House Share issues

[Froggy246]

I'm going to put this thread on here because I've just signed a contract for 9 months in a house share and I predict I may need a place to air all the odd (for non SA people) anxieties which may present themselves.

My main worries are:-

• The initial phase where people try to get to know you, but being insanely nervous, unable to get any decent sentences out, and avoiding everyone as much as possible.
• Using the communal kitchen when other people are using it at the same time.
• And this is a rather silly one, but I can't get the scenario out of my head! Seeing one of the house mates in the corridor or something and saying hello, but then seeing them a couple of minutes later in another room or in the same corridor, do I say hi again? Or acknowledge them again at all? And what happens if there is a third or forth time, which is very possible!?

I would be interested to hear other peoples' experiences with house shares, and especially hear from anyone out there with SA type symptoms who has cracked house share related anxieties, and how?

 

[Flanscho]

I shared a flat with three people for a decade. I guess the question is why you share the house. Some people do it only because of the money, and having no interest in the roomates whatsoever. In that case, there is no reason to spend more time than necessary with them or telling them anything. They are strangers and will stay strangers.

Other people however share a flat and want to get to know the roommates, like becoming some sort of replacement family over time, or good friends. That's what we had.

It also depends how you got that place. Like, I'm used here in Germany that people who share a flat or house and look for roommates invite them for an interview of some sorts to see if they fit in. In that case you already know them a bit, and have an impression on what kind of people they are. If they seem nice, and you people live there because you want to and get to knwo each other, then you should sooner or later tell more and more about yourselves. Like, one guy I lived there with had a shizoid personality disorder, but the two other girls were pretty normal.

At first I was very nervous too, about sharing the kitchen and whatnot, but over time it got better. Especially when we were cooking together and whatnot, and talking about this and that and so on. Of course, tat only works if you people roughly fit together.

About the greeting: I can only tell you what's normal in Germany, in the social class and subcultures I'm home. If you meet a roommate, greet that person. If you meet them again within the next half an hour or though I normally wouldn't greet them again, unless they'd greet me first. But a couple of hours later I'd greet them again.

All in all, it works pretty well for me. When I moved into that flat, 400km away from my family, my SA was very strong and I could barely participate in anything. When I moved out last year, things were much much better. It wasn't alway easy. Sometimes I was annoyed by suddenly having strangers (friends of roommates) in the kitchen while I was cooking stuff or whatever, but such things happen and you won't die of it either.

I think that sharing a flat/house is one of the best ways to work on SA.

 

[spider04]

It also depends how you got that place. Like, I'm used here in Germany that people who share a flat or house and look for roommates invite them for an interview of some sorts to see if they fit in. In that case you already know them a bit, and have an impression on what kind of people they are

Did you have to do something like this?

 

[Flanscho]

Did you have to do something like this?

Yep. They wouldn't want someone to move in whom they haven't seen before. I didn't know any of them, though some of them were friends of my partner at that time, who told me that they were really nice people. I don't quite remember the interview, it's like 11 years ago, but I was so nervous that they thought at first that I was on drugs or something.

 

[Froggy246]

Yep. They wouldn't want someone to move in whom they haven't seen before. I didn't know any of them, though some of them were friends of my partner at that time, who told me that they were really nice people. I don't quite remember the interview, it's like 11 years ago, but I was so nervous that they thought at first that I was on drugs or something.

Haha funny. Well that was very helpful Flanscho thanks, very positive, that's true that I'm not at risk of dying in these circumstances, and perhaps I could use it to work on my SA. I never had an interview, the person who owned the house showed me round, and I never met any of the other house mates so I don't know if we will all 'fit'. You're right that there are two types of house mates, those that want the social aspect and those that just need a cheap place to live, I'm of the latter, I suppose my worry is that all of the other house mates will be of the former, and might resent me or something for not joining in.

 

[jaim38]

I've lived in a dorm before and had similar concerns.

[*]The initial phase where people try to get to know you, but being insanely nervous, unable to get any decent sentences out, and avoiding everyone as much as possible

What I did is I avoid people. I set out a schedule to make sure I go out in the morning and come home real late, everyday. My dormmates were avoiding me too so having a consistent schedule every week makes it easier for both sides. I also have a peek hole outside of my door. Before I venture outside for any purpose, I listen near the door and peek out. If I'm pretty sure the coast is clear, I go.

[*]Using the communal kitchen when other people are using it at the same time.

I'd never done that.

[*]And this is a rather silly one, but I can't get the scenario out of my head! Seeing one of the house mates in the corridor or something and saying hello, but then seeing them a couple of minutes later in another room or in the same corridor, do I say hi again? Or acknowledge them again at all? And what happens if there is a third or forth time, which is very possible!?

Not sure about this one, but Flanscho had some good advice. If it were me, I'd avoid it. I would lean against the door and if I don't hear any footsteps outside, I'd go out.

I notice that people don't greet me twice. When I meet my teacher at school, we say hi the first time around, but when we meet each other again, the teacher doesn't say hi again.

 

[Froggy246]

Brilliant Jaim, brilliant tips if the avoidance road becomes the best option! I hope I have a peep hole, that would surly help! :lol:

 

[Raichel]

[*]Using the communal kitchen when other people are using it at the same time.

Do you mean when cooking or just for grabbing a snack/washing hands/etc.?

I remember my brother had one of those mini fridges in his bedroom when he used to live in a shared student apartment. He got it because he couldn't stand it when his roommates would eat from the food he bought(at the time he was really into healthy eating, and he'd get pissed when all that was left were frozen pizzas and bottles of coke) Apart from safekeeping your carefully selected vegetables I guess it might also come in handy when you're feeling hungry late at night and don't feel like getting out of your room to get something to eat. Or whenever you don't feel like being around people/being seen.

 

[1139]

i cant imagine sharing a house with strangers and not actually becoming friends with them. You should either be friends with them or not live there, srsly. Guess it would be different if you spend no time there at all and are out every day n night, but most people aren't. I guess they could either become your new best friends or worst enemies couldn't they. I would try my hardest to avoid the latter.

 

[Richey]

Personally I don't like it. I certainly wouldn't do it without an ensuite bathroom attached to a room. No way am I sharing a bathroom.

As for the kitchen, unless you become best friends with another renter then you won't get much peace or chance to cook your own meal.

personally I wouldn't do it. Much prefer my own place. Even if it's small.

I certainly wouldn't recommend it to people who like their own space.

 

[Zod]

I live in a shared housing, I've certainly had a fair deal of problems with it because like most here, I'm a pretty private person and need my alone time. When in a bad mood, I don't like it when there are semi-strangers around me. But in the end I guess the best thing is to remain friendly with everyone and to try and make appearances. Don't lock yourself in your room too much, trying to avoid everyone, it will only make you unhappy and create further awkwardness. Push yourself a bit to mingle with them, you don't have to be best friends. Also, stop worrying about scenario's and take it moment by moment.

 

[Froggy246]

Do you mean when cooking or just for grabbing a snack/washing hands/etc.?

Yea either really, just knowing what to say to fill the space and having the capacity to do so, whatever the time frame, but yes I think I will get a mini fridge for those times when I just don't have the strength, I can make my room into a kind of hotel room.

i cant imagine sharing a house with strangers and not actually becoming friends with them. You should either be friends with them or not live there, srsly. Guess it would be different if you spend no time there at all and are out every day n night, but most people aren't. I guess they could either become your new best friends or worst enemies couldn't they. I would try my hardest to avoid the latter.

personally I wouldn't do it. Much prefer my own place. Even if it's small.

I certainly wouldn't recommend it to people who like their own space.

Yea maybe you need to be a certain type of person to do a houseshare, I always resent adverts that specify a requirement to be a sociable house mate, but maybe it just won't work otherwise, for both parties.

I live in a shared housing, I've certainly had a fair deal of problems with it because like most here, I'm a pretty private person and need my alone time. When in a bad mood, I don't like it when there are semi-strangers around me. But in the end I guess the best thing is to remain friendly with everyone and to try and make appearances. Don't lock yourself in your room too much, trying to avoid everyone, it will only make you unhappy and create further awkwardness. Push yourself a bit to mingle with them, you don't have to be best friends. Also, stop worrying about scenario's and take it moment by moment.

Good advice! I will try my best.

 

[spider04]

I just discovered another "House Share Issue/Student Rooms Issue" That I may have a problem with, a roommate inviting his friends here and they talk so loud in the kitchen, my room is close next to the kitchen!

 

[Slytherin88]

I live in London with 3 other girls i had never met previously. We share a bathroom and kitchen.
We all get on, and there's no issue housework /cleaning wise but I get what you mean about awkwardness. I like them as people but I need not to hang around with them, etc, I will try and get home earlier then them so I can cook my dinner and shower and get into my room without seeing them, therefore not having to talk to them and be awkward. It is more awkward when they bring up my solitude, they don't really understand my SP (rather know about it) especially given my profession.
I suppose it come down to money. If I had it, I'd live by myself, but the UK pays shit so I have to board.

 

[xDreamseller]

I lived in student accommodation last year at Uni. 11 complete strangers co-ed sharing a kitchen. Never again.

I was lucky and all the other students I was able to get along with, but there was always at least 1 other person in the kitchen. At nights, they usually had a lot of friends over in the kitchen, so either I had to sit in my room or go in, greet everyone sit and talk for ages, just to get a drink.

Sharing with 2-3 other people might be better though, you could get to know them better and there wouldn't be random people over every night of the week.

Good luck with it if you do decide to go for it. Shame there isn't some "SA Only Dorm". That would be an awesome place to live.

 

[Flanscho]

Shame there isn't some "SA Only Dorm". That would be an awesome place to live.

It would probably make the SA of people there even worse.

 

[Froggy246]

It would probably make the SA of people there even worse.

Yea I wonder what that would be like?! I actually put a post on SAUK to see if anyone was looking to houseshare in my area as I thought it might work if we understood each other, and didn't misinterpret certain behaviors. I don't know, would be interesting to find out... didn't get any responses though.

 

[xDreamseller]

I thought it might work if we understood each other, and didn't misinterpret certain behaviors.

Thats what I was thinking too. Or it may go horrible wrong

 

[Froggy246]

I have moved into the house share now, it's quite terrifying, it doesn't help that I'm the only female amongst 4 other boys who all seem very confident and already bonded. I'm finding my self tip toeing around and listening at the door already! I think I have over shot on this occasion. I've not slept there yet, just got all my stuff in so far and cleaned up the room etc, I'm not sure I can muster the courage to use the kitchen at all, I might just have to get sandwhiches on the way home from work or something. Terrible attitude I know but I can't seem to get the courage to break the ice, I'm now paranoid that I will make them all uncomfortable every time they see me about because I've been avoiding them all. mg:

 

[Richey]

I have moved into the house share now, it's quite terrifying, it doesn't help that I'm the only female amongst 4 other boys who all seem very confident and already bonded. I'm finding my self tip toeing around and listening at the door already! I think I have over shot on this occasion. I've not slept there yet, just got all my stuff in so far and cleaned up the room etc, I'm not sure I can muster the courage to use the kitchen at all, I might just have to get sandwhiches on the way home from work or something. Terrible attitude I know but I can't seem to get the courage to break the ice, I'm now paranoid that I will make them all uncomfortable every time they see me about because I've been avoiding them all. mg:

Froggy,

I also found it difficult to use the kitchen, if it was occupied, but the kitchen will be free at certain times of the day or night to use.

I'm sure the people in the house will be understanding. I even remember one renter who would tell everyone that he likes privacy so he can study. So it's not that big a deal, as long as you say Hi to them or ask them about their day when you do see them. You could even say that you stay in your room because you are studying hard this year. Something like that.

I was lucky that I moved in with 5 other mild mannered and geeky people that liked their independence. You could have a chat with them whilst cooking, but everyone just stayed in their room and set up their own mini apartment within their rooms. One guy had a microwave and a mini fridge set up and bench.

It was hard enough doing that, so I can't imagine what living with a clique of people is like. That would be difficult.

So what did I learn from that experience that I can recommend to you.

In the future I would always get a room with an ensuite/shower/toilet attached. You pay a bit extra, but at least you get a private bathroom which you can also use to fill up your kettle or make boiled meals. So a mini pantry, perhaps a small ice box for cold drinks.

That way you don't always have to go into the kitchen if you don't feel up to it. you then have a choice.

You can also use temporary sound proofing walls, if you needed to. I just listen to an ipod a lot, to make me look busy and to block out noise.

Good luck, it's not easy.

You could also join some places that takes you out of the house, so maybe a gym, night classes, sport, musical instrument, movie club. Something that takes you away from always being in the house, which can be an isolating experience.

You could also just try and chat with them and try to feel relaxed, you can't control what they do or say, but you can still enjoy the house and have a chat, even if it's a short conversation, just so that you are seen as friendly enough.