But, how do you want your life to change? You repeat the same thing every day hoping that the next day it will disappear. You now know it won't. You make your choice everyday, every hour, every second. Each second you are different and you can choose who you want to be, but first you have to accept who you are now. You cannot just pretend not to see your fear - and you know that. The fear is protection from something even worse - from seeing yourself as you are. How could you stand it, if you would be sure that who you are now is this 'real you', and yet you cannot accept yourself. We are all hiding to avoid facing our real selves. We don't know who we are and we are afraid to know it.
In this particular case of 'social phobia', you know that your own influence on yourself is small or none, yet, one word of some other person can wipe you off into misery or send you straight to heaven. Why your own words mean so little to you? Because you are afraid to give them meaning, as there will be only one person you could blame if you make a mistake - you, and it is you who is going to hurt. Now, that you given up all responsibility, you feel free from your own judgment and punishment. Such a comfortable position has it's price though. Now, in your own eyes, your word mean nothing and you are nothing. Yes..., but isn't that what you wanted? Your words mean nothing, so you are secure from your own judgment. It would work just fine, but there are also other people... Oops! Now you are as vulnerable to the other people's judgment as possible. They can tell whatever they want about you, and you know that you have nothing against their word. You are still more afraid of your own judgement than of the other people's one, so you decide to suffer it so you do not have to face yourself.
You, of course, try to make the pain as little as possible, so you give yourself a label 'socio-phobic' to justify your being in the state and your behaviour (avoiding people, fear etc.) with some fancy "mental illness". Now that you are in group of sufferers you wait for them to change something (you actually don't take that possibility seriously as if you did it would be a threat). You shift the responsibility, like you always did.
I've no idea how to see the world (yourself) in true colors. The only possible option here is to face the fear as it is all our not-taken responsibility. By 'face' the fear I do not mean 'try to stand it' - I mean 'be the fear', be inside it and see it as it is.
Suicide... yes it is a fantastic option - it solves all the problems, doesn't it? I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't do this or that you should do this - you can do what you want, just be aware that by doing this you give up this possibility that inside all this fear, there is love and it is you.
If you are inside fear, if you are fear, there is no fear as you know yourself fully and there is nothing you would want to throw out. So let it go - let the fear take you fully - be it - and you will see the love.
