Good point
Hate being friendly
- Thread starter Etbow23
- Start date
Good point
I wish I could be open with them, I really do. But I just can't bring myself to it. Ditto that on the hopefully can move soon. & w the kitchen space i'm the same way. I cant stand when someone comes in while i'm cooking.
coyote
Well-known member
but people can't read minds
they have no idea what you're like on the inside
you have to demonstrate it
Invisibleman
Well-known member
I hate being friendly to people who dont have the decency to reciprocate and to be honest,not many people in todays society are willing to do that.
gustavofring
Well-known member
Me neither.. I eat in my room most of these days.
I can't stand facing anyone at this time. Mostly because the conversations will be like "How are you/how is your study" .
These social, outgoing, succesful butterflies who go to 5 parties a week and are always active, ask me, a practical recluse, with massive depression, anxiety and sleep problems, with two years delayed study, how I'm doing.... This is why I'm so avoidant of them, but at the same time avoiding them also causes me to feel horrible and like I'm being talked about. Also feel guilt for not being able to be a "good roommate", aside from doing my household chores. It's just not at all a good time for me at all to live with people. It's too painful and embarrassing.
Sigh...
Time to move ouuuut...
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^^^to all the people that just replied
coyote: you're right it's just hard sometimes. Sometimes im afraid to be friendly because a lot of times when i have been, i get taken advantage of or put down. so i guess it's sort of a defense. That sorts of ties into what the second responder wrote (forgot your screen name and decided not to quote :/)
Gustavo-yeah my main issue is that on friday nights, I'm home and they're usually out and they know that I guess. But it is what it is.
My biggest issue right now is the fact that one of them doesn't do any household chores, which I just feel isn't fair. I made a chore list and he hasn't done anything really. I'm afraid to confront him again after a little blowout last week. I literally haven't talked to hims since then (last Sun night).
coyote: you're right it's just hard sometimes. Sometimes im afraid to be friendly because a lot of times when i have been, i get taken advantage of or put down. so i guess it's sort of a defense. That sorts of ties into what the second responder wrote (forgot your screen name and decided not to quote :/)
Gustavo-yeah my main issue is that on friday nights, I'm home and they're usually out and they know that I guess. But it is what it is.
My biggest issue right now is the fact that one of them doesn't do any household chores, which I just feel isn't fair. I made a chore list and he hasn't done anything really. I'm afraid to confront him again after a little blowout last week. I literally haven't talked to hims since then (last Sun night).
gustavofring
Well-known member
Well that's messed up.
I'm not the most tidy fellow myself, but atleast I try to do my part in the household, even though I don't like it.
Maybe (if you don't already have one) you could introduce a system of fines/penalties, we have that here. If we don't do our household task, we get a fine. Make a schedule where every week one of you cleans up. Works pretty well.
And if he doesn't abide that, then tell him you will have to tell whoever owns the house, because this isn't fair to you and the other person.
I'm not the most tidy fellow myself, but atleast I try to do my part in the household, even though I don't like it.
Maybe (if you don't already have one) you could introduce a system of fines/penalties, we have that here. If we don't do our household task, we get a fine. Make a schedule where every week one of you cleans up. Works pretty well.
And if he doesn't abide that, then tell him you will have to tell whoever owns the house, because this isn't fair to you and the other person.
^^
I guess it's a complicated issue. He cleans up after himself for the most part (as in, doesn't really leave crap around) but doesn't use the kitchen as often as the rest of us I guess. I have my mom's dogs here, and it's true they create mess on the floor, but they'll be gone in October.
But I still feel that he should participate in sweeping/cleaning up kitchen weekly/dusting, or taking out garbage (which he's never done once since he's lived here like a month and a half). Last week, the first week I introduced chores, he didn't do his until Saturday night after I reminded him twice (he swept but didn't mop...I guess I didn't show him where all the mop stuff was..but still). The next week, was his week for trash (take out Sun night). I reminded him Sunday night at 11 pm and he texted back saying he was at his parents house 4 hours away and totally forgot. I was in a bad mood and basically responded saying "part of being an adult is doing your things without being reminded 5 times. I dont have time for this [reminding] please remember next time". He responded by saying that was so rude and how he is an adult blah blah, and I said sorry if i offended you.
Since then I haven't spoken to him (basically just avoided the situation), but did post a new chore list that allows people to choose a chore weekly (rather than being assigned one). I wrote by hand "failure to do chore results in $20 rent increase subsequent month" (what you were talking about) I don't know if he saw it, because it's friday and he still hasn't done anything. But I'm afraid to knock on his door and verbally tell him.
I felt that this was the best way because i'm not a maid but i'm not a mother either. i'm very busy and don't have time to remind people constantly. I feel that i should tell him of course before charging him at the end of the month.
Do you think i should text him about it?
I guess it's a complicated issue. He cleans up after himself for the most part (as in, doesn't really leave crap around) but doesn't use the kitchen as often as the rest of us I guess. I have my mom's dogs here, and it's true they create mess on the floor, but they'll be gone in October.
But I still feel that he should participate in sweeping/cleaning up kitchen weekly/dusting, or taking out garbage (which he's never done once since he's lived here like a month and a half). Last week, the first week I introduced chores, he didn't do his until Saturday night after I reminded him twice (he swept but didn't mop...I guess I didn't show him where all the mop stuff was..but still). The next week, was his week for trash (take out Sun night). I reminded him Sunday night at 11 pm and he texted back saying he was at his parents house 4 hours away and totally forgot. I was in a bad mood and basically responded saying "part of being an adult is doing your things without being reminded 5 times. I dont have time for this [reminding] please remember next time". He responded by saying that was so rude and how he is an adult blah blah, and I said sorry if i offended you.
Since then I haven't spoken to him (basically just avoided the situation), but did post a new chore list that allows people to choose a chore weekly (rather than being assigned one). I wrote by hand "failure to do chore results in $20 rent increase subsequent month" (what you were talking about) I don't know if he saw it, because it's friday and he still hasn't done anything. But I'm afraid to knock on his door and verbally tell him.
I felt that this was the best way because i'm not a maid but i'm not a mother either. i'm very busy and don't have time to remind people constantly. I feel that i should tell him of course before charging him at the end of the month.
Do you think i should text him about it?
gustavofring
Well-known member
I have no idea how to go on about such things, but I'd say an email is a good option.
I must say that I myself had a bit of a fallout when I first started living in this house, with one of the girls who wrote an email to me about how I forgot my household task. I wasn't in a very good state of mind because I had big financial problems at the time, so I reacted VERY badly to it. I think these sorts of things can cause unnecessary tension if it's done in a too uptight or condescending fashion, which is how it came across to me at the time. And you never know what's going on in another persons life. Is household task really worth it to cause an awkward/hostile living situation?
Maybe it's good to break the ice a little. Have a beer sometime or something. I know that's pretty hard to accomplish when you don't really like them, and with social anxiety, but I do think it's worth it to be on friendly terms with roommates and not in the "icy cold communication only via angry emails and notes" stage, which is just not pleasant at all.
I must say that I myself had a bit of a fallout when I first started living in this house, with one of the girls who wrote an email to me about how I forgot my household task. I wasn't in a very good state of mind because I had big financial problems at the time, so I reacted VERY badly to it. I think these sorts of things can cause unnecessary tension if it's done in a too uptight or condescending fashion, which is how it came across to me at the time. And you never know what's going on in another persons life. Is household task really worth it to cause an awkward/hostile living situation?
Maybe it's good to break the ice a little. Have a beer sometime or something. I know that's pretty hard to accomplish when you don't really like them, and with social anxiety, but I do think it's worth it to be on friendly terms with roommates and not in the "icy cold communication only via angry emails and notes" stage, which is just not pleasant at all.
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Yeah you're right. I just knocked on his door to sort of let him know (i don't know his e-mail) and it was embarrassing b/c I knew he was there but he wasn't responding b/c he had headphones on. So after I knocked a couple times, I just cracked the door and tapped him on the shoulder (he was listening to something). So embarrassing! I know with my sa I'll be obsessing about that all evening..
Anyways he was nice about it. I told him with the new chore list, you just choose what you want to do and that I didn't want to be bitchy about the whole 20 dollar thing, but i knew i'd have to enforce it and that I felt like that was just the easiest way for me to do it bc I'm busy with homework. I told him i was sorry for coming in, but he wasn't responding lol...I just felt like I needed to say it b/c everyone's always in and out of the house and I never know when I'll have the opportunity to mention it.
You're right though, it's not worth it to ruin the house ambiance for some little spat, but unfortunately it's so often the case . I guess it's because people get resentful and passive aggressive, like me.
All in all, I'm glad I let him know, but I also feel really awkward that I had to come in b/c he had his headphones on...
Anyways he was nice about it. I told him with the new chore list, you just choose what you want to do and that I didn't want to be bitchy about the whole 20 dollar thing, but i knew i'd have to enforce it and that I felt like that was just the easiest way for me to do it bc I'm busy with homework. I told him i was sorry for coming in, but he wasn't responding lol...I just felt like I needed to say it b/c everyone's always in and out of the house and I never know when I'll have the opportunity to mention it.
You're right though, it's not worth it to ruin the house ambiance for some little spat, but unfortunately it's so often the case . I guess it's because people get resentful and passive aggressive, like me.
All in all, I'm glad I let him know, but I also feel really awkward that I had to come in b/c he had his headphones on...
^^lol
Yeah, with sa I feel especially concerned over any negative interaction, which has made the whole thing ten times worse. Sometimes people are surprisingly open to ideas if they're communicated, but it's the not knowing that makes it so anxiety-provoking.
There aren't many chores for the house really, but I guess I just feel better knowing that everyone chips in a bit.
gustavofring
Well-known member
Oh no, it's totally cool and brave that you did it! Better to deal with such things friendly and face to face then stupid emails and notes.
Personally I would hate it if someone just walked into my door though haha, because it's an embarrassing mess, and I have big "personal space" issues, but that doesn't seem to be the case with him if he reacted coolly about it.
Or maybe he's on the internet right now bitching about how his "uptight roommate just totally walked into my room without my permission!"!
Just kidding. Don't beat yourself up over it!
Personally I would hate it if someone just walked into my door though haha, because it's an embarrassing mess, and I have big "personal space" issues, but that doesn't seem to be the case with him if he reacted coolly about it.
Or maybe he's on the internet right now bitching about how his "uptight roommate just totally walked into my room without my permission!"!
Just kidding. Don't beat yourself up over it!
Facethefear
Well-known member
Don't walk into a room a renter has paid for. If he doesn't allow you in for whatever reason it is his right unless there is an emergency. Push a note under the door or post it on the door. You are creating a situation that could become ugly and backfire. If you want them to respect you and your rules, you must be a good "landlord". Maybe you should take the dogs for a walk when you feel anxious.
Well, it didn't really matter, so..oh well. I didn't offend him.
He still hasn't done his weekly chore. And I'm new at this, trying my best to create order and not load myself with responsibilities and allowing people to walk over me as I have in the past. I can't really say I'm perfect, but I've tried the best I can in the situation I am in. I didn't ask for roommates; my mother put me in this situation. And I can't afford, like you Dottie, to live on my own. I'm not a bad roommate like you've said repeatedly. I don't hassle them constantly. I've tried to keep a clean house for them to enjoy without asking them to do much to help maintain it.. I made one mistake, it wasn't a big deal. I never see them otherwise so I was just figured I had to reach him then. So I'm trying the best I can to do what I can to manage a house.
And I didn't just "walk in on him"..I knocked about 5 times and said his name, but when he didn't respond and I knew he was there, I didn't really know what to do. I would never enter someones room without knocking first.
well, thought i'd get some understanding here of all places, but i guess not.
He still hasn't done his weekly chore. And I'm new at this, trying my best to create order and not load myself with responsibilities and allowing people to walk over me as I have in the past. I can't really say I'm perfect, but I've tried the best I can in the situation I am in. I didn't ask for roommates; my mother put me in this situation. And I can't afford, like you Dottie, to live on my own. I'm not a bad roommate like you've said repeatedly. I don't hassle them constantly. I've tried to keep a clean house for them to enjoy without asking them to do much to help maintain it.. I made one mistake, it wasn't a big deal. I never see them otherwise so I was just figured I had to reach him then. So I'm trying the best I can to do what I can to manage a house.
And I didn't just "walk in on him"..I knocked about 5 times and said his name, but when he didn't respond and I knew he was there, I didn't really know what to do. I would never enter someones room without knocking first.
well, thought i'd get some understanding here of all places, but i guess not.
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Why did you quote landlord? Like mocking me? I basically am the landlord, but I don't get to keep the rent I collect. I don't own the house, but I manage everything so my mother doesn't have to worry about her property being ruined.
Facethefear
Well-known member
This is not a social anxiety situation. This is serious business matter and you can't plead ignorance or be offended. If you take on the responsibility of being the manager and collect the rents, then you must educate yourself to avoid a nasty situation. You broke the first rule of a Tenant's right to privacy :
http://texastenant.org/pdf_files/1032_JP_Petition_Privacy.pdf
Knocking on a door a thousand times does not give you the right to enter without HIS permission and you know he did not hear you. You tapped on his shoulder to get his attention so you could tell him he must perform his chore.
Was this chore mentionned to him before he paid his rent?
Texas Tenant Advisor
I think it's a social anxiety situation; managing and living with strangers gives me more anxiety than it would other people. I posted on this forum because I needed help sorting out different variables that have come up.
I think you're taking it a bit too seriously. I don't really need any references about tenant rights; and you're not really helping me at all so why don't you stop posting on my thread.
I think you're taking it a bit too seriously. I don't really need any references about tenant rights; and you're not really helping me at all so why don't you stop posting on my thread.