help with shy girl in class [very long ]

[Why]

OK, i have to vent. these thoughts been going through my mind for the last couple hours.

So Im in this one art class, it meets 2x a week for 3 hours each.

In this art class, ive been tryin to be more social because 1. im trying to change myself to be more social obviously ( i suffer from mild social anx/ and shyness) 2. there are alot more girls than guys in this class

Anyways, since the beginning this one shy girl caught my eye.
However she is painfully shy. English is also not her native language so keep this in mind.

ANyways the past few weeks, Ive somewhat approached her, just saying hi and asking the usual questions college kids ask each other (where u from, what major etc)

However her answers are usually very short and sometimes when i try to ask a funny question or something, she makes this cute laugh/noise instead of actually answering.

There is this connection i feel with her though, throughout class we sometimes glance at each other and she gives me a bright eyed sincere smile that just makes me weak to the knees. I'd think if she was so shy, she would avoid eye contact like so many other girls. However. she rarely rarely initiates conversations, i usually start and she replies with a quick answer (could this be the language barrier? shes scared that her accent/lack of fluency is embarassing?)


anyways about a week ago, i asked her for a favor (share lockers so i dont have to buy a lock) and after that i distinctly said "thanks, ill buy u coffee or something" (my way of initiating a "date")

she replied with the usual shy reply "no problem, its ok u dont have to"

fine, i sorta expected that.

a week or so goes by, some general chatting and smile exchanges.

Today, i finally summoned the courage to brg it up again "so when do u want that coffee?"

once again she says "oh its ok"

at this pt i sorta jumble with my words and ask "u sure?".... "no?"

she acts confused and then some girl walks into our area so i sadly turn back to my work and act depressed the rest of class.

after the end of class, its only me and her cleanin up ironically and im sorta dejected and dont say anything. she actually intiates light conversation askin bout class and i give a short reply. Gettin the courage to ask her for coffee again drained my energy. i say bye and abruptly leave.

one more thing, could me talkin to other girls in class somewhat turn her off? ive been trying to make small chat with other girls to increase my confidence/social behaviors but im not interested in any except her. I hope she sees that i get out of my way to talk to her only while the other girls are just in the moment type.

now my question is to you guys:

do you think she is intereted or not in giong out for coffee? but is saying i dont have to pay for her? i assumed that but i thought asking the 2nd time would convince her to say yes. I thought about saying "oh you can pay for urself then" but that seems lame and somewhat rude lol.

what do you guys think i should approach this? For some reason, i cant get her off my mind. I think it's because im attracted to shy girls (being shy myself) and its so rare to see a shy AND attractive girl.


I was thinking though to try to suggest getting a bite after class to eat, and defintely not mention the free coffee or me paying anymore. But Im afraid that she is so damn shy, i wont get a direct response for her and end up looking liek a desperate fool. I definitely dont want to scare her off.

yeah basically after that class, i was pissed at myself for not being smooth in talking to her. I really should have shown that i wanted to have coffee with her, and no pressure in who is paying.

to top it off, the stupid bus driver somehow didnt see me waving as he passed me... had to wait 15more minutes for next one

thanks for reading, gonna go take out frustration by liftin weights

 

[DanFC]

Ah I've been in your situation before, almost exactly the same thing.

You do have reason to believe that she's interested in you but can't communicate it due to the language barrier and shyness, but let me tell you my story first...

There was this girl who was really shy who I was friends with for some years. I liked her to the point that I couldn't stop thinking about her, so I tried to be like freakin' Wile E. Cayote with all of these crazy plans for her to pay attention to me.

I thought these things didn't work, so I finally mustered up the courage and for the first (and last) time in my life, I went straight up to her and asked her how she felt about me and told her how I felt about her.

It ended up that she knew I liked her but she just felt bad to tell me anything before, I just confused this politeness for shyness/possibly liking me.

Despite my rejection, I'm glad I asked her though, because after that I at least got her out of my mind (well, after the proper depressed time).



So, I guess I'm just trying to tell you not to assume she is just shy. My best advice is to be more direct and not to sideline this. Besides, I've known girls who've told me they waited for the guy to make an assertive move but he never did, so they just moved on (granted, these weren't the kinds of girls I would have ever wanted a relationship with, they were superficial).

Whatever happens, best of luck to you.

 

[oui]

I know a Korean chick, hardly knows english. She was very shy with me at first, and I'm not even a guy. She'd ask me really short questions about math, and I'd help her out. Casual stuff. We got on first name basis, but she was very shy still. She wouldn't say more than what's necessary. We started working in groups more, and she began speaking more openly. Now we just talk about random things. I even help her with English. We make jokes. She teaches me bad words in Korean. XD But our relationship was built on completing a task, a math question, which gave her time to build confidence about her English.

I don't think you should ask her to do something where all the attention is on her, especially when it's something like getting coffee, in which case, all energy would be going towards talking, and she would be extremely self-conscious about speaking properly, and understanding what you're saying. Not to mention she probably gets a lot of crap from people about being foreign to the land, which probably makes her feel alienated, and scared about speaking in such strong accent.

She's initiating conversation with you! She likes you! She just doesn't want that attention of a formal date. She's not confident enough. You need to talk back to her, in a non-threatening environment. Coffee is too direct. When cleaning, I'm sure she feels less pressure, which is why she speaks. This is definitely a language barrier.

Think about it! You're in Japan, and only know a little bit of Japanese. Some hot chick comes up to you, and asks to go out for coffee. Would you accept? I wouldn't. What would I talk about? My Japanese is limited to greetings and mundane tasks. What if I didn't understand what they were saying? They'd think I was an idiot! They might make fun of me or something. But if I worked with someone for a period of time, and got used to being with them, I'd feel more comfortable being alone with that person.
Best of luck!

 

[Why]

Ah I've been in your situation before, almost exactly the same thing.

You do have reason to believe that she's interested in you but can't communicate it due to the language barrier and shyness, but let me tell you my story first...

There was this girl who was really shy who I was friends with for some years. I liked her to the point that I couldn't stop thinking about her, so I tried to be like freakin' Wile E. Cayote with all of these crazy plans for her to pay attention to me.

I thought these things didn't work, so I finally mustered up the courage and for the first (and last) time in my life, I went straight up to her and asked her how she felt about me and told her how I felt about her.

It ended up that she knew I liked her but she just felt bad to tell me anything before, I just confused this politeness for shyness/possibly liking me.

Despite my rejection, I'm glad I asked her though, because after that I at least got her out of my mind (well, after the proper depressed time).



So, I guess I'm just trying to tell you not to assume she is just shy. My best advice is to be more direct and not to sideline this. Besides, I've known girls who've told me they waited for the guy to make an assertive move but he never did, so they just moved on (granted, these weren't the kinds of girls I would have ever wanted a relationship with, they were superficial).

Whatever happens, best of luck to you.

yea thats what im scared of.. but isnt suggesting free coffee for her favor direct enough, to at least get to know each other more? then my fear is that her "its ok" response means she isnt interested in hanging out but ive just never seen the type of smiles she gives me and im sure she doesnt really talk to any1 else in class or give those looks.

sigh

 

[DanFC]

Since that one experience I've shared, there have been other similar occasions. But that one time messed me up to the extent that I've been scared since to show any affection to the opposite gender, so I've never taken the leap. And each time afterwards I've been so miserable.

So... don't be like me and just go for it And the coffee thing was what I was referring to before, very much like these schemes I had to get the girl in my previous situation to notice I liked her. However, I really can't offer you advice on how to tread the line between stupidly scheming and beautifully enchanting, I always ended up making a fool of myself. Whatever you do though, I really suggest you don't turn and run, metaphorically speaking, it kind of haunts you wondering "what if?"

 

[Why]

Since that one experience I've shared, there have been other similar occasions. But that one time messed me up to the extent that I've been scared since to show any affection to the opposite gender, so I've never taken the leap. And each time afterwards I've been so miserable.

So... don't be like me and just go for it And the coffee thing was what I was referring to before, very much like these schemes I had to get the girl in my previous situation to notice I liked her. However, I really can't offer you advice on how to tread the line between stupidly scheming and beautifully enchanting, I always ended up making a fool of myself. Whatever you do though, I really suggest you don't turn and run, metaphorically speaking, it kind of haunts you wondering "what if?"

my life at this point has pretty much been "what if" missed out on way 2 much, so i think ill keep hinting to her that i want to spend time outside of class but not "rush" it since shes so timid

 

[DanFC]

Sounds good, and I really wish the best of luck to you.

 

[Newtype]

Read this. When I was in college, there was a shy girl in my English classes. I watched her for a while and realized that she was always alone. Alone at break, alone at lunch and alone in class. One day, I gathered all of my courage and sat in front of her and talked to her. However, having SA, having a conversation is impossible for me, so our conversation was full of awkward moments. I felt really bad, but anyway, I still talked to her every time I saw her. I wanted to take things slowly and I thought that she liked me too. Then, we talk on a monday and she tells me her weekend and says that she got a job and made a boyfriend there. That confused me a lot... And she said it so easily. I was hurt of course and I had to stop talking to her after that because it was just too weird.

Moral of the story: I'm not implying your girl will do what my girl did, but you might wanna make sure that won't happen to you. My word to you is: If you really, really wanna be with this girl because you honestly feel something for her and not because you're lonely, then be direct with her and tell her what you want. Sit her down and tell her everything. Invite her to a coffee or whatever, but be clear about it. Try to establish something solid with her. Don't put pressure on yourself. Just talking to her like you're doing right now is not gonna get you anywhere and it's gonna create a rift between you and her. Surely you must see that. If there is truly a language barrier and it doesn't bother you, then use that as an advantage. It's your chance to be cute with her. Use sign language and smile, a smile is universal. Don't forget that if she talks with you, she'll be better in English and she'll associate something that makes her happy with you. Good luck!

 

[DanFC]

Read this. When I was in college, there was a shy girl in my English classes. I watched her for a while and realized that she was always alone. Alone at break, alone at lunch and alone in class. One day, I gathered all of my courage and sat in front of her and talked to her. However, having SA, having a conversation is impossible for me, so our conversation was full of awkward moments. I felt really bad, but anyway, I still talked to her every time I saw her. I wanted to take things slowly and I thought that she liked me too. Then, we talk on a monday and she tells me her weekend and says that she got a job and made a boyfriend there. That confused me a lot... And she said it so easily. I was hurt of course and I had to stop talking to her after that because it was just too weird.

Moral of the story: I'm not implying your girl will do what my girl did, but you might wanna make sure that won't happen to you. My word to you is: If you really, really wanna be with this girl because you honestly feel something for her and not because you're lonely, then be direct with her and tell her what you want. Sit her down and tell her everything. Invite her to a coffee or whatever, but be clear about it. Try to establish something solid with her. Don't put pressure on yourself. Just talking to her like you're doing right now is not gonna get you anywhere and it's gonna create a rift between you and her. Surely you must see that. If there is truly a language barrier and it doesn't bother you, then use that as an advantage. It's your chance to be cute with her. Use sign language and smile, a smile is universal. Don't forget that if she talks with you, she'll be better in English and she'll associate something that makes her happy with you. Good luck!

This is what I wish I could have said.

 

[lunarla]

its so rare to see a shy AND attractive girl.

That's flattering (not a serious mad face)

Anyway, I think that what you were thinking about her being kind of put off by you carrying on conversations with a lot of other girls could definitely be true. When you're shy that just kind of narrows everything down even more. Good luck to you!

 

[Why]

Read this. When I was in college, there was a shy girl in my English classes. I watched her for a while and realized that she was always alone. Alone at break, alone at lunch and alone in class. One day, I gathered all of my courage and sat in front of her and talked to her. However, having SA, having a conversation is impossible for me, so our conversation was full of awkward moments. I felt really bad, but anyway, I still talked to her every time I saw her. I wanted to take things slowly and I thought that she liked me too. Then, we talk on a monday and she tells me her weekend and says that she got a job and made a boyfriend there. That confused me a lot... And she said it so easily. I was hurt of course and I had to stop talking to her after that because it was just too weird.

Moral of the story: I'm not implying your girl will do what my girl did, but you might wanna make sure that won't happen to you. My word to you is: If you really, really wanna be with this girl because you honestly feel something for her and not because you're lonely, then be direct with her and tell her what you want. Sit her down and tell her everything. Invite her to a coffee or whatever, but be clear about it. Try to establish something solid with her. Don't put pressure on yourself. Just talking to her like you're doing right now is not gonna get you anywhere and it's gonna create a rift between you and her. Surely you must see that. If there is truly a language barrier and it doesn't bother you, then use that as an advantage. It's your chance to be cute with her. Use sign language and smile, a smile is universal. Don't forget that if she talks with you, she'll be better in English and she'll associate something that makes her happy with you. Good luck!

i heard somewhere that expressing feelings to a girlt aht fast can be a bad idea??? since they can maniuplate that but i guess only some types of girls would do that.
ive never told a girl i really liked her = = this gonna take guts

 

[agoraphobickatie]

i heard somewhere that expressing feelings to a girlt aht fast can be a bad idea???

that all depends on the girl, i think... BUT, i'm one of those girls where it's a bad idea, i think the safe thing is to always just be light hearted.. especially if the girl is shy, you just want to come off as a breath of fresh air, as someone who doesn't stress her out, someone easy to chat with (even if it's only a few words). ...but yeah, it's just pushy and annoying to me for a guy to be kind of serious really quick, it just kind of screams to me "lack of experience!!" or something, hahaha..

like i said, you just want to be easy going with her... if she's already shy, the thought of going out for coffee or something to eat probably scares her to death! i know it would if it were me! haha.. maybe you guys have somewhere you could sit around campus? a cafeteria or something? maybe you'll get lucky and it'll rain one day (bring your umbrella!!!! haha) and offer a walk to her next class or to her car or something... don't be too pushy or she'll just feel a little stressed, ya know? just understand that if she's terribly shy, it could take some time for her to feel comfortable enough to actually engage in some kind of interaction with you outside of class.. she probably worries she won't say the right thing, or feel dumb or something..

and yeah, i might be a little put off if some guy was trying to talk to me and other girls in the class, too... i might be like "eh.. just another notch on the bedpost" kinda thing.. shy girls probably don't like chatty guys anyway, ya know?

anyway, that's pretty awesome of you to take on the challenge! you trying to converse more and all! i guess just try to make her feel as comfortable as you can, don't push, be easy and laugh with her, laugh at yourself, show her that you're no one to be intimidated by.. best wishes to you!!

 

[Newtype]

i heard somewhere that expressing feelings to a girlt aht fast can be a bad idea??? since they can maniuplate that but i guess only some types of girls would do that.

Sorry, I wasn't clear there. I didn't mean to tell her your feelings just like that, I meant that if you wanna do something with her, don't be all awkward about it. You gotta find a way to make it easy for both of you. What agoraphobickatie said is good. Always be a gentleman.

 

[Why]

Sorry, I wasn't clear there. I didn't mean to tell her your feelings just like that, I meant that if you wanna do something with her, don't be all awkward about it. You gotta find a way to make it easy for both of you. What agoraphobickatie said is good. Always be a gentleman.

so confused ><

see when i read your line here

"f you really, really wanna be with this girl because you honestly feel something for her and not because you're lonely, then be direct with her and tell her what you want. Sit her down and tell her everything."

i thought ok i need to approach her asap and let her know my feelings

but now are u guys suggesting i continue to take it ez and "light hearted" and sorta inch my way into her comfort zone? being a shy guy myself, ive actually come off as "stuck up" and "cold" to some girls that approached me so i know how she sorta feels.

Oui, i think suggests to do this? (the bold part)

 

[Newtype]

They key element here is comfort zone. You need to create the kind of relationship with her where you two feel comfortable being together. Forget what I said about telling her everything. But what I wrote after, you should use to create that comfort zone. I don't think there's anyone who can tell you a magic trick that will fix your problem. In the end, it just comes down to doing or not doing. Being awkward will lead to an awkward ending. Being smart will lead to a happy ending, unless the girl is not interested in you, which would be a shame after all your efforts.

By the way, don't ever leave again without her. Wait for her and walk with her. It will give you a chance to talk with her. Don't ever miss an opportunity to be a gentleman. Women care about those things, seriously!

 

[Iseesky]

Well, I'm going to look at this situation as if I was the shy girl you like...Okay? I might not be anything like her, but it's worth a shot. ::

In my opinion, you seem to be moving fast. Or is that just me? I dunno...If I hadn't been in a class with you for very long/had only just started speaking to you, I'd be uncomfortable going for coffee/lunch in a formal setting. Going out for coffee requires doing a lot of talking. And, when I haven't spoken to you much before, going on a mini date is going to be awkward. I would prefer if you spoke to me during class. I'd want to get to know you better and would like you to get to know me better. Guys who come on too strong aren't good, in my opinion. I like those who are willing to spend the time to get to know me. Because, I'm not going to open up otherwise.

This girl may or may not like you. It's hard to say. You're going to have to become friends with her. I think that's basically vital anyway. Don't look at it as a dating situation (I want to date her!), but a friendship situation (I want to get to know her better and become friends!). She needs to be comfortable around you. Do you know her friends? Does she spend time with them during class? A good way to get me talking is to ask me questions when I'm with my friends. I feel more confident and comfortable with them around. Because, I know if the conversation goes downhill, they'll always throw in something to keep it going. Maybe you could try to talk to her while she's with a group of friends?

Keep talking to her...Small talk. Things you have in common. Things you think she's passionate about. Asking her questions that require long explanations aren't good. Talk about yourself and what you like. Throw in a question about her here and there. Make it seem casual.

 

[Why]

shortened

Well, I wasnt planning on the coffee invite to be a "date" because friends go out to eat with each other u know? I wanted to get a bit closer and talk to her outside of class (what friends do) This is college and every1 goes out to eat with each other if their times match but i guess i shouldnt assume she is comfortable with this.


about friends... i barely know her and didnt know any1 in the art class and neither does she. She only knows 1 other girl in class and that girl has her phone # actually but in class they rarely talk.

I just dont wana be the guy who is always talking in class and distracting others when we need to focus on our art (Lol)

so yeah basically ive been just asking small questions, nothing personal, just trying to get a bit of personality from her but like i stated, she doesnt respond much or sorta makes laughing noises lol.

thanks for the intellectual and thought-out replies guys, if i have any luck i owe it to SPW!

 

[Scrabbl]

Well, I wasnt planning on the coffee invite to be a "date" because friends go out to eat with each other u know? I wanted to get a bit closer and talk to her outside of class (what friends do) This is college and every1 goes out to eat with each other if their times match but i guess i shouldnt assume she is comfortable with this.


about friends... i barely know her and didnt know any1 in the art class and neither does she. She only knows 1 other girl in class and that girl has her phone # actually but in class they rarely talk.

I just dont wana be the guy who is always talking in class and distracting others when we need to focus on our art (Lol)

so yeah basically ive been just asking small questions, nothing personal, just trying to get a bit of personality from her but like i stated, she doesnt respond much or sorta makes laughing noises lol.

thanks for the intellectual and thought-out replies guys, if i have any luck i owe it to SPW!

I just wanna let u know that i'm rooting for ya! I'm in the same boat, kind of.

Also I think it'd be a good idea to ask if she has a boyfriend / is dating anyone. 'Cause if you don't ask, then you might end up wasting all this time and energy becoming her friend only to find out that she's dating someone else, sort of ending up like NewType's situation.

I mean if she's nice she would bring it up. But what if it never comes up uhntil it's too late?

"So have you got a boyfriend?" wouldn't hurt right? I don't think it's too too direct. What do you guys think?

 

[Why]

I just wanna let u know that i'm rooting for ya! I'm in the same boat, kind of.

Also I think it'd be a good idea to ask if she has a boyfriend / is dating anyone. 'Cause if you don't ask, then you might end up wasting all this time and energy becoming her friend only to find out that she's dating someone else, sort of ending up like NewType's situation.

I mean if she's nice she would bring it up. But what if it never comes up uhntil it's too late?

"So have you got a boyfriend?" wouldn't hurt right? I don't think it's too too direct. What do you guys think?

hm i think thats pretty direct LOL especially towards this girl
i mean if a girl asked me if i had a gf, id think she was interested in dating or something. Only when im friends with someone that i will feel normal to be asked about the gf situation.

and even if she has a bf, things wont just go sour. I can still be her friend right? i def. need more female friends

 

[Newtype]

I liked a girl once and didn't know if she had a bf. I didn't wanna ask her directly either 'cause it just sounds weird to me. It's not like you're in a bar picking up a girl. I just played nice guy and talked with her whenever I had the chance, then one day she came to my house, her cell phone rang and she was talking to her boyfriend. That's when I knew. IT PISSED ME OFF!!! I wouldn't have done it differently though.