Did i deserve getting physically hurt?

[kilojoule]

Thanks everyone. I guess I just feel like it was my fault because I went along with it.

You said 'no'. A lot of times people blame themselves in these kinds of situations, it takes time.

I think maybe it'd be good to talk to somebody about what happened, help clear your mind. Do you have know of some place you could go or a helpline you could call? Nobody will tell you that you're over reacting, I promise.

 

[SmileMore]

I don't really have anyone I could talk to. At the end of the day, I went along with it and it's not like I was raped so I don't think I'll get much sympathy.

 

[kilojoule]

I'm a gonna send you a pm if you dont mind

 

[Agent_Violet]

It's not like you were raped? Honey you need to look up the definition of rape. Yes,you were in fact raped.

Like the others said,no means no.You said no,he kept going and hurt you.He could have seriously damaged your body!

If it were me,I'd out him to everyone he knows including his girlfriend. I don't care if he was drinking or not.Alcohol is not an excuse to be a caveman.

 

[Steelsoul]

You said as if you made him to hurt you, while the reality is completely opposite. Leave this awful experience behind and move on. You and him are no longer related to each other.

 

[Odo]

I don't really have anyone I could talk to. At the end of the day, I went along with it and it's not like I was raped so I don't think I'll get much sympathy.

It does sound like it's bothering you and not just in the way that some encounters come with heaps of guilt and regret in the morning... so maybe you should try talking to someone who actually knows what they're doing and can be trusted not to flip out or overreact. I would say if you can't stop thinking about it and it's interfering with your concentration/daily life then you should definitely think about seeing a counselor.

 

[myheartisastone]

Before i write this i know some people are probably thinking i deserved what happened but here goes.

I was out one night with some friends and a guy i know was there too. Me and him had a casual thing a while ago but that finished. I regret that because i ended up liking him even know i knew it was only casual. Anyway that ended about a year ago.

So, i didn't know he was in town that night and was a bit suprised but i didn't say much to him. As the evening went on i had a few too many drinks. I'm not usually a big drinker but i felt nervous because he was there so i must have gone a bit too far with the drink.

He has a girlfriend who he's been with since our "thing" ended. At the end of the night he walked with me as we were both on our way home and the place he stays when in town is sort of near me. I wasn't thinking too clearly and let him hold my hand.

We were walking through a park and he asked if ii wanted to sit on a bench for a bit and chat. I said yes, not sure why. A few minutes later he said he knew we were supposed to be friends but he found me very attractive and started touching me. I let him does this but then he took me to a more secluded spot and asked for oral sex.

I said i didn't want to but he kept insisting so i did for about a minute but stopped. He asked me to do it again but this time i said "no", he pushed my head down and it hurt my neck, i ended up doing it again for a few minutes.

After that we ended up having sex. He wanted *nal sex and i told him he was hurting me but he didn't stop he just said he'd go slower. Once it was over i went home and so did he.

He text me after saying how great it was to see me and everything. The day after i was in a lot of pain and i told him it hurt me. He said "oh that's not good, we'll have to be more gentle next time" i told him there would never be a next time.
Now, i know what happened was partly my fault and i went through with it but i can't stop thinking about that night and how aggressive he was. I know it could have been the alcohol but i just feel really confused about the whole thing.

Was what happened just a drunken thing? Did i deserve getting hurt? Am i making a big deal over nothing?

No, it is not a "drunken thing". It's an "asshole" thing.

If someone forces you to do something sexual that you did not want to do, it is never your fault. This guy is a tool.

 

[Subpop]

It's not like you were raped? Honey you need to look up the definition of rape. Yes,you were in fact raped.

Like the others said,no means no.You said no,he kept going and hurt you.He could have seriously damaged your body!

If it were me,I'd out him to everyone he knows including his girlfriend. I don't care if he was drinking or not.Alcohol is not an excuse to be a caveman.

Apart from the above, if this happened some time ago and you are still thinking about the situation or perhaps even 're-living' the emotions that you felt at the time then you could perhaps try and seek out a telephone counselling service that would preserve your anonymity but allow you to discuss what happened.

 

[hoddesdon]

No, it is not your fault

 

[MoonBoom]

He took advantage of your situation. You aren't to blame. Whatsoever. To think even remotely close that you are to blame is a travesty. Under the law, that is rape, no matter what you think and how you feel of the situation. Point blank, he used you. You let your emotions control your thoughts and feelings, but ultimately he used you completely, and you should stand up, own up, realize what's going on, and know you aren't at fault at all. Things happen, like someone else said use it as a learning experience, but know for all times HE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOU. Don't make excuses for yourself. You're stronger than that. It was something that happened, learn from it, and never let it happen again.

 

[SmileMore]

Thank you for all your responses. I just think "rape" is too strong a word for what happened. Yes, he did push my head down the first time i said no but when i pulled away he did stop. If he then held me down and forced me then i would have called it rape.

 

[MoonBoom]

And what happened after he "stopped". He raped you. The reason he "stopped" is probably because he saw you were getting upset and wanted to keep his agenda of raping you "with your consent". His text and reply the next day said it all. You have the power, not him. He's to blame, it happened, dont beat yourself up about it.

 

[rosewood]

This happened a while ago but it still bothers me. I wouldn't go to the police because it was mostly consensual. It's just the fact that he didn't stop when i said it hurt, he just said he'd go slower instead and the fact he didn't seem to feel bad about any of it. I guess it just shook me up a bit because i'd never seen him like that before. Maybe it was the alcohol.

I stopped reading right here, so if someone else has answered this the same way I apologize.

First, he approached you when you were drunk. You were vulnerable. This is a tactic that date rapists use, because it is so easy for them to make the victim believe they asked for it. This should bother you, as he hurt you and did not own it, stop, and apologize. People who do not stop at no are usually abusers as they are not concerned in the slightest for the other persons welfare or personal boundaries. It wasn't consensual sex the second you said no. I am so sorry this happened to you. That guy is drooling scum.

 

[SmileMore]

I didn't say stop I just said it hurt and he said he'd go slower. I wasn't held down and raped. If I had said "stop" he probably would have.

 

[lyricalliaisons]

Like everyone else says, he should have let up when you said "no". It was his fault. You need to stay away from him because next time it could be worse.

 

[kilojoule]

Do you think if you had of said 'no' a second time it would have been 'rape' ?

 

[SmileMore]

I did the oral sex thing out of my own free will even though I didn't want to. After I stopped I then said I didn't want to carry on and that's when he pushed my head down. When he pushed my head down he didn't force me to give him oral sex, I pulled away and said I didn't want to and he said ok. I don't think I'm explaining myself very well. He didn't force my to give him oral sex.

 

[kilojoule]

I just want to give you a hug :sad: Im so sorry this all happened. This guy is such a scumbag. Its gonna take time.

 

[AGR]

Thank you for all your responses. I just think "rape" is too strong a word for what happened. Yes, he did push my head down the first time i said no but when i pulled away he did stop. If he then held me down and forced me then i would have called it rape.

I completely agree with you from what you said in this thread,the guys isn't a rapist,he is an asshole,I hope you stay away from him and don't make the mistake of going back to him again or being vulnerable around him again,if you do it will become a vicious circle.

 

[coyote]

Was what happened just a drunken thing? Did i deserve getting hurt? Am i making a big deal over nothing?

even if a woman does want to engage in sexual activity, it doesn't give the other person permission to injure them, debase them, humiliate them, or force them to do things they'd rather not do

there seems to be this idea among some men that if a woman consents to sex, that means a man can do anything he wants and the woman has to like it - this idea is ridiculous and untrue

some men will even point out that many women prefer to be submissive in bed and allow their partners to dominate them, or that many woman like men to be aggressive lovers - but that only applies when the woman trusts that the man won't hurt or degrade her

when a woman says she likes her partner to be aggressive, what she is looking for is passion - she wants to feel like the man is so into her, that he can't control himself, NOT that she wants him to force her to do things she doesn't want. she wants to be made to feel special, NOT treated like a piece of meat

no one wants to be abused - it's not sexy or erotic. anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot.

alcohol is no excuse

you didn't do anything wrong

you didn't deserve to be treated that way