Friend has gotten cocky since he got a serious girlfriend, dunno what to do

[Hinterland]

A few years ago, I met this friend, who was a guy about my age with a similar background. Kinda shy, had been "married" but they were just platonic friends and he'd never had a serious, real girlfriend, I know weird, but it's kinda like me, I've never had a real girlfriend either but hung out with lots of people and even over-sexed people were envy of. So I guess I've "dated" but not officially.

At any rate, we started off as kindred spirits, helping each other through various problems talking each other through the hard times. He was really understanding and there for support. And, like the guy used to have painfully shy problems like me and I had to really talk him through stuff.

Well like 2 years ago his got his first serious real girlfriend and they had sex, he was no longer a virgin. And, ever since then, he has become increasingly cocky and rude to to me. Always going on about how devastatingly handsome he is (in a jocular manner, but) and also making cracks at me about how I'm not as "sexy" as him every chance he gets.

I've told him this bothers me a few times, and he's just like "I"m just teasing you, trying to cheer you up", but it doesn't cheer me up. And, he acts like my appearance is a big joke, which just revs up my own insecurities, but he acts like it shouldn't bother me.

The thing is, I know it's just "teasing", and that's always been a concept I have never understood why "friends" will put each other down. I know it's something about bonding and that you should be able to say anything, but I'm at such a low ebb right now as to my own thoughts about my appearance, and as I get older, I feel like I will never get a girlfriend, and he's taking this jocular attitude now like: "Dude, it's your life, do what you want, you gotta just dive in, I'm so hot and attractive, it's too bad you're not", and he's actually come close to saying it like that. And, he does it in a joking way, but it also hurts my feelings.

And, I'm just ugh as to what to do about it and why he's gotten so cocky when I know he's not that kind of person at all, and why we seem to be growing apart. And, now having to hear about his sexcapades, well that's fine, but then him going on about how "hot" he is and that's the result of his natural good looks.

Thing is, he IS indeed very good looking, but had been extremely insecure about himself, and I would talk him through and tell him he WAS secure in himself, and in fact, convinced him to make his GF his girlfriend, when he was too shy/upset to go for it himself.

And, I'm just really confused, and dunno what to do about it. I have told him some of the things he's said bother me, and I dunno, this is just a vent. We're both guys in our 30s btw.

I just feel like friends should be there to ENCOURAGE each other, and he said to me: "I just tease you to try and cheer you up out of your doldrums, I can either agree with your 'pity party' or I can tease you". And, I'm thinking, there is a *3rd* option, you can be encouraging, like I was for him.

So, I dunno just a vent, anybody been through similar? I don't want to lose his friendship, but dunno what to do.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

Have you tried the very direct way like "my self-esteem is already low enough - you cannot talk to me that way, no matter if you're joking, it gives me the urge to kill myself. If you can't stop, I'll have to go away from you to preserve my life."

I've done this once or twice in other contexts and it has been amazingly efficient.

 

[dottie]

don't tell people you will kill yourself if they don't treat you a certain way. that is just immature and manipulative.

i understand how you feel, though. i'm a very literal person and have a hard time not taking things so seriously. just try to remind yourself when you are around him that his way of dealing with his insecurities is to crack jokes. it's ok to laugh at yourself and reciprocate it! if they really do come across as passive-aggressive insults maybe you should consider hanging out with different people, someone more on your same wavelength.

 

[eek]

Dude, it's your life, do what you want, you gotta just dive in, I'm so hot and attractive, it's too bad you're not

That's just too weird. Having no friends suck, but imo this guy isn't worth it. Think of all the bad social habits you will also be learning from this guy.

 

[Apotheosis]

If you want practical advice: just let him know he's bothering you, and don't let him blow it off as a joke. He may see it that way but if you stop him and say,

"No man, I'm dealing with some **** and you're not helping. We're cool but could you just stop doing... that?"

Minus a little drama, throw in some of your own touches for personal detail and BAM! One sure, solid solemnerizer ready to solemn him down; with better grammar than I'm using, of course.




Edit: Side note, if you have no interest in speculative psychology then turn your eyes back in the <---- direction.

As far as we are able to tell, most men do undergo a sort of testosteromania (not a real word) after their first time. This is especially true for people who have been virgins into adulthood, as they place higher psychological values on the act. The condition is very variable depending on the person, but it often lasts anywhere between one month to a year in the short term. In the long term, your friend may have suffered permanent remasculation. There are no known cures but his symptoms may be treated by denying him pussy from any sources. If you're evil, tell his girlfriend you heard him complaining about his pee burning or something and...

Oh god. I took an ambien, meaning to go to sleep, now I can barely focus on the words I'm typing! Aaaagh

 

[***deleted***]

I say knock his ass off his high horse.
He sounds like a douche anyway.

butt...its not exactly the "correct" way of handling things

 

[Bittersweet]

You said you don't know what to do, but the truth is, you're not ready. It's hard to end a friendship, when you feel a bond is there, but take a look at the facts:

1. He was kind and supportive when you were both single and lonely.

2. Once he got a girl and had sex, he became cocky and rude.

3. He began to rub it in.

4. He began to insult you under the guise of a joke.

5. You made it clear you didn't like his 'jokes' but he dismisses your feelings.

6. He was nice until he got what he wanted, and now he treats you poorly.

 

[mmmm]

Woweee. He had sex ONE TIME (with another person) and now he's suddenly so hot and attractive. What a winner.I know it's not the most mature approach but I'd be rubbing his nose in the aforementioned version of events until he took the hint that teasing can be hurtful.

 

[Remus]

Sounds like male banter to me.

Tell him 'you are a pretty boy, you'd make a convincing tranny' and blow him a kiss.

 

[lovely222]

I think you've got 2 options to be honest. By sound of it he's on a ego trip at the moment, I no he's being hurtful to you but actually by showing him that it's fueling it. I. Call it ego polishing truth is he's not secure and happy and is using your reaction to it as a boost.

Second option is to retaliate in a nasty way. Which will only result in a lost friend.


My best friend of 22 years did this. To me .. Actually is was over her getting married suddenly she thought she was gods gift and excuse to trash me she madee me feel so small and pathetic. I took option of retaliating any excuse to trash her I used it to fullest.

But one day I realised that our friendship was dead it had become just a slanging match of taunts and 'put downs' we haven't spoke now. For 18 months although it was the best. Thing for us.

You no your friend if this is really out of character then chances is he'll snap out of it. But if you have. Noticed through your friendship this is a character trait like my friend she enjoyed the 'ego trips' and was known for them. Then maybe you have to re think the friendship. If you have brought up that you don't like the way he's acting and he still. Continues then bluntly he's far from a friend.

 

[Death Rider]

I'd like to emphasize one thing. He's in his 30s and he's cocky. Let me take a wild guess, but he does not brag to his other friends or relatives, that he lost his virginity at this age. He does not brag how good the sex was to people, who have had sex. Yeah, it's an ego thing. In my opinion and from my own experience, sex in itself is a letdown. I believe your friend is just trying to overcompensate for the insufficient pleasure he received. It's called the sweet lemon principle, where you take a bite of it and try to tell others how sweet it tastes. Yes, it has sugar in it, no you could barely feel it through the sour taste. It's like autogenic conditioning where you refuse to admit that the act itself did not satisfy your expectations, thus you hyperbolate it.
He has been bragging about his sexcapades, but I doubt he ever shared his feelings on the subject openly. That's what I would urge you to do.
It's hard for me to imagine an ego trip for a person, who took so long to achieve so little and yet feel like he has done a lot. Depression may follow

 

[Pacific_Loner]

don't tell people you will kill yourself if they don't treat you a certain way. that is just immature and manipulative.

That was not meant to be taken at the first degree, it's an exagerated example
Like when you say "wow this movie makes me want to kill myself"
Everyone knows you just mean the movie is boring
Sorry if I have a strange sense of humour

 

[LonelyWonders]

I have never understood why "friends" will put each other down

I don't really understand it either. Honestly, with people im friends with, I do it allll the time but thats because the people im friends with it doesnt bother. What he's doing is different, even if he doesn't mean it to be. Friends would stop if they knew it was bothing the other..

Me, i'd "tease" right back whenever he makes his little comments. If he seems angry or upset then that'd be a better time to explain how you feel than how he's acting now. Honestly he's just being a jerk and if he values your friendship at all should really atleast calm it down.. Just tell him how you feel and tell him that if he doesn't calm it down this friendship might not work out. That's my advice and opinion, hope I was helpful