Dark angel
Well-known member
I have this best friend whom I love since we shared a great part of our childhood together. We met in school in 6th grade and since there we've been inseparable. We went through a lot of thing together in school, we were bullied by those in our classroom and students in other grades every single day because we were overweight(in my case they used to make fun of me also because of i'm black). We also used to cut our arms because of those painful events among other stuff. Her family adores me and so does my family with her. Almost a year ago she told me that she was planning on having bariatric surgery and that she was thinking about it very seriously. As a friend, I told her do whatever makes you happy because at the time she was in a relationship where she used to cry every single day. I didn't like what I saw, she was a whole different person from what she used to be. I thought the surgery would help her to motivate her to move on and have a better autoesteem. But something in my head was telling me, "don't give her that advice, don't do it".
I've never been the envious type so I ignore those thoughts and I support her through the whole process at the beginning. Her entire family was against this surgery because of the risks that it involved but I told her that, if that was what she wanted she had my support despite her family dissaproval. But something in my head shifted because I felt that she was sort of leaving me behind. After she had that surgery 6 months ago,I got a little bit distant and more and more involved in my school work so I could drown those awful thoughts.
Eventually, she met another guy that she presented to me at a birthday party. Time went by and we didn't talk that much like we used to but it turns out that the guy she was going out with, was hell for her because he made her go through a lot of things including, beating her and oblige her to use drugs!!! I felt so guilty when her family contact me and told me everything that was happening.They told me that her other friends also got distant from her. In a way, I felt like she went through all of this because of me getting away because I was the one that used to keep her grounded, I was sort of like a voice of reason. I didn't mean to abandoned her like that but I was feeling envious of the new life that she would began and I didn't want to hurt her with these feeling of mine and I didn't want to feel the pain of comparing myself to her.
Thanks to God that guy is a blast from the past now, but I'm more distant that ever because I feel so inferior to her because she looks better now and I'm all miserable because I'm still the same and not changing, not moving forward. I don't want to feel threatened by her and the worst part of it all is that she's starting to notice that something has changed between us. All I say is that I'm very busy with school work and can't visit her to her house. We still talk but only by the phone and I do miss her. I feel like an awful human being because I used to criticize those who felt envy toward others and now I'm in that position. Is not a nice feeling and definitely is not something that I want to feel for someone who is very important for me. I need an advice on wether or not I should talk to my therapist about this but he has such a nice vision of who I am. Also I was thinking to tell my friend the truth but I don't know about that one. She'll think i'm a horrible person but I'm not. I really need to cope with this feelings somehow because I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts because I feel awful. What do you guys think I should do?
I've never been the envious type so I ignore those thoughts and I support her through the whole process at the beginning. Her entire family was against this surgery because of the risks that it involved but I told her that, if that was what she wanted she had my support despite her family dissaproval. But something in my head shifted because I felt that she was sort of leaving me behind. After she had that surgery 6 months ago,I got a little bit distant and more and more involved in my school work so I could drown those awful thoughts.
Eventually, she met another guy that she presented to me at a birthday party. Time went by and we didn't talk that much like we used to but it turns out that the guy she was going out with, was hell for her because he made her go through a lot of things including, beating her and oblige her to use drugs!!! I felt so guilty when her family contact me and told me everything that was happening.They told me that her other friends also got distant from her. In a way, I felt like she went through all of this because of me getting away because I was the one that used to keep her grounded, I was sort of like a voice of reason. I didn't mean to abandoned her like that but I was feeling envious of the new life that she would began and I didn't want to hurt her with these feeling of mine and I didn't want to feel the pain of comparing myself to her.
Thanks to God that guy is a blast from the past now, but I'm more distant that ever because I feel so inferior to her because she looks better now and I'm all miserable because I'm still the same and not changing, not moving forward. I don't want to feel threatened by her and the worst part of it all is that she's starting to notice that something has changed between us. All I say is that I'm very busy with school work and can't visit her to her house. We still talk but only by the phone and I do miss her. I feel like an awful human being because I used to criticize those who felt envy toward others and now I'm in that position. Is not a nice feeling and definitely is not something that I want to feel for someone who is very important for me. I need an advice on wether or not I should talk to my therapist about this but he has such a nice vision of who I am. Also I was thinking to tell my friend the truth but I don't know about that one. She'll think i'm a horrible person but I'm not. I really need to cope with this feelings somehow because I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts because I feel awful. What do you guys think I should do?