Going up and talking to people

[kwyser]

Honestly, going up and talking to random people that are already in conversation isn't a good idea. It comes off as weird and needy. Don't go up and talk to pople when they are already in conversation.

Wait until they are by themselves if you work in the same place, then go up and start some casual conversationa about work.

 

[aj]

I went back to the shop where the girl served me last week, just to talk to her and if it went well then ask for her number. I was on my own this time (was with my parents before) and I was so paranoid and felt so shifty when I was walking around so that screwed me from the start.

I bought some clothes but even though I tried to get her serving me I didn't get her anyway. I so wish I had someone there just to give me a push and say 'go for it'.

I realise this was stupid like my previous times but I really thought I could have done that today. I'm not obsessed and there was no reason why anything would have happened but I just wanted to take the chance and ask. That's all.

I'm going on holiday for a week on Thursday so I thought this could have been a good thing just before. All I've done is proved that I can't do it and so this is going to be another crap one.

Sorry if I'm just moaning or this doesn't make much sense, I need someone to talk to, but for some reason my energy is low at the moment :/

 

[danstelter]

I went back to the shop where the girl served me last week, just to talk to her and if it went well then ask for her number. I was on my own this time (was with my parents before) and I was so paranoid and felt so shifty when I was walking around so that screwed me from the start.

I bought some clothes but even though I tried to get her serving me I didn't get her anyway. I so wish I had someone there just to give me a push and say 'go for it'.

I realise this was stupid like my previous times but I really thought I could have done that today. I'm not obsessed and there was no reason why anything would have happened but I just wanted to take the chance and ask. That's all.

I'm going on holiday for a week on Thursday so I thought this could have been a good thing just before. All I've done is proved that I can't do it and so this is going to be another crap one.

Sorry if I'm just moaning or this doesn't make much sense, I need someone to talk to, but for some reason my energy is low at the moment :/

Now you're getting a little too down on yourself. This was not stupid, but a good attempt at moving forward. Did you ask the person who seated or another employee if you could have her for a waitress? If you asked and didn't get her, that's all you can do - it just wasn't meant to be. If you didn't ask, well there's what you will need to work on in the future.

Yeah, this one didn't work out, but you did go there when you may not have even done that in the past. All you need to do is go one step further. If you call this another crap one and say that you can't do it, you are not moving forward in anxiety recovery, but backward. If you instead acknowledge that you moved forward and at least tried, but were too scared to go a little further, then that is a success - maybe it's not the success that you wanted, but it is success.

All you can do now is build on it. Keep finding places to meet women and keep finding ways to ask for their phone numbers and eventually you'll get it! Don't get so emotionally invested in just one...there is one out there, but perhaps this is not the person or place.

 

[aj]

Oh sorry no I meant that she was serving in the shop I bought the clothes, I bought a couple of small things to try to see her again. Anyway that's not important is it

Of course you're right but, I don't know... I just thought that I could have and should have pushed myself more. I'm worried about the holiday because I'm in a massive rut at home and I'll fall back into the same old one there too. Probably. I will try not to.

All you can do is move on yet again isn't it. Sigh.

 

[danstelter]

Oh sorry no I meant that she was serving in the shop I bought the clothes, I bought a couple of small things to try to see her again. Anyway that's not important is it

Of course you're right but, I don't know... I just thought that I could have and should have pushed myself more. I'm worried about the holiday because I'm in a massive rut at home and I'll fall back into the same old one there too. Probably. I will try not to.

All you can do is move on yet again isn't it. Sigh.

Yes, all you can do is move on, but don't be so hard on yourself. This "I should have pushed myself more..." thinking only makes you feel worse and more anxious about yourself and this situation, which is not good. Instead, just be grateful that you did do what you did and praise yourself for that...if you keep pushing yourself, you will eventually do what you want to in the future.

 

[aj]

Thanks Dan.

I think when I have good days I start to get excited and think that I can do more than I actually can. Then I get upset when I can't on another day when my enthusiasm's gone. Unfortunately that excitement is what keeps me going. And so the cycle continues... oh well, as long as it keeps me going I suppose it's ok.

I was doing well and feeling great before that Sunday. Time to forget the bad bits and get back into that happy place I think.

 

[aj]

So... there are six or so people in the bike shelter having a smoke, all standing quite close together. You know one of them but they have their back to you. They won't hear you if you say hi. How do you approach the situation?

 

[zlench]

Never know had to start a converstation than unless it's a simple hello.

 

[aj]

Do you say hello to one of the people you don't know? Go straight for the person you do know and say it directly to them? Just randomly shout it?

I don't understand how I'm making this so hard. I analyse this way too much!! How close should you get before you say hello?

 

[shygirly]

I would stand near like you were and wait for an "in " in the conversation and then say something like "I couldnt help but overhearing you talking about michael Jackson(insert your bit of information here)" That way they and you won't feel you are intruding.

 

[aj]

I always have to stand there for a moment and wait for someone to look at me before I start speaking. How do you get around that?

 

[aj]

On Friday work had an office party at the end of the day. Using the word party loosely - it's really quiet. They've done it before, earlier in the year, and I knew I had to go again or I'd regret it.

I did eventually go out and 'join' one of the groups. I wasn't as scared as before, and I thought that once I got over that I'd be ok. Wrong. I can't join in. People always seem to talk about stuff which a) is too boring or b) I don't know anything about. Usually both. My brain doesn't come up with anything. I can't do it. I just hung around by them like a bad smell - I wouldn't be surprised if I got banned from the next one for hovering around the groups like that, and I wouldn't blame them.

Did that for about an hour (occasionally diving inside to give myself a rest), and there you go. Another wasted evening and now everything looks quite a lot more shitty. No idea what to do.

BTW, I was going to ask one of the few people I work with to help me do it... introduce me to some of their friends or something. But none of them went, just like last time. This is hard enough already, so why do have to do this with nobody by my side at all? It's like some kind of sick joke.

 

[Phobologist]

Well I have a real problem with this, however I have an idea that might help us come up with a good method. Let's reverse the situation: How could a friendly person approach YOU and several imagenary friends, and get to know you? Looking back on my life I have seen only two real ways.

Scenario 1:

The person comes right up to you, excuses themselves, and asks for something such as the time, a cigarette, directions, and so forth. They then follow this up with a question if you continue to pay them attention: "So, do you work down the hall?". And the conversation is on!


Scenario 2:

The person walks by you slowly and at a strategic moment makes eye-contact. If you notice them and make eye contact they stop and smile, and ask a question or make a grabbing statement that's relevant to the situation. For example, if you are at a football event they might say, "Man the game is going great for the Rams, huh?", or if you are at a bar, they may say "Hey, that's a cool hat, where'd you get it?". Ive experienced that one frequently. If at work they may say.."Hey, I think you work down the hall from me, what's your name?".


As far as I can tell, just being friendly is a no-brainer and totally normal for other people, but it scares the shit out of us because of our anxious fantasies. I haven't been brave enough to try this out much, but when I am drunk, high-on-success, or feeling great, I will occasionally become extrovert.

Hope this helps.

 

[Harleyq]

I think some of this advice is really good. I've never been able to join a group of people who were already having a conversation. I can only join ones where people are just randomly talking to the whole room but not when there are groups.

I've had a lot of instances where I started out as part of a conversation circle and then someone else who was more interesting walked up, stood in front of me, and took my place and suddenly I was literally outside of the conversation circle with everyone's backs to me wherever I tried to stand again

 

[limetree]

I've had a lot of instances where I started out as part of a conversation circle and then someone else who was more interesting walked up, stood in front of me, and took my place and suddenly I was literally outside of the conversation circle with everyone's backs to me wherever I tried to stand again

This has happened to me countless times. I hate those stupid movies which always resolve this at the end with romantic happily ever afters. I'd feel kind of hypocritical for trying to "trample out them bitches for getting in my way."

I mostly talk only when people approach me, and go up to people when I have a question to ask or I know familiar people in the group. It's just about latching onto tangents that you're knowledgeable or curious about in the conversation I guess.

I had a bad experience with a guy stalking me first in a library and then in Borders. He persisted to ask me whether I believed in fiction... how ironic that I found this creepy because I fantasize about people approaching me all the time. From then on I tried perhaps a little too hard not to come across clingy/intrusive.