I enjoy bad things happen to other, i am a loser...

[shy17]

Hello.

I am seventeen, will be eighteen in three months. I am a student in high school. Everybody around seems so happy, they all look like people who enjoy their lives to the limit. Whenever i look at someone my age, expecially in my class at school, they are always talking about parties, dating, cars, girls, going out together, and about any other social activities. I never talk. I always listen. I don't have anything to say, i am also afraid that people will laugh at whatever i say. I have never been into any party my whole life. I received and i keep receiving invitations, but i always say no. I am too scared, i am frightened, i am terrified whenever i think about going to a party. I would love to, but i just can't, and nobody seems to understand me. People think i am a loser. I don't have a social life, i never go out, i am always at home with my computer turned on doing nothing, while rest of the society is enjoying their lives, having sex, talking and other interesting things. I am pretty sure that i will be a loser in my future life, i am too shy to go do a driving license, or go and ask someone for a job. I am a social loser. I feel so lonely all the time. You might think "God, he is just seventeen, how can he be lonely?". Yes I can. It is very tough for me. I am dreaming about talking to somebody, doesn't matter what about, just talk to someone i trust. Unfortunatelly there is nobody i could talk to. I don't have any friends. Only people at school, but it doesn't count because i only meet them at school. They often meet outside, they organise parties which i am invited to, but i don't go, because i am too scared. Every day is full of suicidal thoughts, i just can't get rid of these. All the time i am thinking about suicide. I don't think i could actually do it, but i can't stop thinking about it. I dream a lot about suicide, my favourite one is that i take a gun, go to school during lesson, go into a classroom, shout "Why me!!!" and shoot myself to death. I can't stand myself. At school i do my best to pretend i am a normal guy, people know i am not a sociable guy, i think they suspect that i am not very brave, but i am sure that they got no idea how bad i actually feel. Plus lately i felt in love with a girl that goes to the same class as i do. This is another problem which makes me feel even worse. I hate her for loving her. Life is tough.

Now back to the subject. I love when bad things happen to people, expecially to those happy ones. I don't think i would like bad thing happen to someone like me, who is full of unstandable pain. Stuff like, death of someones mother makes me feel better. I know its cruel, please don't judge me for that, i don't know why i feel that way, but i do. I hope people will fail at exams, and any other bad stuff.

I am very sad, i would love to be active in social life, but i can't. I have got this blocade inside myself that doesn't let me go anywhere. I don't think i am ugly, but i have this feeling that whenever people look at me they think "OH god whan an ugly piece of crap". I think that if i would go to a party everybody would laugh at me because i would probably stand in the corner doing nothing, thinking about suicide. I can't stand my life. If i only found someone in this ... life who would talk to me and would take me serious i would thank god for that. OH, i am atheist by the way. Loneliness and suicidal thoughts are the worst, they are just sucking energy from my body. I just want to die, i really want not to wake up another day.

I don't know why i wrote all this. I just never told anyone how i really feel, so i had to do it online. Yes i am a coward. I deserve to die.

Thank you for reading this.

 

[northernlywest]

It was very brave of you to write this.

No, you do not deserve to die. No one deserves to die and especially not because they are suffering from social issues.

You are lucky in one sense. That you got invitations for parties, even if you could never go to them. I never used to get invites for anything. Maybe the invites mean that people may have some interest in you? Maybe they want to get to know you better, I don't think they would have invited you if they didn't find you interesting and worth knowing. I hope this makes sense.

I suspect that your feelings of wishing harm to others, is probably from some form of jealously that others have what you feel, is a better life than yourself. Maybe because they are always happy and always sociable, you have envy that they have that and why cant you? I don't mean any of what I have said in a bad way, and I am not a cold person, so please don't think that of me, but I hope you understand what I mean and how it comes across when I read it. (but I am also no good at giving my view points on things so I am actually nervous writing this to you)

 

[Square_Eyes]

Welcome to the forum, shy17. It's never easy, feeling that constant need to measure your own worth in contrast to the perceived perfection of those around you. Any pleasure that you take in other people's misfortunes, both real or imagined, are probably just because it upsets that false view of their perfection and subsequently reduces that painful divide that you feel between yourself and others.

 

[phobiadictates]

It s not wrong to want other people be unhappy. If you were happy then you would want other people be happy. It s a matter of what you give is what you get. So dont accuse yourself being evil.

 

[ffeev223234]

But that person wants others to fall victim to bad incidences.


Meow-Mix!Meow-Mix!Meow-Mix!Meow-Mix!Please deliver-A cat

 

[foxdude]

Wanting bad things to happen to other people Is actually called "schadenfreude". I think it's a common feeling for both depressed and happy people. You should look it up, there's alot on the Internet about it.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I pretty much agree with what others have said here, and I think this point is of particular importance:

You are lucky in one sense. That you got invitations for parties, even if you could never go to them. I never used to get invites for anything. Maybe the invites mean that people may have some interest in you? Maybe they want to get to know you better, I don't think they would have invited you if they didn't find you interesting and worth knowing.

Positive attention, hello! It's a dependable fact that how you see yourself is not how others see you. It's entirely possible that some see you as mysterious, and a nice person with potential for being fun to hang out with. Probable in fact. I see you as nice myself from what interaction we've had.

I think that right now your jealousy is a bigger problem than your SA. It seems to be what's causing you the most pain. You are not doing yourself any favors by constantly comparing their (perceived) lives to yours. Not at all. Try to focus your thoughts just on how to improve yourself if you want to be productive--like on forcing yourself to take the driving test. Or whatever. Be aware of your thoughts and try to redirect that energy in the right direction.

 

[recluse]

It's not that i want anything bad to happen to other people when i am depressed it's that i want other people to be as miserable as me.

This is one reason i quit facebook, because i was sick of seeing everyone else being popular party animals on there.

 

[shy17]

I am jealous. Wouldn't you be if you were around people who keep talking about stuff like "Oh man i touched and kissed so many girls at New Year's Eve party you would never believe"! You might think that i am making this up but no, it is a fact. Whenever i go to school somebody has to talk about dating with girls and partying. Of course i never talk back or i pretend that its so cool what other guy is talking. I am also too scared to say "I dont care leave me alone!". Its an actual fact, they are winners, i am a loser. Shy, depressed, not social active, living in the dark room.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Obviously you can't just stop feeling jealous. I just mean that it seems like that's all you are focusing on. Even when you're not around those people, or when they're not talking about their exciting lives.

I hope this is your last year of high school. It will be easier after.

 

[shy17]

No it's not. One more and it will be end. I don't know if it will be easier. For me my future looks very, very bad. I am not brave enough to sign to some university, i know nothing about studying after high school. Everybody will be doing great, they will be renting their own rooms, just not me. I will be living with my parents and doing nothing.

 

[recluse]

I am jealous. Wouldn't you be if you were around people who keep talking about stuff like "Oh man i touched and kissed so many girls at New Year's Eve party you would never believe"! You might think that i am making this up but no, it is a fact. Whenever i go to school somebody has to talk about dating with girls and partying. Of course i never talk back or i pretend that its so cool what other guy is talking. I am also too scared to say "I dont care leave me alone!". Its an actual fact, they are winners, i am a loser. Shy, depressed, not social active, living in the dark room.

Hearing other peoples stories makes me feel inadequate and depressed. Although i have no desire to be promiscuous as i find it gross i get jealous when other guys talk about their sexual conquests.

 

[shy17]

Even if i will not care about what other folks say it won't change anything. Will i be able to talk to a stranger for example? No. I will still be frightened when i will think that i have to do something in public. Why i keep thinking that other people are not doing anything but looking at me and judging me while i am walking on the street or while i am at school?

 

[Hellhound]

You are not a bad person for thinking that way. It's understandable. Seeing others happy when you are feeling like this would be the same as seeing others eating in front of you when you are starving. You can't help being hungry, just like you can't help craving happiness.

 

[oui]

Yeah. I'm 17, and I feel similarly.

 

[Helmaninquiel]

Hello.

I am seventeen, will be eighteen in three months. I am a student in high school. Everybody around seems so happy, they all look like people who enjoy their lives to the limit. Whenever i look at someone my age, expecially in my class at school, they are always talking about parties, dating, cars, girls, going out together, and about any other social activities. I never talk. I always listen. I don't have anything to say, i am also afraid that people will laugh at whatever i say. I have never been into any party my whole life. I received and i keep receiving invitations, but i always say no. I am too scared, i am frightened, i am terrified whenever i think about going to a party. I would love to, but i just can't, and nobody seems to understand me. People think i am a loser. I don't have a social life, i never go out, i am always at home with my computer turned on doing nothing, while rest of the society is enjoying their lives, having sex, talking and other interesting things. I am pretty sure that i will be a loser in my future life, i am too shy to go do a driving license, or go and ask someone for a job. I am a social loser. I feel so lonely all the time. You might think "God, he is just seventeen, how can he be lonely?". Yes I can. It is very tough for me. I am dreaming about talking to somebody, doesn't matter what about, just talk to someone i trust. Unfortunatelly there is nobody i could talk to. I don't have any friends. Only people at school, but it doesn't count because i only meet them at school. They often meet outside, they organise parties which i am invited to, but i don't go, because i am too scared. Every day is full of suicidal thoughts, i just can't get rid of these. All the time i am thinking about suicide. I don't think i could actually do it, but i can't stop thinking about it. I dream a lot about suicide, my favourite one is that i take a gun, go to school during lesson, go into a classroom, shout "Why me!!!" and shoot myself to death. I can't stand myself. At school i do my best to pretend i am a normal guy, people know i am not a sociable guy, i think they suspect that i am not very brave, but i am sure that they got no idea how bad i actually feel. Plus lately i felt in love with a girl that goes to the same class as i do. This is another problem which makes me feel even worse. I hate her for loving her. Life is tough.

Now back to the subject. I love when bad things happen to people, expecially to those happy ones. I don't think i would like bad thing happen to someone like me, who is full of unstandable pain. Stuff like, death of someones mother makes me feel better. I know its cruel, please don't judge me for that, i don't know why i feel that way, but i do. I hope people will fail at exams, and any other bad stuff.

I am very sad, i would love to be active in social life, but i can't. I have got this blocade inside myself that doesn't let me go anywhere. I don't think i am ugly, but i have this feeling that whenever people look at me they think "OH god whan an ugly piece of crap". I think that if i would go to a party everybody would laugh at me because i would probably stand in the corner doing nothing, thinking about suicide. I can't stand my life. If i only found someone in this ... life who would talk to me and would take me serious i would thank god for that. OH, i am atheist by the way. Loneliness and suicidal thoughts are the worst, they are just sucking energy from my body. I just want to die, i really want not to wake up another day.

I don't know why i wrote all this. I just never told anyone how i really feel, so i had to do it online. Yes i am a coward. I deserve to die.

Thank you for reading this.

I know how you feel, I don't want bad things to happen to people I just want everyone to understand me, I want them to be at the same pace as me. You probably are a little Jealous because everyone's seems to be moving forward and your moving back or staying still. You don't want to be the odd man out anymore and that is completely understandable.. I think alot of people in this forum can relate. Your NOT a loser. Keep your head up.

 

[Silvox Black]

Ha! Let me tell you this first and foremost my good sir, there is nothing wrong with finding joy in watching those of undeserved rank and status suffer. There is some sort of ironic justice in it. Perhaps somehow, they are that much closer to knowing what true pain, the pain we suffer through, is like.

As for your thoughts and your views on how the rest of society runs, it is completely understandable. I myself am quite bitter of how a damned luck of the draw gives people unlimited possibilities to do whatever the hell they want while people like us are given the short end of the stick. However you must understand you are not alone and there are solutions. Posting on the internet for one thing is not cowardly. Don't listen to a damn word that anyone else says about the internet and taking it as a joke. Words here are just as potent, just as realas words we speak. I would recommend posting on the forum, browsing around, see if you find people you like or can relate to. You are certainly not alone in your feelings and pains. Once you gain confidence and speaking skills by talking to people on here, you can eventually gain more ability in the real world.

 

[Joan6466]

You are very insightful- you may one day be able to help people with social anxiety. I began teaching classes in shyness many years ago, and one reason was I didn't want anyone else to suffer as much as I had to be around members of my own species- the human race. Shyness is a very alterable condition- it is NOT -I promise you- a life sentence. You will need to learn social skills, thought-changing skills- relaxation methods- and becoming a good coach on to yourself. Sometimes our emotional signals are out of whack- envy simply means that's something I want. Fear and terror can be signals that's something I really want to do. I used to say, fear equals go! But what makes that possible is learning what to say, developing a friendly body language, restructuring thoughts that support you and humanize the other people- all people for example have mortal wounds, self-doubts regardless of their presented facade. All the comments from others are very thoughtful. Mainly, remember- social anxiety can absolutely be dramatically reduced- you will one day say, I did it!

 

[Smokeringz]

see a therapist, this is my best advice my therapist has helped me considerable they help you get down to the deepness of your problem and come to solution. and print off what you just wrote and hand it to the man or woman.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

Maybe Schadenfreude doesn't suit you. It doesn't suit most people and the joy they derive from others' misfortune is normally only bitterness and envy in disguise. One way you can learn to cope with your envy is to try and be happy for others. Genuinely happy, I mean. That and make an effort to go to a party when you're invited. At least you get invited to parties and aren't an outcast being picked on mercilessly day after day. Your situation could be a lot worse.