I want to understand

[Understood]

I’m not particularly shy myself outside of large groups, but this guy I’m interested in is extraordinarily timid. My confusion stems from the fact that after admitting interest in one another things still aren’t going anywhere. I try to make emotional and physical strides to be closer to him and he seems…well I’m not sure what he seems. Perhaps hesitant is the right word. He’ll accept anything that I do, though not necessarily with eagerness, but only once has he initiated anything himself.

I’ve read up on this forum about love-shyness and other social anxieties, but those all seem dependent on the fear of rejection. I don’t understand how he could fear rejection when I’ve removed that possibility.

Help.

He’s beyond amazing and his shyness doesn’t bother me in a social sense. If there is fear, how can I alleviate it? Or is it possible that he admitted interest to avoid telling me no? I’ve also considered the possibility he’s gay and severely closeted. I’ve been shy all my life, but never in such an extreme. I want to understand what’s going on in his head so I can be what he needs to open up.

If there are any questions that need to be answered to help me with this I'm more than happy to do so.

Thanks.

 

[coyote]

Although you may feel as though you have removed the possibility of rejection, he may still feel that you might reject him at any moment.

It's not rational - I know. But I, for one often feel this way around the ones I love the most. I look for constant reassurance that they still want me, and I'm sometimes reluctant to do anything that might risk rejection.

The fact that you're trying to understand might go a long way toward making him feel comfortable and accepted.

Good luck.

 

[Why]

hah im in a very similar situation myself cept sex's are reversed. im shy but the girl is extremely shy
heres the full sotry if u wish to read
http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/help-with-shy-girl-in-class-very-long-25315/

anyways as a shy guy myself, ive gotten very intimidated when a more outgoing female approached me. I get flustered and dunno what to say so i often act cold and distant.
However it does seem odd that u both verbally expressed you like each other? very hard for a shy guy to do.

i'd recommend just taking it slow and allow him to initiate something. I know that is hard but it will allow him to talk to you on his own timing and comfort.

best of luck, feel free to pm questoins, ill try best to answer

 

[mrb]

just take it slow dont push lol , try to spend lots of time with him get to know him , long contry walks with him , silly things like watch a film together and go out for a meal be a freind ....... long term the rest im sure will follow , thats how my gf got to know me lol

 

[Understood]

So do you guys think it best to let him take the lead? If I take more of a back seat I fear nothing will happen at all. It took my intervention to get this far so shouldn't I continue with that?

I know I've got to be careful about backing off because he could think that's a sign of disinterest on my part when that'd be the opposite of the truth.

Perhaps I'm expecting too much too soon...but I feel like I have to show him the way because he's had no experience with this sort of thing.

 

[hangbi92]

Hi '
I have Social Phobia. There were some girls trying to approach me before, I think they liked me and I had some feeling for them too. All of them are kind of outgoing type. But whenever they got closer to me, I always pretended to be cold, cause I was afraid one day they would discover I was not normal and would reject me anyway, so some of them thought I was gay. And I always have this thought: how can I bring happiness to the one I love if I cant even take care of myself

 

[mrb]

So do you guys think it best to let him take the lead? If I take more of a back seat I fear nothing will happen at all. It took my intervention to get this far so shouldn't I continue with that?

I know I've got to be careful about backing off because he could think that's a sign of disinterest on my part when that'd be the opposite of the truth.

Perhaps I'm expecting too much too soon...but I feel like I have to show him the way because he's had no experience with this sort of thing.

oh just rip his clothes off lol make mad love to him hell it worked for me opps ill probably get banned for that remark

 

[Understood]

oh just rip his clothes off lol make mad love to him hell it worked for me opps ill probably get banned for that remark

Haha, not really my style, not enough finesse.

 

[mrb]

Haha, not really my style, not enough finesse.

lol

 

[Understood]

Hi '
I have Social Phobia. There were some girls trying to approach me before, I think they liked me and I had some feeling for them too. All of them are kind of outgoing type. But whenever they got closer to me, I always pretended to be cold, cause I was afraid one day they would discover I was not normal and would reject me anyway, so some of them thought I was gay. And I always have this thought: how can I bring happiness to the one I love if I cant even take care of myself

I am so sorry. Finding out about some of these disorders and phobias just makes me so sad...what must be going on inside...the fear. I just want to know what I can do to make him feel better about all this. What are the things people with these phobias have always wished would happen? I may be shy but for him I will walk on the moon if I have to.

It's not like I'm without problems, mine are more physical than psychological, but I understand what it's like to be afraid of what might happen. Friends and family always found a way to make me feel better about it, how can I make him feel better?

 

[coyote]

What are the things people with these phobias have always wished would happen?

I love it when the girl makes the first move.

I'm not really good at reading the signs to know how receptive she might be to my advances. But once I know where she wants to go, I'm pretty good at getting us there.

 

[Understood]

I love it when the girl makes the first move.

I'm not really good at reading the signs to know how receptive she might be to my advances. But once I know where she wants to go, I'm pretty good at getting us there.

Does that mean all the first moves? I made the first move breaking the touch barrier, the first move letting him know I like him, the first move asking where he wants it to go from here.

If I keep making the first move doesn't that allow the fear of initiation to remain? I'd like for him to feel comfortable starting things at some point.

 

[philly2bits]

Have you talked to him about this? Getting to know his feelings on the matter will be a far better help then trying to guess what you should do.

 

[Understood]

What does this mean?

It means that I hug him or cuddle up on him or hold his hand and he accepts that, but only once has he done the same. He held my hand.

He'll break the physical barrier with me rather often, but it's in a much more playful manner than a romantic one.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Does that mean all the first moves? I made the first move breaking the touch barrier, the first move letting him know I like him, the first move asking where he wants it to go from here.

If I keep making the first move doesn't that allow the fear of initiation to remain? I'd like for him to feel comfortable starting things at some point.

How old are you and your guy? For starters, I'm guessing he doesn't have much experience with women, and is possibly a virgin. That will make him hesitant, on top of any sort of social anxiety and insecurities.

Also, I'm with coyote--my brain problems make me think that she may still reject me at any moment, or make me wonder if she's just toying with me...lots of unpleasant things. If this is the case I can't think of anything better than telling him precisely how you feel about him, probably more than once.

Most of the girls I've dated or messed around with have initiated getting together as well as the first physical stuff (a girl practically has to smack me over the head and drag me into the bedroom before I suspect she might like me, it's sad :. After that though I'm like 'ohhhh, okay!'.

I have gotten better about this as I've gotten older, thank the gods.

ETA

Have you talked to him about this? Getting to know his feelings on the matter will be a far better help then trying to guess what you should do.

Yes, this would be a good idea.

 

[Understood]

Have you talked to him about this? Getting to know his feelings on the matter will be a far better help then trying to guess what you should do.

Well, he's not exactly forthcoming with emotional conversations. And it's so not romantic either...I've had relationships before so a bit of weirdness doesn't bother me, but I want his first experience with all this to be as perfect as I can provide.

Perhaps that will help make these things less scary for him.

 

[Understood]

How old are you and your guy? For starters, I'm guessing he doesn't have much experience with women, and is possibly a virgin. That will make him hesitant, on top of any sort of social anxiety and insecurities.

Also, I'm with coyote--my brain problems make me think that she may still reject me at any moment, or make me wonder if she's just toying with me...lots of unpleasant things. If this is the case I can't think of anything better than telling him precisely how you feel about him, probably more than once.

Most of the girls I've dated or messed around with have initiated getting together as well as the first physical stuff (a girl practically has to smack me over the head and drag me into the bedroom before I suspect she might like me, it's sad :. After that though I'm like 'ohhhh, okay!'.

I have gotten better about this as I've gotten older, thank the gods.

I'm 19, he's 21. And he's had no experience with women. He knows how much trouble I've gone through for him and he knows I like him. I don't know how else to let him know I won't reject him without becoming annoying.

 

[Understood]

Looks like NathanielWingatePeaslee was right on the money. He's probably too afraid to make a wrong move. And what might be painfully slow to you is probably looking like a good pace to him.

Sorry if too personal, but have you guys kissed? That usually breaks the ice even with the most shy people.

Yeah, the pace is fine now, I just don't want to stall out lol.

It's the internet, nothing is too personal. No, we haven't. I'm at a bit of a crossroads concerning it, I can kiss him, but I don't know if that'd be coming on too strong before he's ready.

 

[Newtype]

I have trouble understanding your guy too. I have SA and I'm shy, but if a girl did half of what you did, I wouldn't have any trouble opening up to her and doing things with her. Once I'm comfortable with someone, I can be normal with that person. No matter how much I think about it, I can't find a reason why he's like this. Perhaps it's just a matter of time or maybe things between you two weren't clear enough for him.

 

[hangbi92]

I am so sorry. Finding out about some of these disorders and phobias just makes me so sad...what must be going on inside...the fear. I just want to know what I can do to make him feel better about all this. What are the things people with these phobias have always wished would happen? I may be shy but for him I will walk on the moon if I have to.

It's not like I'm without problems, mine are more physical than psychological, but I understand what it's like to be afraid of what might happen. Friends and family always found a way to make me feel better about it, how can I make him feel better?

He must be very special to you, cause u care about him a lot, even when u know that he has problems. I envy him; what I wish is to have someone care about me a lot like u care about him
People who have SP like us often feel very lonely, so we will feel happy when there is someone that can sympathize with us and talk to us whenever we need. So I can tell that the guy u talking about really like u.
If I was him, I think I certainly fell for u; but I would prefer keeping you as a friend. Cause I know it would be hard for me to do anything for u and would cause u only troubles. Loving a guy with SP means that u may have to sacrifice many things. People with SP are often afraid of going outside so its really hard for us to go on a date, or even smallest daily activities. I think he like u, and thats the reason he doesnt want to hurt u, so he keeps distance from u. Thats only my opinion, based on my own situation.
However I think that u re a very determined girl, and u may have the power to change his thought. U have to take the initiative, cause shy guys like us will probably never do it. Try to talk much to him and listen to what he says. Try to ask him what he feels inside and tell him that u will listen and sympathize with everything he says. Ill feel very comfortable when I have the chance to confide my Social Phobia to someone. And we often feel depressed so try to understand and lighten him up whenever he does. Ive heard that love can somtimes cure SP
Wish u all the best of luck and happiness
And please excuse me for my bad English cause Im Asian