FriendlyShadow
Well-known member
You can't have light without dark.... I'm still waiting to see the light...
Expressions you get tired of hearing
- Thread starter FriendlyShadow
- Start date
FriendlyShadow
Well-known member
Keep talking soft platitudes.
PugofCrydee
You want to know how I got these scars?
"Hi, how are you?'
(Don't even pretend you actually care how I am)
(Don't even pretend you actually care how I am)
FriendlyShadow
Well-known member
Yeah, or are you feeling ok? I always hate answering yes when I'm really not.
FriendlyShadow
Well-known member
I'm really proud of you for not cutting yourself, it means you're a strong person. No, stagnating through life does not make me strong. It's nothing to be proud of either. I'm still suffering tremendously and I'm afraid it'll never end...
FriendlyShadow
Well-known member
Moving out can be stressful... said to me after I tell people my parents and I are planning on moving out again. Well, it was really my parents decision. I was bawling my eyes out when my dad broke the news to me... and it's only been a year since we lived in this house. I don't think people truly realize how much strain that puts on someone. They tell me it probably won't be so bad. Pfft! That's just a guess.
When we first moved, I'd literally came home from work everyday having to help my parents get the house ready to be sold, which means tearing down wallpaper for 7 hours, sweeping every room in the house, literally throwing away old notebook papers, pulling weeds (that means even after we moved into our new house, almost every week we'd have to drive an hour to the other to pull weeds and also pull weeds at our new house), going through clothes, packing, unpacking at the new house, ect. THAT WAS HELL FOR ME! Not only that, but it literally took a year to get the old house sold.
Now imagine being told a year later "Well, I think it's time for us to move again." I mean it's not that I didn't help my parents, but That was absolutely crushing for me to hear. Who wouldn't be upset? (Ok, I'll stop ranting now.)
When we first moved, I'd literally came home from work everyday having to help my parents get the house ready to be sold, which means tearing down wallpaper for 7 hours, sweeping every room in the house, literally throwing away old notebook papers, pulling weeds (that means even after we moved into our new house, almost every week we'd have to drive an hour to the other to pull weeds and also pull weeds at our new house), going through clothes, packing, unpacking at the new house, ect. THAT WAS HELL FOR ME! Not only that, but it literally took a year to get the old house sold.
Now imagine being told a year later "Well, I think it's time for us to move again." I mean it's not that I didn't help my parents, but That was absolutely crushing for me to hear. Who wouldn't be upset? (Ok, I'll stop ranting now.)
Last edited:
Phoenixx
Well-known member
Moving out IS stressful, and it's even more stressful when you have another property to care for until it's sold. I'm in the process of that right now. We moved nearly a month ago and within that time my husband has been working long hours away from home, either coming home late or not at all (depending on where his job sends him), meanwhile I've had to do ALL the unpacking and organizing plus now taking care of my mother since she had surgery. I've also been handling all the insurance paperwork and anything received from the realtor regarding the other house. On top of that any other daily chores. I'm basically a secretary, a maid, and a nurse's aid right now. I'm thankfully not working a job in the middle of all this chaos, but I'm dying to get out and get my career started. But honestly, I probably shouldn't be complaining entirely because this technically is what my husband and I wanted. I guess I greatly underestimated how freaking stressful it would actually be.
FriendlyShadow
Well-known member
I guess it's just I'm still so young and I've literally been doing so many favors for other people my whole life that I never get a chance to enjoy anything. Is it normal to have this much pressure/responsibility on a 22 year old? I have to babysit kids over night(especially when they're sick), tolerate certain family members who put me down, being told at work how tired I look, people making jokes about me being a slave and it hurts me, being exposed to my parent's arguments frequently, being expected to give back rubs to a certain family member almost everyday for 4-5 hours when I didn't want to at times... and so much more. My WHOLE life has been revolved around cleaning. And believe it or not, someone did tell me I need a life. It's true.
I'm not saying those responsibilities aren't important, but THIS is what I've dealt with for years and I almost wanna cry when someone asks me if I'm doing anything with friends everytime I go out in public. I don't have any. That's what I mean about being a caretaker. The people who tell moving won't be as bad as you think have no idea. My mom will have me working hard all day and night like the examples I mentioned in my previous post. I wanna ba able to take care of me too.
Last edited:
Phoenixx
Well-known member
That's a lot to handle at 22 and I can definitely see why you feel bad. I had similar experiences even in my teens. Dealing constantly with family members putting me down on top of the regular stresses of school and getting bullied there too, just minus the babysitting and having to do everything for everyone else. Now the tables have turned slightly for me. I don't deal with the bullying anymore but the expectations certainly. Like I said I feel like a maid at times and it makes me want to rip my hair out. You don't have time to care for yourself when you're answering everyone else's demands.
FriendlyShadow
Well-known member
Plus, the lack of affection too. Imagine going years without having physical touch. I'm talking about hugs, massages , ect. I never thought much about it growing up.
Perhaps I wouldn't be bothered by it too much if only I didn't get treated like dirt all the time when I put so much effort to help these people. I've broken down in tears infront of a few of my therapist.
I was trying my hardest to explain my feelings in a way they could understand, that I felt like I was wasting my life away. They answer me with either "Okay." or they give me uncomfortable smiles. Actually, one of them looked disinterested no matter what I had to say and I'm still seeing her. She usually reassures me that "My parents care." But that's not the point. I shouldn't have to be taking on everyone's responsibilities all my life because I have my own needs too... and they're just as important as everyone elses. The thing is, they NEVER get met.
I wouldn't not help someone if they needed it, but I've been so forgiving and hard working and it's taking a huge toll on my body. Literally. I can't explain it. I realize that some people don't know what to say to someone when they're on the verge of tears. It makes me feel hopeless though ... just sitting there crying and no one knows how much pain you're in and that's the reaction you expect to get.... you can't help but feel like you deserve this to happen to you. The whole time I'm in therapy, whether I'm discussing my problems or crying about them and the more my concerns get brushed off, I feel like I'm digging myself deeper into a hole I'll never climb out of. Is it even worth saying anything at all? I know what they're answer will be anyways.
FriendlyShadow
Well-known member
In fact, I told one of my therapists how depressed I was that I had no friends and all she said was "Okay." I sometimes feel like giving up. What's the point? 
Phoenixx
Well-known member
I know the feeling. I never realized how much that messes you up until I started spending more time with other friends' families and seeing how affectionate they were. My parents were never the hugging or kissing type. Rarely did I ever get either from my parents. They never said "I love you" either. Once I started spending time with friends and their families I started longing for those relationships I never had. In certain social situations and relationships where some form of affection is expected, I often found myself closed off and not knowing what to do or what to say despite wanting to be affectionate somehow and showing someone I cared. It took a while for me to learn those social cues. Hell, I'm not perfect and I'm still a standoffish person. I'm just a bit better at it than I was before.
I'm sorry you're having no luck with your therapists. I haven't had much luck either with therapy in the past, and it didn't come down to lack of interest for me. My last one seemed judgmental and I'm glad I stopped going to her, mainly because she moved too and I just didn't bother with another.
As for my needs, I found that as long as I lived at my parents', none of them would ever get met. As long as I lived there, I was just submerged in a toxic environment and nothing would ever change. You can't heal in a toxic environment and that realization was my breaking point. I had to leave in order to find myself really. I ended up going back to school and moving to a new city I never visited before. I was so scared, but so determined to move to somewhere brand new entirely on my own just to figure it all out. While I had a plan, I was just flat-out freaking lucky I was able to get the opportunity, in addition to meeting someone to help and join me too.
I hope you're able to find an opportunity to heal yourself. I completely understand how painful it is to not have your needs met while still enduring a toxic environment.
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
You will be free one day, I promise. I also have family that used me. My mother used me financially and I based my whole life around helping her mental illnesses, until one day when we were evicted because I couldn't cover her rent anymore. My life too revolved around the needs of others, and I became a codependent thinker, still am to this day. But you will break free, you're so young. I was 22 in that situation, now i'm 26 and after that eviction and all, i'm able now to focus on myself for the first time, it's actually scary but exciting. My point is that you're so young, it will happen, it's karma., Please keep expressing yourself, it seems like it may help you. Isolated here, too, and that is the first step to everything.
DeadmanWalking
Well-known member
You know, it hurts my heart to see those words, to know how you feel. I think it's, not only out of sympathy and empathy, but also because those words are similar to my experience. Most people don't really touch me; mostly, I'm just ignored (It's partially how I came up with the nickname I used when I was little: Shadow). I try smiling at people but they either look away or don't respond at all. There are days where I'm terribly lonely, where I have to imagine what being held and touched would be like to myself or read/watch romantic scenes to at least get some sort of idea of what affection would be like to past the loneliness. So, I think I can understand your pains and why it hurts to see you like that.
But, you know, you need to take care of yourself and see that your own needs are met. I tried to meet everyone else's needs before and make sure everyone was happy. In the end, I just burned out and got tired of people in general. As bad a situation as that might be, I learned that I really do need to look after myself (although, I'm still trying to get past being burnt out). If you keep neglecting yourself, resentment and anger will build inside you and it'll find its way out. So, please, don't neglect yourself. Don't be afraid to say "No" to some people and focus on yourself. Especially if you're starting to feel actual negative side-effects. Express yourself and make yourself and your needs known. You're not an object to be used; you're a human being, like anyone else, deserving of respect and love. Don't let anyone try to bully you or push you down, to try to make you feel like you're being unreasonable or selfish for wanting your needs met.
I'm not really sure if your therapist is working out for you, based on what you said. I'm not sure if they're confused as to what to say, intentionally flippant, or if they genuinely believe they're helping you. Either way, no help is better than bad help, in this situation. It just sounds like they're exacerbating the problem. You may need to get another one or look at another company or you could try to explain your feelings to them. But, the fact that you're seeking help and expressing your thoughts is the first step to getting past it all. You can beat this.
PugofCrydee
You want to know how I got these scars?
But Friendly.. I'm your friendIn fact, I told one of my therapists how depressed I was that I had no friends and all she said was "Okay." I sometimes feel like giving up. What's the point?
FriendlyShadow
Well-known member
Speaking of my therapists,(maybe I'm deluded), I get the feeling that they underestimate my issues as well. An example would be my mother.
I know I said that my family isn't emotionally supportive, though for the past 5 or 6 years now, my mom has been having horrible night terrors. I hear her screaming upstairs at the top of her lungs and sometimes she'll even rush down the stairs in the dark shouting for help! This will usually last for 2-3 minutes until my Dad calms her down and then she goes right back to bed after that. It happens a couple days a week, sometimes she'll have another night terror in the same night. I say this with deep concern because she still is my mother. Some of my therapists want me to "tune it out" when she has these nightmares. I tell them that a problem like this shouldn't be ignored and needs to be addressed.
I told them how worried I am when she rushes down the steps at night because she could slip and break her bones or have a head concussion, especially when she's still in stuck in sleep paralysis mode(we have wooden steps by the way)... But they keep telling me "There's nothing I can do." or "Why do you take on her problems?
Life will go on." The other thing is they want me to just use coping skills to get through it... ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME???
This has to be a joke! They're not concerned at all! Would it not worry anyone if they had a parent who wakes up in the middle of the night 2-3 times a week screaming and running down the steps? I don't get it, why don't they see the problem??
Am I wrong for thinking about what's gonna happen to her if this goes on? Just because she hasn't fallen down the steps now doesn't mean this still isn't an issue.
It's just one more thing that adds up to list. They don't realize how severe this problem really is and it sounds more like they ALREADY want me to avoid an issue that will get worse over time. I'm just sitting there in disbelief... why would you tell me to "cope" with something as serious such as this? I get that not everyone knows what to say, but that just blows my mind.
To even ask me why that bothers me ... because that's my parent and it's very anxiety inducing to hear her screaming upstairs. How can you be ok living with that? Or accepting it? That's avoidance coping. I keep wondering if I'm going crazy whenever my therapists give this kind of "advice". Am I missing something? Should I just go along with what they say? Or are they just ignorant?
Honestly, something feels very wrong about the way they respond to my problems and how they tell me to handle them. If anyone has had similar experiences with therapists, do share.
I know I said that my family isn't emotionally supportive, though for the past 5 or 6 years now, my mom has been having horrible night terrors. I hear her screaming upstairs at the top of her lungs and sometimes she'll even rush down the stairs in the dark shouting for help! This will usually last for 2-3 minutes until my Dad calms her down and then she goes right back to bed after that. It happens a couple days a week, sometimes she'll have another night terror in the same night. I say this with deep concern because she still is my mother. Some of my therapists want me to "tune it out" when she has these nightmares. I tell them that a problem like this shouldn't be ignored and needs to be addressed.
I told them how worried I am when she rushes down the steps at night because she could slip and break her bones or have a head concussion, especially when she's still in stuck in sleep paralysis mode(we have wooden steps by the way)... But they keep telling me "There's nothing I can do." or "Why do you take on her problems?
Life will go on." The other thing is they want me to just use coping skills to get through it... ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME???
This has to be a joke! They're not concerned at all! Would it not worry anyone if they had a parent who wakes up in the middle of the night 2-3 times a week screaming and running down the steps? I don't get it, why don't they see the problem?? Am I wrong for thinking about what's gonna happen to her if this goes on? Just because she hasn't fallen down the steps now doesn't mean this still isn't an issue.
It's just one more thing that adds up to list. They don't realize how severe this problem really is and it sounds more like they ALREADY want me to avoid an issue that will get worse over time. I'm just sitting there in disbelief... why would you tell me to "cope" with something as serious such as this? I get that not everyone knows what to say, but that just blows my mind.
To even ask me why that bothers me ... because that's my parent and it's very anxiety inducing to hear her screaming upstairs. How can you be ok living with that? Or accepting it? That's avoidance coping. I keep wondering if I'm going crazy whenever my therapists give this kind of "advice". Am I missing something? Should I just go along with what they say? Or are they just ignorant?
Honestly, something feels very wrong about the way they respond to my problems and how they tell me to handle them. If anyone has had similar experiences with therapists, do share.
Last edited:
FriendlyShadow
Well-known member
Went a little off topic but oh well.
DeadmanWalking
Well-known member
I don't think you're off-base for being concerned about her. It's no different than someone being concerned about their parent with Alzheimer's. It sounds like she is in danger and probably needs to be in an area where trained medical professionals can tend to her. This isn't something that can be (or should be) ignored. For both of your sakes. I haven't lived in that exact scenario, but I've been in one close enough for all intents and purposes. I nearly had my first panic attack dealing with that and I was older then. It's not hard to imagine that it's had massive aftereffects on you.Speaking of my therapists,(maybe I'm deluded), I get the feeling that they underestimate my issues as well. An example would be my mother.
I know I said that my family isn't emotionally supportive, though for the past 5 or 6 years now, my mom has been having horrible night terrors. I hear her screaming upstairs at the top of her lungs and sometimes she'll even rush down the stairs in the dark shouting for help! This will usually last for 2-3 minutes until my Dad calms her down and then she goes right back to bed after that. It happens a couple days a week, sometimes she'll have another night terror in the same night. I say this with deep concern because she still is my mother. Some of my therapists want me to "tune it out" when she has these nightmares. I tell them that a problem like this shouldn't be ignored and needs to be addressed.
I told them how worried I am when she rushes down the steps at night because she could slip and break her bones or have a head concussion, especially when she's still in stuck in sleep paralysis mode(we have wooden steps by the way)... But they keep telling me "There's nothing I can do." or "Why do you take on her problems?
Life will go on." The other thing is they want me to just use coping skills to get through it... ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME???
Am I wrong for thinking about what's gonna happen to her if this goes on? Just because she hasn't fallen down the steps now doesn't mean this still isn't an issue.
It's just one more thing that adds up to list. They don't realize how severe this problem really is and it sounds more like they ALREADY want me to avoid an issue that will get worse over time. I'm just sitting there in disbelief... why would you tell me to "cope" with something as serious such as this? I get that not everyone knows what to say, but that just blows my mind.
To even ask me why that bothers me ... because that's my parent and it's very anxiety inducing to hear her screaming upstairs. How can you be ok living with that? Or accepting it? That's avoidance coping. I keep wondering if I'm going crazy whenever my therapists give this kind of "advice". Am I missing something? Should I just go along with what they say? Or are they just ignorant?
Honestly, something feels very wrong about the way they respond to my problems and how they tell me to handle them. If anyone has had similar experiences with therapists, do share.
It really does sound like you need a new therapist. They're not helping. I think I can guess why they're saying what they're saying, but some things you can't just ignore. But, really, I don't think you should mind going off-topic. It's a good way to vent and get your thoughts out for starters, while also getting feedback on how to solve your probelms.
