Exclusive people

[redmatter]

perhaps the solution is in figuring out why we project that image rather than trying to figure what's wrong with the rest of the world

Perhaps that's part of a solution for some people... and an interesting point, but I think there's a whole lot more involved.

You really raise a good point though.

 

[OceanMist]

I don't totally agree with the "when something is wrong in my life, it must be my fault" theory. Shy people aren't always excluded because of their own actions. I think that a lot of society has a problem with insecurity, and excludes shy people because there is something wrong with many (not all) outgoing people: they are the ones that are afraid.

It takes two people to make a conversation. That includes the outgoing people. You guys shouldn't just be blaming us shy people. Don't forget that outgoing people have a duty to initiate more conversation because it is easier for them.

It angers me that even on this website, I get 100% blame placed on me for my troubles socially. Every conversation shouldn't have to be started by one person, especially the shy person.

There is a severe problem with a lot society, many people look at shy people as lower beings. Let me emphasize that not everyone does this, but there are a fair amount of people that do. I've found that there are even fellow shy people that think less of other shy people.

I think shyness is the most disrespected disability on the planet. Most people won't laugh at a guy in a wheelchair, but they don't hesitate to call the shy guy a wimp.

 

[Ms Cloud]

I've found that there are even fellow shy people that think less of other shy people.

Yes, like all those shy people who lament the fact that they'll never get a "normal" boyfriend or girlfriend. That's discriminatory towards their own kind. And it happens a lot, I've noticed.

 

[Srijita52]

I think its because thats just how people are. People are naturally drawn to those who are extroverted and more engaging because they are easy to get to know and they make people feel good about themselves... and It happens everywhere...even on...you know forums etc..

I have a theory that the reason why quiet people are left out is because people have a natural inclination for things to be easy AND to feel like that they are part of a higher social status. Its a snowball effect. The unpopular kids, are unpopular because they are unpopular....its a rut thats hard to escape.
People are only going to make an effort with you..if YOU make an effort with them FIRST.
Also, if its too hard to get to know you then most people arent going to bother.

It is frustrating, and I do know how you feel. I have been feeling this way most of my life.

It takes a special kind of person to acknowledge and accept people who are shy and have SA - usually those people are the ones who suffer from the same problems themselves. So dont give up hope, there are people out there who want to know you and accept you... they are hard to find..but they are out there

I absolutely agree with this. It does seem unfair but its how people work, plus people find a hard time relating to problems which they don't have themselves. Like an outgoing person might not be able to understand that its difficult for shy people to function in social situations. They might also think its because the person is choosing to be a jerk or not to socialise, not cos its hard.

 

[OceanMist]

Yes, like all those shy people who lament the fact that they'll never get a "normal" boyfriend or girlfriend. That's discriminatory towards their own kind. And it happens a lot, I've noticed.

I know. I've had people on here give me absurd solutions to my complaint about never having sex before.

There are people on here that tell me to get a hooker, lol. It's like what? So, I should just take a chance on getting a STD and have sex with a woman who just wants my money, and break the law at the same time?

It seems many people in general like to give simple solutions to complicated problems. The worst thing about it, is it's all circled around blaming you for your problems. It's like, oh, you are failing? It's all your fault.

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

Don't forget that outgoing people have a duty to initiate more conversation because it is easier for them.

No, they don't. Unless they are being paid, like therapists. It would be nice if people would reach out to us, and sometimes they do, but they don't have to do anything, just like we don't have to talk to someone if we don't want to.

It angers me that even on this website, I get 100% blame placed on me for my troubles socially.

I wasn't blaming you personally or anyone on this site. I was just attempting to give a different perspective. I do believe we have to take responsibility for our own happiness. If we keep depending on others to do things for us, we will always feel powerless to make changes. It is just too easy to blame other people; in that scenario we don't have to do a thing.

There are things that are completely out of our control. For those we can change the way we think about them and maybe even come to accept them. That way of thinking actually allowed me to make great progress with my OCD; it is now to a totally manageable point and I no longer have compulsions though I still have some obsessions. (I have accepted that I will always have OCD but I can control it and deal with it as it comes). It wasn't easy though, and it took me a long time to get there. The bullying was out of my control as well, and now I am dealing with the aftermath (my SA). This is perhaps an even bigger beast than my OCD but I will slay it as well. Just have to build my ammunition...okay, enough of the metaphors, you get my point. I have to do these things myself, no one can do them for me. A therapist can help of course.

Not all shy introverted people have SA. Some are very functional and have active social lives. It is true that outgoing, extroverted types can sometimes not understand us and give us a hard time about it. Oh, those people annoy me so much. There are awful people too that will try to bring us down to give themselves a boost. And those who will reject us and exclude us on purpose. Thankfully not all people are like that. Now how to find them?

I think shyness is the most disrespected disability on the planet. Most people won't laugh at a guy in a wheelchair, but they don't hesitate to call the shy guy a wimp.

Overweight people have it bad too. And those with physical disfigurements (like I had when I was younger). Abnormality is not accepted in this society, and it is not fair. The world is not fair. We all have our issues and our problems, our cross to bear. Some people have it worse and some not as bad. Not trying to belittle our SA but it helps to put these things into perspective sometimes.

 

[coyote]

...You guys shouldn't just be blaming us shy people. Don't forget that outgoing people have a duty to initiate more conversation because it is easier for them...

it doesn't do any good for us to blame anyone - shy or not shy, it doesn't matter

what matters is figuring out how to overcome whatever obstacles are in our way - not trying to find someone to blame for putting them there

it also doesn't do any good for us to expect someone else to take responsibility for our own shortcomings

 

[Luka]

I get you. It happens to me sometimes at school. I think because I'm so awkward they just want nothing to do with me. You know what they say when awkwardness rubs onto another person...

 

[KiaKaha]

It takes two people to make a conversation. That includes the outgoing people. You guys shouldn't just be blaming us shy people. Don't forget that outgoing people have a duty to initiate more conversation because it is easier for them.

I dont think its a responsibility outgoing people to initiate more conversation with a shy person. I dont think anyone should be responsible for other people. I DO think though, and its something that I respect and admire greatly when I see it, is that the people who are more outgoing and confident have enough insight and compassion to help the other person who is having difficulty feel more at ease.... its the NICE thing to do... its what *I* would do.

Some people do...

In an ideal world this would be the case, but its easy to forget how other people are feeling when you are not feeling the same way...and that you are too busy enjoying yourself to bother.

I dont think we should be blaming other people for our short commings l.... but I do think that if we ALL had a little more empathy and a little more patience for how others are feeling then everyone, everywhere... would be better off.

Dont you think...?

 

[coyote]

One guy I used to work with is good looking, a triathlete, and had his own house, Ferrari and 30 ft yacht by the time he was 28.

Yet his favourite song turned out to be Katie Melua's Shy Boy.

One of his friends, who came across as very much one of the lads, confided one night that he was still a virgin. At 24.

It doesn't always show. People often fight hard to ensure that it doesn't.

So be kind, for we are all fighting a hard battle.

 

[coyote]

I dont think its a responsibility outgoing people to initiate more conversation with a shy person. I dont think anyone should be responsible for other people. I DO think though, and its something that I respect and admire greatly when I see it, is that the people who are more outgoing and confident have enough insight and compassion to help the other person who is having difficulty feel more at ease.... its the NICE thing to do... its what *I* would do.

Some people do...

In an ideal world this would be the case, but its easy to forget how other people are feeling when you are not feeling the same way...and that you are too busy enjoying yourself to bother.

I dont think we should be blaming other people for our short commings l.... but I do think that if we ALL had a little more empathy and a little more patience for how others are feeling then everyone, everywhere... would be better off.

Dont you think...?

 

[Aletheia]

like all those shy people who lament the fact that they'll never get a "normal" boyfriend or girlfriend

It's true, it's disturbing and it fosters self-hate.

I'd like to understand the psychology behind that.

 

[coyote]

It's true, it's disturbing and it fosters self-hate.

I'd like to understand the psychology behind that.

perhaps it's easier to label ourselves as defective and simply complain

than to acknowledge that we have a solvable problem and do something about it

 

[Ms Cloud]

It's true, it's disturbing and it fosters self-hate.

I'd like to understand the psychology behind that.

Maybe... and this is just a thought... it's because they struggle with low self-esteem from comparing themselves with others, such that what they crave most is not love or companionship but rather a boost in their social status to put them on par with whoever has made them feel inferior. To this end, a highly presentable boyfriend or girlfriend would go a long way in restoring their public image to what they believe it should be.

Of course there's nothing wrong with that. "What others think" is of paramount importance to a lot of people; they can't help it. I'm just glad I've never been used as a prop in someone else's social climbing. (I almost was, once... but fortunately I was disqualified for having poor table manners).

 

[Aletheia]

what they crave most is not love or companionship but rather a boost in their social status to put them on par with whoever has made them feel inferior

Astute.

"What others think" is of paramount importance to a lot of people.

It's ruled my life. To the point where I really don't know who I am.

 

[Etbow23]

I don't totally agree with the "when something is wrong in my life, it must be my fault" theory. Shy people aren't always excluded because of their own actions. I think that a lot of society has a problem with insecurity, and excludes shy people because there is something wrong with many (not all) outgoing people: they are the ones that are afraid.

It takes two people to make a conversation. That includes the outgoing people. You guys shouldn't just be blaming us shy people. Don't forget that outgoing people have a duty to initiate more conversation because it is easier for them.

It angers me that even on this website, I get 100% blame placed on me for my troubles socially. Every conversation shouldn't have to be started by one person, especially the shy person.

There is a severe problem with a lot society, many people look at shy people as lower beings. Let me emphasize that not everyone does this, but there are a fair amount of people that do. I've found that there are even fellow shy people that think less of other shy people.

I think shyness is the most disrespected disability on the planet. Most people won't laugh at a guy in a wheelchair, but they don't hesitate to call the shy guy a wimp.

You're right that people often treat shy people poorly. I wouldn't consider myself extremely shy that I can't talk to people--I do talk to people, more than I used to, but I do have trouble making more than acquaintances and all the while, I a lot of times have anxiety and feel awkward during interactions. Also, often times other people will make friends/ask for each other's phone numbers but never ask for mine. And I realize, I don't WANT to know them/hang out with them, bbut at the same time this rejection hurts me. Ive come to realize that many people probably don't mean to, they just "click" with certain people. And quiet people usually appear aloof or whatever, and that's intimidating or off-putting.

I have a boyfriend who has had some issues making friends as well, so I don't feel pressured to explain myself or hide things about my issues in this area like I do with other people who just don't understand what it's like to be ostracized or bullied (like what happened to me in high school).

It didn't always used to be this way. I've always retained a certain reserve, but back when I was a child, I was able to have a circle of friends. I was never like, ms popular, but I wasn't how I am now. In middle school I had friends. Not a ton,but I had some. Then some horrible things happened to me when I was a teenager, and basically everyone hated me. I was like a leper because I dressed like a hippie and acted kind of screwy and all this stuff. But my stepfather was abusing me and I ran away and got abused (raped) on the streets and basically fell deeper into this hole of despair, dropping out of school, running away, trying to kill myself three times , in and out of psychiatric units and all the like.

I go to community college & still live with my mother (she's divorced from him, but has some new guy), but I soemtimes go on facebook and see the people who basically stopped being my friend in high school and I see how they have like 500 friends on their facebook, go to expensive universities, and have pictures of parties and all this crap. And I wonder, what happened to me exactly? Why couldn't my life be like theirs? Why can't I be happy, outgoing and not have to work all the time while going to school. But then you realize that maybe things happen for a reason..
And I've realized how superficial people are; you change one thing about you or you act screwy like you're obviously an abused child and they're your friends and they don't even care or try to help you they just abandon you and make fun of you. This is a very painful thing to go through.

I think my adolescence basically sucked, and I think it was a determinant factor in the way I am today. Of course, I'm a lot better socially than I was say , 2 or 3 years ago. I'm not totally weird or angry anymore, I can talk to people and some people seem to like me, even if they never try to be my friend outside of work or whatever, but I've just now come to the realization that I'll never be like them. And that's okay. I think now I've become more reclusive...I'd rather stay at home and do my own business then go out with people because at this point, I've developed this horrible case of anxiety that I think came from rejection.

I'm just trying to say that sometimes shyness is part genetic and the anxiety that comes with social anxiety can also come from environmental things. Like this person also posted-you can be shy and still have friends. But there's a difference when you have sa.

okay sorry for the long post.

 

[Aletheia]

But my stepfather was abusing me and I ran away and got abused (raped) on the streets and basically fell deeper into this hole of despair, dropping out of school, running away, trying to kill myself three times , in and out of psychiatric units and all the like.

OMG, I'm so sorry to hear that, it must have been awful awful awful. *hug*

 

[Ms Cloud]

^ I know eh? But dontcha love how she's bouncing back from all that. Talk about resilience.

 

[Aletheia]

I don't WANT to know them/hang out with them, bbut at the same time this rejection hurts me

Ironic, isn't it? We focus more on what they think of us than what we think of them.

I have a boyfriend who has had some issues making friends as well, so I don't feel pressured to explain myself or hide things about my issues in this area like I do with other people who just don't understand what it's like

This helps so much, not having to explain. Probably why I like it here.

and I see how they have like 500 friends on their facebook

I hate facebook, partially for this very reason.

^ I know eh? But dontcha love how she's bouncing back from all that. Talk about resilience.

Oh I know. Admirable.

 

[MikeyC]

You're right that people often treat shy people poorly. I wouldn't consider myself extremely shy that I can't talk to people--I do talk to people, more than I used to, but I do have trouble making more than acquaintances and all the while, I a lot of times have anxiety and feel awkward during interactions. Also, often times other people will make friends/ask for each other's phone numbers but never ask for mine. And I realize, I don't WANT to know them/hang out with them, bbut at the same time this rejection hurts me. Ive come to realize that many people probably don't mean to, they just "click" with certain people. And quiet people usually appear aloof or whatever, and that's intimidating or off-putting.

I have a boyfriend who has had some issues making friends as well, so I don't feel pressured to explain myself or hide things about my issues in this area like I do with other people who just don't understand what it's like to be ostracized or bullied (like what happened to me in high school).

It didn't always used to be this way. I've always retained a certain reserve, but back when I was a child, I was able to have a circle of friends. I was never like, ms popular, but I wasn't how I am now. In middle school I had friends. Not a ton,but I had some. Then some horrible things happened to me when I was a teenager, and basically everyone hated me. I was like a leper because I dressed like a hippie and acted kind of screwy and all this stuff. But my stepfather was abusing me and I ran away and got abused (raped) on the streets and basically fell deeper into this hole of despair, dropping out of school, running away, trying to kill myself three times , in and out of psychiatric units and all the like.

I go to community college & still live with my mother (she's divorced from him, but has some new guy), but I soemtimes go on facebook and see the people who basically stopped being my friend in high school and I see how they have like 500 friends on their facebook, go to expensive universities, and have pictures of parties and all this crap. And I wonder, what happened to me exactly? Why couldn't my life be like theirs? Why can't I be happy, outgoing and not have to work all the time while going to school. But then you realize that maybe things happen for a reason..
And I've realized how superficial people are; you change one thing about you or you act screwy like you're obviously an abused child and they're your friends and they don't even care or try to help you they just abandon you and make fun of you. This is a very painful thing to go through.

I think my adolescence basically sucked, and I think it was a determinant factor in the way I am today. Of course, I'm a lot better socially than I was say , 2 or 3 years ago. I'm not totally weird or angry anymore, I can talk to people and some people seem to like me, even if they never try to be my friend outside of work or whatever, but I've just now come to the realization that I'll never be like them. And that's okay. I think now I've become more reclusive...I'd rather stay at home and do my own business then go out with people because at this point, I've developed this horrible case of anxiety that I think came from rejection.

I'm just trying to say that sometimes shyness is part genetic and the anxiety that comes with social anxiety can also come from environmental things. Like this person also posted-you can be shy and still have friends. But there's a difference when you have sa.

okay sorry for the long post.

That was an incredible post. Some really awful things happened to you and I'm very sorry to hear it.

You are wise and strong.