Does my husband have social phobia?

[Borx]

i always thought my husband was just extremely shy but now i am not so sure . I would be greatful if someone could give me their informed opinion on wether they think he is or if its more a case of social phobia . This is what he is like:
He cant hold a conversation with any of my family ( he is not a big talker anyway)
He gets me to make phonecalls for him alot and uses the excuse that people dont understand him ( he is brazilian)
He avoids talking when my family are around
He hates going to family gathering
He has trouble expressing how he feels
If people talk to him he answers with the minimum and then tries to leave
he hates driving to places he is not familar with
he has only one friend ( we live in my home country)
he is in a bad mood alot
he love spending time on his computer
the list goes on.....
Please give me your opinions

 

[Argamemnon]

Hi Borx,

Sounds a lot like me.. and I have social anxiety. It sounds like he also suffers from this. If you knew he has it, what would you do. I mean why do you want to know?

 

[Borx]

i want to know because i love him nad i want to understand him better so that i can help him and make his life easier. Is this possible ? :?

 

[coriander1992]

To know wether he has social anxiety or not, you would need to find out wether he actually fears doing those things, or just doesn't like having to do them.

Good luck

 

[Argamemnon]

i want to know because i love him nad i want to understand him better so that i can help him and make his life easier. Is this possible ? :?

I don't know him and I'm also no psychologist, but he is very lucky to have someone like you. I wish I could find an understanding wife to share my life with. Anyhow, I think you could help him to a certain extent, but I also think that he will never change to become totally extroverted. You are what you are, I'm afraid.

But little changes can mean a lot. Why don't you try talking to him about this. You are his wife after all, I assume he trusts you completely. Good luck to you both.

 

[shon]

I agree, it does sound like he has it. Also, moving to another country could've made it worse. I moved from the U.S. to Germany in '02 and it really changed me for the worse. May not be the case for him but that's just my two cents.

 

[recluse]

i always thought my husband was just extremely shy but now i am not so sure . I would be greatful if someone could give me their informed opinion on wether they think he is or if its more a case of social phobia . This is what he is like:
He cant hold a conversation with any of my family ( he is not a big talker anyway)
He gets me to make phonecalls for him alot and uses the excuse that people dont understand him ( he is brazilian)
He avoids talking when my family are around
He hates going to family gathering
He has trouble expressing how he feels
If people talk to him he answers with the minimum and then tries to leave
he hates driving to places he is not familar with
he has only one friend ( we live in my home country)
he is in a bad mood alot
he love spending time on his computer
the list goes on.....
Please give me your opinions

This description fits a social phobic person. How was he before he moved from Brazil? Do you think that he feels alienated because he's in a different country or has he always had these traits?

 

[JamesMorgan]

This list is not evidence to suggest your husband has a social phobia.

If he is a quiet person, he may just be that and not feel like he has to prove himself to others.

If he has expressed that he hates going to family gatherings, has he said why?

You also say he hates driving anywhere unfamiliar, maybe that is simply the sort of person he is, it doesn't constitute to him being a social phobic.

Does he seem depressed? People who are social phobic usually have some sort of depression to go with it. Has he ever sought help or expressed that he should need help?

The simple thing to do would be to raise these things sensitively with your husband but without blaming, finger pointing and make the message clear that you bring it up because you love him and just wondered if he wanted to talk about it or something like that.

Good luck

James

 

[Borx]

i was orginally attracted to him because he was a loner as strange as that may sound . He was always very shy , everyone also described him as very shy and he always struggled to relax around most people. i guess i never really thought that maybe it was actual beyond what i would deem to be JUST SHY. I think the language barrier and the different culture has made it more difficult and i worried about this before we left brasil.I totally accept the way he is its just i feel bad for him that it causes such a hinderance to him sometimes . He is also very proud and would never admit that he avoids certain things because of it

 

[dottie]

help him but don't try to "fix" him.

 

[miss_amy]

Sounds like you are already doing the right things, being supportive and understanding.

Your list does sound like social phobia. In my eyes if its affecting his quality of life then it is.

 

[Borx]

I want to ask you something . He has to go to this inquriy thing where he will be asked questions and he keeps going on about it because he is anxious , what should i do to help him , would it be better to go with him or encourage him to try and go alone ? There is another issue as well , that he will have to drive there if he goes lone, normally he would avoid this sort of situation but he has to go

 

[shon]

I want to ask you something . He has to go to this inquriy thing where he will be asked questions and he keeps going on about it because he is anxious , what should i do to help him , would it be better to go with him or encourage him to try and go alone ? There is another issue as well , that he will have to drive there if he goes lone, normally he would avoid this sort of situation but he has to go

It would probably be better if you went w/ him... if he doesn't mind. When I go to appt's by myself, I'm really anxious but it's not as bad if my husband goes too. He kind of distracts me from being anxious.

 

[Borx]

thanks shon
I dont mind going whatever to relief his nerves , sometimes he makes other excuses other than what is the truth to get me to go , like he would say he dont no where the place is , or his english isnt good enough ( he is here 3 and a half years , or he is too tired to drive , do you make excuses to avoid certain situations or have you discussed your SA with your husband ?

 

[shon]

thanks shon
I dont mind going whatever to relief his nerves , sometimes he makes other excuses other than what is the truth to get me to go , like he would say he dont no where the place is , or his english isnt good enough ( he is here 3 and a half years , or he is too tired to drive , do you make excuses to avoid certain situations or have you discussed your SA with your husband ?

My life has been about making excuses! I didn't realize my problem had a name until last Oct and I've been married 14 yrs. All these years, he just thought I was just shy and he saw how uncomfortable I was around people. When it'd come to making phone calls, I'd say I'll call them tomorrow but I never would. Then I'd say I don't want to do it cause they don't understand me.

A few years ago, my wisdom tooth got infected and I was in a lot of pain. I kept saying it'll get better cause I couldn't force myself to call the dentist and I was afraid to go so he ended up calling them. He'd get mad and say I can't believe you're afraid of the stupid phone! Now he knows what my problem is but making excuses still comes natural to me.

 

[miss_amy]

It must be so hard and frustrating being the partner of a sufferer. My husband of 8 years has been wonderful but there are times when he just doesn't get it.

Any help you can give him do the things he finds difficult will help. I find if I am forced in to anxiety situations it doesn't make me better, it makes me worse. I find I can tackle this better when I feel strong and supported, not forced to do the scary stuff.


I have the phone thing too, its really awkward. I will not/cannot answer any telephone, home or work. Theres also the embarrassment of not wanting to tell people why so excuses are a way of life.

 

[Borx]

I actually dont know if he does have it but i have never meet anyone more shy in all my life . I know him now and i see how nervous he gets when people are around and i just resently thought that it wasnt normal, and the impact it has on not just his life but mine and our children too . It terrible i know but sometimes i feel a little embarrassed and angry other times i feel really guilty because it must be torture for him to be so restricted in his life because of it . I also feel bad that he is dependent on me for alot of things and i wonder does he resent me for that . how do feel about the dependence you have (if you have any )on your partner ?

 

[Carstuar]

help him but don't try to "fix" him.

This is important. Don't make him feel like there's something wrong with him, and don't pressure him about it.
I think he's definitely got some sort of social anxiety or phobia.

 

[Argamemnon]

how do feel about the dependence you have (if you have any )on your partner ?

I don't have a partner, since I'm too shy. Apparently, I'm even shyer than your husband. Can you imagine someone being shyer than your husband?

 

[shon]

I actually dont know if he does have it but i have never meet anyone more shy in all my life . I know him now and i see how nervous he gets when people are around and i just resently thought that it wasnt normal, and the impact it has on not just his life but mine and our children too . It terrible i know but sometimes i feel a little embarrassed and angry other times i feel really guilty because it must be torture for him to be so restricted in his life because of it . I also feel bad that he is dependent on me for alot of things and i wonder does he resent me for that . how do feel about the dependence you have (if you have any )on your partner ?

I feel like a big inconvenience to my husband. I don't have any friends and every time I have an appt, he has to leave work and come home to watch our kids. If I could just get out the phone book and call daycares, maybe I could find one that'll take care of my daughter when I have these appt's. But I'm too chicken! I feel guilty that he has all these things to do at work and I'm giving him even more to do.

When it comes to Christmas parties at his work or if someone he knows invites us to a bbq, he tells them I'm sick. Yep, I'm sick alright