Do people w/APD have the ability 2 give someone a chance, to date..fall in love?

[Darryl]

Thats so interesting..especially when you do want the relationship and there is someone that wants to be with you but your subconscious is telling you its not going to work, not for you, not meant to be, etc. very sad

It's a gradual thing, so it sneeks up on you.

You see someone mentally strong who your attracted to.

The AvPD tells you this person can give you support and you will live a perfect life and the problem will be solved.. but only if you can get this person.

You are happy with these thoughts- and your led to believe this is the start of your new life.

You get the person you have always wanted and slowly different thoughts plague your mind, couple of lifes hick-ups and you revaluate.

Look at what I have written and it's a by-product of Avoidance Personality Disorder- It's a Avpd trait.
Thoughts controlled by Avpd will be your undoing.

What I have written is the good part
You can see how you behave according to the Avpd code of ethics

Understanding is the way to control Avoidance and relationships- You understand how avoidance is trying to manipulate your way of thinking you can default it.

 

[eternalnewb]

Thanks for the welcome kato and Darryl. Finding this forum has been great, I don't feel quite so alone anymore

 

[joey_122]

I find it impossible to get close to people it just makes me uncomfortable i thought that i would be able to grow out of it but it doesn't look like it

 

[Darryl]

I find it impossible to get close to people it just makes me uncomfortable i thought that i would be able to grow out of it but it doesn't look like it

Aaarh that is until you find the right person

 

[Sial Axetder]

Aaarh that is until you find the right person

What about the left person? What's wrong with that person? Maybe they're easier to find.

 

[Tiercel]

I've come across many left women in my life. They always seem to pop up at my 6:00.

Congrats to those who get the bad joke. It's quite difficult.

 

[Darryl]

What about the left person? What's wrong with that person? Maybe they're easier to find.

On your left or my left?

 

[sickofbeinglonely]

I would say I have APD though I'm not diagnosed. It's got much worse over the years to the point where I'm almost a recluse. I would really like to get close to someone and have a relationship but often have felt that others haven't given me the chance. The last couple of years I've got to know a few women but only online or sometimes through talking on the phone. I have started to develop feelings for a couple of them but found that, though I don't tell them this, if I hint at this they seem to push me away.

This happened earlier in the year with a girl who had made what seemed like a half hearted suggestion of meeting up if we lived closer. I was all for it but she immediately distanced herself, sropped calling. We're not in touch now as she sent me a snotty text and that was the end of it.

I've spent the last couple of months struggling with my negative thoughts, procrastinating about joining dating sites but then telling myself I can't create a decent profile and that I won't be able to send out any messages (for fear of rejection) and that nobody will think I'm worth sending a message (as this has happened before.)

I always imagine that if and when I do get to know a woman who likes me and I feel accepted that I will become a stronger person and be more comfortable in situations that i would usually avoid. I hate the way I can't make any progress because of my obsessive thinking and setting myself up for failure.

 

[TooShyShy]

I was always told that men who are avoidants are afraid of love, women, relationships, physical contact, etc. but crave it more then anything!!! Is that true?

They DO want a relationship with a woman, to be in love, to have sex, get married,have kids, etc.

Is any of it about being hurt..being betrayed..left by the woman in his past possibly?

 

[coyote]

Is any of it about being hurt..being betrayed..left by the woman in his past possibly?

it very definitely can be

or at least if those things happen, it can make things worse

 

[eggpod]

Part of AvPD is low self-esteem, and I guess it could swing both ways. If I ever manage to get a girlfriend then one of two things will happen:
a) I will be cured
b) I would worry that I'm not good enough, what does she see in me, she'll probably cheat on me and/or leave me.
Being a little optimistic I'm hoping for a), but there are doubtless many that default to b).

 

[TooShyShy]

Where does the ''i'm not good enough...'' thing come from? Is that what the avoidance is about...the fear that your not good enough or that you will fall short in some way????

If she's with you then SHE thinks you are good enough for her and vice versa..so why be so hard on yourself and freak out? I never got the hiding or running away part of APD..especially if its something you want?

 

[coyote]

Where does the ''i'm not good enough...'' thing come from? Is that what the avoidance is about...the fear that your not good enough or that you will fall short in some way????

If she's with you then SHE thinks you are good enough for her and vice versa..so why be so hard on yourself and freak out? I never got the hiding or running away part of APD..especially if its something you want?

learned defenses

bad habits

we learned at an early age that things worked out better for us if we just stayed clear of trouble

 

[TooShyShy]

Thats sadand very unfufilling i would think.

 

[coyote]

Thats sadand very unfufilling i would think.

yes, indeed

 

[EscapeArtist]

learned defenses

bad habits

we learned at an early age that things worked out better for us if we just stayed clear of trouble

Yes

sdgsdfgdgf

 

[TooShyShy]

Everyone...

How do you unlearn these behaviors and have you tried different things?



If so..what have you tried? Do you know why it didn't work?



Are you on meds as well?

 

[equivocate]

I believe we do have the ability to fall in love, although it's more difficult for us.

It might sound insane, but I fell in love with the most ridiculously outgoing man after he spent a lot of time chasing me. It took some time for me to actually feel comfortable with him, to trust him and actually form, and show, some kind of emotional attachment, but he didn't give up on me.

Even now, we have huge arguments about the fact that I can't (won't?) make friends or leave the house, but having someone who, at least partly, understands what you're going through is a great help. He gives me motivation to get myself out of a slump by inviting me to things with his friends and talking me through how to actually interact with people, or just sitting at home with me doing nothing. I found that, with someone that close, it's actually not the end of the world when they criticise you because somehow you're able to realise that it's not intended to harm you.

I guess people with APD or a social anxiety disorder can fall in love, we just need to somehow find the person who thinks we're worth chasing and waiting for.

 

[Mickery]

I have no problem with love, just the practical side of it. In the wider sense, I wonder if I will ever be capable of happiness. I ruin the limited opportunities I get, but even if I got over that I can't help but think that I'll struggle to feel I deserve it and, consciously or otherwise, will undo it. Kurt Cobain Syndrome, if you will.

 

[Shant]

Where does the ''i'm not good enough...'' thing come from? Is that what the avoidance is about...the fear that your not good enough or that you will fall short in some way????

If she's with you then SHE thinks you are good enough for her and vice versa..so why be so hard on yourself and freak out? I never got the hiding or running away part of APD..especially if its something you want?

learned defenses

bad habits

we learned at an early age that things worked out better for us if we just stayed clear of trouble

This.

I'm sure it's possible, but until I have a drastic mental change soon, it's not happening for me. I've never had a relationship with another, I've never felt "in love", and to be honest, don't ever feel like falling in love. I don't want to. Because that involves leaving oneself vulnerable; to not only get hurt, out of distrust towards others, but at the same time, fearing that simply by being close to another, I would be burdening someone.

Maybe soon I'll overcome this, but at the moment, I just don't care. Love seems overrated, anyways. Possibly I've been so disillusioned by the concept of love and betrayal from an early age, that I never opened myself to ever trying.