Do you think how your parents raised you is one of the element?

[bloveless]

hi I'm new on this forum
I'm 24 yrs old.
Naturally a lonesome person.
I think the way my parents has raised me has given me APD.
I was an only child. Parents were very poor and they make sure that I know that our family is poor. And they also repeatedly told me that they would buy me things instead of buying for themselves.
But I never really have any things I wanted. All they told me was to study. I was not allowed to go outside by myself.I was told that I'd be kidnapped if I go outside. And my mother told me all people are bad, my relatives included ( I was 5 or 6yrs old) You believed whatever your parents told you at that age.
Adult me now know that nobody would kidnap a poor kid.
My friends can come visit me but I was not allowed to go visit them. Eventually they stop coming.
I also avoided any activities that cost money. School field trips included. No sports, no fun hobbies, they all cost money. My only hobby was reading.
I never had a bf either because it'd interfere with my studies.
I was an A+ student and still I was always criticized by my parents.
I became too different from my peers. It became worse in teenage years. Even people I know at school, classmates started avoiding me. In turn I no longer seek to make friends with people or try to make conversations. (It's years long process) I became so jaded and no longer trust people.
I really believed the way my parents raised me really ****ed me up in the head.

Ps: where I grew up in kids(teenagers) cannot work. I had no choice but to rely on my parents and had to feel like a leech.
My mother always told me I was fat. I'm now 120 lb with 5'4" and I weighed less.(My mother is model thin and pretty) Being repeatedly told that you were fat do wonders to the confident of a teenage girl.

I apologize for my writing mistakes. I'm not a native English speaker.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Well it sounds like with those extremely negative influences, that yes they could have moulded you into an APD person... Those are some unfortunate things to be told while young and unmoulded.

As soon as you become aware of something, you can change it. As soon as you have the possibility to change it, it's your responsibility in my opinion. With a lot of work we don't have to be like this forever. So I wouldn't say that solely your parents 'gave' you AVPD... I would say that it developed from a number of circumstances that you now can take control of. With awareness, you become a more important element, although you're only an element for as long as you are aware of the problem (no fault placing on yourself as a kid or anything!)
They are a very large element for as long as you are not aware.
Once you ARE aware, you are at your baseline. Any improvement is not being still "below normal", it is being better than you were.

Your parents always give you something... in some cases it is a stable base to build on, and others it is the opportunity to learn to build your own base.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

I'm just going to say no. I don't think so.

My family was homeless a few times. We live in low-income housing next to a crackhouse. That's where I was raised; but my parents (who were divorced shortly after I was born) did everything they could to make sure I grew up a decent person.

I'm not a bad person just because I'm agoraphobic. It was my own choices that led to me becoming who I am today.

My parents *were* understanding and open with me, though.
They did not yell at me over little things. They gave me alot of freedom.
We didn't have money for me to do 'back to school shopping' < that was an alien concept to me-- but once I was old enough to start working, I worked very hard so that I could help with bills and buy myself things that most other kids had without even having to ask their parents.
That gave me a strong work ethic- an understanding of money and an appreciation for the small things that every person in Canada has; and many people in other countries do not ever get. Clean water, free healthcare, the ability to go to school... etc.
They might seem insignificant but they are important and appreciated.

I am who I am today because I just am.
My parents had nothing to do with me becoming worthless at age 21. That is all on me!
They raised me to respect people, to work hard, to treat others kindly- and I do. I might get stepped on; but I'm never going to stop being a nice person because of it. I might be scared; but not hateful.

I know it's easy to blame your parents for your 'shortcomings'-- especially when they were hard on you. Perhaps it was nurture that made you into a person who feels 'mentally defective' and not nature... or maybe you were just born to be a person who is shy/scared/avoidant/antisocial?

You are the only person who can change who you are if you don't like the person you've become.

 

[NewtoThis]

I've always heard in Psychology that behavior is 50% how you're raised and 50% genetics but I definitely believe my family contributed to my behavior both ways.

The first time I ever invited anyone over (when I was 3) my parents were furious! Of course, they had a reason, they are hoarders and didn't want anybody seeing our house. Also, my sisters would run away whenever somebody approached our door. There was a real separation between domestic life and school and I never really got to know the people in my classes after the bell rang.

As a result, I never invited anyone to my house and I don't know how I would. Seems simple to ask someone over but I cannot seem to get myself to do it.

 

[Shant]

According to them, the first five years of my life, were largely isolated. Not so much so that I never left the house or anything, but still significant- no preschool, few early friendships, overall, combined with Asperger's and ADHD tendencies, left me with a lot of social ineptness. But not social anxiety, necessarily. (I'd say the two were connected, though, the ineptness never really went away; with bullying I'd become more aware of the ineptness, and after a while, the anxiety came later. It's why I fear saying the wrong thing.)

My parents, relating to social anxiety? Maybe, if not at least the depression. They have been overprotective, following an authoritarian style of parenting, quick to tell me I'm wrong, my father's christian-conspirator-gone-wrong telling me how evil the world is, not really giving me much room to make my own choices, never really even trying to understand my perspective, instead telling me how bad their childhoods were and therefore I should be a happy child like I used to be, they can't really ever consider they might have made a single mistake.

Then it's just dissonant when they always tell me they "love me", and have the best intentions, but end up using this as a guilt-trip: "Most parents aren't loving like us, ours weren't, but we are. You don't see us with problems, do you? We got over it. You have even less problems, if anything. Just get over it already!". There is at least one thing wrong with the whole picture, since I do pretty much despite my father and wish I would never see him again, and fear standing up to my parents and everything. (Which they usually don't take seriously because my father's parents were abusive, and he believes he's not like them but he does go with corporal punishment.)

 

[NathanielWingateSpaghetti]

oh, without a doubt.

 

[ILovePocky]

Maybe a little.
When I was younger there was a lot of things going on in my family. My grandfather was sick and in the hospital, my brother was getting into trouble with the law and my sister was on medication after medication for her seizures. My dad was working all the time and my mom had her hands full with the two of my siblings. I didn't want to have friends over because of all the chaos.
I didn't get involved in sports or clubs because I knew my parents wouldn't have the time or money.
However, my parents have always encouraged me to be outgoing. They do try to understand where I'm coming from, and they're two of only a few people I trust. So I wouldn't blame my problems on them.

 

[bloveless]

I do love my parents despite their short comings.
@IlovePocky: we both know how hard it is to be out going when you are poor
and I have low self esteem to boot.

 

[superfluouslyme]

I think it can play a part in your anxiety, social phobia, etc. But I think that most people probably have those issues to begin with and childhood just exacerbates those feelings. A lot of people have lingering issues with their parents, both big and small. It's really one of those things that is unavoidable. I love my parents dearly; they have been very helpful in my diagnosis and treatment. But most of my insecurities come from childhood 'trauma,' which they are inevitably involved in.

 

[Dronee]

To OP: I think you've had a difficult time growing up. There needs to be a balance of protecting the child's physical security and ensuring that she also has the freedom to grow. When the balance is tipped either way, it's detrimental.

Still, you're an A+ student, so that's something at least.

 

[Kiwong]

No, definately not.

It is the dysfunctional world of people first at school, then at university, then at work that have contributed.

The safe home my parents gave me may have saved me from suicide in my teen years. That was when the toruble began.

My parents were the best, and in comparison to them the world of people is stuffed.

 

[Streifen]

I was raised by parents who themselves were very selective about who they socialized with and were quite private. My mother worries alot and is mistrustful of people, while my dad has a very pessimistic view of society and seems to praise people with cold or aggressive attitudes. High school is were I started to really have trouble and crawl into my shell alot, as I did in my room at home, because people's negativity affected me alot, but I bottled it rather than say anything.. and stopped interacting as much as I could, to avoid it (except for online). As a child of an abusive home, school and the outdoors were my preferred environments until high school, after which it felt like the only safe place I really had was the outdoors or my room, until we moved to the suburbs, where nature was gone and it felt like all I had was my room at that point. After spending years working through my emotions, I feel more social and confident now than I have in the past, but I still live in a negative environment, unfortunately. As soon as I can move, I think I would improve even more.

 

[Lawrens]

Yea, there is a certain effect on your personality from how you were raised.

I feel that some people were conditioned into thinking some things are hard, negative, bad, we see adults talking about how things sucks, we have teachers telling kids about how hard a formula is (they should let the kids decide for themselves, and just focus on teaching and teaching them how to solve a complicated problem), but of course, if they made everything to seem easy, kids might have a low esteem when they think the problems should be easy to solve, but that's why they have to keep trying and make sure they raise their kids properly, which some really doesn't.

 

[darkrider]

Same here. My mom never wanted me to play with the toher kids in the neighbourhood because they were a bad influence. yeah pretty much I'm from the ghetto.

Then she wonders why I can't socialize very well. It's not my fault at 3 years old I was taught 'Don't talk to anyone"

 

[Lucia]

Yes, I think it is. I grew up in a very secluded area-- no neighbors at all. My dad was gone all day and my mum pretty much ignored my sister and myself.
But, the real impact was that whenever someone would come to the house, my mum would make us come inside, lock the door, pull the blinds in the windows and we'd sit in the dark until they left. I learned to be terrified of people coming to my home.
The phone was the same way with her-- answering the phone was something we didn't do-- incase the 'wrong' person called. I'm still not sure who we were avoiding, but the panic to fear everyone has stuck with me.
I also grew up poor. I never had opportunities to do activities in school and my mother wouldn't allow me to have friends over.
I still would say I had a very good childhood though.

 

[Alice In Chains]

I grew up with grandparents and lived in a pub so they worked full time and left me with babysitters or by myself upstairs. Before my diagnosis with social phobia & personality disorders I was initially referred to a psychiatrist because my family believed I had Asperger's Syndrome, but he thought that my social development hadn't gone the way it was supposed to because I spent so much time by myself. I'd also learned to avoid other children at an early age because I was bullied so much at school - it stood out that I'd been brought up by older people e.g. I was picked on because I had patches on my school jumper, my grandmother was very much of the "make do and mend" era and thought it would be a terrible waste to throw it out and buy me a new one. So I definitely think that upbringing was part of the problem

 

[theslowesthand]

Naturally a lonesome person.
I think the way my parents has raised me has given me APD.
I was an A+ student.
I became too different from my peers. It became worse in teenage years. Even people I know at school, classmates started avoiding me. In turn I no longer seek to make friends with people or try to make conversations. (It's years long process) I became so jaded and no longer trust people.
I really believed the way my parents raised me really ****ed me up in the head

SNAP!!!

My confidence was "shot" from an early age. So i'm totally used to not even trying with people (as i knew, esp in past, that i didn't have the social ability to to be liked, etc)

I found solace in my studies, and :. was an A+ student also.

Parents are one of the biggest influences in your life, unfortunately (or fortunately - depends on quality of parents).
And although they try, most parents on earth i think start off very well (when have a new baby/toddler - just basic/primary needs), but most tend to end up in all the years following that, as being pretty much "crap" parents - its just the way it is. Very very few are "experts" at parenting, just like very very few people are experts at any field. They're usually just too busy doing their thing to study-up & train on being better parents. The consequences of poor parenting can be DISASTROUS - but they don't see that - i think they're thinking they're doing their best, and that they're "okay" at parenting - NOT SO. But such is life. In time, with more global/media awareness, i think parenting will get better. Its definately seems to have gotten better wthin the last 100 years (i think?).
Another way to look at parents is this: That they are here to TEACH YOU LIFE LESSONS. And in another post recently i said that maybe your soul finds "suitable" parents/life in order NOT to be "happy", but in order to "LEARN" life lessons from. Whether your parents are "friends" to you does not matter in this regard, as you will learn life lessons whatever the case - whether you "get along" with them or not (but probably will learn more if don't get along with?)

 

[Nanita]

to bloveless: I was sad to read about your childhood.

I grew up with a father who was an alcoholic. he has done so many things that affected me deeply. He hurt me, humiliated me, embarrassed me, and let me down so many times.
He always had changing moods. One day he would be in his room all day, sleeping, drinking, whatever. The next day he would be all active and joking. Then he might suddenly get irritated/angry at me. I´m thinking slightly manic-depressive.

Besides all my bad experiences with my dad, I also had other negative/hurtful people in my life, when I was just a little kid. So yeah, I would definitely say that these situations have caused me to become sensitive and scared of people, and low self confidence, that´s for sure.

 

[Rose_Red]

I think it's played apart in my life.
My mother was incredibly over-protective and she got really paranoid over things, and never let me do much and she's still this way. My father was ... yeah.. I'm not going to even go there.
But when I started school in new entrance I remember that there was something socially wrong with me then too, I guess I've always been this way.

 

[Hottie]

Yes i believe that my up-bringing played a HUGE part in me developing social anxiety.

By my parents, i had to go through physical and mental abuse. So i believe that if i didnt have to have suffered thru that then i may not be where i am today.

However saying that, my anxiety started in school...