Did you see it coming?

[destructoroflife]

It's 4 am here, and I was just thinking about the past, exactly my high school years.

So it's inevitable to compare my state now from my state then.

I graduated with "honors", had one of the highest GPA of my generation. I managed to get perfect test scores in math and sciences, and yet, here I am several years later, a college dropout who has never worked, never had a relationship, fat, yellow teeth and not one ounce of motivation.

What's funny is that most of my classmates from high school, the ones that never exceeded at anything, are working or studying now, probably happier than I will ever be.

I used to visit other SP forum, and there was a guy that lived near my area, he told the story of his life, basically a 30yo man, still living with his parents, dropped college years ago, no stable job. And I read that and told to myself: "Man, that will NEVER be me, I'm glad for that. At least I'm already half way through my career".
But here I am, foreseeing the same future that poor fellow shared.

Right now, I don't want nothing from this existence. I see life and I see death, and neither one appeals to me.

I'm an old man, I feel like I don't want anything else but let things go its course and passively let my being deteriorate and wait to die.


So, did you see it coming too? Your fall? Did your teenager self even wonder if you'd end up in this state?

 

[hardy]

ya..pretty much sums about my story. But maybe maybe, this is happening for good. Life is more than getting good grades..it's about taking the hits and moving forward. The hopelessness might be temporary if we can learn from life...!!

What is ur life teaching you?

 

[Kiwong]

I felt like that in my 30s too. Then I hit the lowest point of my life, my great fall, in my late thirties, early forties. Then somehow, I fought hard, and recovered my life. The last 5 years from 46-51 have been the best of my life.

In my 30s I didn't think I would live until 50, and to be honest I didn't really live that long.

 

[laure15]

No I didn't see it coming. In high school, I had dreams of becoming a successful professional. I thought I would graduate college within 3-4 years then go on to get an MD or at least a phD. After all, I had one of the highest grades in high school and was very active outside of academics. At least I had some pride in myself.

I had cousins who never attended college but I thought to myself I can do better than them. But many years later, I never imagined I end up even worse than they are; no college degree, jobless, underachiever, etc. Who knew?

 

[Goblinko]

No, not at all.

My 16 years old myself never imagined that his 26 year old self would become somebody 'lost' in life, not knowing exactly what to do, living in a metaphoric 'island' they call 'favela' while still living with his perfectionist and nitpicky parents. mg:

But, as hardy said, I'm living and learning, despite all this, and working in my writing 'career'.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

You're not an old man! I have to lol on that one. (no offense). The problem with people like us is that we can't see anything positive. You're still young. Yes, maybe for now, there's a lot that you can't change. But, you do have some things in your control. Why not get in shape? You'll look better and feel healthier too. Start with that.

 

[Diend]

I thought I was a smart guy but reality is reality. Not sure if bending reality would help. I used to go to sleep thinking everything would be alrite when i woke up.

 

[tonicobastos]

My story is not that different from yours. I was always one of the top students in school and got a fancy certificate for graduating with the best scores in a class of 75 students. Once in college everything started to fall apart, during the first 3 years I was a mediocre student and during the last 3 semesters I've been a complete failure. Still wondering what went wrong, where did all my motivation go.

 

[theslowesthand]

I graduated with "honors", had one of the highest GPA of my generation. I managed to get perfect test scores in math and sciences, and yet, here I am several years later, a college dropout who has never worked, never had a relationship, fat, yellow teeth and not one ounce of motivation.

What's funny is that most of my classmates from high school, the ones that never exceeded at anything, are working or studying now, probably happier than I will ever be.
...
Right now, I don't want nothing from this existence. I see life and I see death, and neither one appeals to me.
I'm an old man, I feel like I don't want anything else but let things go its course and passively let my being deteriorate and wait to die.

So, did you see it coming too? Your fall? Did your teenager self even wonder if you'd end up in this state?

I was in the top class, constantly got "outrageous" test scores in my favored subjects of maths & physics (usually 100% or near to). A few times got top student score in country for exams ...... But ALAS, here i am now, feeling practically at-deaths-door every second day - damned if i continue living, damned if i don't it seems.

Even just a few years after high school, i already felt i was "going down", so i was too "ashamed" to keep in touch with anybody, not that i need any extra help, as had SA/SP/shyness.

I think deep-down i "KNEW" that the chances were high of me ending up "low", but maybe i wanted to stay believeing the delusion i had convinced myself to believe - that i could & would be a success, even if i had no real idea of HOW i would make that happen. I just couldn't accept failure in all areas, and just had to excel at something, which in hindsight perhaps stopped me from attempting to address my real, actual, deep problems. I knew i was a 100% complete failure in certain areas, and thought was okay or okay-ish with such; but again, i failed to delve down any deeper to find the truth; the reality was that i probably wasn't at all "okay" with those things.
So in short, YES i did see it coming, but i was too caught-up in stuff to correct set my priorities in life, so i did the wrong things ... and now it may be too late i fear...

 

[theslowesthand]

I felt like that in my 30s too. Then I hit the lowest point of my life, my great fall, in my late thirties, early forties. Then somehow, I fought hard, and recovered my life. The last 5 years from 46-51 have been the best of my life.

In my 30s I didn't think I would live until 50, and to be honest I didn't really live that long

I find that (slightly) reassurring. My "great fall" began a couple years ago (i am 41 now), and now most days are hellish/torture. So my self-appraised life-expectancy is currently down to a few few months .. to a couple years.

 

[theslowesthand]

You're not an old man! I have to lol on that one. (no offense). The problem with people like us is that we can't see anything positive

i've always felt like an "old man", even as a child - that's how negative & gloomy & non-fun i was. :sad:

 

[Kiwong]

I find that (slightly) reassurring. My "great fall" began a couple years ago (i am 41 now), and now most days are hellish/torture. So my self-appraised life-expectancy is currently down to a few few months .. to a couple years.

The lowesthand, I started having my first panic attacks when I was 40. I thought I was dying I had no future, my life was completely diminished by ill health and pain. I think I was at my worst in 2005, I was overmedicated, completely debilitated and so damned frightened. I didn't think I was going to last the year.

Somehow my life changed, out of necessity. I fought hard just to survive, and I did. My life started to change for the better in 2008, aged 45.

It seems to me life can change for better or worse at any time. There is no guarantee which way it will go. At least I fought at my lowest, even if it was only out of spite for the pain I was in.

 

[destructoroflife]

I just realized I didn't answer my own question.


I definitely did not see it coming. I've always been a dreamer, so I had high hopes for my future, perhaps too high, certainly too high at this point in time.

So yeah, my problem is that I idealize too much, but I don't have neither the will nor the ability to put those dreams into the reality realm.

When I got to college, I just started to realize my need to appear normal, a thing that I've never been good at. I really don't care to be awkward, is just that I need to hide it, but I can't.

 

[Richey]

Yeah I knew from early high school that something was a miss, that I just didn't have a lot of confidence and was a bit slow in terms of learning as well, maybe that was just laziness. I was really reserved and was pushed around every lunch time by the bigger students, like a rag doll. In front of lots of students who were walking past as it all happened. The school was not a good school either. It has this really gloomy atmosphere about it, hard to describe.

I was in and out of the student welfare room, this ultimately led to avoiding classes. I mean who would want to turn up to these sorts of learning environments??

So I knew that it would set me up for a hard life in terms of succeeding, because I lost that belief and confidence that you need growing up, so I also lost all those great experiences you are supposed to have growing up, like relationships, good friends, travelling, fun times.

In primary school (years earlier) things were a lot better. It was high school that everything changed.

I thought I was nice, but I was too mild mannered and reserved that it just affected the whole experience.

So I've grown up with very little belief in myself, though I did study further education, I just don't have the ego or the confidence to function like I should. I go up and down like a rollercoaster when it comes to following through with plans and always have career plans, but never achieve them.

It is really awkward at family parties, because all the younger people my age have their dream jobs, their homes, are married, it is cringe worthy when they start asking me about my minimum wage nothing job, non career, etc. ...I end up thinking "why did I even turn up to this party"..