Forced Intimacy

[guessed]

I've realized that I am guilty of trying to force intimacy with people.

I also realize it's not healthy. However, I'm not sure how to avoid doing this.

How do you establish a connection with a person? People say it just happens naturally, but it never happens for me, so I'm unsure what to do.

Also, as far as determining if a person is worthy of your trust, how do you know?

Most of the basic guidelines people use to be able to tell someone is trustworthy, and has a mutual interest are things I have not experienced.

I have never had a real connection with anyone, including family. I'm not sure if that is my upbringing or if I lack the capacity.

When you have been starved of something so basic your entire life, it is very difficult to hold back when you see even the glimmer of possibility.

 

[dottie]

it involves letting your gaurd down and allowing yourself to be completely vulnerable, not caring. the more you care, the harder it is to obtain.

not caring, being vulnerable is something i have resisted so long that i have grown an inpenetrable shell i do not know how to remove. it is a facade of indifference which people find most repelling and i can't blame them.

 

[Feathers]

You just mustn't rush things, it's good to take things slowly..

eg at first you just talk about the weather, classes or professors or work or any other things in your surrounding or immediate lives.. eg what you saw on TV or read in a magazine or heard, a concert or show you went to.. mostly about upbeat or new/mutually interesting things..
Then if you see some rapport and common interests, you can go from there..

If someone studies the same as you do or works at the same place, that's one common interest. As you get to know them, you hear what TV shows or activities they like, and if some of them overlap with yours, that's a common interest too. And you can talk about it, 'Wow, you collect china figurines too..' (example)
Are you going anywhere where people with your interests might go? (Example: figurine collectors' workshops or trade fairs or such...?)

It's difficult if you study what you don't want to study, but even there you can find some people who don't want to study that, but other things you really want to study too.. (At least I did. )

When you get to know a person a bit better (they are happy to see you and you are happy to see them, they come to you to talk or call/text/e-mail you etc.) you can go for a cup of tea together etc.

How to tell if you can trust someone: you see if they open up to you first, or speak of any similar things.. If they have (ever experienced) similar troubles or show understanding, it's easier to tell them stuff.. Or you talk about it in an indirect way - eg about a TV show or news with similar content to what you have to say and see the reaction.. eg if you want to confess to someone you're gay, you could say, 'I read about (statistics on % of gay people in your country) - what do you think about that?' or 'did you know that...?' and if that person rants over gays, of course you're probably not gonna tell.. (unless you absolutely have to).

It's difficult to say without knowing your life more: are you studying or working? Where is this an issue - with friendships or in potential love relationships or such? (Or both?)

It's just good to not tell too much too soon, especially at work...

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Also, as far as determining if a person is worthy of your trust, how do you know?

Most of the basic guidelines people use to be able to tell someone is trustworthy, and has a mutual interest are things I have not experienced.

I have never had a real connection with anyone, including family. I'm not sure if that is my upbringing or if I lack the capacity.

When you have been starved of something so basic your entire life, it is very difficult to hold back when you see even the glimmer of possibility.

For me, it took a long time to develop enough experience to be able to tell when someone was worth keeping, worth my trust, and stuff like that.

When they say or do things, consider whether it makes you feel good or bad. If it made you feel bad, ask yourself why. Ask yourself if what they did are the actions of someone who cares about how your feel.

 

[EasySkanking]

I've never been intimate with someone, so I don't know

 

[Aussie_Lad]

I would consider a sense of empathy is important. Knowing when a person is happy or sad and being able to relate to that is key. When you develop the sense that everything is not right, and being able to get the other person to open up to you, is a great skill to have. You can start by looking for behaviour changes of people, for example, an extraverted person may become quiet when they are in a bad mood.

 

[Kiwong]

I have to say I love the feeling of simply fitting in. Positive interaction with people feels wonderful. This is the joy of simple conversation without fear of being misunderstood, not anything on a deeper level.

I have made connections with people who share a commmon interest, the hard part is being able to maintain that connection, without the other person giving up because of my anxiety.

Being in reach of fitting in of belonging to something positive is also frightening to me. My anxiety makes fitting in a slippery slope. I start to get along with people, and my anxiety rears its ugly head, and wonders what it can do to annoy the person I'm speaking to.

The only truly easy connection I had in my life was my parents. When my father died in May I felt cast adrift, and my anxiety has become worse.