Do you think how your parents raised you is one of the element?
- Thread starter bloveless
- Start date
my parents have always raised me with religion not that its a bad thing as I do have a belief in God but growing up every little thing i did was considered a sin weather it was a bad grade or if i attempted to make a friend they would tell me i am hanging out with the wrong crowd so yes i think the way i was raised caused my sa.
mikebird
Banned
bloveless
I agree completely. It took me years to realise what happened to me.
The main factors are the age of my parents when I was born. They were 50. They were not capable of raising a child by then. They were both retired. They came from a World War II era. I had two brothers 30 older than me - they made older-than-an-average-father to me. I was distant from my family. Most aunties and uncles are dead. Mum died a decade ago. I was cottonwoolled in my studies as you say. Friends are easy to make at school - it's all natural. We're all the same age. But people see that there was something wrong with me. When my dad met me getting off the school bus, everyone said "that's not your dad! That's your grandad!" It's tough to go against that. I never saw my parents touch, kiss or hug each other. When I met my schoolfriends' parents, I naturally saw their mum as "wow! she is really sexy!" and "your dad is quite strong!" This is when we were 12. The world was distorted around me.
My folks had my brothers when they were 17. Bold and confident working parents. I had 6 nieces who were of sister age related to me. I had a niece who was older than me.
I went to a birthday party when we were about 6. I cried, and wanted to leave. Mum was sad and wanted to take me home. She should have left me there, to rise to the challenge of fitting in. Parents tooooo soft. Protective. Only child. Growing up with grandparents based on WWII lifestyle... love everyone.
I was a menopausal baby. Battered immune system. ITP. Idiopathic Thrombocytopaenia Purpura. Stuck in hospital in intravenous therapy, which never worked. GPs 'banned me' from playing contact sport. If I was a father in that scenario, because of what's happened to me, I'd say 'ignore doctors play rugby, football and cricket. It you get hurt, bruised and bleeding, you'll get treated.' I could have been a sportstar. I wished I'd been in the military.
I never got to know my brother or even my nieces. I'll never be able to raise children after what happened to me. How can someone give birth to a human at 50? When you have a sentient, intelligent, 10-year-old, you're 60 and fragile. 20-year-old kid when parents are 70. Age gap is not just simple. Too many complications. Just one is how a kid can't see the problem until they get a bit older, and the parents can't see the ramifications!
I've spent years wondering if I'll ever meet anyone with a similar background. Not yet
I'm proud to be fighting fit, alive today... living alone.
I wish I was outgoing, and a valid soul for this world.
I agree completely. It took me years to realise what happened to me.
The main factors are the age of my parents when I was born. They were 50. They were not capable of raising a child by then. They were both retired. They came from a World War II era. I had two brothers 30 older than me - they made older-than-an-average-father to me. I was distant from my family. Most aunties and uncles are dead. Mum died a decade ago. I was cottonwoolled in my studies as you say. Friends are easy to make at school - it's all natural. We're all the same age. But people see that there was something wrong with me. When my dad met me getting off the school bus, everyone said "that's not your dad! That's your grandad!" It's tough to go against that. I never saw my parents touch, kiss or hug each other. When I met my schoolfriends' parents, I naturally saw their mum as "wow! she is really sexy!" and "your dad is quite strong!" This is when we were 12. The world was distorted around me.
My folks had my brothers when they were 17. Bold and confident working parents. I had 6 nieces who were of sister age related to me. I had a niece who was older than me.
I went to a birthday party when we were about 6. I cried, and wanted to leave. Mum was sad and wanted to take me home. She should have left me there, to rise to the challenge of fitting in. Parents tooooo soft. Protective. Only child. Growing up with grandparents based on WWII lifestyle... love everyone.
I was a menopausal baby. Battered immune system. ITP. Idiopathic Thrombocytopaenia Purpura. Stuck in hospital in intravenous therapy, which never worked. GPs 'banned me' from playing contact sport. If I was a father in that scenario, because of what's happened to me, I'd say 'ignore doctors play rugby, football and cricket. It you get hurt, bruised and bleeding, you'll get treated.' I could have been a sportstar. I wished I'd been in the military.
I never got to know my brother or even my nieces. I'll never be able to raise children after what happened to me. How can someone give birth to a human at 50? When you have a sentient, intelligent, 10-year-old, you're 60 and fragile. 20-year-old kid when parents are 70. Age gap is not just simple. Too many complications. Just one is how a kid can't see the problem until they get a bit older, and the parents can't see the ramifications!
I've spent years wondering if I'll ever meet anyone with a similar background. Not yet
I'm proud to be fighting fit, alive today... living alone.
I wish I was outgoing, and a valid soul for this world.
alspacka
Well-known member
My parents certainly played a role in me developing my SA.
Don't get me wrong, I love them and I appreciate everything they've done for me, but they just really weren't ready to have children.
Their marriage is a farce and they've both got serious emotional issues, all of which reflected onto me in one way or the other.
I don't feel like going into it too much. The way I see it: they made me more susceptible but I'm mostly 'responsible' myself.
Don't get me wrong, I love them and I appreciate everything they've done for me, but they just really weren't ready to have children.
Their marriage is a farce and they've both got serious emotional issues, all of which reflected onto me in one way or the other.
I don't feel like going into it too much. The way I see it: they made me more susceptible but I'm mostly 'responsible' myself.
JamesSmith
Well-known member
My parents encouraged me to make friends. The way they raised me has nothing to do with my SAD.
Gallahad
Member
While I'm unsure if I have AvPD(I suspect I do) if I do have it, it would be from upbring and peers.
While I do love both my parents they have sort of messed me up.
My mother(she was a single parent) was overprotective and sheltered me to much. She also blocks out unpleasant things even if they are stareing her in the face. Its how she copes, pretending the world is sunshine and unicorns.
My father is not well mentally. I do believe that too. I don't remember much of stuff from childhood but things got bad when I turned 13. I was already being judged negatively by my peers, I didn't need my father to do this. When I went to visit my father he would always tell me everything I wasn't doing right. I still remember him forcing me to stand up straight and telling me how I didn't do my hair right(said this all the time). My brother who lived with my dad, was talked about with much pride. Anything I ever did for my dad was never good enough. I've been hung up on a few times over stupid stuff. Once because I refused to debate with him.(hes known to get nasty with people in debates)
I never really did fit in with my peers from an early age. Think Lilo from Lilo and Stitch. That was sort of how I was when I was little. I was even obsessed with Elvis at one point in my childhood.
Getting back on topic now. I was always teased for my oddities. As I got older it was more about me being in special ed classes and riding the short bus. I was made fun of pretty badly for it. I even had a person how stupid I must be in order to be where I was. I just ended up blocking most everyone out and being mistrustful of them.
While I do love both my parents they have sort of messed me up.
My mother(she was a single parent) was overprotective and sheltered me to much. She also blocks out unpleasant things even if they are stareing her in the face. Its how she copes, pretending the world is sunshine and unicorns.
My father is not well mentally. I do believe that too. I don't remember much of stuff from childhood but things got bad when I turned 13. I was already being judged negatively by my peers, I didn't need my father to do this. When I went to visit my father he would always tell me everything I wasn't doing right. I still remember him forcing me to stand up straight and telling me how I didn't do my hair right(said this all the time). My brother who lived with my dad, was talked about with much pride. Anything I ever did for my dad was never good enough. I've been hung up on a few times over stupid stuff. Once because I refused to debate with him.(hes known to get nasty with people in debates)
I never really did fit in with my peers from an early age. Think Lilo from Lilo and Stitch. That was sort of how I was when I was little. I was even obsessed with Elvis at one point in my childhood.
Getting back on topic now. I was always teased for my oddities. As I got older it was more about me being in special ed classes and riding the short bus. I was made fun of pretty badly for it. I even had a person how stupid I must be in order to be where I was. I just ended up blocking most everyone out and being mistrustful of them.
StupidWiz
Well-known member
I can't help but cry when i saw your story because it's almost exactly the same with what my parents (mostly Mom) did to me. Now I'm having APD and can't finish college study because I'm just too scared to write a thesis. Sometimes I wonder if it'd be best for me if I just crawled somewhere and die... :
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theslowesthand
Banned
I've been over and over this, for many years, and frankly i'm a bit sick of all the analyzing - i've done it to death on them, and for what reason?. I'm well-aware (& on most days) that they have been a very significant contributor to my present-day problems. But its not all bad - and when you keep thinking of all the negatives, it shuts-out the positives, and i'm sick of viewing them as such (negative), as its a drain on my enthusiam for life; unecessarily negative. Not trying to preach, just saying this is how it is for me now.
So how much they have affected my life is not really the issue now (or i'm trying not to let it be an issue). There's an age-gap thing (dad was early 40s, & mum about 5 years less, when i was born). They're really "old-school" - very strict, closed-minded, intolerant, angry, forbade any discussion of "feelings", absolutely hopeless with feelings ("practical" basic farmer-brown types),... So some significant parenting problems there, but is very hard to form overall conclusions, as things are a complex combination of things .. which is why negative/critical thinking about them hasn't been that helpful.
Not "GOOD" parents, but not "BAD" either, just somewhere in-between, and i think a bit below the "average", maybe "on the cr*p side" or sth like that; or "commonly dysfucntional". I think a big part of equation is ME, the CHILD. They have been VERY bad for a child like me; i needed VERY different parents than them to have evolved into an "okay" adult. Wasn't the case, so not the case. Confusing, as there's many other things in life that have affected me, in smaller ways, but some (like bullying, public ridicule) may have affected me to a degree not that much lower than parenst have affected me.
Now i am trying more to focus on what i need to do, to "fix" myself, if that's possible.
So how much they have affected my life is not really the issue now (or i'm trying not to let it be an issue). There's an age-gap thing (dad was early 40s, & mum about 5 years less, when i was born). They're really "old-school" - very strict, closed-minded, intolerant, angry, forbade any discussion of "feelings", absolutely hopeless with feelings ("practical" basic farmer-brown types),... So some significant parenting problems there, but is very hard to form overall conclusions, as things are a complex combination of things .. which is why negative/critical thinking about them hasn't been that helpful.
Not "GOOD" parents, but not "BAD" either, just somewhere in-between, and i think a bit below the "average", maybe "on the cr*p side" or sth like that; or "commonly dysfucntional". I think a big part of equation is ME, the CHILD. They have been VERY bad for a child like me; i needed VERY different parents than them to have evolved into an "okay" adult. Wasn't the case, so not the case. Confusing, as there's many other things in life that have affected me, in smaller ways, but some (like bullying, public ridicule) may have affected me to a degree not that much lower than parenst have affected me.
Now i am trying more to focus on what i need to do, to "fix" myself, if that's possible.
Waybuloo
Well-known member
I strongly believe so. I have SA and am avoidant because of my past which was determined by my parents. I was raised by one grandparent who was cold and standoffish, and another grandparent who just got on with housework and chores and didn't treat me like an impressionable social human being. I spent most of my childhood alone. I did not know how to relate or talk to people since my early years. But looking at pictures of me as a toddler, I was a happy and expressive child..that was before my mum left me.
I think that bringing up a child in a poor environment and not being able to measure up to other kids' wealth doesn't matter. It's how you shape their thoughts and emotions that count. You could be the poorest family in the neighbourhood but if mum and dad loves their kids no matter what personality or physical traits they have and show plenty of affection, then I don't think there should be any problems contributed by upbringing.
By the way OP, are you Asian? It sounds like a typical oppressive Asian upbringing to me. I think you could've been born with disposition to developing emotional or mental disorders, but if you had been brought up by more loving and understanding people then your problems probably wouldn't have manifested.
I think that bringing up a child in a poor environment and not being able to measure up to other kids' wealth doesn't matter. It's how you shape their thoughts and emotions that count. You could be the poorest family in the neighbourhood but if mum and dad loves their kids no matter what personality or physical traits they have and show plenty of affection, then I don't think there should be any problems contributed by upbringing.
By the way OP, are you Asian? It sounds like a typical oppressive Asian upbringing to me. I think you could've been born with disposition to developing emotional or mental disorders, but if you had been brought up by more loving and understanding people then your problems probably wouldn't have manifested.
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Skullomania
Member
oh my parents. They don't talk to people outside our family and don't permit me to talk to other people or have any friends. My mom can get angry but for the most part she's nice. Just has different opinions that could be considered backwards. She's loving but sometimes has these paranoid thoughts and prejudiced viewpoints. My father on the other hand is a mess. Has a lot of deep rooted problems and poor judgement and takes it out on me and my mother. Thinks he has a right to be nasty and mean to anyone just because he had a hard life. My brother is not with us anymore so it might have heightened their feelings. My parents are very negative people and will go ballistic (like an atomic bomb went off) at a single thing going wrong. Even someone dropping a fork. It strange because I want to please them and I am scared of them yet sometimes I really hate them. Especially my dad. The more I tried to do right it always came out being wrong. They believe daughters are only good for cooking and cleaning and then marry them so that they do it for their husbands. I really don't want that fate.
Aside from that, I grew up very poor and had a speech impediment so I was believed to be cursed form day one.
My parents are hard working but at the same time very unpleasant. One minute their okay and the next minute they are ready to kill each other and drag me in the process. They don't like weakness. I'm pretty sure most of my anxiety and social phobia came from them genetically and because they themselves were anti social and barred me from talking with other children. They look at things negatively all the time. Like if my mother was to buy a bag of fruits, my dad will scream at her for buying something he feels was too expensive. I don't know. My parents are a real mess. I don't want to be like them.
Aside from that, I grew up very poor and had a speech impediment so I was believed to be cursed form day one.
My parents are hard working but at the same time very unpleasant. One minute their okay and the next minute they are ready to kill each other and drag me in the process. They don't like weakness. I'm pretty sure most of my anxiety and social phobia came from them genetically and because they themselves were anti social and barred me from talking with other children. They look at things negatively all the time. Like if my mother was to buy a bag of fruits, my dad will scream at her for buying something he feels was too expensive. I don't know. My parents are a real mess. I don't want to be like them.
Kathryn.fr
Well-known member
I don't blame my parents. They raised two kids the same way before me and they turned out fine, but they were already like 6-12 when my mom met my dad. But when I was born, my parents did kind of shelter me from everything, I wasn't aloud to eat school foods, had to bring my own lunch in a paper bag and I got teased bad for it idk why. Mostly just got called "poor kid" when I got older I didn't really grow up like normal boys, I was just different and so I got teased for looking like a girl, girly boy, eye shadow boy, makeup boy, or just girl lol. I was born Intersexed so I didn't grow up with a normal boy body =\ Being teased definitely affected me at home too though, I'd cowar away from my parents and soon I just lost like...all the communication skills. I got punished a lot for things kids shouldn't be punished for also, like dropping a glass and breaking it, one of which we had dozens of, usually just got hit. Used to get hit by those old christmas wrapping tubes across the back and thighs, now I'm afraid of them and hate christmas. Loud noises, like screaming/yelling in anger shuts me down too, my dad did a lot of that lol. I brought all this up to him about a month ago and he's like "...I don't have anything to do with that, you're just shy and dress like a punk and people don't like people liek that." ...so yeah, I think they (mostly my dad) did have a lot to do with it as I couldn't even talk to them about being teased without being punished. But I did kind of have social issues before when i was little.
Honestly, I don't think my parents had any effect on me being SA/avoidant other than passing on some awful genetics. My mother was a nervous person, prone to depression (for good reasons), extremely focused on taking care of me while working full time; as I was a difficult (screaming) child from birth, she sometimes got overwhelmed, and that would occasionally cause her to blow up, scream, and say things she didn't mean, but not in a really damaging way. My father... was insane... but my mom left him when I was 5 and after that I only had to see him for visitations. And when I was little, I don't have any memories of him being insane to me in particular.
After age 5/6, my grandma was my other main parent. She was anxious and depressed a lot, but she was a terrific grandma and really never made me feel bad about anything.
I was never abused, told I was ugly, or any of that stuff. So I don't think my upbringing had anything to do with it.
After age 5/6, my grandma was my other main parent. She was anxious and depressed a lot, but she was a terrific grandma and really never made me feel bad about anything.
I was never abused, told I was ugly, or any of that stuff. So I don't think my upbringing had anything to do with it.
Oh yes, they definitely contributed. I was never rewarded for accomplishments, nor given much affection. Due to a very hectic household situation I started to isolate myself in my room. There I was mostly alone with my cat, and I just watched tons of TV and played any game I could get my hands on.
On top of that, even though they weren't abusive parents, but they made many stupid mistakes that stuck with me. My dad for example expected us to get in contact with him after they divorced, making clear he didn't wanted to much effort into it. Basically treating us like acquaintances rather then his children. And my mom snapped very often when we did something wrong, unconsciously making us feel guilty as she did so. She not like that anymore, but back then it happened quite frequent.
The isolation, behavior of my parents, and some other things I'd rather not go into right now, caused me to become socially illiterate. Though, that lifestyle also made me very mentally independent.
But yeah, seeing as they had control over the whole situation and did little to change it, they're definitely responsible for a part of it.
On top of that, even though they weren't abusive parents, but they made many stupid mistakes that stuck with me. My dad for example expected us to get in contact with him after they divorced, making clear he didn't wanted to much effort into it. Basically treating us like acquaintances rather then his children. And my mom snapped very often when we did something wrong, unconsciously making us feel guilty as she did so. She not like that anymore, but back then it happened quite frequent.
The isolation, behavior of my parents, and some other things I'd rather not go into right now, caused me to become socially illiterate. Though, that lifestyle also made me very mentally independent.
But yeah, seeing as they had control over the whole situation and did little to change it, they're definitely responsible for a part of it.
Kasini
Member
When I was younger I was in denial about the impact my parents had on me. The older I become the more clearer it becomes. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that the people are suppose to have nurtured you, they tried, but it all came out wrong...their parents too tried and didn't do too well. My parents were so anxious about me being social in the world...they taught me not to trust anyone. If men wanted to be a close friend, they must be gay, stuff like that...
I have learned to feel bad about being sensitive and passionate. It made my parents uncomfortable. Hell yeah my parents had an impact, but I don't blame them anymore...wait til you see the impact you have on your own kids.
I have learned to feel bad about being sensitive and passionate. It made my parents uncomfortable. Hell yeah my parents had an impact, but I don't blame them anymore...wait til you see the impact you have on your own kids.
In my case, yes. My mom was a big part of the problem. Not gonna go into details here. It's a LONG story. But if you are interested I wrote about it "my battel with avpd"
But, I know I already had the traits even before my mom had a chance to make it worse.
So, I guess part nurture part nature.
But, I know I already had the traits even before my mom had a chance to make it worse.
So, I guess part nurture part nature.
Felgen
Well-known member
I have Asperger's syndrome and this is the major cause of my anxiety. That being said, my parents used to punish me hard and humiliate me for 'bad' behaviour and strongly reward me, brag to me to their colleagues, praise me and so on for 'good' behaviour, with the result being that I'm both insecure and genuinely arrogant at the same time.
I didn't have the same experience as you, but I have the same insecurity + arrogance.
I think it might be natural.
I am insecure because of my social awkwardness. Yet arrogant because of my intelligence.
Haha, I have the perfect example of one time when they were both quite obvious. I was about five years old, in a veternary clinic. My dog got nervous and peed on the floor. I went up the the receptionist and said "excuse me, my dog just urinated on the floor."
The look on her face, hearing a 5 year old say urinate instead of pee. Ha, it was enough to make me want to curl up in a ball and die. Hilarious looking back though.