Destined to be a recluse forever

[sickofbeinglonely]

I didn't know whether to post this in the "Avoidant Personality Disorder" forum but I'n very depressed at the moment and in a state of despair. ::

I rarely post on here but this is a cry for help as I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm probably older than a lot of people here (being 35) and feel time's running out for me to achieve anything with my life.

I've never had many good things happen in my life. I was bullied at school which caused me to be suspicious of people and unable to trust them. Many of my adult experiences of people have made me even less trustful of them and I've often felt used.

I've never had a proper relationship but never thought it would be so impossible for me to even get so far as a date. I've spent the last efw years putting myself out there on various sites, only to be met with indifference, even rejection. I've tried to become friends with women on support sites like this one as I used to have a friend who met someone and got married. Absolutely nothing has worked for me. It seems the more I try, the more bad luck I have.

I used to see myself as quite a romantic person, kind, generous and caring. But that's not attracted any women. It seems as though there are so many "bad guys" who get the women, the ones who treat them like **** and probably make them think twice about having any kind of relationship again (a lot of women I've exchanged messages with appear to have known such blokes and aren't looking for a boyfriend, while I'm desperate to find a girl who will love me.)

Recently, I've become increasingly obsessed about sex. I've never had sex and have a terrible stigma about being a virgin at my age. Words can't describe the mental and emotional torment I go through daily. I feel as though everyone else is getting it including other people with social anxiety. I try not to think about it but everything I watch or listen to has some sort of reference to sex. Every time I go out I see a woman I find attractive and can't cope with my emotions. So over the years I've become more of a recluse to the point where I hardly go over the doorstep now.

I can't see any future for me. I can't even make decent friends, let alone find someone special. Even when I try to have fewer expectations of people everything goes wrong and people treat me like crap. Almost everyone I've known has been able to attract someone. I'm not even bad looking, have some interests, but feel ciompletely undesirable.

I was thinking about coming off here as I don't feel I'll be able to connect with anyone (I have so little confidence and self esteem that, whereas I used to at least try to interact with people, I'm scared to now because I think eventually being constantly ignored will push me over the edge). But when I looked there didn't appear to be any option of closing my account.

Maybe I should stay or just not look at the forums. I don't know what to do. I feel so isolated and disiullusioned. I need friends really, someone who can bring me out of myself and help me at least get some of the confidence I had back before my life fell apart.

 

[kihira]

Recently, I've become increasingly obsessed about sex. I've never had sex and have a terrible stigma about being a virgin at my age. Words can't describe the mental and emotional torment I go through daily. I feel as though everyone else is getting it including other people with social anxiety. I try not to think about it but everything I watch or listen to has some sort of reference to sex. Every time I go out I see a woman I find attractive and can't cope with my emotions. So over the years I've become more of a recluse to the point where I hardly go over the doorstep now.

Quite seriously, would you consider getting the help of a sex worker for overcoming this feeling of it being a stigma?

 

[alanj]

I sincerely wish you the best of everything in life. Don't forget you are not alone in experiencing low self-esteem and no confidence. Most people on this site know all about that.

SA takes time and patience and many small steps of progress to overcome. I would just advise you to keep track of your negative thoughts and consciously choose not to follow them and do this ALL the time. You need to start feeling good about yourself but only because YOU choose to feel good about you and not based on other peoples feeling about you. Come from WITHIN and don't look outside yourself for validation and approval. All this will take lots of practice but it will be joyful practice when you start getting in gear. Just keep practicing, practicing, practicing, practicing.

 

[sickofbeinglonely]

Quite seriously, would you consider getting the help of a sex worker for overcoming this feeling of it being a stigma?

Yes, I have but don't really know how to go about it. There doesn't seem to be much help available. I actually went to Relate six years ago but they couldn't do anything to help me.

 

[EscapeArtist]

If you want badly enough to not be a recluse, it will happen.

I can't offer much other advice though

 

[sickofbeinglonely]

I sincerely wish you the best of everything in life. Don't forget you are not alone in experiencing low self-esteem and no confidence. Most people on this site know all about that.

SA takes time and patience and many small steps of progress to overcome. I would just advise you to keep track of your negative thoughts and consciously choose not to follow them and do this ALL the time. You need to start feeling good about yourself but only because YOU choose to feel good about you and not based on other peoples feeling about you. Come from WITHIN and don't look outside yourself for validation and approval. All this will take lots of practice but it will be joyful practice when you start getting in gear. Just keep practicing, practicing, practicing, practicing.

Thanks. alanj. I actually have been trying harder than ever this year to challenge my negative thoughts. I keep looking for things to distract myself but then I lose the motivation and start dwelling on the bad stuff again. I'm finding it very hard at the moment not to look outside for validation and approval. I just feel like I've seriously failed in life. I've not worked or studied for five years, have been on benefits for 12 and have only one real life friend who is in much the same situation. I know some people here might not have any friends but it's hard work with him sometimes as he's very intense and overpowering at times. We do actually have a lot in common in terms of interests but he goes on about women so much it's hard to forget about the frustration I feel.

I've had a recent bad experience with a woman I met on another site who I spoke to on the phone for several months. This has made me fel worse than ever. She doesn't live near me but suggested the possibility of meeting up in late July. Since then she became cold and distant with me (she had said early on that she can't get close to people). I tried to help her with her issues, listen to her problems but she didn't want to know about mine. AShe's had relationships and sex because blokes approached her in the past even though she doesn't have much to offer and is quite selfish. I can't approach women and have found on dating sites that they won't approach me.

So anyway, eventually I got sick of her playing mind games with me and decided not to bother with her anymore. I realise I was getting desperate and clutching at straws and she wouldn't have been right for me anyway. But it would have been nice to actually meet up with a girl even just as a friend instead of always feeling that I'm not worthy of anyone.

 

[Feathers]

Hi!

I think actually there may be quite some people around your age and older (there have been some threads like that, check them if you haven't already, quite eye-opening...) There are both men and women who haven't met that special someone yet..

If you're on benefits, at least you have some stable income. Can you do some volunteering? A LOT of causes need good people to help, and it might be easier to meet someone caring that way too..
Maybe check if there are any organisations locally?

How about any interesting courses or workshops? You might meet people there too.. (eg cooking course or even something as exotic as composting or such? ) Massage workshops? (A friend of mine went when she was feeling lonely.. Met lots of people and got a licence for maseuse even.)

Someone mentioned a website for people with mental health issues, have you checked it? Not sure what your problems are, only SA or anything else? You can do stuff to help with any depression or such (nutrition, exercise, walks in the sunshine.. maybe join a hiking group?)
Have you tried CBT, journalling, EFT, TAT yet?

I'd also really recommend changing your nickname into something more positive and uplifting, or at least neutral, if you choose to stay here? (Check with mods if that's possible..)
Words can have power over how we feel and how others see us..

I've learnt a lot from this site, including what (not) to do.. and what can help.. There are lots of articles and sites and books specifically about dating or approaching women, or about getting friends or good communication with oneself and others.. (Or even some films/videos.)

Some people can have issues. I've had a needy/too intense friend too.. She's still my friend but I established some distance/boundaries (and changed telephone provider so the rates are higher for her , mean I know, but it was getting out of hand!! Actually it was my mum's idea to get a cheaper rate, this was just a side-effect!!) We still meet up sometimes, she's actually easier to talk to RL when walking or such.. (Can't really keep track of her men though either..) Though she's funny and interesting otherwise..
Also there are some phone tips that can help...

Even though some people are intense, it doesn't mean everybody is like that!! Maybe you can work on establishing boundaries.. And it's good you take time to get to know people, so you know if they are for you or aren't!! (Some people just don't...) Have you made a list what kind of people you'd like to hang out with, and maybe tried to figure out where they hang out?

 

[sickofbeinglonely]

Thanks for your positive reply, Feathers. I have read about others who are close to my age who are still single. The thing is they've often at least had the opportunities to go on dates. For the last few years I was on a number of sites and was hoping to get a date but it never happened. I still can't understand why not one woman wanted to meet me! I've known of people with no looks and even less going for them than me that women have agreed to meet up with!

I don't actually have too many worries when it comes to money. I also am optimistic that if I stopped receiving benefits then I could start selling stuff as I have a huge collection of music, videos, magazines etc (I had to be doing something while I cpuldn't have the social life I desired!). I have considered volunterring and even done some in the past. But the last times I looked into it I didn't find anything suitable. I've become a terrible procrastinator (well, I'm actually very good at it!) and so often consider things but don't attempt them. I don't get any real encouragement from anyone so tend to stagnate. I had ambitions when I was young but, due to circumstances and lack of confidence, could never fulfill them. I'd have quite liked to have been a musician, singer in a band, stand up comedian. Instead I'm a nobody.

Between 1998 and 2006 I regularly went on various courses and attended workshops for people with mental health problems. I made a really good friend on one course who sadly died early in 2006. (My life has gone downhill ever since.) I also met another guy who turned out to be a bit of a stalker, started to use me as an emotional crutch and wouldn't leave me alone. Thankfully he's out of my life now. I made other friends but none were as special to me as my friend who died. (He was also the first person I met with manic depression and I learned a lot about that illness through him.)

I can't pretend that I didn't spend all this time hoping to get a girlfriend because I've been obsessed about it since I was 23. I've only had one relationship which came about when I was 29 because an older woman made the first move. She wasn't ideal for me but being with her seemed better than being alone.

I've been on numerous support sites for people with mental health issues. In some ways it actually made me worse. Some were set up in a similar way to MySpace where you could add people as "friends". I found that if I didn't put myself out there and say hello to people or leave friendly messages that nobody bothered about me. Out of all the people I had on my lists, only a few of them seemed like genuine friends. I've also come across some strange people on them who are incredibly offputting (for reasons I don't wish to describe here)and turn up on almost every site I go on. It's like they're omnipresent! I can't avoid seeing them!

The last person I saw in the NHS (a "consultant psychiatrist" who was as cold as ice and very unapproachable) suggested exercise, walking, change of diet etc. (She couldn't offer me anything or refer me to someone else because their resources are so limited - I lost faith in the NHS for help ages ago.) I did do all these things for some time but find it impossible to rid myself of the negative thoughts I have as nothing ever works out for me. It was interesting to see her reaction when I told her about my social phobis though! She just looked bewildered then came out with the standard cliches!

Yes, I have other problems in addition to SA. I've suffered from OCD since I was six though I wasn't diagnosed until I was 23. I also get depressed and am very sensitive and emotional. I also think I have mild BDD. I certainly have problems about my appearance which causes me to feel very self conscious in public. I avoid mirrors and have rarely had my photo taken since the age of 14.

The only CBT I've had offerd to me was one to one with a guy who I had a personality clash with. The NHS wouldn't let me see anyone else so I stopped after six sessions. The main advice that has always stuck with me was when I told him about my sexual frustration and how I wished I was able to approach women I find attractive. He told me to just go up to strangers and make conversation!! I couldn't believe it! I still think if I had I could have ended up getting into trouble or being thought of as "weird" or "creep" at least. I've thought about other kinds of CBT but haven't looked into anything. I may also have ADD as I have a lot of difficulty concentrating which is another reason why I can't study full time (apart from being around people).

I came up with my username five years ago and I think it's one of the best names ever!! No, seriously, it fitted how I felt then and how I feel now though if I was joining the site now I would probably call myself something else. I have a habit of choosing names I later change my mind about! I didn't like the one I used on a dating site and discovered I couldn't change it so left the site (though I would have left anyway since I went largely unnoticed - there were people on there with atrocious names anyway!). I'd change it if I could but I don't know what to - I'm very indecisive.

I've read some articles on dating and approaching women but some have made me feel even more apprehensive about it. Maybe I've read the wrong ones.

My friend rarely phones me but expects me to call him! (Though, more recently, he started calling me.) I can have a real laugh with him at times as we both share the same sense of humour and have a wide appreciation of all kinds of music and comedy! He also happens to be an expert on both. There is more to me than a miserable thirtysomething desperate to be loved but it never seems to come across online or in my profiles. I don't think it helped being on sites such as POF where there are many more men that women and a lot of them are very forward (I have spoken to women who've had awful messages from pervy men on there). I'm not on there now and probably won't go back on there again. I changed my profile regularly, even writing quite funny things at times but nothing worked for me.

I'm definitely more assertive with my friend than I used to be and recently had a break from him after seeing him several days a week because he was lonely and needed me. (He's in much the same boat, still living with his parents in his early 40s and as inexperienced with women as I am.)

No, I've not really made a list of people I'd like to hang out with. I'm not that fussy as long as they're kind, friendly, not extroverts and understand and accept that I have limitations and don't judge me for having mental health issues and shutting myself away for so long. That's something else that I find hard to deal with when it comes to meeting people. I'm very honest and would prefer someone to know I have problems than present myself as someone who is "normal" and have them later discover my limitations.

 

[Kiwong]

Like 'sickofbeinglonely' I'm basically a recluse and 47. And you know what? I have come to the point in my life that I don't think it is a bad way to be. A change of perspective of seeing the best in a situation can mean a world of difference.

I love my idependance. I don't think I would want to be any different. I have time to pursue my running adventures whenever and wherever I want. This brings me so much inspiration and hope. I am at the point in my life that I don't feel the need to share this with another person. Why fix what isn't broken?

The hard part is being able to communicate in the world of people. I'm not looking to form relationships, just to fit and feel a part of something positive. My anxiety gives people the other impression and I hate that misunderstanding.

To my mind, sufferers of anxiety need to take steps of communication a bit little at a time. The first step would to be able to improve confidence in communicating with people on a daily basis. This can be hard enough. Taking that huge step of trying to communicate with the opposite sex with the view of forming relationships, might be steps too far, for someone who finds general communication too hard. Take baby steps towards that, is my advice.

You've got to find things you have a passion for, and focus on them, I reckon. You become interested and interesting to other people that way. And if you are focused on passions in life, who knows if someone might come along who you want to share those passions with?

Also I am a virgin and it doesn't bother me anymore. I rarely think about it, and sometimes I think it is something worth maintaining.

 

[Aussie_Lad]

It sounds like you are trying to set a goal that is unachievable at this stage. Instead of setting a huge goal that is out of your reach, try setting a few smaller goals first and then act on them. For instance forget about even going on a date for now, simply find a way you can meet women and approach them without any conditons in your mind. Just chat to them and get to know them. You may find that you happen to click with one or more. After that then maybe it will lead further, maybe it won't. Whatever the case, it doesn't matter because you haven't set out for it to lead anywhere, so anything you get is a bonus.

ps. I'm 33 and a virgin, and not bothered at all by it.

 

[Gerdje]

Never give up sickofbeinglonely,

I'm in the same boat as you are, only difference is that I'm 38.
I really know what you're going through, I really understand you "feel" unattractive in every sense, I know the feeling, every next day is another "lost" day, and with every day you THINK you lost, you're forcing yourself even more, and get even more obsessed with the idea of being a recluse, a virgin, a nobody, etc... forever, and then you think by yourself 'how will it come if it didn't come in 38 f***'in years ???'

If I wouldn't be in the exact same case I would love to give you the vital clue to stop poisoning yourself and your self-esteem with these always returning thoughts, but unfortunately I can't do it myself.

Try to take back from the gas pedal in your head, and don't take things like no(t enough) replies on forums, twitter, MySpace, whatever as your fault, because you're not attractive enough for a conversation or.....

I don't understand it myself how people could have 1000, even 50 "friends" on some forum or media, I don't believe people would still have fingers left if they would be able to keep the "conversation" going on with all of them.

Take it a *little* bit easier on yourself, you happen to have some great interests and talents, and they happen to be NOT those to become the womanizer some very small part of us are, but don't automatically think they're so much happier than you are, enjoy the, what you so see as, small things.

I actually lost all confidence after my first (and only) short-term "relationship", and looking back now, If it wasn't for those few weeks, I'd still be a virgin now, and perhaps happier and more confident than what I am now.

What Kiwong says is so correct, sometimes we cannot fit in all aspects of what we believe perfection in every situation, and sometimes "giving up" on something can relieve us that much, with a much better chance of finding small gains any day, the moment we wouldn't even think about it anymore.

I guess "success" is a weird word, I know, try to stop all those negative brainclutters and if you're open for them, there will come positives in its place.

 

[driping jon]

hi sickof being lonley .hw are you getting on

 

[SPV]

I'm feeling pretty lonely myself, being this way for so long has brought me to a realm of complete unbearable depression. I'm starting to think that for some reason God or whatever brought me to this world so that I can only experience loneliness and nothing else, I feel as though this is my lot in life.
I can only see my life getting bleaker and bleaker.

 

[Feathers]

SPV, can you remember any good times in the past? I'm sure they will come again!! It can be a small thing, like a happy moment, a beautiful discovery of a flower or something beautiful along the way...

Sbl (OP ),
I am not always positive and uplifting either, I know me so well that I know good times will come again..
I may be a bit bipolar-ish too (never diagnosed, just from self-observation, I prefer not to get into the 'system'..)

It would be very cool if 'social courses' or something like that existed.. For people who don't have brothers/sisters or close relatives/friends of opposite sex, to get to know each other and learn to talk to one another etc.

I read a very funny book, 'Dead End Dating' the other day (it's about vampires otherwise ), where something like that is introduced: 'practise dates' to just practise, even with someone who is not at all 'appropriate' for you..

There are books and even courses/workshops on how to approach women too.. I'm not sure how ethical it all is, but some of those things actually work.. (because looking back I've seen it work, not sure if those guys did it as a 'technique' or it just came naturally to them-?)
So I'm usually a bit hesitant to recommend them, but they really can change how you look on dating and approaching people.. Read 'The Game' by Neil Strauss if you're interested... Of course take it with a grain of salt, and please keep on being honest even if doing any of it (don't misuse it).
These are just for approaching women and getting them interested and getting to know them, there are other and better books about communication and relationships that can come handy for when you meet someone you might perhaps want to have more with..

Music and comedy are good interests, you can still do all of that even if it's just as sort of 'hobbies'.. You can even do a lot of it online..
And it can be very helpful in dating too..

You remind me of a friend a bit who is very skinny and 'nothing to look at' but recently got married this year.. He is very funny (into comedy and music too!) and very brave in who he approaches - and his wife is quirky but beautiful too!!

If you want to change a username talk to one of the moderators, Serafina is very nice, or Remus too.. (maybe PM me the different names you thought up so I can comment, if you wish)

 

[Gerdje]

I'm also someone who rather chooses usernames like the first thing that comes into mind, when I bought me a gaming console if was in a "Whatever happens around me, I am always the first suspect or the one they blame first", so I chose BulletHead, now I regret that, every time I go online when playing Grand Theft Auto 4, everyone is after me for blowing my head off.::
( )

 

[buddy825]

It is very hard to disguise how you feel in public no matter how hard you try, people have a keen sense and just a little thing or two spills out without even knowing it. I would stop focusing on the external and work on the internal. You are capable of turning things around and you must identify what makes you unhappy and how to overcome the obstacles from achieving it. Have to start small and keep steady progress. Dating sites are not where to start, probably the last. That is rejection city, be honest man. In a click of a mouse someone looks over 100's of faces. That isn't real, most of the people are not real. You must get active, take night classes anything to get out and about. Volunteer with political party, elections coming up, talk about meeting tons of folks with common interests. Take it slow, I found in the past I would end a relationship and immediatly look for a replacement and get shot down, after a few experiences and breakups I took it slower and almost knew when it rains it pours and it became much easier than

 

[worrywort]

...

I really respect your honesty. I can actually relate an awful lot. This desire for love feels so basic sometimes. I often have thoughts similar to yours, of yearning to be attractive to someone, to be liked by someone. I feel like you can become starved of it sometimes. And yet the more desperate I become, ironically, the more unnattractive I fear it makes me appear too. It's a tough situation, and I wasn't sure at first what advice I could give you because I feel I'm in a similar boat to you, but I just read some of the other replies and they're all really great. I think Alanj's advice is really good about finding validation from yourself first, rather than from others. I definitely think at the end of the day it's down to you if you want to change things. All of Feathers tips are really good too, and I find Kiwong's attitude really hopeful. I hope I'm like that when I'm 47.

The only other tip I'd add would be to encourage you to try to take control of your thought-life. I found that made a huge difference in my own life when I was at my lowest. I'd constantly be thinking to myself about all my problems, and how terrible my life is, and how unfair it was that others were enjoying life, while I wasn't receiving my fair dues. I wanted love and good things to happen to me so that I could feel better, until I realised that feeling better begins with me and my attitude, and once I can start feeling better about myself and my own situation, THEN maybe the love and the good things might start flowing. So I changed my thoughts. I practiced gratitude. I said "I am enough, and I have enough", and I started enjoying what I have. I caught my thoughts and tried to see the bright side of life. It was a choice I made. I still have to watch my thoughts today, but I haven't been anywhere near as low as I was 8 years ago.

p.s. Just noticed this is dated from 2010! Well, I hope you're doing well now OP. Give us an update if you receive this!

 

[Metal_isthe_Answer]

Quite seriously, would you consider getting the help of a sex worker for overcoming this feeling of it being a stigma?

I'm 30 and a virgin, I actually have considered just flat out hiring a prostitute. I won't do it, but I've thought of it pretty seriously

 

[theslowesthand]

It's interesting that i have almost the exact same "set" of problems (amongst others). They seem to be interrelated.

- still single
- had opportunities in real life, & still do occasionally, but it never ever has resulted in even a date; i seem to "repel" such things
- huge collection of music, videos, magazines etc (obsessive collector/hoarder)
- terrible procrastinator ... often consider things but don't attempt them
- don't get any real encouragement from anyone so tend to stagnate
- had ambitions when I was young but, due to circumstances and lack of confidence, could never fulfill them
- generally obsessive (incl women/sex when younger; occasionally obsessed with a specific woman)
- find it impossible to rid myself of the negative thoughts I have as nothing ever works out for me
- have other problems in addition to SA ... OCD (from early age; diagnosed later) ... get depressed ... very sensitive and emotional ... mild BDD. I certainly have problems about my appearance which causes me to feel very self conscious in public. I avoid mirrors and have rarely have photo taken ... ADD as I have a lot of difficulty concentrating which is another reason why I can't study full time
- very indecisive
- introverted (& have shut self away for many years)
- very honest and would prefer someone to know I have problems than present myself as someone who is "normal" and have them later discover my limitations