i dont want to be alive

[wellokthen]

I’m not doing this for people to feel bad for me or for attention. I’ve only told one person about my depression and that was my ex girlfriend. She couldn’t handle when I actually came out and told her about how I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts for years. I’m a 21-year-old college student with nothing left in me. I lost all motivation to do anything anymore, I don’t feel anything anymore, I just have nothing left to me I'm just a waste of a shell. If I had one wish it'd be that I could switch places with someone with a terminal disease because they deserve to have a healthy body. I feel guilty for feeling this way and it’s been so long that I've felt this way. I’ve been praying to not wake up when I fall asleep since I was in the 5th grade. I’ve tried to kill my self a couple times starting back in the 6th grade when I took a handful of like over the counter, no way it'd kill me looking back at it now it just made me really sick. Then I thought it might have done the job. All my friends at one point has either stabbed me in the back or thrown me away for someone bigger and better. I made the mistake once telling a friend my parents were worried I was depressed and he joked about how I should just kill myself and get it over with. I could never kill myself because that is too selfish of me and its not fair for a healthy body to just be given up even though the past years that’s all I’ve been is just a nothing. I haven’t just been sitting in bed all these years, I played sports and had friends but no matter what since 5th grade everything has been done with a fake smile on my face. At night no matter where I would be laying down I would always be hoping either I have a heart attack in my sleep and I don’t wake up or that tomorrow I’m in some horrible accident that kills me. I’ve always prayed that it only happens to me, meaning that I pray for a car accident but that the car is fine and the other people are fine but I don’t want to survive. Since I have been 16 and been able to drive I’ve always wanted to have the balls to just drive off a bridge or the brakes go out and I run into a wall and fly out, this is why I never wear a seatbelt. I don’t want to talk to anyone because nothing is going to change my mind on this I just want to be dead and I know that everyone I know will be over my death within a couple days. I’ve tried to give myself a better life. My soccer didn’t work out because they said I wasn’t big enough so I didn’t even follow through with the tryouts I got for different college scholarships so I just went to the university everyone goes to where I'm from. I’ve had three internships and the last one I worked 65-70 hours a week and they screwed me on my last paycheck by taking my contracts and giving them to someone else. I had a girl friend for a couple months and told her about my situation because I felt that maybe she could help me because I'm madly in love with her. She broke up with me when I told her that my trust issues and my sex drive didn’t have to deal with her but me since I’ve never ever tried trusted anyone to tell them how I’ve actually felt. We then were dating off and on for a couple more months and it never got better she still though it was her fault and said that me being depressed was too much for her to be with. She broke up with me on Christmas Eve Christmas night. Then I took her on a date where I took her to a nice expensive restaurant and then ice skating just something different and something to show I care even brought her flowers when I picked her up. She broke up with me that night after that too. But still I fought and convinced her not to end it but finally I have nothing left in me to fight for. Why fight to be with me when I wouldn’t even want to be with me, I don’t even want to be alive so why would I want her to be with me. I still do love her and that’s why I don’t want her with me because she deserves better than someone who prays for death everyday and night. To think even typing this id be crying or upset but I’ve got nothing I just don’t care I just keeping hoping I have a heart attack.

 

[twiggle]

All I can say is that: things change all the time. I've thought similar things to you in the past so I can understand your feelings. It's a bitter trap sometimes when you don't want to be alive but you don't have any choice in the matter either (I'm glad you're not considering suicide).
But... life really is about ups and downs. At 21 you have a whole heap of time ahead of you for this to turn around. Things will change. If you want motivation look no further than the limitless opportunities that the future can bring you. What do you want to do in life? What would make you happy? Life is very much in your own hands. Identify what it is you want and in the process there'll be less time for these thoughts of dying. There is no value in thinking about dying. You might think it will bring relief and so you find the thoughts comforting, but yet if you were to die you wouldn't even know it. Therefore those thoughts are pointless, so try and replace them with other ones.
But most importantly, keep faith and belief that things can change. If you do that, then just maybe they will.

 

[Section_31]

Hi Well,

I can tell yuor definately in pain, and im sorry.

I take your words very seriously, and i cant be serious enough when i say i believe you. I have to ask, have you sought any kind of proffessional help for the way you are feeling?. I know you said you tried to get support from your gf's. Have you seen a docotor or therapist or called a hotline or anything like that?.

Sorry for just throwing these out there, i dont mean these as an end all solution at all in any way, but there are trained professionals who can help you without being judgemental, they do care and they do want to help. I understand the pain your feeling, and you dont need to carry this weight alone friend.

Im not saying any of the things i mentioned above are a magic bullet to make things better overnight, but really, it will help to make things easier, and at least bearable to the point when you can start to climb up again.

Dont lose hope. We care about you, your not alone.

Send me a PM if you want to vent more. I'll listen.

 

[wellokthen]

Its not like I want to have these thoughts, I just don't have any others going on. I wish I didnt think like this but i do and it just sucks. I know im still young but ive been like this for 10 years which is a couple months under half my life already. Ive tried to change and do things and have goals but then when I those goals it didnt make me feel better.
Ive tried to set up an appointment to see someone but I ended up not going on a couple occasions because I didnt see a point in doing it.
Thanks guys, I really appreciate it

 

[market.garden]

Ive tried to set up an appointment to see someone but I ended up not going on a couple occasions because I didnt see a point in doing it.
Thanks guys, I really appreciate it

I felt like that too, on more than one occasion. Motivating yourself is one of the trickiest things, but whether or not you can see a point in seeing someone, it can't hurt can it?

 

[Prestonator]

hey well i personally haven't been in your situation but a close member of my family has. I think the best advice I can give is to seek help from a therapist. I know right now it might not help, but it actually might. It may give you some insight as to why you are feeling like you are. Understanding the root of the depression is the start to getting over it. Do you know the root of your depression?

 

[Porto]

I've the same toughts much of the time. But killing myself will not help that much to have a better life. Life can suck, however is the same problems that make life worth.

 

[wellokthen]

I would imagine the root of my problem is I never have talked to anyone so in my mind no one will ever care so if I keep it all to myself than no one would think there is anything wrong and will accept me. That was a run on sentence.

 

[MikeyC]

I have been in your position before, mate, although not quite as bad or as long. You're going through a very extreme form of apathy, where you simply don't care what happens to you, and, in a way, I'm going through the same thing.

It sounds like you need professional help, or even strong anti-depressants to help you. I would definitely consider one of the two, mate, because you're obviously in a world of hurt. Also, despite what you think, there are people that would be sad if you died. I used to think the same, but I know there's going to be at least a small amount of grieving people if I died. It will be the same for you.

 

[she1slander]

I would imagine the root of my problem is I never have talked to anyone so in my mind no one will ever care so if I keep it all to myself than no one would think there is anything wrong and will accept me. That was a run on sentence.

I was like that for many years, I'd say almost a decade until I sought help from a counsellor, started taking meds, and became more aware about what thoughts patterns I've been having that contribute to my depression. So I can understand what you're going through, though not exactly since everyone experiences it a little differently to some degree, but I have been in your place many times and I know how difficult it is.

Opening up to people was never easy for me and so making the decision to talk to someone, preferrably someone you can trust, is already a good start. I would seriously recommend that you talk to someone like a counsellor about the things that bother you because as difficult as it may be to do, it is far more effective than simply asking for advice online where no one will see you. It is much harder to face someone and reveal some hidden truths about yourself because it puts you in a vulnerable place. The steps to recovery is not an easy road to take but believe me, this is the best way to start.

Remember: if there are people on this thread who are willing to take the time to give you some advice because they actually care, chances are there are also people out there who really do care to help you on this. Please don't lose hope.

 

[Kiwong]

Be careful what terminal disease you choose. Most are slow, excrutiatingly painful and debilitating ways to die.

 

[hidwell]

Ditto, I know exactly how you feel

 

[Clown]

Same, still wondering why im still here...

 

[MollyBeGood]

I read the entire OP the other day and I want to say say I can relate-I feel my life is a complete purposeless bad dream most of the time and too hard to deal with all my bullcrap but BUT there are things really worth living for to experience you just have to seek them out and have hope. You do need to talk to people more so you can get this stuff out there and off your mind. This forum is a good place for help.

TBH the one thing that helps me the most to keep me from going down the "I wish I were dead road", is to be Thankful for what you DO have. I make a list of 5 things everytime I get really depressed and when you appreciate things in your life there's no way you can forsake it (your life) at the same time.

It really helps me, maybe it will help you too. I know for a fact this has been the best way for me to keep from feeling so badly as you described. I know you're in pain so I would try it at least.

Keep us posted-like Mickey says there's more people who care about you than you know.

 

[satstrn]

Why exactly do you want to kill yourself? Is it that you feel youll never find what you want or that you will be unable to get it? Do you not want to experience joy and pleasure in your life? If not, why do you think that is? I guess what I'm asking is, do you want to be depressed or do you want things to get better? If the latter, what exactly would have to get better for things to turn around? Try to get to the root of the problem, like some people said on here identify what you want in life first. It sounds to me like you really don't want to kill yourself, meaning that you don't want to be depressed. So think about what will have to change for things to get better.

 

[Kat791]

I feel just like you. Every word. I'm 20 yrs old i don't want to live anymore, i'm too tired. I wish i had the option of suicide, but i don't have it. I can't kill myself because that would ruin my parents lives, so i can't be sellfish. If they were dead, i wouldn't think twice. Thinking about killing myself feels so peacefull. Sometimes i wish i could donate right now all my organs, everything of me, to some one else. Some one that can do something better with their lives.

Sorry my english is not perfect... yet

 

[wellokthen]

When I think about things getting better I still dont feel happy. Imagining everything I want in life, I still know I wont be happy. Even when I work for things it still doesnt help to accomplish things. I know there will be some people grieving and thats why suicide is not an option. But if there was a way to get in a car accident and die then I would feel less guilty about it becasue its not the selfish way out, even though it still is selfish.