Hopping along - Hoppy's journal

[Hoppy]

I thought for a while I should keep a bit of a journal. I've tried the blogging bit but it just isn't me, so I am going to post stuff on here instead of keeping it all in my head, where it really belongs.

A little bit of background. I'm South African, 41 years old, self-employed, basically bankrupt but keeping afloat, male, 1.80 meters, fat, and I've got social phobia, depression and a bit of obsessive compulsive disorder.

This is all about me, I'm not going to discuss the family and their issues. I've got basically no friends, the only two people I've got a bit of contact with I don't have anything to say to really. The male one I knew from school, he is bipolar and gay, and the female one I found online, and has got even more issues than I do.

The only family member I tried to cultivate as a friend, manage to upset me to the point last year that I've decided to treat her the way she treat me.

The past year has been bad, I strangely enough didn't go suicidal, and I've decided to start doing something, that includes studying (Financial Management) and getting a new business of the ground at the same time.

I've started doing 30 day challenges as well, my first was teaching myself proper touch typing at Typingweb and my typing skills has increased very much. I'm now busy with the Thing-a-day challenge where I have to make something creative for every day of February.

And as you can see, posting all sorts of images I found on my travels around the internet.

 

[Phoenixx]

Sounds like you're already making pretty good progress, especially partaking in those little challenges. Nice to hear you're studying and trying to get a business started. How is that going?

You're doing great! Keep it up!

 

[Hoppy]

I really like this blog, Natalie have a lot of common sense.

Who is the designated expert on you?

 

[Hoppy]

Not something to read while you're depressed, but something I can relate to.

From Washington Post. You have to register to be able to read it all.

Some people never found the love of their lives and live to tell about it.

 

[Hoppy]

I now have a new problem.

"Plantar fasciitis is inflammation of the thick tissue on the bottom of the foot. This tissue is called the plantar fascia. It connects the heel bone to the toes and creates the arch of the foot."

I am really not impressed with it, considering that rest is one of the treatments and I just cannot take the time off.

Correction, in case anybody think I am important. It is just too difficult for me to convince people that I need the time off. So I suffer a lot, use ice and drink pills and hope for the best.

But I'm getting on with my thing-a-day. I have now done 20 days and only nine to go, and are looking forward to taking a bit of time of in March. I will post a link to everything I have done when it is finished.

And I have been wasting a lot of time playing this game:

Bike Champ

It is possible to complete all levels on Pro, I've now done it three times.

 

[Hoppy]

I finally scraped together the courage last Friday to phone a helpline. I was desperately trying to get someone to talk to, but the woman on the other side was not very helpful.

She went throught the normal mantra of "you should do this". She said that I should do certain things, and I probably should, but the damage that would be caused by doing it would outweigh the benefits completely so now I'm confused again.

So now I'm not sure what to do next. Oh well, SNAFU.

 

[Hoppy]

12 Demons You Need To Defeat

(lifted without apology from men's health)
Whether you throw a temper tantrum or accept them with good grace, these 12 things are going to happen. Deal with it



Her sexual past
As long as she didn’t pick up anything communicable, think of it this way: you’re the benefi ciary of years of practice.

Your Parents’ Fallibility
Your therapist is tired of hearing about the forced French horn lessons. Get over it, will you?

Your Own Fallibility
Sometimes sucking at something but going ahead and doing it anyway is fun (think dancing).

The Knowledge That Life Has More Violent Swings Than A Bout With Mike Tyson
Denying it only makes it worse. Right, Mike?

That Rival/Ex-girlfriend/Ex-boss whom You Still Resent
They don’t deserve that level of devotion from you, do they?

Your Lousy Childhood
If you had lived in 1650, you’d have had a one-in-three chance of making it to 18. Being roped in to help out with the family hardware business from 16 was a privilege.

Your Neighbour’s Birthday Party
It’s kind of like being back at the plaas: you’re forced to eat boerewors and talk to boring people who are always moaning about the crime. But attending creates a peaceful border. Suck it up.

Monday morning
Nothing makes for a killer Friday like a superproductive Monday.

Your Rock-Star Fantasy
You know what comes with groupies? Herpes.

Your Girlfriend’s “Flaw”
Give her a break. She endures your quirks, maybe even indulges them. Return the favour, andthrow in a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes while you’re at it.

The Daily Grind
Defend your priorities with a firm hand, and other people will stop setting them for you.

Mortality
Men stare death in the face with terror, bravery, incomprehension, loathing and honour, but we all still bite the dust. You will, too. Until then, go ahead and plan your next adventure holiday.

 

[coyote]

what's a "boerewor?"

 

[Aletheia]

She went throught the normal mantra of "you should do this".

Kudos to you for calling. I've never had the courage to do that.

If you need someone to talk to who won't tell you "you should do this", you could try Samaritans (if they operate in South Africa). I used to volunteer there taking calls, and we were under strict instructions not to give advice; we were there to listen.

 

[Aletheia]

Btw: you're posting some pretty cool stuff in here.

 

[Hoppy]

Susan Cain : The power of introverts.

 

[Hoppy]

Coyote : Boerewors is a South African sausage, it even got it's own wikipedia entry.

Aletheia : Monica Dickens wrote a book (fiction, 1970) on the Samaritans called "The Listeners".

I've never read it even though it is in the house so last night I wanted something to read and I decided to read it. It is not a good read for a depressed person at midnight.

So here is 3 quotes from the book, the italics is mine.

"No problem", he went on, "can be solved completely. Buy if there is love, you see, each problem can be tackled and dealt with, perhaps in some ramshackle way that is better than nothing. Better than going under. We can't run people's lives for them. But we can try to put them in the way of doing it a bit better themselves. We try to to give them back themselves. By being here. By paying attention. By listening."

"People who don't fit in anywhere. Who won't go along with the master plan. They are drifters, rejects. They can't cope. They have nowhere to go and no one to love and no one who will listen to them anymore - if they ever did.
Some of them have been like this since they were children. Some of them started out quite promisingly and then gradually everything went wrong. They are lonely beacause they are not very acceptable, and the more they are alone, the less acceptable they become. A visious circle, sometimes subconciously deliberate to back up their slogan: Nobody loves me."

"It comes about that life has no place for these people. They drop out of school, out of college, of jobs, of social groups, of marriage, of anything that emphasizes there own inadequacy. They don't like their lives, or themselves. They are confused, rejected lost. They will end their lives. Why not? You can't live if you don't like yourself. You can't love anyone unless you can love yourself first. So if you hate yourself and your life and you have nobody to turn to - absolutely nobody, consider that- you kill yourself. That isn't the answer, but it seems like the only answer, when the world has left you for dead."

 

[Hoppy]

And sometimes it feels like this. No matter how hard we practice, the next step turns out to be extremely difficult.

My foot is still giving trouble. So now I'm going to see a physiotherapist for it. I've met her before, and have always had a bit of a crush on her so the visits is very much a pleasure. I even manage to have keep some sort of conversation running.

 

[Hoppy]

Brené Brown: Listening to shame - YouTube

 

[Hoppy]

I been working this weekend and thinking a lot, and to be honest, thinking a lot more than working.

And as my mind was churning along I came up with the following, and I think it is something that I can stick too.

To be a friend of mine I must:
1. Know your name
2. Know where you live
3. Have been invited by you to visit or do something.

To be a good friend you must:
4. allow me on occasions to read on a Sunday.

It says a lot about my family and I that 1. is not very regular, 2. is very scarce and 3. in my entire adult life have been done for me by only 2 people. I will start believing in God if 4. happens.

I'm already starting to agonise about how they are going to mess up my birthday and that is only in September.

One of the interesting manifestations of my depression is that I know it is extremely bad if I start watching porn. When I'm okay I never watch porn. So this past week has been very bad, and I have to start working on that again.

And my PC crashed this week, fortunately the problem was easily fixed by the professionals.

And my foot is OK now, still a bit stiff, but not painful.

And something that I wish I could be working on.

 

[Hoppy]

Hell yeah! or no

Hell, why not?

 

[Hoppy]

I've always disliked talking on a telephone, and always have to repeat myself, reaching a point where my stomach contracts every time a phone rings. So last friday I went to see a speech therapist.

We did an assesment and she said she couldn't hear anything obviously wrong with my voice, except that it is very low. I'm seriously considering going for voice training classes, just 2 problems, time and money.

And then I went to watch The Artist, and after the movie saw a pretty single girl walking in the mall. Now this is very scarce, so had an enjoyable time stalking her through a bookshop and a coffee shop, losing her, and finding her again, desperately trying not too be too obvious. In the end did try to make some eye contact with her but she looked away, so free advice to any woman out there, look at the poor men around you, we do need some encouragement.

Anyway it wouldn't have worked, she was carrying a Louis Vuitton handbag and wearing a Versace top and I was wearing my cheap Mr Price shirt. That is my excuse anyway and I'm sticking to it.

 

[Hoppy]

 

[Hoppy]

After a few threads during the past few weeks on friends I found this interesting. It is about being friends with your ex but also can be brought to ordinary friendships.

Friendship is a relationship between friends

 

[Hoppy]

Point to Ponder (from Washington Post/Carolyn Hax)

I struggled with a mother who was negative about everything I did. With therapy — and prayer — I learned to handle my anger, frustration and sadness at having a mother with whom I could share little. Over time, I realized that the “hurt” she showed when finding out at the last minute, or after the fact, about events in my life was a form of manipulation. Until her death, I remained a dutiful but distant daughter.

Some of the last words she said to me on her deathbed were, “I don’t think I was a very good mother.” At that instant, I saw that she had known all along of her shortcomings. Her insecurities and criticisms had kept us from having the close mother-daughter relationship we both wanted. Thank heavens I had the presence of mind to squeeze her hand and say, “You were the best mother ever.”