How to be more confident.

[MikeyC]

"Fake it till you make it."

That's what my therapist tells me every time I see her.
Why?
Because 'be' something for long enough and you'll start to believe it.
That's how to train(trick) your brain into thinking a different way than it previously did.

I'm assuming that was her basic message and it does work for some people.
You have to REALLY believe in what you're telling yourself though.

That would require more willpower than I admit to having.

one of the fundamental ironies on this forum

people whose disorder, by definition, makes them anxious about being judged are some of the most judgmental folks you'll ever encounter

why is that exactly?

something for everyone to ponder, if they dare

I try not to be judgmental, but I am the first one to put my hand up and say that I do it occasionally. I am not perfect.

 

[coyote]

I try not to be judgmental, but I am the first one to put my hand up and say that I do it occasionally. I am not perfect.

yeah, we all do it

but i wonder....

if we learned how NOT do to do it so much

would we be less inclined to think that everyone is doing it to us

and, in that way, help ourselves in feeling less judged by others?

 

[MikeyC]

yeah, we all do it

but i wonder....

if we learned how NOT do to do it so much

would we be less inclined to think that everyone is doing it to us

and, in that way, help ourselves in feeling less judged by others?

My best friend is very judgmental - he'll judge women on their weight alone, for example - but he has every confidence he is not being judged, or he is being talked about in high regard.

I like to believe people aren't judging me, but the fact that I wear all black and listen to extreme heavy metal, I know people are.

 

[coyote]

My best friend is very judgmental - he'll judge women on their weight alone, for example - but he has every confidence he is not being judged, or he is being talked about in high regard.

I like to believe people aren't judging me, but the fact that I wear all black and listen to extreme heavy metal, I know people are.

interesting

the more i let go of judging others, the less i feel that others are judging me

or maybe it's the other way around - i'm not sure

but they seem to go hand in hand

most people assume that everyone else thinks the same way too

so if we are judgmental, we assume that everyone else is judgmental, too

if we flip it around...

if we assume that everyone else is judgmental, maybe it's because that's how WE look at the wold - that WE are judgmental....

 

[MikeyC]

interesting

the more i let go of judging others, the less i feel that others are judging me

or maybe it's the other way around - i'm not sure

but they seem to go hand in hand

most people assume that everyone else thinks the same way too

so if we are judgmental, we assume that everyone else is judgmental, too

if we flip it around...

if we assume that everyone else is judgmental, maybe it's because that's how WE look at the wold - that WE are judgmental....

Good points. I try not to judge others and I still like to think I'm not being judged. Based on my attire I do believe I am sometimes.

I don't think you are being judged, based upon what I know of you.

 

[Aletheia]

I try not to be judgmental, but I am the first one to put my hand up and say that I do it occasionally. I am not perfect.

Awesome. It requires a lot of insight and strength to acknowledge our own imperfections. (And I'll stick my hand up too.)

As for judgemental attitudes on here, a couple of guesses: I think we all tend to see ourselves as fundamentally different to everyone else, as if we're the only defective person on the planet. And because everyone else is non-defective, we assume that they are a lot more resilient and **** together than they actually are, and therefore not hurt by or even more deserving of our criticism than we are. (Although I also think that there are plenty of people on here who criticise themselves far more than the do others.)

The other thing is that I think when we're hurting so badly that we can neither sit with it nor see where it's coming from internally, that there's a naturally tendency to try to blame the world for that hurt in an attempt to shift it away from us. But ultimately it's not a useful tendency because the only way we can reliably tear the hurt up from the roots is to go find where it's growing inside.

 

[Aletheia]

if we assume that everyone else is judgmental, maybe it's because that's how WE look at the wold - that WE are judgmental....

Projection.

 

[Silatuyok]

People here don't want to be judged over their appearance, voice, way of dressing, or income level so why is it that they think it's ok to do it to others? This is a flaw in the human way of thinking.

It's the duality of humankind at work.

 

[KiaKaha]

most people assume that everyone else thinks the same way too

Indeed - I think if more people realized that then we could adapt ourselves to deal with different people and difficult situations far better. It would probably incur more tolerance and patience with others - Its an interesting observation to see posts to peoples dilemmas where the "answer" is given - without taking into account the way a person thinks and in some cases - the way that they feel.

As for judging - no one can stop doing it. Its wired into us. Whether we want to admit it or not - people judge on every nuance of human interaction - on such a level we dont even realize it, and in turn our behaviour will reflect this.
We judge because its the mechanism that determines whether or not we like someone - as well as any number of characteristics. Its intrinsic and necessary to survive. The only thing you can do (and sometimes its not enough) - is to at least be aware that you are judging - keeping the knee jerk response to a minimum.

It is interesting to note that none of us like to be judged, yet are quite prepared to do so quite harshly to others. Acceptance is something we all desire, but I am not convinced of the relationship between judging others (seeing as its so natural) - and the anxiety of being judged. They are two different matters IMO.

Btw - I dont suppose anyone actually knows how to be more confident...?

 

[MsBuzzkillington]

Btw - I dont suppose anyone actually knows how to be more confident...?

Don't tell yourself that you don't matter. If you catch yourself saying something negative, counter it with something positive. Look in the mirror and tell yourself 5 positive things that you like about yourself. Over and over and over again.

 

[Camazotz]

yeah, we all do it

but i wonder....

if we learned how NOT do to do it so much

would we be less inclined to think that everyone is doing it to us

and, in that way, help ourselves in feeling less judged by others?

You're totally onto something here. This is key in making progress with an aspect of social phobia. Judging of others comes from a place of insecurity, whether it's shown or not. Having applied this to my own life, I know it does help.

 

[SM1010]

You have to change your negative thoughts about yourself into positive ones. It sounds silly but it really does work. It's called cognitive behavioral therapy and there's a reason why it's the most successful treatment for social anxiety.

List all the positive qualities about yourself and read them off to yourself on a daily basis.

When my therapist first tried to get me to do it I thought it was silly and basically never gave it a fair try. It actually took me coming to this website to realize how negative people with SA are and I started trying to think more positively. It really does work.

 

[SilentBird]

I think confidence is gained from practice and patience with oneself.

 

[coyote]

Btw - I dont suppose anyone actually knows how to be more confident...?

although it may seem that confidence comes from being assured that we know the outcome of any given situation, the problem is that anxiety manifests itself when we try so hard to pre-determine the outcome - particularly if we choose to believe that the outcome will be negative (how many of us truly have the power to see into the future?)

real confidence comes from not fixating on what the outcome will be

instead of concentrating on the end result, we're better off concentrating on the process

do the best we can, be satisfied with that, and let the chips fall where they may

then trust that, no matter the outcome, it'll be ok

 

[Silatuyok]

Confidence comes from doing the things that you thought you couldn't do.

 

[KiaKaha]

instead of concentrating on the end result, we're better off concentrating on the process

Yeah - you're probably right.... or at least thats certainly a helpful way to view things. The thing is though - confidence is a really complex topic. There are so many layers to it. How does a confident person come across? Isnt it really a two way game? Is projecting yourself in a confident way enough? What about if you feel confident but see you as unconfident - does it still count?

I was watching beauty and the geek last night on TV - I believe confidence is greatly determined by how well people treat you as you grow up. You know these geeks with their awkward social interactions and shyness - I can so relate. I mean, I always find it interesting that the people who have the most to say about confidence are usually really attractive, outgoing privileged types. I would like to see just for once - advice about being confident who doesnt fit into they typical image of what a confident person would seem like.

If that makes sense... probably doesnt.

 

[coyote]

i'm not privileged

you CAN project confidence even when you're not especially confident - perhaps not everyone is able to do this inherently, but it can be learned (again, maybe not by everyone - maybe some people have a knack for it where others don't)

i attended a 13 week crash course in how to act confident called "United States Marine Corps boot camp" - so i know that it's possible

alot of it really has to do with the way you carry yourself - your demeanor, your body language - but the mental aspect is key

and that is simply being able to accept whatever happens

confidence is a form of mental toughness

and toughness isn't about being powerful enough to make things happen the way you want

it's about being able to withstand whatever happens to you

if you are prepared and can accept the outcome of any given situation - then you can face it with confidence

 

[THeCARS1979]

the first thing I have to do is think more positive and stop with the negative obsessive thoughts as well. I think its called cognitive behavior

 

[SilentBird]

People are often stronger and more capable than what they think they are. Sometimes people find their strength when they are thrown into unexpectantly difficult situations, and they step up to the mark. I've done things in my life I never thought I could, but somehow I did.

 

[muxmux]

although it may seem that confidence comes from being assured that we know the outcome of any given situation, the problem is that anxiety manifests itself when we try so hard to pre-determine the outcome - particularly if we choose to believe that the outcome will be negative (how many of us truly have the power to see into the future?)

real confidence comes from not fixating on what the outcome will be

instead of concentrating on the end result, we're better off concentrating on the process

do the best we can, be satisfied with that, and let the chips fall where they may

then trust that, no matter the outcome, it'll be ok

I so agree with this, u said everything.