Going up and talking to people

[Joan6466]

Good situation for all of us to think about! I think your analysis is quite good- I see that one inhibitor is your impression of your voice strength. Is that your perception that it is too quiet, or have you gotten that feedback, such as, "I can't hear you.."? I would probably start at a smaller step, i.e. passing someone in the hallway- where you can practice a greeting- "Hi-John- how are you?" It's a way of acknowledging another person, gives you a chance to practice your friendly look,your voice strength, and your reputation. Little steps can change others' impressions of you--that you are a friendly person- so many times people who are shy are thought of as aloof and indifferent. You will get there. Remember to always praise yourself for the attempt- or even the thought-(that time I almost said hello - good for me--I'll get better as I go along)- and practice OUTLOUD what you might have said, after the event, with yourself. It's a way of getting it imprinted on the brain.By doing this, some day you'll automatically greet someone- "hey-how's it going?"- and as you're walking away, you'll think, oh, my gosh, where did that come from? Cheers to you.

 

[DaaaBulls]

Why not just be sincere and go up and say "whats up guys?" Saying whats up always leads to something.

 

[aj]

An interesting day talked to one girl on her own... wish I knew how I got myself to do it so I could do it again! I said "hiya/the weather's nice enough/bank holiday weekend, can't complain/well, you can actually" (what!? lol ) actually I don't think she even said a word back, just gave me a funny, disinterested smile (edit: thinking about it she did in fact say hi to me when I said hi to her). Well, I'm new to this and I've heard she isn't the most personable of people, not that I'm worried what they think

Then after that a guy who I've seen around said hello to me, didn't talk for long because he had to go, but it went okay.

So for the second half of today I managed to stop feeling like I want to end it all, it's just a shame that the day is over now and nothing says that will ever get another one like that. I have to wait until Tuesday to go back to work as well. But who knows, it could be the start of something. Thank you so much for your help.

I know I shouldn't try to run before I can walk but it would be nice to carry it over to people in the street, away from work. Is there really much of a difference?

 

[alter_ego]

An interesting day talked to one girl on her own... wish I knew how I got myself to do it so I could do it again! I said "hiya/the weather's nice enough/bank holiday weekend, can't complain/well, you can actually" (what!? lol ) actually I don't think she even said a word back, just gave me a funny, disinterested smile (edit: thinking about it she did in fact say hi to me when I said hi to her). Well, I'm new to this and I've heard she isn't the most personable of people, not that I'm worried what they think

Then after that a guy who I've seen around said hello to me, didn't talk for long because he had to go, but it went okay.

So for the second half of today I managed to stop feeling like I want to end it all, it's just a shame that the day is over now and nothing says that will ever get another one like that. I have to wait until Tuesday to go back to work as well. But who knows, it could be the start of something. Thank you so much for your help.

I know I shouldn't try to run before I can walk but it would be nice to carry it over to people in the street, away from work. Is there really much of a difference?

You're doing great. I used to get slightly surprised looks too years ago when I began chatting to people, I think they were just surprised because I was usually quiet. It's second nature to me now. There's even a senior manager I chat to some mornings!

Re people in the street. I don't feel as comfortable talking to them as I do with people I know by sight and have more in common with. I guess that's only natural tho. Or maybe us socially anxious people just never got past the "stranger danger" phase when we were little!

 

[danstelter]

An interesting day talked to one girl on her own... wish I knew how I got myself to do it so I could do it again! I said "hiya/the weather's nice enough/bank holiday weekend, can't complain/well, you can actually" (what!? lol ) actually I don't think she even said a word back, just gave me a funny, disinterested smile (edit: thinking about it she did in fact say hi to me when I said hi to her). Well, I'm new to this and I've heard she isn't the most personable of people, not that I'm worried what they think

Then after that a guy who I've seen around said hello to me, didn't talk for long because he had to go, but it went okay.

So for the second half of today I managed to stop feeling like I want to end it all, it's just a shame that the day is over now and nothing says that will ever get another one like that. I have to wait until Tuesday to go back to work as well. But who knows, it could be the start of something. Thank you so much for your help.

I know I shouldn't try to run before I can walk but it would be nice to carry it over to people in the street, away from work. Is there really much of a difference?

This IS the start of something and is exactly what you are supposed to do. Great work! Not to kill your momentum, but expect days of setbacks on occasion! But don't worry about them because they happen to everyone! Just keep pushing forward and eventually you will find that you are quite comfortable in situations that used to terrify you!

 

[aj]

I've had so many times when things have happened and I've thought 'this could be it' just to have it not really change anything so I'm happy to finally be doing something right for once I hope...

I went into town today, had a walk next to the beach. I was wondering if I could ask someone a question but didn't. So many couples. Young and old. Maybe I was just subconsciously looking for them.

 

[206Raider]

yeah my councellor tells me to think of what to say before hand and tries to give me good advice that we share in common at work, but nobody seems to talk about that stuff like weather and stuff. I just sit there quiet and when the time comes to talk in a circle or something I can't think of 1 word to say and if I do say something I'm so quiet that nobody pays me any mind.

 

[aj]

yeah my councellor tells me to think of what to say before hand and tries to give me good advice that we share in common at work, but nobody seems to talk about that stuff like weather and stuff. I just sit there quiet and when the time comes to talk in a circle or something I can't think of 1 word to say and if I do say something I'm so quiet that nobody pays me any mind.

Difficult isn't it. I often find people are talking about stuff I have no clue about. I think the advice is just to talk about anything, and extra points if it's vaguely interesting. Listen to the boring crap other people talk about most of the time! In fact I find that makes it even worse for me, it's so boring that my mind can't really be bothered to fake being interested and think of questions about it.

Tried again today and it's still attracting attention in the first place that seems to be the most difficult thing. Someone was standing there today so I walked up to the opposite end of the bike shed (a couple of metres away), but the 'hello' didn't come out, so I pretended my phone was going off and walked away, and I hopefully didn't make them the first person I need to avoid due to looking weird.

They weren't doing anything but they just weren't looking around, and it seems you can walk right up to someone and they still won't glance at you. I'm worried I'm going to 'appear' next to them and surprise them, or worse. Obviously I'm not going up and standing right up next to them What's the answer? Just say hi when you're a certain distance from them, make sure you say it so they can hear and carry on if they seem interested?

 

[no1]

Difficult isn't it. I often find people are talking about stuff I have no clue about. I think the advice is just to talk about anything, and extra points if it's vaguely interesting. Listen to the boring crap other people talk about most of the time! In fact I find that makes it even worse for me, it's so boring that my mind can't really be bothered to fake being interested and think of questions about it.

Tried again today and it's still attracting attention in the first place that seems to be the most difficult thing. Someone was standing there today so I walked up to the opposite end of the bike shed (a couple of metres away), but the 'hello' didn't come out, so I pretended my phone was going off and walked away, and I hopefully didn't make them the first person I need to avoid due to looking weird.

They weren't doing anything but they just weren't looking around, and it seems you can walk right up to someone and they still won't glance at you. I'm worried I'm going to 'appear' next to them and surprise them, or worse. Obviously I'm not going up and standing right up next to them What's the answer? Just say hi when you're a certain distance from them, make sure you say it so they can hear and carry on if they seem interested?

Haha.. I learned to NEVER touch a woman unless it is absolutely necessary and proper. I was waiting for a woman at school I had to see, at her desk (one of the staff, but she looks a bit young). She was facing away from the desk and on the phone, and she just couldn't see me waiting in front of her desk. Man they should have waiting seats there. So i stood there, and she kept to her side and I was like "ok" so I just sat in front of her desk on one of her seats. She still didn't see me.. so I was all like "ok I need to hurry this up" so I thought, why don't I touch her to see if she could acknowledge my presence there... So I touched her on her arm and she FREAKED OUT, or I scared her. lol

im kinda weird about talking to a woman now who's facing another way for fear of scaring her, cuz she's all "into her ZONE" and she would probably be all "OMG A STRANGER JUST CONTACTED ME HELP!" and I would look like I was harrassing her or don't know how approach a woman.

 

[aj]

I wrote this earlier on when it was still fresh in my mind...

I was just out for my break and I walked straight past a girl stood waiting for something outside the front of the building (but not wanting to come in). I don't know if she works here. I wanted to say hi. It felt like I'd be intruding on her personal space. She didn't even look at me walk by. Then what do I do after I've said hi? Where do I stand? Where do I look? Do I gently 'expect' her to want to talk to me? I'm so worried about every tiny little thing... what do you do?

 

[alter_ego]

I wrote this earlier on when it was still fresh in my mind...

I was just out for my break and I walked straight past a girl stood waiting for something outside the front of the building (but not wanting to come in). I don't know if she works here. I wanted to say hi. It felt like I'd be intruding on her personal space. She didn't even look at me walk by. Then what do I do after I've said hi? Where do I stand? Where do I look? Do I gently 'expect' her to want to talk to me? I'm so worried about every tiny little thing... what do you do?

You just say hi. Most people will say hi back and if they want to say anything else they will. But don't read too much into it if they don't. Sometimes people don't hear or they're shy or have other things on their mind. And give yourself a break. You don't have to accept responsiblility for every single thing that happens or doesn't happen in a conversation. You remind me of myself when I was much younger! You'll feel more relaxed as time goes by and you gain a little more confidence.

 

[aj]

Gah. I kind of wish you said it was harder because it makes throwing away the opportunity even more stupid! :/

 

[danstelter]

Well, now you're overthinking. Just focus on relaxation and let things come naturally. Talk about "swine flu" and make fun of that or other issues that are hot right now. Keep it casual and relaxed and see where it goes. You won't succeed in every conversation; in fact, most times things won't work out (this is true of EVERYONE, not just anxiety-sufferers). So, just do it and see where it goes. That's all that anyone can do.

 

[alter_ego]

Gah. I kind of wish you said it was harder because it makes throwing away the opportunity even more stupid! :/

No, I used to find it tough too when I was younger and there are still some people I don't find it easy to talk to even now - but they're the ones with the problem, I may be very shy but I'm also a very pleasant, friendly person. And stop picking on yourself.

 

[aj]

Thanks guys. It happened again today. It went okay. The conversation's still rubbish, but that's for later. Maybe soon I'll be talking to random people in the street. Who knows. I hope this carries on.

I am hard on myself sometimes because when I bottle it I know it's for no good reason other than letting myself worry too much. And, of course, if I walked away from a girl, she might have been the one. Heh ::

I know there's no way of knowing what's going to happen but if I keep doing this, and talking to people, should I eventually find... a friend? A girlfriend? Is this it?

 

[just_shadows]

wow AJ (read the whole thread) - cool you know - as long as you try you'll get better at it...

and well - if it's the right girl... i guess she will not let you get away so easily.

(hug) and well - yes, but i'd add - self confidence maybe? a bit more freedom from this.

 

[jamez]

Guy's work on your confidence and self esteem first. Do you think a confident person would have any problem going up to somebody and starting a conversation?

Good topics of conversations that I have found to be would include current news, new movies, sports and girls love gossip.

 

[aj]

Guy's work on your confidence and self esteem first. Do you think a confident person would have any problem going up to somebody and starting a conversation?

Good topics of conversations that I have found to be would include current news, new movies, sports and girls love gossip.

Ah but this is giving me confidence. It feels great.

I talked to a girl serving me today. She was pretty and friendly. I so nearly went mad and asked when she had her lunch break. Can't stop thinking about it now and how I should have asked her. Please tell me to give it up.

Damn biology.

 

[no1]

I wrote this earlier on when it was still fresh in my mind...

I was just out for my break and I walked straight past a girl stood waiting for something outside the front of the building (but not wanting to come in). I don't know if she works here. I wanted to say hi. It felt like I'd be intruding on her personal space. She didn't even look at me walk by. Then what do I do after I've said hi? Where do I stand? Where do I look? Do I gently 'expect' her to want to talk to me? I'm so worried about every tiny little thing... what do you do?

maybe its harder now cuz you've got sexual attraction and it SHOWS. that happens to me a lot, even tho I dont really consciously intend to "pursue" my body still sends out signals and well.. the woman's body still puts up her "b1tch shield" to ward off predators.

so a regular hi just wouldn't be a hi it'd be more like a "hey (waits for reply like his life depended on it)" and she picks up on it and probably looks at me like I'm some immature child who doesn't have manners. Maybe I should say something like "I'm sorry but hey you're hot!"... nah I dont think she'd like somthing like that.

I dont think girls should be so hard on us about our confidence when it has to do with mating, or even socializing/(matinglol). it's kind of been hardwired into us, even if we have done this to ourselves and it's our own thoughts which might not reflect reality but close off doors for us temporarily (even tho it doesn't seem so temporary) .

 

[aj]

Maybe I guess. I don't think I'm showing any attraction just like before but it's hard to tell yourself isn't it.

Here I go again - I'm thinking about the girl who served me now. The fact is all that happened was that she said something about the receipt printer when it chewed the paper, and I said I had the same problem with printers at work. Don't think she even looked at me much. But I don't know, it just felt a lot better and easier than usual, and maybe she was just shy. Now I'm thinking of taking a trip to the place again this Sunday (there's something I wanted to buy but didn't so I can make it worthwhile) to see what happens. Things were going well and I could of asked her, but I didn't.

I realise it's silly and probably based on nothing but as you know in our position you have to try to grab any chances. Who knows? Anything could happen couldn't it! The worst thing that could happen would be that the note with my number gets thrown in the bin, surely?

Tell me if I am being as stupid as I think I am