Does my husband have social phobia?

[shon]

It must be so hard and frustrating being the partner of a sufferer. My husband of 8 years has been wonderful but there are times when he just doesn't get it.

Any help you can give him do the things he finds difficult will help. I find if I am forced in to anxiety situations it doesn't make me better, it makes me worse. I find I can tackle this better when I feel strong and supported, not forced to do the scary stuff.


I have the phone thing too, its really awkward. I will not/cannot answer any telephone, home or work. Theres also the embarrassment of not wanting to tell people why so excuses are a way of life.

I can relate to that. My husband is a good guy but he doesn't always get it either and I think he gets frustrated w/ me. He used to pressure me about making phone calls and every day, I kind of dreaded him coming home from work cause I knew he'd say did you make that appt for your check-up? I'd anticipate what his reaction would be and the pressure made me really not want to do it.

 

[shon]

thanks shon
I dont mind going whatever to relief his nerves , sometimes he makes other excuses other than what is the truth to get me to go , like he would say he dont no where the place is , or his english isnt good enough ( he is here 3 and a half years , or he is too tired to drive , do you make excuses to avoid certain situations or have you discussed your SA with your husband ?

I'm from Arkansas and when I was 18, my husband and I moved to Nebraska. I got a job at Pizza Hut and unfortunately, they had me answering phones. People would call in and when I'd talk, some of them made fun of my accent. That made me self-consious and somehow I learned to speak w/o the accent just because I got tired of being made fun of. I also got tired of people saying are you from Texas? I lasted 3 days at that job.

So if anyone has ever made comments about your husbands accent, he may not want to speak much or deal w/ what people will say about it.

 

[miss_amy]

I feel like an inconvenience too. Though we've kind of developed a way of dealing withit and its just accepted that he makes phone calls and takes kids to appointments etc. I only go to appointments if I really have to, like when I found a lump.

I've not lasted that long in some jobs either. I'm Ok now because I'm the boss and can have days off when I can't face it but I've been in jobs where I've lasted a couple of days or a few weeks.

I think my fear of phones comes from a receptionist job where they expected the impossible. I wasn't employed as a receptionist I was a nurse! but had to cover someone who left. You had to answer within so many rings on multiple lines as well as deal with people coming in and out at the same time. People on phone got fed up and shouted at me when I put them on hold and people in person got fed up because I had to answer phone and couldn't deal with them properly. At the same job I was being bullied and had a woman stabbing my hands with pins and pencils and generally making my life hell. It was about 12 years ago and I still have flash back type memories and feel bad about it.
The only time I can answer a phone or make a call is if I know its my husband or my kids on the other end.

 

[shon]

I feel like an inconvenience too. Though we've kind of developed a way of dealing withit and its just accepted that he makes phone calls and takes kids to appointments etc. I only go to appointments if I really have to, like when I found a lump.

I've not lasted that long in some jobs either. I'm Ok now because I'm the boss and can have days off when I can't face it but I've been in jobs where I've lasted a couple of days or a few weeks.

I think my fear of phones comes from a receptionist job where they expected the impossible. I wasn't employed as a receptionist I was a nurse! but had to cover someone who left. You had to answer within so many rings on multiple lines as well as deal with people coming in and out at the same time. People on phone got fed up and shouted at me when I put them on hold and people in person got fed up because I had to answer phone and couldn't deal with them properly. At the same job I was being bullied and had a woman stabbing my hands with pins and pencils and generally making my life hell. It was about 12 years ago and I still have flash back type memories and feel bad about it.
The only time I can answer a phone or make a call is if I know its my husband or my kids on the other end.

That sounds like a very good arrangement you have w/ your husband. I couldn't handle being a receptionist either. It sounds like you dealt w/ some really hateful people. I don't understand why they are so selfish, impatient and just rude. I guess because I've always put other peoples feelings before my own.

My husband thinks that I just don't try hard enough to make phone calls. He doesn't understand that mentally I do try and actually getting it done is a whole other process. I answer the phone if it's him or one of my parents. I don't like answering when it's my dad but I do or he'll call my cell phone 10 times. Then later on he'll question why I didn't answer. He knows I avoid him sometimes so I figure it's easier just to deal w/ him when he calls the first time.

When I was 20, I had to deal w/ rude dentists and Dr's so I've always feared them. Then there were problems w/ my daughters daycare providers because she had autism and we didn't know it at the time. The Dr's would say there's nothing wrong w/ her but the daycare gave me hell everyday about her behavior. I should've just stayed home w/ her. I finally got her diagnosed in Germany right after we got there when she was 6. I know she made it difficult for the daycare but they'd say things like "she's not normal...you need to find out what her problem is!" They'd all stare at me and they looked angry . They acted like they didn't believe me when I said I took her to the Dr. But I've always been afraid of her teachers and she's 11 now.

 

[Borx]

its very interesting listening to it from the other prespective . Sometimes i pressurise my husband to go places with me like bbqs or wedding or visit friends and then we end up fighting because he wont go but then when he goes he always spends most of the time outside smoking or sitting in the one spot . What really annoys me and it annoys him too is when people go ' is he ok ' like he is sick and they never have any problem asking him to do stuff because they know he wont refuse. I know he would not tell me if i asked him but i think he hates that he cant be more assertive in those situations and say no , what about ye ? one of the thing i personally hate the most are wedding what about ye ? often i find myself making excuses for him or just avoiding them as well to avoid another excuse.

 

[shon]

its very interesting listening to it from the other prespective . Sometimes i pressurise my husband to go places with me like bbqs or wedding or visit friends and then we end up fighting because he wont go but then when he goes he always spends most of the time outside smoking or sitting in the one spot . What really annoys me and it annoys him too is when people go ' is he ok ' like he is sick and they never have any problem asking him to do stuff because they know he wont refuse. I know he would not tell me if i asked him but i think he hates that he cant be more assertive in those situations and say no , what about ye ? one of the thing i personally hate the most are wedding what about ye ? often i find myself making excuses for him or just avoiding them as well to avoid another excuse.

I can understand why you get frustrated with him. When I don't do things, it appears that I'm being stubborn and just don't want to do it (even though that's not the case). I went to a Christmas party a few years ago and sat at the same table the entire time. When my husband tells me someone is having a bbq, I usually get that deer in the headlights look. Then he doesn't bother asking, he just makes up an excuse to the people. I know what you mean about not being assertive, I can relate. Not many people ask me to do anything but I couldn't say no either.

 

[recluse]

i was orginally attracted to him because he was a loner as strange as that may sound . He was always very shy , everyone also described him as very shy and he always struggled to relax around most people. i guess i never really thought that maybe it was actual beyond what i would deem to be JUST SHY. I think the language barrier and the different culture has made it more difficult and i worried about this before we left brasil.I totally accept the way he is its just i feel bad for him that it causes such a hinderance to him sometimes . He is also very proud and would never admit that he avoids certain things because of it

I'm glad to hear that there are people like you who will give people like us a chance.

 

[miss_amy]

No is hard is certain situations. How on earth do you say no to someone who asks you to their house for sunday dinner. You can make out you are busy that day then they just offer a different day. You can't say no thanks I'm busy for the rest of forever without looking like a total rude person. This happened a couple of weeks ago and you end up just having to go and having a few days before of feeling sick and feeling on edge the whol time there and then then 'oh god am I supposed to return the invite' PANIC!!!!

Any social situation for me is a problem, where you are expected to talk and interact. Whether it be talking to kids teachers, talking to someone behind the post office counter or even going out for a drink with my best friend. Even though she knows me and my problems I feel like going for a curry and drink is pain rather than pleasure. Staying at other peoples houses, like mother in laws is hell on earth. I feel constantly anxious and get physical symptoms that embarrass me more, like can't use the toilet, belly ache, headache, shakes etc....

I feel OK in what I call blank situations. Say if I'm in a crowded supermarket and no one really takes notice. I don't like it if they talk to you at the til and I don't like it if I think anyone is looking at me or my shopping.

 

[Argamemnon]

I'm glad to hear that there are people like you who will give people like us a chance.

But would we give them a chance as well, or push them away. I know what I'd do.

 

[Borx]

[I feel OK in what I call blank situations. Say if I'm in a crowded supermarket and no one really takes notice. I don't like it if they talk to you at the til and I don't like it if I think anyone is looking at me or my shopping.quote]

This is totally my husband
If he can get away with just blending into the backround than he will be ok , but if anyone has eye contact with him or tries to talk to him he looks to the ground mumbles( with the minimum) and looks for the nearest exit. Normally what he does if he sees people we know coming towards us is goes before they come . He seems to find practically everyone intimidating, this is what i have observed and i think people pick up this vibe and as a consequence feel uneasy too. I dont know if i should but sometimes i answer for him just to diffuse the situation happening ? I think people think that he is always this timid and curled up, which is not the case when we are at home. Its strange because i sometimes can distinctly see two different side to him and the transitions from one the other, can anyone relate to this ? This i find confusing that he can change from one to the other so rapidly and not be aware of it [/quote]

 

[miss_amy]

The more you say the more I think he does have it. I can't answer whether you should answer for him or not. Will he talk to you about it?? You need to decide between you what is best. Its probably different for everyone on how to deal with certain situations.

I know also what you mean about switching. I am OK, quite loud and outgoing in a comfortable situation, though not many of those! But panic sets in if something spooks me, like phone ringing, door knock or even just a bad thought or memory coming in to my head.

He may be aware of it but not wanting to admit. Took me 2 years of not leaving the house to finally admit I had a problem and had to sort myself out. I then saw a therapist. It had to be me that decided I was ready.

 

[Borx]

hi miss-amy
I have talked to him about this and he always comes up with lame excuses as to why he does not like doing certain things , he is a very proud person and he thinks to admit his has some sort of anxiety around people would be admitting that there is something wrong with him or that he is sick. I also think he thinks anxiety is a sign of weakness as its reflects a certain fear in you so for this reason he would not admit it . My mother even said to me the other day that his shyness seems to seriously impinge on his life , he has virtually no social life. If he did not work he would prob stay in the house all day. Can i ask you do you have a problem with trusting people ? I think sometimes he thinks i will leavehim because he is like this
Oh i wolud also like to say i saw your scrap on another forum about parents and anxiety and i found it compelling , you are a very brave woman ! and i hope things work out for you

 

[miss_amy]

I trust no one, except my husband. We have a strong close relationship and I know he won't leave me. As for everyone else, even family I do not trust. I keep everyone at a distance. I do have friends but they don't get to know the inner me and I don't share my feelings with them. I feel from let downs and people treating me badly in the past that I have valid reasons not to trust people, even people who seem nice can turn and have done.

Your husbands feelings of weakness and having something wrong with him if he admits he has a problem is how I felt before my therapy. It is hard to admit even to yourself. I feel like a normal sensitive person, nice and intellegent, not a mental case that I felt I would be labelled. Therapy (private) helped me explore why I have this and that I have valid reasons for being how I am and it's a normal reaction to what I've been through. I still keep it quiet that I have this, only my husband and mum know. People are quick to label nut case. So I still live with lame excuses. Therapy didn't fix me, I still have SA but it made me feel better about it and I am nowhere near as bad as I was, eg no longer house bound, drive, work and generally cope much better. I still have bad days where I cannot face life but they are just bad patches that pass. No one would have got me to go, it was a case of hitting rock bottom and having to realise for myself that I had to do something.

 

[Borx]

Miss- amy
I imagine you must find this forum a very good outlet for your emotions ? I never realised the benefit of the internet to people with anxiety related problems like yourself ? The funny thing i find about most people in this forum is that everyone seems very misunderstood and alone . Does this forum make you feel ' i am not alone'?. I personaly feel privileged to have found this site that i can understand to an extent ( never fully) where my husband is coming from and how his extreme shyness or anxiety is a terrible burden on his shoulders on a daily basis .
Do you have children ? how does it affect there lives ?

 

[miss_amy]

Yes this forum helps. Its a lot easier to chat online than in person and it does help to know that others have the same as I do.

I have 3 children aged 11, 9 and almost 6. I try my best to not let it affect them but I'm certain it does. Things like not letting their friends round as often as they would like, socialising with their friends mothers and taking them places that I would find difficult, say like the ball pool where kids play and mother sit and chat over tea. I do take them to these places but not as often as their friends do and it takes a lot of strength and suffering on my part to get there, then stay there.

Also things at school where other parents help out with reading in class or go on school trips. Those things are out of the question for me. I feel sorry for them but I think they get used to it how it is and I probably suffer more from guilt than they suffer from me not doing these things. Their dad does a lot with them, but they wish I could come sometimes when I don't.

 

[Argamemnon]

miss amy,

If I may ask; if you don't share your feelings with your friends, are they real friends then, or do they consider you as a real friend? I can't share or show my feelings to others either..

 

[miss_amy]

Suppose it depends what you call real friends. They are people I share interests with and get on OK with. I don't share my feelings or get close to anyone, not even my mum.

 

[Argamemnon]

I don't share my feelings or get close to anyone, not even my mum.

Me too, I just can't! But it is very depressing.

 

[Borx]

Argamemnon
do you mind me asking what age are you ?

Miss Amy
Would you find it easier talking about your anxiety to strangers or than people you know ? an if so why ?

 

[miss_amy]

Neither, don't want to talk about it at all with anyone, not face to face. It's OK here because no one knows who I am in real life. Also people here understand how it is.