I Need to Get Over A Girl Who I Really Like, I Need Good Advice!

[kinghatred]

I really need some help or guidance in this situation, especially advise from girls who also have social anxiety issues. I need someone to help me interpret her behaviors so I can understand what is she really thinking.

So this girl is in my class for 3 years, I liked her from the very beginning, but I never tried to approach her because I was shy and I was afraid that she is gonna reject me. So for the past 2 years, I did nothing, not even trying to be friend with her. One day in this year, she invited me to join a christian study group, I was really happy because I saw this as a chance to get closer to her, so I went to this study group and go to church with her every Sunday. Our relationship reached to the level of friend very soon and I was really encouraged by all of this. Then, I started to be more aggressive in showing my intention. I made food for her on her birthday, I bought her lotion when I saw cracks on her hand, and I took her out to watch movie and eat dinner a couple times. She accepted all of that, and I believe she enjoyed them.

Maybe she gradually realized my intention so she started to draw back last week. Since last Monday, I noticed that she was no longer comfortable when I tried to approach her/talk to her. She had very tired look on her face and she was nervous when I tried to have a conversation with her. I kept asking her what's going on, then finally she said something such as she wants to make sure that we are only friend. I was very disappointed but I told her politely that I respect her opinion and I'm very glad that she is honest. I was really depressed at that moment because I thought she rejected me because I'm not good enough for her.

So that Thursday, I didn't go to the christian study group with her because I want to keep some distance with her so I can calm myself down. But she called me later that night and asked me why I didn't go to the study group. She briefly inferred that she felt sorry for telling me the "friend thing" the other day because she got issues, and shes afraid of getting hurt in a close relationship. I felt there might be more behind that so I asked her to have a face to face talk tomorrow, and she agreed.

So last Friday afternoon, we played basketball for awhile and then we started the conversation. I told her about the issues I had in my childhood. And then she told me about hers. It was at that time, I found out that she's having Social Anxiety for a long time. She said she used to be afraid of going to school, don't really have many friends, never dated before (Me Neither), and every time she was in a close relationship with someone she always has this fear that she's gonna mess up this good relationship, so she always shut herself out and pushed that person away to prevent the "bad outcome".

after that, I told her that I liked her for a long time. She couldn't believe that but at the same time I can see that she was nervous and maybe also happy. I told her all my feelings but in the end, she still couldn't decide what to do. She said she is afraid of hurting me and most of all afraid of getting hurt. I told her that I'm strong and not afraid of getting hurt from her. I was really hoping that she could give me an answer such as "let's try/let's work on this together", but she said something like "you just do w/e God's telling you to do, and I will figure out my part." but before she left, she held my hand and told me that she likes me, and she hugged me. I was really really really happy at that moment.

Just as I thought everything is working out fine, here comes the issues. The next day we went to a concert together, during the concert, I tried to hold her hand and wave like what the crowd was doing, she swing off my hand immediately with an uncomfortable expression on her face. Then, I noticed that actually she wasn't very happy since the start of the concert. later when we drove back, I was trying to be funny and I said "last night you hugged me, today I'm sneezing all day, let's hug again to make sure I'm not allergic to you." She looked very annoy and frightened and strongly refused it. I was disappointed because I wasn't expecting her reaction could be this big.

The next morning I went to church and saved two seat besides me, but she didn't come sit beside me. When I turned my head looking for her, I saw her sitting behind and she looked very tired. I felt very guilty at that moment, I thought she must be troubled by my aggressive action last night. So I put on a very friendly smiled, waved at her and said hi like everything is fine. after the first session, I approached her, asked her how is she doing, then I apologized for my action last night. She said, it's ok, don't worry about it. Then we went to the second session. While we were singing songs about Jesus, she started to cry. I put my hand on her wrist and asked her if shes alright, she shook off my hand and said she is fine. I want to comfort her so bad at that moment, but I don't know what to do.

after the second session, she asked me if i want to go to the super bowl party tonight, and she said she can go with me if i want to go. I was very excited and started to getting greedy again. I asked her if it's ok for me to bring a couple of movies to her place and watch with her in the afternoon but she refused immediately and later when we apart, she said "see you tomorrow", which means she probably won't go to the party with me. That night I called her and asked her if she wants to go, she said no.

I felt last weekend was the turning point, since this week, I felt that she is treating me totally like normal friend, plus she's still sort of nervous when I tried to approach her. Today, I asked her again if I can cook her something, she said firmly NO, and I asked maybe later? She said she doesn't know. So pretty much for the past 5 days, she excluded every possible chance of having closer interaction with me.

So here's my question for you girls with social phobia,
Is her behavior right now reasonable?
Can you tell that if she really likes me or just trying to be nice and treating me like a normal friend?
Did she regret of saying she likes me or hugged me?
Does she hates me now?
What should I do now? Should I kept talking her and continue ask her out despite her instant rejection or Should I leave her alone for awhile and let her gather her minds and make her decision?
Before all of this, at least I can still ask her out once in a awhile, now it's like she refuse to anything more a normal friend with me

Sorry for the super long post, but I really need some advise on what to do right now. I really like her and I don't want lose her, please help me, I really appreciate it!

 

[she1slander]

Hmm... let me go through those questions you have there.
Is her behavior right now reasonable? Honestly, no. Still having trouble figuing out WTF is going on. Seriously. It looks like to me she has a lot of intimacy issues though, esp. not letting you hold her hand. She's also highly sensitive to some things that I would simply take a joke for (then again I've been called insensitive on a few occassions lol) She probably couldn't get over some of the things you said so carelessly that she found them to be rude.
Can you tell that if she really likes me or just trying to be nice and treating me like a normal friend? Well at first I thought she actually kind of liked you and was just too nervous and then admitted that she did, so I found that to be genuine. But after the part where she had said No to your offers (which seemed like several times in a short span or maybe that's just me, sounded like rejection after another). So now I'm almost certain that she's really just interested in being friends and was trying to be nice the entire time. She's afraid of the friendship becoming much more than it already is.
Did she regret of saying she likes me or hugged me?It's hard to tell but considering the fact that she shook your hand away after you held it at that concert, she probably didn't want you to get any ideas that she "likes" you in that way and didn't know how to be direct with you. So yeah... I'm thinking she probably regretted saying that she liked you.
Does she hates me now?Hate is too strong but I would say "annoyed" is the closest description to her feelings concerning you, no offense.
What should I do now?Don't initiate the conversation at this point. Try to remain distant for now until you're completely certain that she's comfortable with your presence. Maybe instead of calling her on the phone or approaching her in person... write her a letter or a note expressing what you feel about the whole thing... (this is the last route to take after remaining distant... just don't do so much anymore unless you want to hear another NO)
Should I kept talking her and continue ask her out despite her instant rejection or Should I leave her alone for awhile and let her gather her minds and make her decision? Simply put. NO. I would think that after her instant rejection you'd finally raise the white flag and call it quits! Dude, just give her a whole lot of space at this point 'cause she probably feels like you're too much in the picture knowing that she has difficulty managing her social anxieties. Just wait for any invitation from her to do something with you but be aware of her behavior towards you as well as her surroundings 'cause there might be a hidden cause to her immediate withdrawals. I would just stick to the writing her a little note for now until she really shows genuine interest and concern for YOU.

I hope that helps. Maybe there are some things that you could try to improve with your manners. Maybe she finds that you're rushing into things and that might've scared her off. I dunno. It's kinda cool that you're persistent with her but at the same time, you've got to learn when it's time to just hit the break pedal and pay attention to other people around you besides her.

 

[Kat]

I definitely don’t think she hates you it sounds like she’s having the usual doubts that circulate someone with social anxiety mind: like they’re not good enough for a relationship, they will be a burden and ruin it, or you won’t understand her social anxiety and get mad and leave. It may be best to be friends for now until she feels ready after all the foundation of a good relationship is a good friendship but good on you for putting yourself out there, these things don’t usually happen in a hurry.

 

[kinghatred]

she1slander, thank you for taking your time and reply to my questions. I have to say that I agree with you, even though she has social anxiety issues, I still think there is a difference between "Don't do because of afraid" vs "don't do because of don't want to". When I talk to her on the phone, she sounds normal and fine as long as I kept the topic within the "friend zone", If I ever mentioned anything intimate, she used to hesitate a little and say no, but now she just reject them in 1 sec. I can feel that she still enjoys the phone calls from me, yeah, probably she just want to be friend. If that's what she think, then I really hope she can tell me straight that I'm not her type. Then I can focus on moving on without any hope left in my heart

 

[kinghatred]

I definitely don’t think she hates you it sounds like she’s having the usual doubts that circulate someone with social anxiety mind: like they’re not good enough for a relationship, they will be a burden and ruin it, or you won’t understand her social anxiety and get mad and leave. It may be best to be friends for now until she feels ready after all the foundation of a good relationship is a good friendship but good on you for putting yourself out there, these things don’t usually happen in a hurry.

I got it, so I guess for now I will just pretend nothing happened and just talk to her casually like normal friends.
the Problem is, it's almost Valentine, at this awkward situation, should I still make her gift to show my love or just stay away like normal friend. I know for myself that if I prepared her a nice gift but she doesn't have any positive reaction, I will lost all the motivation to keep going.

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

Is her behavior right now reasonable? Not really, but it is a reasonable reaction to her or maybe she regrets the way she reacted.
Can you tell that if she really likes me or just trying to be nice and treating me like a normal friend? She probably gave up but may still like you. Not sure sorry.
Did she regret of saying she likes me or hugged me? I don't think so unless she really didn't want a relationship.
Does she hates me now?
What should I do now? Should I kept talking her and continue ask her out despite her instant rejection or Should I leave her alone for awhile and let her gather her minds and make her decision? I think you should just talk to her as a friend, with lots of patience maybe start again. You could give her one valentine card.

 

[kinghatred]

you know what, maybe I will just make her a real nice valentine gift, and use that as my last aggressive move of showing my love for her. After that, I will just retreat myself into passive position, if she has at least some sort of feeling for me, then she should have shown something. If not, then she really doesn't care that much, if she's happier without me annoying her, then I shall let her have that. ::

 

[she1slander]

I got it, so I guess for now I will just pretend nothing happened and just talk to her casually like normal friends.
the Problem is, it's almost Valentine, at this awkward situation, should I still make her gift to show my love or just stay away like normal friend. I know for myself that if I prepared her a nice gift but she doesn't have any positive reaction, I will lost all the motivation to keep going.

Do what you feel is right and trust your instincts. So if you want to give her a nice gift, go for it. If you sense that she doesn't respond anything positive or much more than just a "thank you" and nothing else then I guess you'll just have to remain as friends. Besides, I think you've already expended enough of your energy trying to make your feelings known to her and clear that you really like her, so there's really no need for you to pursue any further. ::

 

[kinghatred]

Do what you feel is right and trust your instincts. So if you want to give her a nice gift, go for it. If you sense that she doesn't respond anything positive or much more than just a "thank you" and nothing else then I guess you'll just have to remain as friends. Besides, I think you've already expended enough of your energy trying to make your feelings known to her and clear that you really like her, so there's really no need for you to pursue any further. ::

Should I still go to church and the christian study group? To be honest, I went to these things for 4 months just because I want to be with her. I know myself very well, if I need to cut off my emotion for her and stop thinking about her all the time, I need to switch my attention to somewhere else, which means I don't want be around her for awhile. I'm afraid doing so will make her see me as a "not dedicated" person, if she doesn't like me then I really don't care, but by any chance she still does, then I don't wanna risk it.....

 

[Kat]

I got it, so I guess for now I will just pretend nothing happened and just talk to her casually like normal friends.
the Problem is, it's almost Valentine, at this awkward situation, should I still make her gift to show my love or just stay away like normal friend. I know for myself that if I prepared her a nice gift but she doesn't have any positive reaction, I will lost all the motivation to keep going.

It sounds like she is curious but she is rejecting you before you can reject her. You could ask for her to be more upfront about how she feels then you know the truth and can act accordingly. I don’t celebrate valentine’s day so I personally wouldn’t but you can if you want to.

 

[OvidiuDanut]

Hey! From all the info you provided i would say the following. This girl has severe SA problems and thus the contradictory behavior. My bet is that she likes you. There is no way a SA girl with such problems would even consider holding a guy s hand or hugging him if she didnt feel real affection for him. You may consider that a moments breakthrough from her condition. My take is this. She felt afterwards that these gestures were an imprudence from her part and decided to withdraw and take it real easy. That would explain also the reaction to your bold innitiative to wave hand at the match and also explains the following refusals. This correlates very well with her deep fears of getting hurt or hurting you. She wants the relationship to evolve in her terms and perhaps she considers your persistence in going intimate intrusive and rude. She showed clear interest in you by taking innitiative and inviting you to that party but than you went intimate again and made her withdraw. My take is this. She likes you, she wants a true relationship with you but she wants it to go at her pace, her way. So if you really want her accept her terms and express yourself only as a friend until she waves the flag to move forward.
Dont send her anything for Valentine; she will be cold about that. She already knows you like her. Only be patiant and go her way. Misreading can ruin happy endings.

 

[Kat]

Hey! From all the info you provided i would say the following. This girl has severe SA problems and thus the contradictory behavior. My bet is that she likes you. There is no way a SA girl with such problems would even consider holding a guy s hand or hugging him if she didnt feel real affection for him. You may consider that a moments breakthrough from her condition. My take is this. She felt afterwards that these gestures were an imprudence from her part and decided to withdraw and take it real easy. That would explain also the reaction your bold of takeing innitiative to wave hand at the match and also explains the following refusals. This correlates very well with her deep fears of getting hurt or hurting you. She wants the relationship to evolve in her terms and perhaps she considers your persistence in going intimate intrusive and rude. She showed clear interest in you by taking innitiative and inviting you to that party but than you went intimate again and made her withdraw. My take is this. She likes you, she wants a true relationship with you but she wants it to go at her pace, her way. So if you really want her accept her terms and express yourself only as a friend until she waves the flag to move forward.
Dont send her anything for Valentine; she will be cold about that. She already knows you like her. Only be patiant and go her way. Misreading can ruin happy endings.

yes, exactly A+

 

[she1slander]

Should I still go to church and the christian study group? To be honest, I went to these things for 4 months just because I want to be with her. I know myself very well, if I need to cut off my emotion for her and stop thinking about her all the time, I need to switch my attention to somewhere else, which means I don't want be around her for awhile. I'm afraid doing so will make her see me as a "not dedicated" person, if she doesn't like me then I really don't care, but by any chance she still does, then I don't wanna risk it.....

I would definitely say continue to go to church and the christian study group all because I consider church as my highest priority so far. Yes, it'll be difficult and definitely awkward when you see her there but don't attend just because of her. Surely this whole time you've been going to these things that there's something you'd like to learn more about and expand your field of interests or whatever. I'd suggest you go with someone... do you know anybody else besides her? Maybe that would help to maybe take your attention away from her. I'm not suggesting that you should start ignoring/avoiding her this time... I just think that it'd be good for you to use this opportunity to get to know more people and make other friends. I dunno. And maybe later you could introduce your friends to the girl you like so that she won't feel like you're the only one giving her a lot of attention?

 

[kinghatred]

Hey! From all the info you provided i would say the following. This girl has severe SA problems and thus the contradictory behavior. My bet is that she likes you. There is no way a SA girl with such problems would even consider holding a guy s hand or hugging him if she didnt feel real affection for him. You may consider that a moments breakthrough from her condition. My take is this. She felt afterwards that these gestures were an imprudence from her part and decided to withdraw and take it real easy. That would explain also the reaction to your bold innitiative to wave hand at the match and also explains the following refusals. This correlates very well with her deep fears of getting hurt or hurting you. She wants the relationship to evolve in her terms and perhaps she considers your persistence in going intimate intrusive and rude. She showed clear interest in you by taking innitiative and inviting you to that party but than you went intimate again and made her withdraw. My take is this. She likes you, she wants a true relationship with you but she wants it to go at her pace, her way. So if you really want her accept her terms and express yourself only as a friend until she waves the flag to move forward.
Dont send her anything for Valentine; she will be cold about that. She already knows you like her. Only be patiant and go her way. Misreading can ruin happy endings.

Thank you for the advise, your words gave me courage. I guess I will be more patient with her then. It seems like she really like to talk with me on the phone, sometimes she just hold the phone without saying anything or try to hang up, i am always have to find some topics very quickly so I can keep the conversation flow, i remembered there was a couple of times we hold the phone for like 10 seconds without saying anything, but she didn't try to end it.
As for valentine day, I felt I still have to give her something, I was planning a long time for this gift which I will hand make by myself for her. After heard what you said, I probably won't care about her reaction afterward, I just want her to be happy.

 

[kinghatred]

I would definitely say continue to go to church and the christian study group all because I consider church as my highest priority so far. Yes, it'll be difficult and definitely awkward when you see her there but don't attend just because of her. Surely this whole time you've been going to these things that there's something you'd like to learn more about and expand your field of interests or whatever. I'd suggest you go with someone... do you know anybody else besides her? Maybe that would help to maybe take your attention away from her. I'm not suggesting that you should start ignoring/avoiding her this time... I just think that it'd be good for you to use this opportunity to get to know more people and make other friends. I dunno. And maybe later you could introduce your friends to the girl you like so that she won't feel like you're the only one giving her a lot of attention?

I probably will continue go to church, I don't want her doubt my "faithfulness", I was just hoping that my "little absence" can make her notice how much I weight in her heart.....

 

[she1slander]

Hey! From all the info you provided i would say the following. This girl has severe SA problems and thus the contradictory behavior. My bet is that she likes you. There is no way a SA girl with such problems would even consider holding a guy s hand or hugging him if she didnt feel real affection for him. You may consider that a moments breakthrough from her condition. My take is this. She felt afterwards that these gestures were an imprudence from her part and decided to withdraw and take it real easy. That would explain also the reaction to your bold innitiative to wave hand at the match and also explains the following refusals. This correlates very well with her deep fears of getting hurt or hurting you. She wants the relationship to evolve in her terms and perhaps she considers your persistence in going intimate intrusive and rude. She showed clear interest in you by taking innitiative and inviting you to that party but than you went intimate again and made her withdraw. My take is this. She likes you, she wants a true relationship with you but she wants it to go at her pace, her way. So if you really want her accept her terms and express yourself only as a friend until she waves the flag to move forward.
Dont send her anything for Valentine; she will be cold about that. She already knows you like her. Only be patiant and go her way. Misreading can ruin happy endings.

Yes, but she's gonna have to learn to communicate her feelings better so that he doesn't feel like she's really not interested in a relationship (which I'm pretty convinced at this point that she doesn't want that but he does) and simply just a friendship. I mean, I still don't believe that she's interested in a true relationship just because she was able to express her affections by holding hands or hugging... which can be done in a "friendly" rather than a romantic manner. And when she said she "likes" him, I'm sure it was only as a "friend" just so that she doesn't end up hurting his feelings. Which is why it seems so confusing because if she's aware that he's all intrusive and wanting to get all intimate, she could have just made it clear that they could just be friends FOR NOW to avoid any misunderstandings (or unwanted gestures). If I were the guy, I'd probably start thinking that maybe she could just be leading me on into something where there might actually be no chance for something more. Just sayin'.

Edit: sorry if that sounded so skeptical of me with a rather condescending tone but I just think that if a guy's showing a lot of effort on his part to try to work it out more than the girl, or at least, somehow there seems to be an unbalanced effort on both parties, then maybe it wasn't meant to be.

 

[OvidiuDanut]

@she1slander - you could have some valid points there. I reread the story. Think of the following. She s a girl with severe SA and yet, out the blue, she made the very first step, inviting a boy to bible study. When he missed a study, she called him. After he confessd the full extent of his feelings about her she let him know about her problems about getting too close and than held his hand and hugged him . I repeat all this from a girl with serious SA.
Anyway for his sake i hope im not wrong

@kinghatred - maybe you re right. A present with no strings attached, should warm her heart, even if she shows the oposit. Just let her breed for a while till she feels safe. I was just trying to prevent you from depression.

 

[kinghatred]

Guys, something new happened today and again, I need your advises!

I mentioned briefly in the end of my thread that we have talked on the phone yesterday, the conversation included a "cooking" topic. So basicly 2 weeks ago, I cooked her some food, put them into the container and gave to her. Yesterday during the phone call, she told me she had washed the container and put it in my locker. I asked her if it's ok for me to cook her something else, she said not now, I asked if I can cook for her later but she said she doesn't know.

Today after school, before I left, she asked me if I grabbed my container from the locker. I said not yet. Then she said I should go get it now, and I was like fine. So I went down stairs to my locker I opened it and I saw my container with a box of girl scout cookie. As I staring at the cookie surprisingly, she walked into the locker room. (I personally think she came to the locker room just want to verify that I got the cookie, because it was already after school, she could have just left if she wanted to)
so when I saw her walked in, I asked, "wow, did you put this cookie with my container?" She smiled and said, "yeah, it's girl scout cookie, you never had it before?" I said no. Then she said "this flavor is the best." And then, I said Thank you and we walked out of the building together and left.

Under normal situation, I would be convinced that the girl likes me. But it's definitely a different story for this girl. I'm suspecting that she just want to get even with me so she will have no problem reject me later. Why do I think this way? Here's what happened in the past: Last Monday I saw there were cracks on her hands, so I bought her lotions, she was happy. Then the next day (Tuesday) she started showing awkwardness when I tried to approach her. And at the end of that day, She gave me 2 packs of gum. Seems like she was trying to return the favor. And the next day (Wednesday), she told me that she just want us to be friends.

So to be honest, I am not happy with her cookie at all. I'm afraid this is only the fake silence before the real storm come. I don't want to be pessimistic about it but right now I really don't know what is her intention.

So what do you guys think?

 

[OvidiuDanut]

Just go with flow and see what happens. If it turns out to be as you say then this would be very strange behavior indeed, even beyond the limits of SA. Stop being so anxious. Wait and see what happens.

 

[kinghatred]

Just go with flow and see what happens. If it turns out to be as you say then this would be very strange behavior indeed, even beyond the limits of SA. Stop being so anxious. Wait and see what happens.

yeah you're right, I'm way too anxious now, probably even way too sensitive. I will just do what my heart tells me to do, thank you for the reply