First dates

[bluepixel]

I guess I just need to vent a little...

I had some luck on OKCupid late last year. I had 4 dates over about 5 months, but got rejected for a second date after each one. Very low-key meetings, 1 dinner date and 3 coffee dates. We talked about TV, movies, work, and various junk... I actually thought things went well, at least well enough to warrant a second date... the girls knew what I looked like before-hand and we had a ton in common... I just don't understand what went wrong ::

For those more successful in the dating game, any advice?

 

[Aussie_Lad]

Just keep at it. It only takes one girl to agree to a second date, and then you are halfway toward getting a girlfriend. Most people go through a lot of dates before they find the person that they want to spend a lot of time with.

 

[Felgen]

Practice. The first date I ever had at the age of 19 never wanted to speak to me again, nor did the second date I ever had, at the age of 20. Today, at the age of 22, I'm by no means a womanizer, but I've had a a serious relationships and a few one-night stands and I'll probably have more of both.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Did you actually verbally ask for a second date, or did you assume they would call or email you for one?
It makes a big difference sometimes to just ask.
Sometimes, a girl could even be waiting by her phone for you to ask her.


I guess the only thing I can say is- keep trying. You're on the right track; it's all trial and error, you know?

~~

and I don't date. I've had one relationship, but I say these things based on watching my mother-- who is pretty much a professional dater. haha

 

[Emma]

You probably just haven't found the right one yet, if they don't want a second date with you it's their loss and they'll be the ones missing out.

 

[coyote]

Did you actually verbally ask for a second date, or did you assume they would call or email you for one?
It makes a big difference sometimes to just ask.
Sometimes, a girl could even be waiting by her phone for you to ask her.


I guess the only thing I can say is- keep trying. You're on the right track; it's all trial and error, you know?

~~

and I don't date. I've had one relationship, but I say these things based on watching my mother-- who is pretty much a professional dater. haha

how old is your mom?

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

how old is your mom?

haha! she's 46 in a couple of months. 46>looks 30 and gets much more attention than I ever do.
It was embarrassing when I was in school because all of the boys in my classes would have 'crushes' on her.

 

[coyote]

haha! she's 46 in a couple of months. 46>looks 30 and gets much more attention than I ever do.
It was embarrassing when I was in school because all of the boys in my classes would have 'crushes' on her.

interesting...

Chicago's just a four hour drive from here

 

[GoBlue72]

interesting...

Chicago's just a four hour drive from here

Now THAT would make an interesting "how did you two meet" story!

On the original note, Bluepixel, I can say my past experience has been very similar to yours. When I find myself questioning what went wrong, I try not to. It does get difficult with the more time that passes before the next date. To be fair, in some of the dates I kind of felt a lack of connection with the women. It's difficult to determine if anxiety/body language, etc.. play a part on either or both person's side. I usually would try for a second date, just to see if anything improved or changed. But I know what you mean, sometimes there was just one date and no interest. I DO know some women feel that telling you outright "I'm not interested" is more hurtful than just not saying anything. I disagree. They can always make up a reason why, i.e. "it's not you, it's me." Hang in there though, sounds like you're doing great.

 

[mismeek]

Im on OKC also.. do you mind if i take a look at your profile?


You should give us a bit more detail about how the girl was acting like her body language.. did she just nod alot, did she get up alot? lots of eye contacts? I met ONE guy on there and it was a nightmare. He talked about how lonely he was and desparate and how we had a connection (on the first date?? i dont think so) etc... I was polite and endured..but he really made me uncomfortable.. he was just so INTENSE. After the date i declined a second one and he proceeded to call me everyday for FOUR weeks. Needless to say.. I dont date on online anymore.

 

[bluepixel]

woah, more replies than I expected! thanks guys

I'm certainly not giving up, but the whole process from messaging -> actually going out gets really tedious, esp. when 90%+ of the girls you message don't reply. If I didn't suck at approaching girls in-person maybe I'd have better luck.

@WeirdyMcGee - yep, I did ask.
First date: she said she had a good time, but stopped responding to my messages.
Second and Third: Message saying not interested.
Fourth: She texted me later in the night after we met, told me she had a nice time and I said she should tell me when she's free and we could make dinner plans, but she never got back to me.

@mismeek - sure, it's, http://www.okcupid.com/profile/bluepixel22
... any criticism appreciated.
(I know, my pics aren't the greatest... I just need to find one where I'm smiling and don't look like a doofus)

Sorry to hear about your horrible experience. I'm positive I didn't come off that intense... conversation was light and casual; I was actually wondering if I didn't come on strong enough - as there was no flirting, comments about her looks, etc... I didn't make contact again after I was refused a second date.

As for how the girls were acting...

#1: Only thing that struck me as odd is that we ended the night abruptly (she had to meet a friend) and with a handshake (other dates ended w/ a hug)

#2: A bit standoffish at first, didn't take her coat off, kept checking the time b/c she had to move her car, didn't really talk much... but she warmed up a bit after a while, took her coat off, told me about her work and family.

#3: She actually was the one who kept the conversation going and asked about movies, tv shows, etc.

#4: Very friendly and animated. Talked about business stuff and she talked about her students (she teaches entrepreneurship).

So, yea, I certainly don't think it was a case of me running off at the mouth w/ the girl nodding silently in the corner.

 

[Aussie_Lad]

If I can make some constructive feedback here, I would say to pursue #4. If it turned out the way you said, it is very similar to the line "we should catch up sometime" to an old friend. Unless you make solid plans, the day never comes where you actually do what you agreed upon. It always takes one person to take the lead and be proactive in at least making an attempt to make a solid plan. What I would do is ring her (not text), ask her what she is up to and if she would like to catch up. If she says yes, then agree upon a time to meet up on the spot, and take it from there. If she gives you the run around then take it as a "not interested", and then leave it at that.

 

[Fighter86]

I agree with going for the 4th one. Like Aussielad suggests, give her a ring, and try to fix a next date. If she says she's not free etc, its ok, give it a bit more time, wait a week and then try again, perhaps she just needs to re-consider and who knows, she might take up the second date. I went for dinner with this guy I met through work, but he was coming on too strongly and terrified me, he had tried asking me to go to a movie with him but I declined, because he was coming on too strongly with the flirting. He hadn't since asked and I'm pretty disappointed really, because after sleeping on it for a couple days, I decided I did have a proposal on how we can move forward, but he's since not made any move and well, I don't think he would again, besides, my connection with him would end once the issue with regards to work is settled soon. So I would say even if she says no after you ring her, give it a bit time and try for another one or two times more before giving up because who knows, she could just be needing to sleep on it abit and then decide she does want to go out with you again

 

[Sial Axetder]

I agree with going for the 4th one. Like Aussielad suggests, give her a ring, and try to fix a next date. If she says she's not free etc, its ok, give it a bit more time, wait a week and then try again, perhaps she just needs to re-consider and who knows, she might take up the second date. I went for dinner with this guy I met through work, but he was coming on too strongly and terrified me, he had tried asking me to go to a movie with him but I declined, because he was coming on too strongly with the flirting. He hadn't since asked and I'm pretty disappointed really, because after sleeping on it for a couple days, I decided I did have a proposal on how we can move forward, but he's since not made any move and well, I don't think he would again, besides, my connection with him would end once the issue with regards to work is settled soon. So I would say even if she says no after you ring her, give it a bit time and try for another one or two times more before giving up because who knows, she could just be needing to sleep on it abit and then decide she does want to go out with you again

Good grief. Are these things really that complicated? Goes against everything that is. Myself would see this as annoying the other. Impolite.

 

[bluepixel]

oh, I should mentioned all of these dates were quite some time ago. So my date w/ #4 was nearly 2 months ago (first week of Dec.)... so I don't know that she'd respond well to me calling her out of the blue.

 

[GoBlue72]

oh, I should mentioned all of these dates were quite some time ago. So my date w/ #4 was nearly 2 months ago (first week of Dec.)... so I don't know that she'd respond well to me calling her out of the blue.

I'd still give it a try if you're interested. 2 months is awhile, but it's almost a "second try" as opposed to contacting her two weeks later. Maybe the two months prior were hectic for one or both of you, and this time period might work better. Also, if there were other dates involved with either one of you, maybe those are no longer in the picture.

I know I tried to make it work with one girl I dated on two separate occasions, as one time she was teaching high school, while the other time she was off for the summer. And another time I had dated a girl and later we parted ways, only to learn later that she wanted to give it a second try.