Fake it until you make it

[Shift]

My new therapist brought this up and I have a difficult time understanding the concept. It's something my old therapist talked about too, except she called it "acting as if" because you are supposed to act like you would if you didn't have any anxiety.

It's just hard because I feel like if I knew how to fake being social, then I'd already be doing it and I wouldn't even have a problem. But I just don't know what to do or how to act.



Anyone have any tips for acting "normal?"

 

[coyote]

Ask yourself, "What would a normal person do in this situation?" and then do that.

If you do it long enough, maybe it'll become habit, and you won't even have to think about it anymore. It only takes something like 21 days to form a new habit - or break an old one.



(And before anyone says, "yeah, but..." - this same technique is taught in many 12-step programs, and has been proven to work for millions of people.)

 

[Sial Axetder]

Ask yourself, "What would a normal person do in this situation?" and then do that.

If you do it long enough, maybe it'll become habit, and you won't even have to think about it anymore. It only takes something like 21 days to form a new habit - or break an old one.



(And before anyone says, "yeah, but..." - this same technique is taught in many 12-step programs, and has been proven to work for millions of people.)

21 days, eh. I am curious about that.

I suppose this works, "what a normal person would?" I don't ask that. I just do.

 

[Feathers]

Well, observe other people you admire or care about.. what do you like about what they do and how do they do it? (body language, approach, tone of voice...)

Also, how would you like to be approached - this works sometimes too.. (different people may like different approaches though, some basic principles remain - like admire what you genuinely like, try to find coomon topics/interests etc.)

'Just do' is really good advice too - just approach and ask, thinking about task/other person/topic... (remove focus from yourself)

Sometimes it can be even sweet if you acknowledge it - when a friend said, 'I'm very shy' she got herself a friend for life (me)
Another person said at a course: 'I'll go first cause I'm trying to beat social phobia' and I was 'WOW!!' It was really brave... (I've never dared to do it, it can be done well, depends on the situation/context and people too.. sometimes it's better to 'just pretend' as if this is normal (even if you feel it's not..) just go about your business and be aware other people may be even more shy or preoccupied with their own thoughts!!

 

[GoBlue72]

My new therapist brought this up and I have a difficult time understanding the concept. It's something my old therapist talked about too, except she called it "acting as if" because you are supposed to act like you would if you didn't have any anxiety.

It's just hard because I feel like if I knew how to fake being social, then I'd already be doing it and I wouldn't even have a problem. But I just don't know what to do or how to act.



Anyone have any tips for acting "normal?"

Haha. This made me smile, 'cuz my therapist would say it frequently when I saw her. I understood what she meant perfectly, but in my case I felt just like you. A)I'm smart enough to know about faking confidence, etc.... and B)If I was able to do it consistently and well, I probably wouldn't be talking to you. Seems like we're missing a few steps in between, ala "how can I accomplish the task"?

I think people already gave a good hint: watch others to see what they do/i.e. try to fit in. What about approaching it like it was an acting role in a play or movie? You are playing the part of a confident version of yourself. I find it difficult as well, because i dislike when people are "fake", and even faking something for my own good makes me feel like I'm lying. However, it's like "taking one for the team": briefly letting yourself go against how you feel, in order to obtain a goal. Hope this helps a bit...

 

[Shift]

@coyote: I guess, I mostly struggle with answering the "what would a normal person do in this situation?" question... I don't know how normal people think. Haha.

@Feathers: Thanks for the advice I really need to work on just doing... I usually hesitate, and then start worrying and then I feel like it's too late for me to react.

@GoBlue72: It's good to know someone else feels the same way I do about this.

I am a terrible liar, so I think acting is pretty similar to that... But I think approaching it as being a more confident version of myself might help. I'll try to keep that in mind tomorrow night when I go out.

 

[kihira]

Ditto what feathers says about watching what other people do, typically there will be several different ways, so I will observe different people and copy the way that appeals the most

 

[philly2bits]

Ask yourself, "What would a normal person do in this situation?" and then do that.

If you do it long enough, maybe it'll become habit, and you won't even have to think about it anymore. It only takes something like 21 days to form a new habit - or break an old one.



(And before anyone says, "yeah, but..." - this same technique is taught in many 12-step programs, and has been proven to work for millions of people.)

Yeah, but asking yourself "what would a normal person do" and doing it is too vague to be of help. Do you have a link to a book or some other source that could be used to help put this into action?

 

[Kiwong]

Somehow the trick is to relax, and be mindful, live in the moment. I think meditation can help reach that state. I reckon acting and faking is not the go, people will pick up on it. Practising relaxed conversation with people you strust sounds like a better option.

 

[CosmicNeurotica]

Being social is an art.
It's just that most people have mastered the art, and it becomes a part of who you are.

 

[Minty]

@coyote: I guess, I mostly struggle with answering the "what would a normal person do in this situation?" question... I don't know how normal people think. Haha.

Same here. It's almost as if...normal people don't think at all. Like they're meditating and their brains are in a calm, relaxed state. You know how when you meditate, you become connected to your environment? I feel like people are much more connected than I am. They don't question anything, they just intuitively know what to do in a social situation. We're outsiders, totally not connected at all. That's why we see things from a third person view and it's awkward.

 

[killertubbie]

I do all the times and I understand it's a burden. Imagines yourself as an actor...

 

[Ledvedder74]

The thing with me is, I have been "faking it" for years, and all that does is put other people at ease... but I still feel anxious and nervous inside, and almost even worse because I'm being something I'm not. And then I hate myself for having to act fake all the time, when it is not really who I am.
And when I suddenly quit a job (again), people are even more surprised because they thought I was fine...

 

[da_illest101]

I tried that before, it only made me more uncomfortable in my own skin. Like who I'm is not good enough so I have to fake it.

I don't try anymore to be someone i'm not.