How would u react? (not intended to bully or persecute)

[grapevine]

Ive been spilling my beans all over this forum for awhile - all caught up in this toxic relationship.

He has schizophrenia and the things that come with that are all so over-consuming for me in such stress.

When someone acts in ways that disturb you. When there are no boundaries to their egotism and no self-questions asked of their paranoid delusions they think are real and they are passionate about.

This just makes me feel sick and so tired and upset again and again.

There is the disturbed part like this:

Theres literally loads of selfies like this each day and also on FB going back years.

Where on Instagram and FB - he can spend his days so pre-occupied with selfies of himself and videos of himself. He just wants to be able to have some power over the internet or something- I'm not quite sure - but I told him this was disturbing to me and I told him why. His response was for me not to go on there.

When he comes over to see you- and cant interact with you- because he is too much involved in looking at his photos and videos of himself.


And then there are those posts that say that' you will never meet me in person -good luck with your life- its so funny that you're obsessed with me lol.. all you have is your profile pictures to update.

Things like that. It goes on.

He basically has paranoid delusions of people online - he doesn't seem to grasp that he is just an ordinary nobody online like most people. He thinks that people look him up all the time because he looks random anyone up all the time- gets really frustrated with their profile pictures and thinks they are mocking him or that they are not good enough to be on facebook.


There are just so many things. Like the lacking of boundaries to his immaturity and clown type personality to his what I call the Taxman personality where he cannot even laugh or respond.

He cannot initiate. He has issues with being unable to emotionally respond appropriately which gets me upset a lot. When you don't get those basic needs met. It's really hurtful. Esp when in relationships there's that thing -where its a dance of sharing and giving receiving.. with him it's me giving and him receiving and that's kinda how it flows with him.

But in amongst all that- its just the un-intended selfish behaviour Im so tired of. When I think about it- what Im putting myself through with him. Im disrespecting myself. Its all about him and because he is mentally ill and delsuional- me saying what I think to him makes no cents.

He just cant give. He has no goals and is a sad case of delusions and self-implode.


Im not ready to hurt his feelings yet. Im scared of it - I feel too much for people and never done that before. And not ready for the hole it will leave. Ive never had a guy really be solidly want me like this. It's something that has been a game changer in my life of being Asexual for a very long time. Its changed me into someone feeling less in social low self esteem, yet its a crazy one sided relationship literally. But I do care for him and I enjoy some company. But I hold so much resentment - because I was the one paying for all his meals and driving him places and paying to go to the pictures and a concert and things like that- its like none of that I had and things I do - none of it will ever be recipicated to me. Even the $100 he said he would pay me back for to go to this concert at the start of this year with me- has never been paid back. Hell pay back other people but forget me. I feel so disrespected.

When you feel like you want to run well away from it.

How would you react to this?

I know I take responsibility for putting up with it. But things are complicated with me. I honestly feel like screaming and pushing him away- as his whole lifestyle and illness with his beliefs and online bombardment .. it all makes me feel so pushed into a corner. I'm not for his ways of life and mindless ways - its so opposite to who I am and I feel like my identity is shadowed by him.

 

[Graeme1988]

Not going to lie, that bit about you not wanting to hurt this guy's feeling because you care so much for people hit home with me. :sad:

Anyway, going by what you said - and please understand I'm not saying this to be harsh or have a go at the fella. But if were me, I'd just up and leave the relationship, personal.

If I were to have a friend who called me and said:

"Hey man, wanna come over and hang out?"​

Then they proceeded to just ignore and not interact with me from the moment I showed up, I'd just leave after realising this person clearly doesn't care if I'm even here.

Again, that's just me and how I'd react, personal.

 

[Hot_Tamale]

Do you mean how I would personally react to someone constantly taking advantage of me, like taking money, being given meals, and loads of my time without feeling like the other person was giving anything back in return?

If I can't get the message across to someone then I would involve a third party to convey the message(s) for me. In professional counseling this is called triangulation, where if a couple has trouble communicating they allow the counselor to act as the mediator in the session.

If that didn't work then I would resort to creating tension in our relationship to put permanent distance between us.

 

[grapevine]

Yes it shouldnt be tolerated.

Thing is its un-intentional because of its part of his illness that he is unaware of so it feels mean to push my feelings on him, even tho I should and I have.

I guess its mainly the delusional behaviour that I want to ask about. All these grandiose beliefs about himself with such arrogance really makes me feel like I want to take him down many knots and bully him because it's so deflated and so opposite to how things really are.

It make me feel sick and upset that Im with this guy who is so far removed from reality its not even funny and in quite disbelief.

In those regards how would you act?

And also when someone close has a slight hygiene issue or if their room is not clean - how do I speak up about those things without becoming nagging and feeling embarrassed for and compensating from uncomfortableness?

 

[Graeme1988]

Don't really know, that's a difficult one to answer. As for the cleanliness issue, both physical and in terms of living space, try to make the person see that things are a mess. I'd throw out a "C'mon! You can't keep your place like this", but given the guy's issues that might be taken the wrong way? :idontknow:


But, given what you said earlier about how much of a caring person you are, try and tell him about cleanliness issue without coming off as belittling or judging him for it. I mean, if that's possible? And trying to encourage him to keep things clean and tell him you will help him with that. Since acknowledging this part of the situation would be a small step in the right direction. :thumbup:

 

[grapevine]

Well the reality I face when I'm a partner of his - is having to deal with distressing behavior - the whole person he is- is entrenched in delusions and inappropriate behavior for his age and complete lack of responsibilities for his age.

I've come so far in my own self-development and feel I have learned valuable lessons that I take wholeheartedly. So to see himself with these immature ideas and complete lack of goals even daily goals. I asked him what he wants to do- where he wants to be in a few years and he told me he was happy being in his shed looking up people and trolling. He always says conflicting things depending on which mindset he is in. Its all very stressful.

I look at my sister and her husband- far from perfect but at least he has a job and is all there-- and has goals to get a house and things like that. With Rugs he thinks that if he gets his disability (which i have had to push him for 6 over months to even give forms to his dr) then we can get a house and block of land together and have kids..(he tells me) (??!!) he is far removed from reality - he lives in delusions and it screams at me that Im being dis-respectful to myself being with him. And the fact is that Ive never had to break up with anyone before and I dont know how to. And also I fear that my overwieght/unsocial/ A Sexual former self will come back to haunt me if Rugs isnt there to be that difference I guess.

I told him I get distressed seeing his stuff on the internet because it was disturbing and I explained why. I told him I can get upset and cry for an hour over things because its so confronting and disturbing to be going out with that person.

Its like if I'm not with him and I'm doing my own thing- he stays in his house and just takes photos of his face over and over and uploads them to Instagram and then goes on Facebook and writes obnoxious things trying to be crude humor.
It's like unless someone pushes him to get out and go get a life- he just ends up stuck in hie room.

And I've got to be very careful with my health now because I've become burnt out after last year and this year of being with him. It has been too much as I'm now experiencing burnout- where just doing basic things makes me exhausted now and I end up with flu-like symptoms and having completely 0 energy like I've been run over by a steamroller. And it sux.

He is very loyal, but until these last few months - for over a year - he tested my obligations - where I have issues with saying no. He wanted to be with me all the time and I had no boundaries with him- he was in my face all the time and I had no time to myself. My mum was and still gets worried about me as he always wants me over or wants to stay over.

He can come over to my place - stay for 5 minutes - hardly talk to me, then go home then ring me up an hour or 2 later and tell me hes coming over again..

That's the kind of behavior I deal with from him all the time. Everything is tied up in indecisiveness on how he feels and not being able to truly be present or really interact with me/ to interact with him is to question my judgements and shrink down to his level of communication which is usually just silly childish play on words or talking about himself or me talking about myself with him not listening. The odd time where I've had actual authentic conversations with him on a deep level- Ive come out with a smack of reality on my face where I cannot believe his reality and just want to crawl away from him undetected because I find he is actually nuts and its so frustrating and disappointing and heartbreaking that he doesnt realise - even if I told him - he still wouldnt realise.

I've basically gotten to the point where I have to protect myself and my health and not care anymore about him. I mean he doesn't care and still continues to do stuff online specifically what I told him distresses me. So he really - to think about it - he really only acts and thinks for himself 99 percent of the time. He doesnt deserve me and all the things I have done for him. Its funny that when I decide like I have been not to care anymore. So if he is over my place - Im not going to entertain him- Im not going to be present with him- I literally can be bothered respecting him because of his lack of values and responsibilities and everything else. Its funny because he doesn't even notice or seem like he cares when Im like that - so yeah- Im just not taking on his stuff anymore- as much as it is frustrating to see someone with lack of basic skills and not have a clue or care on that- it makes you want to step in without thinking and just help him with all these things- but Im not doing that anymore because its an endless thing that he cannot seem to do or learn himself lol.

He goes on about how he thinks people like him and cant tell he has schizophrenia because he grooms himself so well and he has a kind handsome face (his words..) - so then I tell him - but you wear the same clothes all week and they smell - including your underwear- and it really smells. And hes like.. well just the face part. .... his reality..
Im not caring anymore about his stuff. Even the distressing stuff. But being in a relationship when youve emotionally remvoed yourself from it because that person is so distressing to you- that is where I have issues.

Im just concentrating on my health and the thing I like - and not him anymore. Im just so tired of it- its truely distressing - esp being on the tip of wanting to part and not knowing how.

Im doing chair work with my therapist on this which is good. But Im not breaking up with him until I find myself again.

 

[AtTheGates]

Well clearly he's doing something that you feel is very wrong or else I suppose you probably wouldn't be mentioning any of this.

if you haven't made a list of pros and cons about him then maybe you should . Then decide if he's worth being with at all.

if he has a complete lack of goals then that could definitely be a red flag.

...among other things.

 

[Ransfordrowe]

Hi.I guess you wanted advice from site members so here goes.Sometimes when someone desperately does not want to be alone then they stay in a toxic relationship.They know that it is not the ideal relationship but they fear loosing even a bad relationship.If a person is very unhappy in that situation then being in it is not a good idea.Give the person your with the chance to change to improve the partnership.If that works then great but if not then you need to ask yourself seriously if getting out of it would be the best thing to dften we know when something is not right for us but making the choice can be hard.Be brave and remember your deserve to be treated with respect and consideration.

 

[grapevine]

Hi.I guess you wanted advice from site members so here goes.Sometimes when someone desperately does not want to be alone then they stay in a toxic relationship.They know that it is not the ideal relationship but they fear loosing even a bad relationship.If a person is very unhappy in that situation then being in it is not a good idea.Give the person your with the chance to change to improve the partnership.If that works then great but if not then you need to ask yourself seriously if getting out of it would be the best thing to dften we know when something is not right for us but making the choice can be hard.Be brave and remember your deserve to be treated with respect and consideration.

Bingo!

haha- this is me in a nutshell. Ive made up my mind quite some time ago now. He seriously cannot meet me even a 1/4 of the way because his illness makes him so hopeless he cant even look after himself or do basic things. He has gotten much worse and esp when I decide not to give. What happens is this big kinda shock no matter how many times I see his behaviour I cannot believe that a guy in his 30s can be like that. Its so severe. And the thing is he is so delusional he has no clue about it, even if I tell him straight about his behaviour.

Im in this relationship because I fear Ill become this fat- A-sexual non-independent girl again. Because I changed myself at work when I first met him- I changed myself for him to get his attention. I lost a lot of weight and started caring for myself. I started to really go far with my self-esteem and my independence and so many fears left me. I wasnt the girl in the co-dependence with her deaf mother anymore- and just living to please her parents and animals in this small world.
He represents for me something for years that I thought was never possible. Something that drove me to care for myself. Which I never could. I use to be so overweight for some time and not want to go out. I lived in a very small world.

Im in this situation now tho, where Im realising that he actually has unintentionally helped hinder my self care and things and ive started to go down hill. It was never him- that helped me change myself to like myself a little itty bit - it was the idea of him. Which is not him lol.

But still I hang on- because I dont want to hurt his feelings, because I feel like I still need him in my life till I can stand on my independent feet again and be ready to say goodbye and also you get so used to people that it can make you feel like your exaggerating bad things and shouldn't worry about them. Something like that.

But he is seriously. I mean this morning as I was getting reasdy for work and in a rush he comes over. I mean??? I felt rude - but he knows Im getting ready for work. I pass him by in my bathroom taking loads of selfies in the mirror and uploading them to Instagram. He then just sits in the living room siliently waiting for me as I have a shower and get ready for work. All the while I feel pressure to hurry up even more to be social with him when I shouldnt be. Then one I got ready he says goodbye and have a nice day and goes home lol.
Rewind to the day before where I decided to take myself with him for a drive to a secluded beach to see some kangaroos. And he was so cranky and because it was warm day- didnt even join me on the beach. He ignored alot of me talking to him like always. Couldnt get his attention. lol

Thats what its like. I dont respect him at all. Ether to my parents. He just lacks basic human things Im afraid and its gotten so much worse.

 

[Graeme1988]

I dont respect him at all. Ether to my parents. He just lacks basic human things Im afraid and its gotten so much worse.

What you said here... :sad:

I mean, I feel for you, sweetheart. As I've got an older sibling who only thinks about themselves, and has no regard for anyone but themselves. So I know how difficult it can be to get through to people like that.

But what you said about not respecting this guy and things only getting worse. That would me worried as well, if I were in your situation. As well as being my "F*ck this, I'm out! I'm done!" moment. :thumbdown:

Sorry, I don't mean to appear like I'm disregarding everything you said in that last post, grapevine. It's just, the last part really stood out to me.

 

[theslowesthand]

I agree with Graeme. Respect is (usually) the #1 thing for a man. I wonder, does he feel your lack of respect, or is he oblivious to it all? :question:
Surely he can't be THAT "out of it" that he doesn't pick up on this :question: :question:

 

[Graeme1988]

I agree with Graeme. Respect is (usually) the #1 thing for a man. I wonder, does he feel your lack of respect, or is he oblivious to it all? :question:
Surely he can't be THAT "out of it" that he doesn't pick up on this :question: :question:

Aye, that's true. Respect usually is the #1 thing for a man in a relationship. But, he also has to have respect for himself before he can get it for other. At least, that's my perspective.

Also, if this guy is that oblivious to your lack of respect, grapevine. Well, not seem too harsh - given your situation with him - but that says that he doesn't care about you, even if you still care about him. :sad:

Sorry, not saying that to make you feel bad. Just expanding upon the point I'd made in my previous post

 

[Graeme1988]

Although if you eat a spicy vindaloo curry, then that too can cloud your gut instinct, but that's for another topic.

Did he just...?! Whoa! No offence intended, obviously, but this pun got a laugh outta me. :bigsmile: