Miss Magnolia :)
Member
I've been reading the posts on this forum for a while now, and I've been trying to find the time/guts to post. It still amazes me that there are people out there who really do seem to understand what I've been experiencing practically all my life. I've mainly been avoiding posting anything on here because I'm afraid I'll be totally ignored like usual. But I figure it can't hurt to at least get some things off my chest, even if nobody ends up reading this.
I'm 20 years old, in my third year of college (a psychology major as I've noticed many people on here are, which I think is very funny/interesting lol). I can't really remember when my social anxiety started, but I know it has gotten sooo much worse since I went away to college. In middle school I had lots of friends but I really prided myself on being different from the "popular" crowd. I had so much more confidence back then. I guess I started becoming more self-conscious in high school and just started clamming up in social situations and totally shutting myself off to other people besides my family (although I'm not totally open with them either). Now it's to the point where I can't even raise my hand in class or give a presentation, much less try to talk to people at my school. I think half the battle is the physical anxiety that just overwhelms me in social situations... I'm sure you all know the feeling.
I have to laugh at my whole situation sometimes because I'll leave my Psychotherapy class (after just learning about cognitive distortions, etc.) and immediately start analyzing the awkward conversation I had with the girl sitting next to me or the "failed" presentation I gave that day, making overgeneralizations, maximizing my mistakes, telling myself things will never get better, you name it. I know probably about 95% of my thoughts/feelings aren't rational, but I just feel totally powerless and I know deep down that I'm not just "shy" (as most people describe me). I've been told my whole life that I'll "grow out of it" or I'll "come out of my shell" if I just "put myself out there" (ughh... I really hate that phrase).
So, right now I have one friend who really truly understands my issues (which I am reeeeally thankful for because I don't know where I'd be without him). But when I'm here at school (I usually go home every weekend because I really can't stand being here) I will go days without talking to a single person, not even my roommate. It’s hard for me to even walk down the hallway to the bathroom because I’m terrified that I’ll see someone I know and have to say hi (sounds so dumb when I say that out loud/in my head lol). And using the sink is the worst because people will stand at the sink next to you and you feel like they’re analyzing your every move. I usually eat dinner alone, or if I'm with my roommate and her boyfriend I'll sit there uncomfortably, usually completely silent. I can't imagine how strange it must be for people to interact (or try to interact) with me. I think that's what stresses me out the most... just imagining how awkward and unconfident I must look to them. I really shouldn't care, but I digress. Sometimes I feel like I really just don't understand people my age. I don't get the appeal of parties and going out, and don't even get me started on dating... that's just totally out of the question for me. I'd much rather stay in my little bubble and watch tv or even do homework (getting good grades is pretty much the only advantage I've experienced from being socially anxious lol).
Last year I finally got the courage to talk to the school counselor/therapist, but I really didn't find it very helpful and stopped going (without explaining it to her of course because I avoid confrontation/conversation like the plague!). I just felt like she really didn't understand where I was coming from and was just expecting me to "snap out of it" or something. It's NOT THAT EASY!
But I know I need to do something about it, and I think this is a good first step. I'm going to be graduating soon (in December
) and I'm completely terrified at the thought of going on interviews for jobs or going on to graduate school where the social demands would only get worse. I don't even really want to go to graduate school or follow the "normal" plan of life that everyone expects of you... the only thing that matters to me is being able to help people. That's all I've ever wanted to do with my life and I don't think that fancy degrees or high paying jobs are going to make me happy. But I can't seem to find the confidence to do what I wanna do with my life or to really make a difference. I just feel so insignificant and my social anxiety is really keeping me from living the kind of life I want to live. Sorry to get all philosophical on you. I tend to think waaaay too much.
Anyways, I look forward to getting to know you all and hopefully we can help each other cope with this frustrating thing! And sorry for my lengthy post (if I was talking to you face to face I wouldn’t be able to come up with a single comprehensible SENTENCE! lol)
PS – Does anyone ever worry that someone you know will see your post and realize it’s you? (maybe I’m just being paranoid as usual :

I'm 20 years old, in my third year of college (a psychology major as I've noticed many people on here are, which I think is very funny/interesting lol). I can't really remember when my social anxiety started, but I know it has gotten sooo much worse since I went away to college. In middle school I had lots of friends but I really prided myself on being different from the "popular" crowd. I had so much more confidence back then. I guess I started becoming more self-conscious in high school and just started clamming up in social situations and totally shutting myself off to other people besides my family (although I'm not totally open with them either). Now it's to the point where I can't even raise my hand in class or give a presentation, much less try to talk to people at my school. I think half the battle is the physical anxiety that just overwhelms me in social situations... I'm sure you all know the feeling.
I have to laugh at my whole situation sometimes because I'll leave my Psychotherapy class (after just learning about cognitive distortions, etc.) and immediately start analyzing the awkward conversation I had with the girl sitting next to me or the "failed" presentation I gave that day, making overgeneralizations, maximizing my mistakes, telling myself things will never get better, you name it. I know probably about 95% of my thoughts/feelings aren't rational, but I just feel totally powerless and I know deep down that I'm not just "shy" (as most people describe me). I've been told my whole life that I'll "grow out of it" or I'll "come out of my shell" if I just "put myself out there" (ughh... I really hate that phrase).
So, right now I have one friend who really truly understands my issues (which I am reeeeally thankful for because I don't know where I'd be without him). But when I'm here at school (I usually go home every weekend because I really can't stand being here) I will go days without talking to a single person, not even my roommate. It’s hard for me to even walk down the hallway to the bathroom because I’m terrified that I’ll see someone I know and have to say hi (sounds so dumb when I say that out loud/in my head lol). And using the sink is the worst because people will stand at the sink next to you and you feel like they’re analyzing your every move. I usually eat dinner alone, or if I'm with my roommate and her boyfriend I'll sit there uncomfortably, usually completely silent. I can't imagine how strange it must be for people to interact (or try to interact) with me. I think that's what stresses me out the most... just imagining how awkward and unconfident I must look to them. I really shouldn't care, but I digress. Sometimes I feel like I really just don't understand people my age. I don't get the appeal of parties and going out, and don't even get me started on dating... that's just totally out of the question for me. I'd much rather stay in my little bubble and watch tv or even do homework (getting good grades is pretty much the only advantage I've experienced from being socially anxious lol).
Last year I finally got the courage to talk to the school counselor/therapist, but I really didn't find it very helpful and stopped going (without explaining it to her of course because I avoid confrontation/conversation like the plague!). I just felt like she really didn't understand where I was coming from and was just expecting me to "snap out of it" or something. It's NOT THAT EASY!
But I know I need to do something about it, and I think this is a good first step. I'm going to be graduating soon (in December
Anyways, I look forward to getting to know you all and hopefully we can help each other cope with this frustrating thing! And sorry for my lengthy post (if I was talking to you face to face I wouldn’t be able to come up with a single comprehensible SENTENCE! lol)
PS – Does anyone ever worry that someone you know will see your post and realize it’s you? (maybe I’m just being paranoid as usual :