Ravens
Well-known member
I'm 25 years old, and a university student. I was house bound after two failed attempts at college after leaving school. I barely left the house for 5 years, practically limited to just taking the dog out (even that was a struggle at times, despite the fact I'd done it over and over again).
After going through counselling, and subsequently getting lost in the bureaucracy of it all (counsellor left and I was never given proper direction on how to continue), I forced myself back into a college course I took before. It was mainly fear driven, I could feel myself ageing and just not doing anything, and that scared me into action. I didn't feel as if I was cured, and there were plenty of awkward moments, but I took pride in at least thinking my life was moving forward in positive steps. I still wasn't going out to socialise, but I felt a part of the world at least. I was still living at home, my sanctuary, so I had a place to escape to.
College finished, got good grades and I decided to go to university. Partly because I felt it would be enjoyable to learn the subject, but also because I was afraid of trying to find a job (God knows how I'm going to explain my lack of jobs over the years, how do you do it)?
At least following the education route, there's less pressure on me to do things I'm uncomfortable with.
Anyway I'm in university now, but I failed my first year. It's been difficult living away from home. I ended up confining myself to the little room I had on campus for the last 3 weeks... not easy to explain it away to friends but you learn to be a good liar under these constant circumstances I suppose. I found the taught subject difficult to learn and I'm not good at asking for help, depression kind of built up and it all just spiralled out of control, I've begun to doubt if I even enjoy the subject, or whether my anxiety is just blocking me from feeling any joy in it.
I feel like I've got no one to turn to here, they don't know about my past and I can't trust them to understand or treat me the same afterward. It's difficult to chat to my parents because I know they'll be disappointed, and afraid I'm regressing.
I'm afraid I'll fail again, and I've no idea where I'll turn to. My parents were so pleased I was starting to make my own way in the world but I feel like I'm ready to fall back into the abyss, and I don't know what will happen to my mental state if that happens.
I have good days (some really good days), and some really bad days. I sometimes wonder how on earth I will manage to hold down a job with this constant pendulum of thoughts and feelings. But then it hits me. Some people are entirely house bound, so how do you live? Do you live with your parents still or are you on your own, how do you get things in to eat, earn money etc?
I can't fathom going back to the way I was, and I know if I ever do, embarrassment of living with my parents at my age and older will stop me from ever moving forward again... I find that to be a terrifying thought.
I'm considering going back into counselling, but I don't know if it will help. Much of my therapy before was about getting out and repeating this pattern. But I took my dog out every day (unless I was really anxious), and there are still times after all these years where I'll stand in front of the door, take deep breathes and force myself to go out. It's not even to a busy place, most of the time there's no one else there... although I do have to walk by a busy street before I get there.
I guess the point of my post is to explain a little bit about my situation (the rock and the hard place), and get some feedback from people who've not managed to beat it after so many years. I can barely imagine how it's possible to live with this well into adult life. So how do you cope with day to day living?
After going through counselling, and subsequently getting lost in the bureaucracy of it all (counsellor left and I was never given proper direction on how to continue), I forced myself back into a college course I took before. It was mainly fear driven, I could feel myself ageing and just not doing anything, and that scared me into action. I didn't feel as if I was cured, and there were plenty of awkward moments, but I took pride in at least thinking my life was moving forward in positive steps. I still wasn't going out to socialise, but I felt a part of the world at least. I was still living at home, my sanctuary, so I had a place to escape to.
College finished, got good grades and I decided to go to university. Partly because I felt it would be enjoyable to learn the subject, but also because I was afraid of trying to find a job (God knows how I'm going to explain my lack of jobs over the years, how do you do it)?
At least following the education route, there's less pressure on me to do things I'm uncomfortable with.
Anyway I'm in university now, but I failed my first year. It's been difficult living away from home. I ended up confining myself to the little room I had on campus for the last 3 weeks... not easy to explain it away to friends but you learn to be a good liar under these constant circumstances I suppose. I found the taught subject difficult to learn and I'm not good at asking for help, depression kind of built up and it all just spiralled out of control, I've begun to doubt if I even enjoy the subject, or whether my anxiety is just blocking me from feeling any joy in it.
I feel like I've got no one to turn to here, they don't know about my past and I can't trust them to understand or treat me the same afterward. It's difficult to chat to my parents because I know they'll be disappointed, and afraid I'm regressing.
I'm afraid I'll fail again, and I've no idea where I'll turn to. My parents were so pleased I was starting to make my own way in the world but I feel like I'm ready to fall back into the abyss, and I don't know what will happen to my mental state if that happens.
I have good days (some really good days), and some really bad days. I sometimes wonder how on earth I will manage to hold down a job with this constant pendulum of thoughts and feelings. But then it hits me. Some people are entirely house bound, so how do you live? Do you live with your parents still or are you on your own, how do you get things in to eat, earn money etc?
I can't fathom going back to the way I was, and I know if I ever do, embarrassment of living with my parents at my age and older will stop me from ever moving forward again... I find that to be a terrifying thought.
I'm considering going back into counselling, but I don't know if it will help. Much of my therapy before was about getting out and repeating this pattern. But I took my dog out every day (unless I was really anxious), and there are still times after all these years where I'll stand in front of the door, take deep breathes and force myself to go out. It's not even to a busy place, most of the time there's no one else there... although I do have to walk by a busy street before I get there.
I guess the point of my post is to explain a little bit about my situation (the rock and the hard place), and get some feedback from people who've not managed to beat it after so many years. I can barely imagine how it's possible to live with this well into adult life. So how do you cope with day to day living?