Finally decided to post. Here goes... :)

[Miss Magnolia :)]

I've been reading the posts on this forum for a while now, and I've been trying to find the time/guts to post. It still amazes me that there are people out there who really do seem to understand what I've been experiencing practically all my life. I've mainly been avoiding posting anything on here because I'm afraid I'll be totally ignored like usual. But I figure it can't hurt to at least get some things off my chest, even if nobody ends up reading this.

I'm 20 years old, in my third year of college (a psychology major as I've noticed many people on here are, which I think is very funny/interesting lol). I can't really remember when my social anxiety started, but I know it has gotten sooo much worse since I went away to college. In middle school I had lots of friends but I really prided myself on being different from the "popular" crowd. I had so much more confidence back then. I guess I started becoming more self-conscious in high school and just started clamming up in social situations and totally shutting myself off to other people besides my family (although I'm not totally open with them either). Now it's to the point where I can't even raise my hand in class or give a presentation, much less try to talk to people at my school. I think half the battle is the physical anxiety that just overwhelms me in social situations... I'm sure you all know the feeling.

I have to laugh at my whole situation sometimes because I'll leave my Psychotherapy class (after just learning about cognitive distortions, etc.) and immediately start analyzing the awkward conversation I had with the girl sitting next to me or the "failed" presentation I gave that day, making overgeneralizations, maximizing my mistakes, telling myself things will never get better, you name it. I know probably about 95% of my thoughts/feelings aren't rational, but I just feel totally powerless and I know deep down that I'm not just "shy" (as most people describe me). I've been told my whole life that I'll "grow out of it" or I'll "come out of my shell" if I just "put myself out there" (ughh... I really hate that phrase).

So, right now I have one friend who really truly understands my issues (which I am reeeeally thankful for because I don't know where I'd be without him). But when I'm here at school (I usually go home every weekend because I really can't stand being here) I will go days without talking to a single person, not even my roommate. It’s hard for me to even walk down the hallway to the bathroom because I’m terrified that I’ll see someone I know and have to say hi (sounds so dumb when I say that out loud/in my head lol). And using the sink is the worst because people will stand at the sink next to you and you feel like they’re analyzing your every move. I usually eat dinner alone, or if I'm with my roommate and her boyfriend I'll sit there uncomfortably, usually completely silent. I can't imagine how strange it must be for people to interact (or try to interact) with me. I think that's what stresses me out the most... just imagining how awkward and unconfident I must look to them. I really shouldn't care, but I digress. Sometimes I feel like I really just don't understand people my age. I don't get the appeal of parties and going out, and don't even get me started on dating... that's just totally out of the question for me. I'd much rather stay in my little bubble and watch tv or even do homework (getting good grades is pretty much the only advantage I've experienced from being socially anxious lol).

Last year I finally got the courage to talk to the school counselor/therapist, but I really didn't find it very helpful and stopped going (without explaining it to her of course because I avoid confrontation/conversation like the plague!). I just felt like she really didn't understand where I was coming from and was just expecting me to "snap out of it" or something. It's NOT THAT EASY!

But I know I need to do something about it, and I think this is a good first step. I'm going to be graduating soon (in December ) and I'm completely terrified at the thought of going on interviews for jobs or going on to graduate school where the social demands would only get worse. I don't even really want to go to graduate school or follow the "normal" plan of life that everyone expects of you... the only thing that matters to me is being able to help people. That's all I've ever wanted to do with my life and I don't think that fancy degrees or high paying jobs are going to make me happy. But I can't seem to find the confidence to do what I wanna do with my life or to really make a difference. I just feel so insignificant and my social anxiety is really keeping me from living the kind of life I want to live. Sorry to get all philosophical on you. I tend to think waaaay too much.

Anyways, I look forward to getting to know you all and hopefully we can help each other cope with this frustrating thing! And sorry for my lengthy post (if I was talking to you face to face I wouldn’t be able to come up with a single comprehensible SENTENCE! lol)

PS – Does anyone ever worry that someone you know will see your post and realize it’s you? (maybe I’m just being paranoid as usual :

 

[superfluouslyme]

Welcome! This place brings out the talkative side of me, too.

 

[Steppen-Wolf]

Welcome Miss Magnolia : )

And try not to feel inhibited in any way, most of us who suffer from SA have a lot to say, but never found the right people or medium to do so.

I've always thought that the worst thing about SA is that isolates us from the world and keeps us in a mindset that we can't escape without external help, thus becoming a vicious circle.

 

[coyote]

Hi, and welcome to the forum!

 

[EasySkanking]

Welcome , it was nice reading your story.

 

[Phoenixx]

Welcome to SPW I'll be graduating from high school in a couple months and the thought alone is really starting to scare me... And to answer your question, yes sometimes I feel like someone I know will just happen to stumble across this site and see my posts and profile and recognize that it's me. I know that's HIGHLY unlikely....

 

[Lccska]

I don't get on here very often because I found this site for my daughter. I want this to be her "thing". So anyway...I just wanted to tell you that I was a Psych Nurse for 15 years. It is well known in the "Psych World" that most people get into Psych like fields to heal themselves. Your psychology field is no great surprise to me or probably most of your Professors. It's something we don't tell people unless we know you're very secure about who you are. My best advice to you would be to get yourself into therapy. Depression and anxiety disorders tend to be somewhat like a sore. If you don't treat it and take care of it, it worsens. Eventually it gets so bad that you can't ignore it anymore. You seem to be heading down that road. I doubt that you will be able to heal yourself. It's much easier to tell others what their irrational thoughts are all about. It's much harder to analyze yourself. You need to find a therapist who you feel comfortable with and who can get you on the road to healing. Good Luck to you!

 

[Miss Magnolia :)]

Welcome to SPW I'll be graduating from high school in a couple months and the thought alone is really starting to scare me... And to answer your question, yes sometimes I feel like someone I know will just happen to stumble across this site and see my posts and profile and recognize that it's me. I know that's HIGHLY unlikely....

Haha, glad I'm not the only one. Are you planning on going to college? I didn't put much thought into choosing my college... I just went with it because it's super small and I thought I'd have an easier time making friends. In a way I think it turned out to be just the opposite, but I'm not sure if things would be any better if I had gone to a bigger school. I think I was also expecting that I could magically reinvent myself and leave all my problems behind once I got to college. Things started out pretty good and I did make a few friends, but then I settled back into my old ways and started secluding myself in my room. Anyways, my point is that you really do have an opportunity to start new habits and leave old ones behind after you graduate. I just hope you have more determination and courage than I did. I got a brief glimpse of how great things could be after leaving the comfy bubble of high school, but I threw it away too quickly. But really, no matter how big a change might seem, you always end up finding a new "normal". Just make sure you take this opportunity to make good changes while you have the chance!

 

[Phoenixx]

Haha, glad I'm not the only one. Are you planning on going to college? I didn't put much thought into choosing my college... I just went with it because it's super small and I thought I'd have an easier time making friends. In a way I think it turned out to be just the opposite, but I'm not sure if things would be any better if I had gone to a bigger school. I think I was also expecting that I could magically reinvent myself and leave all my problems behind once I got to college. Things started out pretty good and I did make a few friends, but then I settled back into my old ways and started secluding myself in my room. Anyways, my point is that you really do have an opportunity to start new habits and leave old ones behind after you graduate. I just hope you have more determination and courage than I did. I got a brief glimpse of how great things could be after leaving the comfy bubble of high school, but I threw it away too quickly. But really, no matter how big a change might seem, you always end up finding a new "normal". Just make sure you take this opportunity to make good changes while you have the chance!

^ I do plan on going to a somewhat local college in the fall. It's about an hour away, but it's not too small nor too big. I think it's kinda the right fit for me, but the thought of going still scares me a bit. Don't get me wrong, I really want to be on my own and a part of me is excited about it. But the rest of me is just terrified and the whole SA thing doesn't do me any justice.

I've always thought that by going to college, it'll be a way to reinvent myself, to start anew, and to just forget about the things I regret and move on. But, as I get closer to that time where I leave, I really don't know how I'm going to handle it.

 

[Miss Magnolia :)]

I don't get on here very often because I found this site for my daughter. I want this to be her "thing". So anyway...I just wanted to tell you that I was a Psych Nurse for 15 years. It is well known in the "Psych World" that most people get into Psych like fields to heal themselves. Your psychology field is no great surprise to me or probably most of your Professors. It's something we don't tell people unless we know you're very secure about who you are. My best advice to you would be to get yourself into therapy. Depression and anxiety disorders tend to be somewhat like a sore. If you don't treat it and take care of it, it worsens. Eventually it gets so bad that you can't ignore it anymore. You seem to be heading down that road. I doubt that you will be able to heal yourself. It's much easier to tell others what their irrational thoughts are all about. It's much harder to analyze yourself. You need to find a therapist who you feel comfortable with and who can get you on the road to healing. Good Luck to you!

Thanks for your advice. I do think I should probably give therapy another shot, but it's kind of complicated because my parents have no idea how severe my anxiety really is. Your daughter is lucky that you are so aware of her struggles and willing to help. My parents are a little clueless sometimes ::

 

[Miss Magnolia :)]

^ I do plan on going to a somewhat local college in the fall. It's about an hour away, but it's not too small nor too big. I think it's kinda the right fit for me, but the thought of going still scares me a bit. Don't get me wrong, I really want to be on my own and a part of me is excited about it. But the rest of me is just terrified and the whole SA thing doesn't do me any justice.

I've always thought that by going to college, it'll be a way to reinvent myself, to start anew, and to just forget about the things I regret and move on. But, as I get closer to that time where I leave, I really don't know how I'm going to handle it.

^ Yeah, I definitely know the feeling. It's like I know I have so much to offer and could really be a great friend to someone, but like you said the limitations of the SA just doesn't do me any justice. My school is an hour away from home too, and I've found that to be really nice. It's far enough away to make me feel like I can be sort of independent but still allows me to go home when I feel like I need the comfort of my old little bubble. I think you might surprise yourself once you actually get there. Things are never as scary as we build them up to be. Just try to go with the flow and don't put too much pressure on yourself to do a complete 360 or anything. I'm probably not the one to be giving advice on this, but I just wish I had made more of an effort to push myself socially when I first started college.

 

[Phoenixx]

^ Yeah, I definitely know the feeling. It's like I know I have so much to offer and could really be a great friend to someone, but like you said the limitations of the SA just doesn't do me any justice. My school is an hour away from home too, and I've found that to be really nice. It's far enough away to make me feel like I can be sort of independent but still allows me to go home when I feel like I need the comfort of my old little bubble. I think you might surprise yourself once you actually get there. Things are never as scary as we build them up to be. Just try to go with the flow and don't put too much pressure on yourself to do a complete 360 or anything. I'm probably not the one to be giving advice on this, but I just wish I had made more of an effort to push myself socially when I first started college.

^ No worries. I think you gave me good advice. So I thank you. ^-^

 

[Hottie]

Hi Miss Magnolia & welcome to the forum

while i was reading your post i was thinking, we have alot in common. I studdied three years of social studdies (just about!) and have now applied for a further studdying in the area os psychology.
While i was thinking we have alot in common, you have to put the PS at the end, then i got a sudden panic which made me think somebody is pretending to be ma haha sounds so silly but thats how paronoia rolls!!!

Well anyway, im just welcoming you here and letting you know yes, i always think people will know who i am..!!

 

[Miss Magnolia :)]

Hi Miss Magnolia & welcome to the forum

while i was reading your post i was thinking, we have alot in common. I studdied three years of social studdies (just about!) and have now applied for a further studdying in the area os psychology.
While i was thinking we have alot in common, you have to put the PS at the end, then i got a sudden panic which made me think somebody is pretending to be ma haha sounds so silly but thats how paronoia rolls!!!

Well anyway, im just welcoming you here and letting you know yes, i always think people will know who i am..!!

Hahaha wow, that's funny :: I'm glad it's not just me that feels that way though. I'm finding myself getting quite addicted to this forum because I'm realizing that there really are people out there that understand my crazy thoughts! lol. Anyways, thanks for the welcome and I look forward to talking to you and everybody else!