Exclusive people

[Etbow23]

Do you ever get a little irritated at how exclusive people can be towards people who are shy? I can be outgoing and friendly in circles where I feel welcome/I know someone, but usually I can be reserved and passive. Usually I do better when talking one on one with someone who has a personality 'click' with me. But I notice how some people act snobby/exclusive toward me I think because I am quiet. I notice sometimes certain people just ask each other to go out on the weekend right in front of me in class @ college (at the same lab table) or other stuff like that, and pointedly ignore me like I'm not even there. It's not that I want to go out with them, I have anxiety about that and also I work 24/7 during the weekends, but nonetheless I don't understand why some people act that way towards others who they perceive as shy or serious. I really want to know the psychology behind it.


also...sometimes I notice how people in groups just totally ignore me or in class activities, don't even turn their chairs to let me in the group. Today I had to ask this person in front of me to turn his chair so I could see what was going on.
I don't understand how some people just so easily are able to be outgoing and happy around others, and just "fit in". I just don't relate to most people...my interests are usually so different from 99% of humanity..like Seymore from Ghost World...

 

[Dryad]

Those are the popular crowd, those ignorant *******s who do not care about anything but fitting in. I have been around them all my life, I wanted to be one of them, now look at all those shows with kids in high school... EVERYONE wants to be them. However those people are usually the ones who never go anywhere, yet it is the people who wanted to be them that for instance write a book that becomes a movies and they make millions LOL!

Funny my ma was telling me about this women who lives two houses along, she lives up on a hill and everyone thought she was really stuck up. It was actually that she has post natal depression and she does not like being around people. My ma got talking to her and now they go on walks together

Look at a gal who used to bully me in school, one day she was on her own and away from "the gang". She confided in me that her mother threw her father out, took up drinking and drugs and they don't have any food at home. Any food the mother gets she is not allowed because her mother says she can go get a job and get her own food.

I pity those people who are so selfish they do not see what the world is truly about.

 

[Silatuyok]

I know what you mean. I think it's that most people have self-esteem problems of some sort, but some choose to act upon it by trying to make themselves feel like they are better than someone else. And excluding a quiet person is an easy way to make themselves feel like a big person.

 

[KiaKaha]

I think its because thats just how people are. People are naturally drawn to those who are extroverted and more engaging because they are easy to get to know and they make people feel good about themselves... and It happens everywhere...even on...you know forums etc..

I have a theory that the reason why quiet people are left out is because people have a natural inclination for things to be easy AND to feel like that they are part of a higher social status. Its a snowball effect. The unpopular kids, are unpopular because they are unpopular....its a rut thats hard to escape.
People are only going to make an effort with you..if YOU make an effort with them FIRST.
Also, if its too hard to get to know you then most people arent going to bother.

It is frustrating, and I do know how you feel. I have been feeling this way most of my life.

It takes a special kind of person to acknowledge and accept people who are shy and have SA - usually those people are the ones who suffer from the same problems themselves. So dont give up hope, there are people out there who want to know you and accept you... they are hard to find..but they are out there

 

[Aletheia]

The unpopular kids, are unpopular because they are unpopular.

I was unpopular at high school, and then popular at uni. I hadn't changed much, it was just the fresh start: nobody knew that they shouldn't be friends with me.

People don't want to hang out with a loser for fear of being branded loser themselves. Very few people are secure enough to see beyond this. But it's possible to leave the loser tag behind.

People are only going to make an effort with you..if YOU make an effort with them FIRST.

This is the bit I find hard. It's scary!

But yes. It's possible that they're not asking you out because you're not asking them out. Maybe they think you don't like them.

 

[Illusions]

I know what you mean. I think it's that most people have self-esteem problems of some sort, but some choose to act upon it by trying to make themselves feel like they are better than someone else. And excluding a quiet person is an easy way to make themselves feel like a big person.

Sounds about right. People either exclude you to feel superior or if they think you're cold.

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

I notice sometimes certain people just ask each other to go out on the weekend right in front of me in class @ college (at the same lab table) or other stuff like that, and pointedly ignore me like I'm not even there. It's not that I want to go out with them, I have anxiety about that and also I work 24/7 during the weekends, but nonetheless I don't understand why some people act that way towards others who they perceive as shy or serious. I really want to know the psychology behind it.

I don't know much about the psychology behind this, but this is something I have given a lot of thought to throughout the years. Like you, I was rarely invited to do things. It was like people just assumed I would not be interested or that I wouldn't be able to go; and they were probably right, I'd probably not go. No one likes rejection, so I understand that part. This is not the popular opinion here, but I really don't think the problem is them. There was a message I was sending out with my body language, with my behavior, a sort of leave me alone sign was smacked on my forehead. I was/am terrified of social situations, so I made myself unavailable.

also...sometimes I notice how people in groups just totally ignore me or in class activities, don't even turn their chairs to let me in the group. Today I had to ask this person in front of me to turn his chair so I could see what was going on.

I experienced this too! But this was just me trying to disengage. I often would not read the material just to have an excuse to not participate. My classmates were not fond of me. They saw me as a slacker. I absolutely hated small group activities in class. I was/am too anxious to handle that. It is something I lament.

I have a theory that the reason why quiet people are left out is because people have a natural inclination for things to be easy

You are onto something. People don't like to beg others to go out and do things. They want people who won't put too many restrictions, who don't have to be home at a certain time, who are down for whatever. Having a go-with-the-flow type attitude goes a long way in social situations. I purposely didn't want to do many things when I was a college student because I did not drive, and I had a curfew and it was just too much for me to think about. None of this is fun for other people to worry about. Also, "accept all invitations" (or at least try to for most) 'cause once we decline, they stop coming.

I can't relate to humanity either, but I don't think it's totally hopeless

 

[stevelee24]

without unpopular geeks the world would be full of ****, those who follow and change themselves to fit in have a deep seeded weakness that eventually shows through. while those who sit and observe mostly go on to do great things look at almost every genius thats ever lived in any walk of life and you will notice this same pattern

 

[coyote]

I don't know much about the psychology behind this, but this is something I have given a lot of thought to throughout the years. Like you, I was rarely invited to do things. It was like people just assumed I would not be interested or that I wouldn't be able to go; and they were probably right, I'd probably not go. No one likes rejection, so I understand that part. This is not the popular opinion here, but I really don't think the problem is them. There was a message I was sending out with my body language, with my behavior, a sort of leave me alone sign was smacked on my forehead. I was/am terrified of social situations, so I made myself unavailable.



I experienced this too! But this was just me trying to disengage. I often would not read the material just to have an excuse to not participate. My classmates were not fond of me. They saw me as a slacker. I absolutely hated small group activities in class. I was/am too anxious to handle that. It is something I lament.

You are onto something. People don't like to beg others to go out and do things. They want people who won't put too many restrictions, who don't have to be home at a certain time, who are down for whatever. Having a go-with-the-flow type attitude goes a long way in social situations. I purposely didn't want to do many things when I was a college student because I did not drive, and I had a curfew and it was just too much for me to think about. None of this is fun for other people to worry about. Also, "accept all invitations" (or at least try to for most) 'cause once we decline, they stop coming.

I can't relate to humanity either, but I don't think it's totally hopeless

awesome post

i think it's important for us to remember that even the people we label as "popular" or "successful" or "confident" don't want to be rejected anymore than we do

so if we present ourselves to the world as someone who might say no - then we're not going to get asked

perhaps the solution is in figuring out why we project that image rather than trying to figure what's wrong with the rest of the world

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

I was unpopular at high school, and then popular at uni. I hadn't changed much, it was just the fresh start: nobody knew that they shouldn't be friends with me.

It was the same for me. In highschool- I lived in a small town and everyone knew that I lived in the worst part of town and worked several jobs to help pay the bills.
Somehow that made me unpopular. haha
Not only was I a weirdy; but I was a poor weirdy.
Don't touch me! You'll get my poor germs on you!
Mind you... I was only unpopular with the popular groups of people... but I suppose I was kind of the opposite with the band/drama/computer geeks.
They're more fun to be around anyways!

In college, I was apprehensive about making friends but from the first day of school, people seemed to gravitate to me.
Before I knew what was happening, I was the most interesting kid in class and everyone was talking to me and inviting me to do things with them.
It was really strange.

Things can change, though. That much is for sure.
I think that some people will just assume you must hate them for reasons unknown- and will act cold towards you in retaliation.

 

[Etbow23]

without unpopular geeks the world would be full of ****, those who follow and change themselves to fit in have a deep seeded weakness that eventually shows through. while those who sit and observe mostly go on to do great things look at almost every genius thats ever lived in any walk of life and you will notice this same pattern

good point!

 

[OceanMist]

One of the most important lessons to learn in life is that most people don't care about you. I learned this in military school. Most people are out for themselves. They don't care about the shy person in the corner, it's just not their problem.

It's a minority of people that truly care about people. Those are the type of people that want to be around a lot. They will make you like them and like yourself at the same time. The trouble is finding them with us being shy. I've met a few of them and don't regret it.

 

[KiaKaha]

One of the most important lessons to learn in life is that most people don't care about you. I learned this in military school. Most people are out for themselves. They don't care about the shy person in the corner, it's just not their problem.

It's a minority of people that truly care about people. Those are the type of people that want to be around a lot. They will make you like them and like yourself at the same time. The trouble is finding them with us being shy. I've met a few of them and don't regret it.

I agree. Although I think its pretty rare to find people who are as altruistic as that. Like you say, most people are in it for themselves...because...most people are in it for themselves. Its dog eat dog.

Although, all cynicism aside, there are people who do have enough insight and empathy to make a difference and reach out to those who obviously struggle... there are people on this forum like that, with no intention other than to make the person who is feeling down...to feel better.

It restores my faith in humanity...almost (lets not push it)

 

[Aletheia]

No one likes rejection, so I understand that part. This is not the popular opinion here, but I really don't think the problem is them. There was a message I was sending out with my body language, with my behavior, a sort of leave me alone sign was smacked on my forehead. I was/am terrified of social situations, so I made myself unavailable.

This is so true.

I know it smacks of blame the victim, but if you don't start looking at what you're contributing, you'll never overcome it. And hard as it is to do, it does give you power.

I always thought that people teased and shunned me because I was this monstrous unlovable alien. But that's not tattooed on my forehead. They teased and shunned me because of how I made them feel: confused, uncomfortable and yes, even rejected.

I still tend to assume that other people are perfect and that I'm in this whole other category of being. No wonder I have trouble connecting. But no one is perfect. Recognizing that other people can feel just as lost and insecure as I do helps me empathize with them, which helps me think of things to say.

Another thing to think about is whether you even want to spend time with them. If you have nothing in common with them, does it matter if you don't? Just pretend you're so cool you don't give a damn what they think.

And realize it may be what they're trying to do. You're not such an alien after all.

 

[awkwardamanda]

This is not the popular opinion here, but I really don't think the problem is them. There was a message I was sending out with my body language, with my behavior, a sort of leave me alone sign was smacked on my forehead. I was/am terrified of social situations, so I made myself unavailable.

That may be true, but only to a point. When you're bullied and left out to begin with, you end up shy, socially awkward, cold, etc. Then people ignore you because you give off bad vibes like that. Then you feel rejected again; withdraw from society some more. They think you're more stuck up, continue to ignore and avoid you... etc. etc.

 

[Aletheia]

That may be true, but only to a point. When you're bullied and left out to begin with, you end up shy, socially awkward, cold, etc. Then people ignore you because you give off bad vibes like that. Then you feel rejected again; withdraw from society some more. They think you're more stuck up, continue to ignore and avoid you... etc. etc.

Oh yeah I know, it is a vicious cycle that's very hard to break.

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

This is so true.

I know it smacks of blame the victim, but if you don't start looking at what you're contributing, you'll never overcome it. And hard as it is to do, it does give you power.

That was where I was getting at. If we always blame others, well, that lets us off the hook and it gives us an excuse to not do a thing about it.

I still tend to assume that other people are perfect and that I'm in this whole other category of being. No wonder I have trouble connecting. But no one is perfect. Recognizing that other people can feel just as lost and insecure as I do helps me empathize with them, which helps me think of things to say.

Another thing to think about is whether you even want to spend time with them. If you have nothing in common with them, does it matter if you don't? Just pretend you're so cool you don't give a damn what they think.

And realize it may be what they're trying to do. You're not such an alien after all.

Good points. There is no us vs. them. We are all in this together. When we remember that, it helps to make us feel like we do belong. We may exclude ourselves due to our own anxieties, but that is us, not them. Though there are instances where certain groups and people will reject us but that is life.

I have always said that I feel like an alien (and look like one, but that is another thread). We have more in common than we think. Other people are insecure too, and they all have their problems and struggles. "Be kind, for we are all fighting a hard battle." That quote has been surfacing on Tumblr and I agree!

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

That may be true, but only to a point. When you're bullied and left out to begin with, you end up shy, socially awkward, cold, etc. Then people ignore you because you give off bad vibes like that. Then you feel rejected again; withdraw from society some more. They think you're more stuck up, continue to ignore and avoid you... etc. etc.

Oh, I know. Bullying is something else and the effects can last way after the bullying is over. I was bullied as a child by both my peers and the adults around me. I have no doubt in my mind that is what started this whole SA business for me. But...I have spent so many years of my life feeling sorry for myself and blaming all those people for what they did to me, and I am tired of doing so. It has not done me one bit of good. It just gives me an excuse to stay as I am and I don't need more excuses. I could do without the bitterness too.

It has been years since I was bullied. It is okay now. I don't need these walls anymore. I can defend myself. It is not something I am completely over yet, but I am working on it.

Oh yeah I know, it is a vicious cycle that's very hard to break.

perhaps the solution is in figuring out why we project that image rather than trying to figure what's wrong with the rest of the world

It is a bad cycle. One I have been stuck for what seems forever. And it can keep going unless I put a stop to it. It is true we cannot control the people around us, but we can control how we act. It gives us power like Aletheia said.

 

[Aletheia]

Don't touch me! You'll get my poor germs on you!

This is how I feel now.

 

[Aletheia]

We have more in common than we think.

One guy I used to work with is good looking, a triathlete, and had his own house, Ferrari and 30 ft yacht by the time he was 28.

Yet his favourite song turned out to be Katie Melua's Shy Boy.

One of his friends, who came across as very much one of the lads, confided one night that he was still a virgin. At 24.

It doesn't always show. People often fight hard to ensure that it doesn't.

So be kind, for we are all fighting a hard battle.