Do you ever feel like people take an instant dislike to you?

[WishingICould]

I really try my best to make friends with people or at least get to know them a bit but something i'm doing is obviously putting them off. At least, i think so. I don't know whether it's the SA or if people actually do dislike me.

I feel incredibly lonely a lot and tearful when i think about everyone else going out and socialising with all their friends. I don't know if it's because i'm too quite or not smiley enough or maybe something else but i've given up trying to work it out.

I've met people who are complete d*ckheads yet they have loads of friends who think that they can do no wrong yet here i am, pretty much alone. I hate it and i hate myself.

 

[ForeverTheWeirdKid]

You should find people like you.

 

[SilentBird]

I instantly think, and consequently feel, that people dislike me because I dislike myself. But I do think that a lot of people are unsure of talking to someone who is quiet or shy.

 

[WishingICould]

You should find people like you.

How, exactly? :idontknow:

 

[Lou-s-Darkness]

Yeah...I totally understand where you're coming from...it's a real fkn pain in the ass ...I just gave up on making any friends....So I just stay clear from people...I can literally spend my entire summer at home, because I don't have friends and because I just hate being in public spaces ....my laptop is my only friend..."normals" suck ass.....I wish there was like an island where people with SA can just live there and have no normal ppl intrude whatsoever...One can only dream, sigh...

 

[MikeyC]

I don't know whether it's the SA or if people actually do dislike me.

If you are quiet around people, they are likely getting the impression that you dislike them, and in turn they will dislike you because you're not engaging. I think it's mostly to do with the social anxiety.

I've met people who are complete d*ckheads yet they have loads of friends who think that they can do no wrong yet here i am, pretty much alone.

This bears a close resemblance to men who say, "women only date jerks."

I think these "d*ckheads" you mention probably don't have the warmest personalities, but they have something they can offer their friends that they do have: similar interests, similar personalities, drug contacts (lol), and other things. You always see those with short fuses with friends - it happens everywhere - because they can click with other like-minded people.

It's hard to make a friend, I know that. There are friend-finding websites that you can use if you're that way inclined. I think that would do you some good to get yourself out there. :thumbup:

 

[vj288]

No, I feel sometimes people instantly think I dislike them though. If I don't say anything it may seem like I don't wish to talk to them, and hence don't like them. Some may get frustrated and annoyed with me easily but I can be frustrating from their perspective.

 

[lauralaurent]

I agree completely.. I think people instantly pick up on my SA and dislike me for it! My family and friends don't really understand this or believe me. But strangers, authority figures, teachers, etc, especially, pick up on it immediately and just become rude or angry it's very upsetting I've been picked on by teachers and professors for it, strangers, etc... I try to laugh about it and say they can smell my fear.. but I wish extroverts were more accepting But they don't understand and are unwilling to.. think I'm a snob.. etc.. :/

 

[jaim38]

I can relate to this. Everytime I go out with a friend (it doesn't matter which one), I feel less significant. People treat me different than they treat my friends, for the most part. Waitress and salespeople will talk nicely to my friends but they either ignore me or not say much to me. It's the same thing with teachers. Teachers like my friends better than me.

 

[ForeverTheWeirdKid]

How, exactly? :idontknow:

join a club that revolves around a long-term interest.

 

[daisydaydreamz]

Hi. Your post really struck a chord with me because you remind me of my younger self. It would be fair to say I spent the first 35 years of my life feeling just like you. You know you are a good and kind person therefore you deserve to be liked, yet it is near impossible to make friends and get others to like you.
I used to feel sad and lonely, I believed I would one day have a social life if only I could find the right 'niche' to fit into, but it never happened.
Looking back on my life now that I'm older and wiser, I could count the real friends I've ever had on one hand. I believe people like us unwittingly give off messages that cause others to be wary of us, I wouldn't say they dislike us, it is more that we are harder to get to know and sometimes appear standoffish. I am sure the majority of my work colleagues do like me, they see me as someone quiet and serious but hardworking and reliable. I am 44 years old now, and have gotten to know myself, good points, bad points and all my limitations very well. I have never been out of work, have married and had 2 children, so although I've never had a 'social life', I do have a life!
The main point I'm trying to make is: Get to know yourself inside and out and accept yourself for who you are. Real friends when they come along are few and far between, but worth waiting for. It just takes someone willing to scratch below the surface to find that genuine likable person that you are.

 

[rosewood]

join a club that revolves around a long-term interest.

great idea. :applause:


i notice that i am either too quiet from the stress of trying to engage people or i swing the other way and wind up being too talkative.
:shyness: i think i miss basic nonverbal language that is supposed to tell me what to do or say while i am busy being consumed with anxiety.

this is what i am finding out after going to a few church interactions: people are as fearful as we are to make new friends. what i mean is this: if you dont look like them, think like them, talk like them, they are afraid. not on the level where we are at, but it is still a fear. i dont think they even are able to recognize it as such.

i would try to reach out to hobbyists or groups that have a common interest or goal and test the waters. i personally like groups that allow all types to come in - and if it is political or religious to allow folks who have opposing views to express themselves. i think it is safer being around people who want to be openminded.

 

[Hellhound]

How, exactly? :idontknow:

How about online?

 

[Hellhound]

I try not to assume they dislike me unless they give obvious signs. Instead, I just think that our personalities don't match.

 

[WishingICould]

Maybe i'm the problem. Whenever i meet someone new i automatically think, in my head, "they think you're weird/boring/ugly etc" It's just an automatic thing that pops in my head that i can't control. I've been told i look serious and need to smile. I think because i'm always so anxious and self concious i come across as sad/miserable because, frankly, i am.

 

[planemo]

I think socializing, especially going out with friends and being in a social setting around different people (like a restaurant or cinema etc) is all about appearances and body language. It's all about the little things on the surface and not much else. People pick up the cues of others and present their own set of cues. If you're anxious, or worried, you'll stand out without a doubt since people sense our uneasiness and then become uneasy themselves.

That's what socially clued people do. They're all smiles, and trying to present an image of happiness and fun. It's just what humans as social beings do. Some people are more prone to being happy and chatty anyway, but generally people accept that when you're in a social setting you have to put your best face and attitude forward. When you don't fit that system you may be seen with a level of contempt, but mainly i think people see our defenses are up and wonder why, and then react less jovial to the ones who seem less jovial. But since it's all on the surface, it means their feelings are the same. You can't possibly hate someone you have never met before, because they seem quiet and withdrawn.

Plus since we're hypervigilant about any possible rejection or alienation we pick up these cues much easier than others, and then it sets off our already negative pattern of thinking. So it's a bit of our fault in that we're not quite conforming, and since we read too much into what others possibly think. If a person genuinely dislikes you just because you're not the life of the party, then there's something wrong with them, and not you.

But in saying that i think that people tend to look down on people who are "unfriendly". People often mistaken our reclusive behaviour as being rude or unfriendly. That's normally when their prejudices kick in, and they can turn nasty even though to you you're not doing much wrong. But to them it's a totally different story. So in essence it's a whole melting pot of reasons, but ultimately we should try not to care what people think since those same people who see us as unfriendly will regard us as being a show off or arrogant if we try to make ourselves noticeable.

 

[WishingICould]

I think socializing, especially going out with friends and being in a social setting around different people (like a restaurant or cinema etc) is all about appearances and body language. It's all about the little things on the surface and not much else. People pick up the cues of others and present their own set of cues. If you're anxious, or worried, you'll stand out without a doubt since people sense our uneasiness and then become uneasy themselves.

That's what socially clued people do. They're all smiles, and trying to present an image of happiness and fun. It's just what humans as social beings do. Some people are more prone to being happy and chatty anyway, but generally people accept that when you're in a social setting you have to put your best face and attitude forward. When you don't fit that system you may be seen with a level of contempt, but mainly i think people see our defenses are up and wonder why, and then react less jovial to the ones who seem less jovial. But since it's all on the surface, it means their feelings are the same. You can't possibly hate someone you have never met before, because they seem quiet and withdrawn.

Plus since we're hypervigilant about any possible rejection or alienation we pick up these cues much easier than others, and then it sets off our already negative pattern of thinking. So it's a bit of our fault in that we're not quite conforming, and since we read too much into what others possibly think. If a person genuinely dislikes you just because you're not the life of the party, then there's something wrong with them, and not you.

But in saying that i think that people tend to look down on people who are "unfriendly". People often mistaken our reclusive behaviour as being rude or unfriendly. That's normally when their prejudices kick in, and they can turn nasty even though to you you're not doing much wrong. But to them it's a totally different story. So in essence it's a whole melting pot of reasons, but ultimately we should try not to care what people think since those same people who see us as unfriendly will regard us as being a show off or arrogant if we try to make ourselves noticeable.

That makes a lot of sense. I just wish i was normal and happy/chatty and that everyone liked me. I'm sick of feeling like an outcast.

 

[planemo]

That makes a lot of sense. I just wish i was normal and happy/chatty and that everyone liked me. I'm sick of feeling like an outcast.

Well it's normal to feel that way. But the truth is there would still be people who wouldn't like you, even if you were the happy/chatty/confident type. That's an unfortunate fact about being human. You'll never be able to make everyone like you. Sorry you're feeling like an outcast. It sucks, i know.

 

[WishingICould]

I think i hate myself more than anyone else ever could.

 

[planemo]

I think i hate myself more than anyone else ever could.

Maybe that's the real problem, as opposed to whether others dislike you (instantly or otherwise).

I think most of us here have that problem of self hate/loathing. If there was a cure for that, i know we'd all be rushing in line to get it.