Feeling sad after a webcam relationship ends - and surprised by the feelings

J

JJLT

Member
I had an experience lately that I wanted to share with some people. I have SA, which only makes what has happened worse, but I was hoping maybe some people on here could relate.

About 10 weeks ago, I met a woman on a cam-chat website. She lives in Thailand, I live in the U.S. We hit it off really well and started chatting via cam regularly, often for hours. After a couple of weeks, we both started to really feel a connection. We are both in our 30's, both have successful careers, and both of us are fairly attached to our home countries because of family and careers.

After a few weeks, I started to realize this innocent online relationship was starting to get too serious. She started seeing me more as a potential boyfriend and husband, rather than someone to kill time with. Problem is, by this point, I knew it was going to be hard to end this. I knew she would be hurt, and I would be hurt. So I kept talking to her. And if she brought up the subject of us maybe meeting one day, I told her "maybe we will, you never know".

So last night, she brought up how difficult she thought it would be for us to ever be married. But said she would 'wait for me' if I tried harder to meet her. At this point I knew I needed to stop this. I didn't want her to waste time 'waiting' for me, hoping that someday it would work out. So I told her not to wait. And she started crying. She was understanding, but she took it really hard. I have to say I did too, it was tough.

I had been through a real life breakup, after a real relationship of three years, but never an online cam-chat breakup. I'm writing this thread because it took me off guard...how close I got to her and she to me. And how much it hurt. Not as much as the real life break up. But...it still really hurts. I feel horrible.

I guess I'm writing this to relate to others, but also to warn others to be careful. When you are on a cam, and you see a person, and talk with them for hours, you really can develop feelings. Remember they are a real person, and you might be suprised how the both of you can feel.

I still feel really bad, but I think I learned to be more careful.

EDIT: She told me tonight that she can't bear to chat with me ever again or see my status online. I really fee like crap now.
 
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S

Silvox Black

Well-known member
Well I certainly hope that you two will both recover from the experience. I assume that you have never had such a relationship before, other wise you would have recognized and been able to prevent what occurred?
 
F

FOR REAL

Banned
oh ****!!! i hate to ask, did you ever speak to her on the phone, did she ever send you stuff through the post?
about a year ago, i had a similar experience, she used to phone me up in the uk from malaysia, howling and crying down the phone, and she used to send me loads of stuff through the post (mail)
on the day she was meant to meet me, she didnt turn up, and she made the excuse of being mugged at some airport in malaysia, which was all bull****!
to this day, i dont know what she wanted, cause it wasnt a green card (if it was she would have turned up here) and it wasnt money (cause i dont have any)

im not trying to say this girl youve met online is the same. i would just be careful, thats all.

EDIT: She told me tonight that she can't bear to chat with me ever again or see my status online. I really fee like crap now.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i think in my experience, shes looking for attension
 
J

JJLT

Member
FOR REAL said:
oh ****!!! i hate to ask, did you ever speak to her on the phone, did she ever send you stuff through the post?
about a year ago, i had a similar experience, she used to phone me up in the uk from malaysia, howling and crying down the phone, and she used to send me loads of stuff through the post (mail)
on the day she was meant to meet me, she didnt turn up, and she made the excuse of being mugged at some airport in malaysia, which was all bull****!
to this day, i dont know what she wanted, cause it wasnt a green card (if it was she would have turned up here) and it wasnt money (cause i dont have any)

im not trying to say this girl youve met online is the same. i would just be careful, thats all.


i think in my experience, shes looking for attension
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No. I knew I would probably get some skepticle responses when I wrote that she's from Thailand. Because I've come across some women such as you speak. It's very common in the Phillippines as well. But I've learned enough over the past couple of years to know what to look for when it comes to scams. This girl was not looking for anything from me. She has a great job over there as a designer, makes more money than I do, and has no desire to leave (not looking for a greencard).
 
K

Krista

Well-known member
JJLT said:
I had an experience lately that I wanted to share with some people. I have SA, which only makes what has happened worse, but I was hoping maybe some people on here could relate.

About 10 weeks ago, I met a woman on a cam-chat website. She lives in Thailand, I live in the U.S. We hit it off really well and started chatting via cam regularly, often for hours. After a couple of weeks, we both started to really feel a connection. We are both in our 30's, both have successful careers, and both of us are fairly attached to our home countries because of family and careers.

After a few weeks, I started to realize this innocent online relationship was starting to get too serious. She started seeing me more as a potential boyfriend and husband, rather than someone to kill time with. Problem is, by this point, I knew it was going to be hard to end this. I knew she would be hurt, and I would be hurt. So I kept talking to her. And if she brought up the subject of us maybe meeting one day, I told her "maybe we will, you never know".

So last night, she brought up how difficult she thought it would be for us to ever be married. But said she would 'wait for me' if I tried harder to meet her. At this point I knew I needed to stop this. I didn't want her to waste time 'waiting' for me, hoping that someday it would work out. So I told her not to wait. And she started crying. She was understanding, but she took it really hard. I have to say I did too, it was tough.

I had been through a real life breakup, after a real relationship of three years, but never an online cam-chat breakup. I'm writing this thread because it took me off guard...how close I got to her and she to me. And how much it hurt. Not as much as the real life break up. But...it still really hurts. I feel horrible.

I guess I'm writing this to relate to others, but also to warn others to be careful. When you are on a cam, and you see a person, and talk with them for hours, you really can develop feelings. Remember they are a real person, and you might be suprised how the both of you can feel.

I still feel really bad, but I think I learned to be more careful.

EDIT: She told me tonight that she can't bear to chat with me ever again or see my status online. I really fee like crap now.
Click to expand...

We can have a nice long lengthy chat since we were pretty much in the same boat.
 
illuminationSP

illuminationSP

1
I can definitely relate to this. Really strikes a chord, especially at this moment. I think someone actually forgot I was a real person, though.
 
Nicholas

Nicholas

Well-known member
Dude, I'll tell ya: be careful with online relationships. I had lots of problems, but now I hope I've learned my lesson: online relationships are a psychological suicide. UNLESS you meet in real life too and see each other in person regularly, virtual relationships will lead to lots of trouble sooner or later.
You idealize each other, everything is in your mind, and nothing is "real". It's a problem because you can really get to love someone you met online and never met in real life. But then everything becomes "obsessive", and in the end every psychological problem gets amplified compared to the problems you would face in real life.
 
J

JJLT

Member
Nicholas said:
Dude, I'll tell ya: be careful with online relationships. I had lots of problems, but now I hope I've learned my lesson: online relationships are a psychological suicide. UNLESS you meet in real life too and see each other in person regularly, virtual relationships will lead to lots of trouble sooner or later.
You idealize each other, everything is in your mind, and nothing is "real". It's a problem because you can really get to love someone you met online and never met in real life. But then everything becomes "obsessive", and in the end every psychological problem gets amplified compared to the problems you would face in real life.
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Good points. But I wouldn't say nothing is real. Perhaps if you are just text chatting with the person, with nothing else to go on but a still picture. But I think webcams/microphones take it up to another level. They fill in a lot of the missing gaps, as you can see the other persons reactions, and have a real converstion with them.

But, I understand what you're saying. Even over the internet, there are still MANY missing pieces to the perception you have of someone.

I think a lot of my pain these past couple of days comes from seeing her so devastated. I like her, she touched me in many ways, and I feel sad from a possible missed opportunity with her. But, a lot of my pain comes from knowing she's in pain. And if she had had a less painful reaction to breaking up, then I think I would be feeling better as well.
 
Nicholas

Nicholas

Well-known member
JJLT said:
Good points. But I wouldn't say nothing is real. Perhaps if you are just text chatting with the person, with nothing else to go on but a still picture. But I think webcams/microphones take it up to another level.
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It's not that it isn't real... it's just that it isn't real enough. I mean, it's very easy to idealize someone we only know online, and the biggest problem is the fact that they aren't with us physically. Yes, you can chat, but that's it. You can't share anything in real life, you can't even go for a walk, you can't even watch a movie together in the living room, you know what I mean? It's not even about sex or not even a hug, it's really about doing things together and share something, anything fun together, anything better than staying in front of the computer, you know.

I think that if you don't share anything in real life, soon you might feel some pressure, feel uncomfortable, and possibly start to idealize even more, somehow. I had those kinds of problems, I know what I'm talking about.

So I am not convinced that if I ever found a good friend or a potential girlfriend on the net, I would need to meet her before it's too late, and maybe find a way to see each other regularly. Of course you'll understand this is a goddam huge problem if you are thousands of miles apart. ::(:

Talk to her, tell her she needs to understand these problems, tell her you are terribly sorry... and good luck man.
 
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J

JJLT

Member
Nicholas said:
It's not that it isn't real... it's just that it isn't real enough. I mean, it's very easy to idealize someone we only know online, and the biggest problem is the fact that they aren't with us physically. Yes, you can chat, but that's it. You can't share anything in real life, you can't even go for a walk, you can't even watch a movie together in the living room, you know what I mean? It's not even about sex or not even a hug, it's really about doing things together and share something, anything fun together, anything better than staying in front of the computer, you know.

I think that if you don't share anything in real life, soon you might feel some pressure, feel uncomfortable, and possibly start to idealize even more, somehow. I had those kinds of problems, I know what I'm talking about.

So I am not convinced that if I ever found a good friend or a potential girlfriend on the net, I would need to meet her before it's too late, and maybe find a way to see each other regularly. Of course you'll understand this is a goddam huge problem if you are thousands of miles apart. ::(:

Talk to her, tell her she needs to understand these problems, tell her you are terribly sorry... and good luck man.
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Thanks man, I appreciate your thoughts. I understand what you're saying. There are many many components of a relationship that are left out when you are just communicating through a cam. Such as, how she conducts herself around other people, little habits that I might be unaware of, what types of things she really enjoys doing, how much would she really commit to a relationship, does she get moody, is she rational about things....etc. etc. etc. It's true.

And in this particular situation, its not just the unknowns that make it so hard. Thailand is a developing, poor country. It's culture is much different that the United States. For an American to move there, especially one with SA, it would be a major adjustment. Practical? Probably not. Plus, I don't want to spend the rest of my life there. As for her....her English is very poor, and she has said she doesn't want to leave. She has a thriving design business there. So, that leaves an internet based marriage with occassional real life visits. I have zero interest in that scenerio.

But I will say, I did get to know her fairly well. And she, like many woman in that part of the world, is very kind and sweet. I know this sounds cheesy, but she really touched my life in some way I've never felt before. For instance, on my birthday, she bought a little cake, put a candle in it...when I turned her cam on, she was there in the dark with the cake and candle....told me to make a wish. No one has ever done something like that for me.

Anyhow, sorry to write so much here. Unfortanately I can't talk to her any more. We discussed many of these things over the past month. And out of respect to her, I promised I would stay away to let her get over the situation. She told me she's not mad, she understands. But, it sucks. Because I feel bad that she hurts, and I have this nagging thought that I'm letting a good one get away.
 
J

JJLT

Member
inspirer said:
I went through a similar situation a few years back, but mine was just through chat messanger and pictures. The thing was she was 15 years older than me and lived much farther away also.
She's going to be dissappointed for a little while, but it will subside soon. As long as you weren't a jerk or something, then hopefully the situation will be understandable and both will get over it eventually.
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Yeah man I hope so. I wasn't a jerk or anything. We left it on good terms. She said she understands the impossibility of it all. It's just tough. I keep trying to tell myself that "its foolish to get so emotionally down about a 10-week cam-relationship". But it is what it is, no thought seems to take the edge off of this, hopefully time will though.
 
spect01

spect01

Well-known member
On the other hand, finding a relationship on one of those dating websites with someone who lives in the same city is a totally different story, I could see something like that working out but thousands of miles away unless you are like a millionaire or something and you have no problem discarding your current life for a new one is a big step. It's really easy for an SA'er to get inolved with this type of thing because online we act more social but in real life you can find out that you aren't really compatible.
 
J

JJLT

Member
stranger25 said:
On the other hand, finding a relationship on one of those dating websites with someone who lives in the same city is a totally different story, I could see something like that working out but thousands of miles away unless you are like a millionaire or something and you have no problem discarding your current life for a new one is a big step. It's really easy for an SA'er to get inolved with this type of thing because online we act more social but in real life you can find out that you aren't really compatible.
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That's the big problem, discarding my current life, or her discarding her current life....doesn't seem like a very healthy thing to do.
 
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