I want to understand

[Understood]

I have trouble understanding your guy too. I have SA and I'm shy, but if a girl did half of what you did, I wouldn't have any trouble opening up to her and doing things with her. Once I'm comfortable with someone, I can be normal with that person. No matter how much I think about it, I can't find a reason why he's like this. Perhaps it's just a matter of time or maybe things between you two weren't clear enough for him.

Yeah, it's a bit confusing. If I hadn't gotten to the end of my skills I wouldn't have sought help on the internet. He hasn't been diagnosed with anything as far as I know, but just from observing him I'm confident there's something going on with social anxiety that's fairly severe.

 

[Understood]

He must be very special to you, cause u care about him a lot, even when u know that he has problems. I envy him; what I wish is to have someone care about me a lot like u care about him
People who have SP like us often feel very lonely, so we will feel happy when there is someone that can sympathize with us and talk to us whenever we need. So I can tell that the guy u talking about really like u.
If I was him, I think I certainly fell for u; but I would prefer keeping you as a friend. Cause I know it would be hard for me to do anything for u and would cause u only troubles. Loving a guy with SP means that u may have to sacrifice many things. People with SP are often afraid of going outside so its really hard for us to go on a date, or even smallest daily activities. I think he like u, and thats the reason he doesnt want to hurt u, so he keeps distance from u. Thats only my opinion, based on my own situation.
However I think that u re a very determined girl, and u may have the power to change his thought. U have to take the initiative, cause shy guys like us will probably never do it. Try to talk much to him and listen to what he says. Try to ask him what he feels inside and tell him that u will listen and sympathize with everything he says. Ill feel very comfortable when I have the chance to confide my Social Phobia to someone. And we often feel depressed so try to understand and lighten him up whenever he does. Ive heard that love can somtimes cure SP
Wish u all the best of luck and happiness
And please excuse me for my bad English cause Im Asian

Your english is no problem at all, you're doing splendidly.

Thanks for your insight, every little bit I get helps me paint a better picture of what might be going on.

And I'm sure someday someone will go through every stride I am now for you.

 

[Understood]

I don't know. Don't mean to come across as kiss obsessed, but just my 2 cents. Hopefully it's helpful.

Don't sound kiss obsessed at all, it's one of those defining moments in relationships so I can definitely see how it would mark a turning point. Each day we hang out it seems to get a little easier for him. Perhaps it's greater comfort or perhaps he's just figuring out exactly what this relationship stuff is all about.

Whether anybody wants to believe it or not, relationships do have certain expectations and even if, thanks to tv and movies, you know what they are...you don't really understand until you're there yourself. So I'm just gonna keep on keepin on and do my best to assure him there's nothing he could do to drive me away. Outside of becoming a cannibal or something. That would definitely be a deal-breaker.

Everybody who's responded to this, thank y'all so so much. I can't even describe how fantastic it is to gain some insight into his mind. Every little bit helps so feel free to keep the advice comin'. Hopefully I haven't been too bothersome, I'm just very cerebral about these kinds of things and like to make sure I'm goin in the right direction, especially when I'm risking someone else's emotional comfort and peace of mind.

I'm not sure if I can be of help to anybody else, but I'm more than happy to try if you think I might be able to. I'll be lurkin' around for a while I would think.

 

[coyote]

Does that mean all the first moves?

For me, personally, no. I meant more that I like to know where I stand, and what she might want - before I make the wrong move and potentially offend her or make a fool of myself.

I'd like for him to feel comfortable starting things at some point.

This seems fair. I think most people - male or female - want this in a relationship...unless there are some codependency issues.

 

[Understood]

I meant more that I like to know where I stand, and what she might want - before I make the wrong move and potentially offend her or make a fool of myself.

With this, I understand the words, but I'm a bit lacking on the execution of them...without saying "hey, I'd like it if you kiss me you fool.", how can I let him know that's the direction I'm headed?

I had a theory that kissing him on the cheek, far closer to lips than a friend would then looking up at him expectantly would be effective. That way I'm not making the first move persay, but it's fairly clear what I want. Thoughts?

Also, I feel like a nutter planning this out quite so thoroughly, but when fear is involved it just takes so much more to fix a single discomfort...so I plan.

 

[coyote]

Whether anybody wants to believe it or not, relationships do have certain expectations....

The fewer expectations of the other person - I think the better. I've been in too many relationships that failed due to unfulfilled expectations.

Any expectations you DO have - must be communicated to the other person.

The worst is the expectation that the other person should know what it is that you expect of them.

 

[Masychefx2]

first thing comes to mind is the tiger woods commercial...

 

[Understood]

The fewer expectations of the other person - I think the better. I've been in too many relationships that failed due to unfulfilled expectations.

Any expectations you DO have - must be communicated to the other person.

The worst is the expectation that the other person should know what it is that you expect of them.

By expectations I mean: there will be some form of physical contact, you will have to have conversations (sometimes about uncomfortable subjects). Nothing like you have to take me to meet your father and we need to kiss after three dates, I am not that specific lol Do these things really need to be expressed?

 

[coyote]

With this, I understand the words, but I'm a bit lacking on the execution of them...without saying "hey, I'd like it if you kiss me you fool.", how can I let him know that's the direction I'm headed?

I had a theory that kissing him on the cheek, far closer to lips than a friend would then looking up at him expectantly would be effective. That way I'm not making the first move persay, but it's fairly clear what I want. Thoughts?

Also, I feel like a nutter planning this out quite so thoroughly, but when fear is involved it just takes so much more to fix a single discomfort...so I plan.

What's wrong with saying, "Hey, I'd really like you to kiss me!" ??

Better yet, as you sit close, and you take his hand, turn, stare into his eyes and say, point blank, "Kiss me." (or substitute any other four letter word)

If he doesn't know what to do then - show him.

There are no rules to this game - in spite of what anyone may have led you to believe.

 

[philly2bits]

There are no rules to this game - in spite of what anyone may have led you to believe.

That about sums it all up right there. Just go with the flow and see where it take you.

 

[Understood]

What's wrong with saying, "Hey, I'd really like you to kiss me!" ??

See, people say there's nothing wrong with saying things like that, but it just seems so lacking in romance...am I just weird or something in that respect? And for a guy that doesn't talk except when he has something to say somehow I feel like words should just be skipped if it's at all possible.

And wouldn't anxiety of all sorts pop up if I were to just say kiss me? Hell, my nervousness isn't even a problem and if somebody said that I'd freak out.

 

[coyote]

...Do these things really need to be expressed?

Maybe so. Everyone is different. If you want your needs/desires/expectations to be understood, you must communicate them in such a way as the other person understands them. Don't just assume they know.

 

[coyote]

See, people say there's nothing wrong with saying things like that, but it just seems so lacking in romance....

Maybe not "romantic,"....but it's sexier than hell (in my opinion).

 

[Understood]

Oh, and just to be clear, you guys have spent time together alone, right? And when you initiate contact, he's receptive?

Yes, we have spent time together alone and are quite talkative, which is strange given his penchant for silence. I take it as a good thing. He is as receptive as I would expect...more so as of late. At first, he would just become stiff as a board and not move at all, but now he's beginning to...hug back, for example, or curl his fingers around mine if I hold his hand, or put his head on mine when I lean on his shoulder.

 

[Understood]

Maybe not "romantic,"....but it's sexier than hell (in my opinion).

Haha, well, I can do the upfront sexiness, it is in fact one of my favorite things to do, but I'm not sure it's the best way to begin with him. He's....soft and kind, a truly gentle soul. I feel like I should start with romance and move into sexy.

 

[combat]

Yes, we have spent time together alone and are quite talkative, which is strange given his penchant for silence. I take it as a good thing. He is as receptive as I would expect...more so as of late. At first, he would just become stiff as a board and not move at all, but now he's beginning to...hug back, for example, or curl his fingers around mine if I hold his hand, or put his head on mine when I lean on his shoulder.

Those are all great signs. But since this is all new to this guy he is probably even more afraid of doing something wrong to mess it all up. So, like token said, you'll probably have to keep making the moves. You can hint around about kissing all you want, but if he's scared of screwing up he's not going to take to vague hinting at all.

 

[coyote]

Haha, well, I can do the upfront sexiness, it is in fact one of my favorite things to do, but I'm not sure it's the best way to begin with him. He's....soft and kind, a truly gentle soul. I feel like I should start with romance and move into sexy.

Ya never know....

But seriously, I don't know your friend's background - there may be some issues you're not aware of - childhood abuse, trauma, etc, that might be standing in his way. Might be worth talking to him about - or talking to a professional about as a couple.

 

[Understood]

But seriously, I don't know your friend's background - there may be some issues you're not aware of - childhood abuse, trauma, etc, that might be standing in his way. Might be worth talking to him about - or talking to a professional about as a couple.

We've talked a lot about his childhood, and I know his family, I'm almost certain there's no abuse, aside from having a very very social, outgoing father which I can't imagine is great for him. And we're a bit young for counseling...I will definitely talk to him myself, though.

A traumatic childhood supports my argument for a soft start though, just jumping him might freak him out a bit.

 

[Understood]

Yeah, I think those are definitely good signs, too. I was just afraid he wasn't into you, Understand, but I didn't want to come right out and ask. lol.

Anyway, I like the kissing near the mouth idea. That's cute. lol. Also, have you considered a little alcohol to loosen him up?

I've got the fear he's not into me too, but if he wasn't why would he say he was and want me around all the time? seems counter-intuitive.

Haha, I'm glad you like the idea, cute is totally my style. Yeah, alcohol has been the catalyst for many of our leaps. Starts with alcohol's help, continues without it.

 

[Understood]

Not patronizing at all when I say that it seems like you have everything in hand.. Like khan said, he seems like a great guy, but it sounds like he's really lucky to have you. Most women wouldn't put in this kind of effort to crack such a shy guy.

Seems like the only thing you might really need is validation that he's into you from other (overly) shy guys? I don't think there's any chance he's not into you; he's just scared.

What can I say? I'm stubborn as hell and when I want something I'll move heaven and earth to get it. And when it comes to this guy...I wish I could be more specific, but for privacy's sake I won't...he's astonishing, so fantastically talented, overlooked for the most part without cause and it breaks my heart that this is the case. He deserves everything and yet the world gives him nothing, it's so unfair. So maybe I can give a little back. I'm certainly trying to put the effort into him that world seems to have forgotten.

I was looking for validation, mentioned it earlier in the thread I think, that I'm not barking up the wrong tree. I just didn't have any basis of knowledge for this level of shyness, so I found the place where I could ask the questions I needed answered. Now I've got a much better idea what's going on in his head and with that knowledge I can try to the best of my skills to introduce him to the world of romantic relationships. They really are worth all the trouble people go through for them.

I wish I could just go around and tell every girl to stop being so spastic and spend a little time trying to get to know that cute shy boy sitting next to them and let the outgoing jocks fend for themselves. My mama always told me the more you put into something the more you'll get out of it. If that is the case here, I've got a heck of a good time comin' to me lol.