Dating sites and social anxiety=bad?

[surewhynot]

I cannot handle social networking. I don't do things in groups. I can barely even handle being a friend to one person. We all have limitations. But we also all have desires. I'm not a person who does cooking club, and then goes to the bar, then to the beach, and tries to talk to everyone. You expect me to be that way?

If you are not able to be a friend to someone, how will you be able to be more than a friend to someone? You seem to think that everyone out there in real life goes to clubs and parties on the beach and stuff. That might be what is trendy nowadays, but I can assure you that you are grossly mistaken. No matter what your interests are, there are many who share the same. The world is filled with introverts, they might make less noise, but they are out there.

There are as many sites to meet new people as friends as there are dating sites. Basically, what I'm saying is that you seem to be skipping steps. If you don't know how to be friendly with someone, how can you learn to be intimate? One step at a time. Maybe you aren't successful on that dating site because you haven't learned the fundamentals first?

 

[Odo]

Something that strikes me about you right away is that you're extremely impatient about things. Even on this site, you seem to expect people to rush right in and deal with your problems within moments of you posting them, and what's worse is you get upset and start lashing out when this doesn't happen-- saying things like 'sorry, this forum just isn't active enough' or 'wow, is that it? I take the time to express my innermost feelings in an enormous wall of text and I only get one reply?'.

I'm guessing you spend a lot of time online and you're too adjusted to the instant gratification that comes with technology and/or porn. Yes, those things exist for your gratification (that's what sells, fyi), but people don't.

You're going to need to learn how to be patient and listen to people and not have all of these expectations and demands that no one in their right mind is ever going to consider reasonable, attractive, or even something that they want to deal with. People love lovable people, and they want to have sex with people who are sexy... if you want either of those things, you're going to need to change yourself. Nobody likes people who just sit back and feel entitled to everything they want just because they're there and said hello.

 

[Bronson99]

Something that strikes me about you right away is that you're extremely impatient about things. Even on this site, you seem to expect people to rush right in and deal with your problems within moments of you posting them, and what's worse is you get upset and start lashing out when this doesn't happen-- saying things like 'sorry, this forum just isn't active enough' or 'wow, is that it? I take the time to express my innermost feelings in an enormous wall of text and I only get one reply?'.

I'm guessing you spend a lot of time online and you're too adjusted to the instant gratification that comes with technology and/or porn. Yes, those things exist for your gratification (that's what sells, fyi), but people don't.

You're going to need to learn how to be patient and listen to people and not have all of these expectations and demands that no one in their right mind is ever going to consider reasonable, attractive, or even something that they want to deal with. People love lovable people, and they want to have sex with people who are sexy... if you want either of those things, you're going to need to change yourself. Nobody likes people who just sit back and feel entitled to everything they want just because they're there and said hello.

You definitely have a point, I am extremely impatient. True. But if you're not a Scientologist and you're not anti-psychiatry, I would tell you much of it is rooted in my ADD, which I am diagnosed with. Being adjusted to the instantaneous cyber world is a part of it too, but I'm not the only one with that issue, as you can see everyone now is afflicted because of Apple innovations.

I am strongly considering talking to the psychiatrist about a low-potency medication for ADD, because it has taken over my life, I'm just a bunch of impulses without any executive ability to get anything done, I can't focus at all, I can't hold a conversation, I can't even read 4 pages in a novel without getting tired and putting it down. At this point I would even argue that ADD is a bigger problem for me than social anxiety, but that's just my take on it.

About expectations and demands, I would say in regards to that dating site, I'm not too unreasonable. I am making small talk, I'm sending messages that show I read the girl's profile, and then it just fizzles out. If this is the pattern for being there 8-10 days, I don't see why it won't be the pattern for 30 days, or more. That's why I suspect part of the problem is in my profile, I've asked if anyone here (but not the guys, sorry) wants to see it and offer insight, I'd appreciate it.

 

[Bronson99]

There are as many sites to meet new people as friends as there are dating sites. Basically, what I'm saying is that you seem to be skipping steps. If you don't know how to be friendly with someone, how can you learn to be intimate? One step at a time. Maybe you aren't successful on that dating site because you haven't learned the fundamentals first?

I am able to be friends with someone, if you mean having same-sex friends, I have done that. I still have a lifelong friend who never abandoned me despite my ongoing pathetic situation. But where the problem occurs is with events and group socializing. He invites me to his birthday party and I know loads of people my age will be there, it's an overload of arrogance and extroversion; and why should I go and sit there like some idiot with nothing to say? Of course I won't go to that. I've gone to social events before and always end up feeling terrible and alone. I accept it. It is a limitation.

This same friend goes to the bar a lot with friends who I consider total arrogant j-e-r-k-s. He says I can come if I want, but I never do, wisely. These guys he's with are gym-rat womanizers who cheat on their girlfriends with other married women, true story. So I don't do group socializing. But that doesn't mean I can't be an "individual friend" right?

 

[AGR]

look the biggest problem is that men probably outnumber girls there,even if they dont you can bet that they get a lot of messages by guys who send a lot,they get a lot of messages and cant be bother to respond to them all,also very few girls like guys who are quiet,not outgoing in real life too,so it WILL take a lot of work,I put this straight up in my profile so they know when they see it,its not that I cant be outgoing or hold a conversation I just need the chance.

Also I can relate to your friend problem,I dont like guys who go out looking for fights or do stuff that leads to one,I dont mean be weak and let everyone walk over you,but dont go looking for fights either,for girls the same,plus I cant stand when they treat guys like that as king who can do whatever they want and will get their support which leaves me really,really lonely....

 

[1139]

I'm sending messages that show I read the girl's profile, and then it just fizzles out. If this is the pattern for being there 8-10 days, I don't see why it won't be the pattern for 30 days, or more. That's why I suspect part of the problem is in my profile, I've asked if anyone here (but not the guys, sorry) wants to see it and offer insight, I'd appreciate it.

It will take much longer than 30 days to find a match. Ive been on the sites for almost a year, met 8 women and still no mutual interest in eachother or gf. I must of got at least 50 phone numbers of girls this year and only 8 of those were actually willing to meet up. So when I say you have to be persistant I really mean it and for each dud date you have you have to just pick yourself up and try n be a better version of yourself for the next date. Ultimately it might take years to find someone on there who will be willingly to date you. Just be persistant.

 

[Bronson99]

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[Bronson99]

look the biggest problem is that men probably outnumber girls there,even if they dont you can bet that they get a lot of messages by guys who send a lot,they get a lot of messages and cant be bother to respond to them all,also very few girls like guys who are quiet,not outgoing in real life too,so it WILL take a lot of work,I put this straight up in my profile so they know when they see it,its not that I cant be outgoing or hold a conversation I just need the chance.

So I put your depressing quote in bold. If I'm going to take a sip from the "optimism" drink, I'm going to say you should quit saying that crap, because women like different things. Right? Where's the optimists when you need them? I'm sure they can help here.

Sometimes I want to fight the pessimism.

 

[Flanscho]

look the biggest problem is that men probably outnumber girls there,even if they dont you can bet that they get a lot of messages by guys who send a lot

I don't see that as a problem. Most of those messages go to women I'm not interested in anyway, and most of the messages going to women I'm interested in are crappy. So if mine are not crappy, there is no problem. In the end, the number of women on this planet is still higher than the number of men.

This is depressing. Especially considering I don't really want a girlfriend, I just want something short term at the very most, preferably casual.

I don't think that any woman is actually looking for something short term. Well, a one night stand? Maybe. But not actually a relationship or friends "short term", simply because it makes no sense. Why would they want to invest emotionally and in matters of time into something that you don't want to last anyway?

It will take much longer than 30 days to find a match.

mg: It depends. It depends on how you present yourself, how you approach people, how you are willing to interact with them. And luck is also involved. Sometimes it takes a day, sometimes it takes a year. Who gives a shit? If you find the partner for life after one year, what is so bad about it?

It's as if you guys have finding a partner as the sole purpose of your existence. Why are you not more relaxed? Use the dating site, go on with your life, see how things develop, with time. Be calm, be positive, be relaxed. Don't go to a dating site, foaming with rage and screaming in anger because you don't get 50 replies within one second, and spending 23 hours of the day with flooding people with messages.

 

[Kiwong]

This is depressing. Especially considering I don't really want a girlfriend, I just want something short term at the very most, preferably casual. If I'm allowed to be honest here, I just want to break the curse. You can define that however you want to define it. I'm only in this for the short term.

If you can't do anything short term on dating sites, if the women just want you to be serious, then you need to tell me, cuz then it's like I'm wasting my time.

Maybe you need to look into Swingers clubs? I watched a show on them on Louis Theroux's weird weekends, hilarious in a very frightening way. I can't imagine you are going to have much luck on dating sites, even one like OK cupid. I also don't imagine many women are going to be attracted if you tell them your only in it for the short term.

 

[Kiwong]

It's as if you guys have finding a partner as the sole purpose of your existence. Why are you not more relaxed? Use the dating site, go on with your life, see how things develop, with time. Be calm, be positive, be relaxed. Don't go to a dating site, foaming with rage and screaming in anger because you don't get 50 replies within one second, and spending 23 hours of the day with flooding people with messages.

[/QUOTE]

Good advice Flanscho

 

[Raichel]

Maybe you need to look into Swingers clubs? I watched a show on them on Louis Theroux's weird weekends, hilarious in a very frightening way. I can't imagine you are going to have much luck on dating sites, even one like OK cupid. I also don't imagine many women are going to be attracted if you tell them your only in it for the short term.

Yeah, if it's a one-time-thing-only you're looking for you're probably better off searching in places where women are only in it for the sex. There's many websites for that as well, if you prefer to arrange a meeting online.

 

[Bronson99]

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[Bronson99]

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[Bronson99]

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[Flanscho]

It's not that I do not want it last. It's just that I have limitations, which seems to be a concept none of you understand. I do not have the ability to support someone and meet their friends, family, and their exes and then put it all together. That's when I enter the mental hospital, I think.

How do you know she wants you to get into contact with their exes and their family? And ain't a relationship about supporting each other instead of just receiving support? You make many assumptions, assuming always the worst, and based on those assumptions you limit yourself and your possibilities.
It's as if someone offers you a pot of gold or a nickel, and you choose the nickel, saying "the pot of gold is cursed and poisoned for sure!".

You are denying reality as it is, which is that there are women out there who don't want to have contact with their exes or are fine with you not having any, and who rarely see their family for various reasons, and don't mind you not seeing them. You do that so that it fits to your negative attitude.

No I will not look into swingers clubs. I don't want "heavily used goods" so to speak. That's not my thing.

With every passing minute that yo uget older, the chance for you finding a virgin gets lower.

I personally have no interest in virgins. I rather prefer partners who know what they want, what they enjoy to receive and what they can give.

 

[Kiwong]

So that's why about half the women I message say in their profile "I'm looking for new friends and short term dating" and some of them explicitly say they want someone to have fun with and FWBs?

About half the time, there is no mention of longterm dating or a significant other.

My observation is that a large % of the profiles on that site tick all relationship options.

 

[Kiwong]

No I will not look into swingers clubs. I don't want "heavily used goods" so to speak. That's not my thing. But being friends and keeping it casual is.

I don't see why this is such a strange concept to so many of you here, you're acting like it is not even possible?? I mean, my friend just lost his virginity at age 32 and it's just a casual relationship, it's been going on for 2 months now. My friend is not an attractive guy, he doesn't make money, and to see him with his shirt off is a horror show. So why not me? You guys just want to shoot me down at every chance, at this point. You accuse me of being negative and then inflict the same toward me.

I don't know you, but from your posts, I would agree that you are unlikely to find what you are looking for, on a dating site, or perhaps even in real life.

 

[Odo]

No I will not look into swingers clubs. I don't want "heavily used goods" so to speak. That's not my thing. But being friends and keeping it casual is.

I don't see why this is such a strange concept to so many of you here, you're acting like it is not even possible?? I mean, my friend just lost his virginity at age 32 and it's just a casual relationship, it's been going on for 2 months now. My friend is not an attractive guy, he doesn't make money, and to see him with his shirt off is a horror show. So why not me? You guys just want to shoot me down at every chance, at this point. You accuse me of being negative and then inflict the same toward me.

Reading your posts actually makes me really angry... I know I should stop, but it's like a car accident or something and I can't look away. I hope you don't find anyone, but if you do I feel sorry for them.

 

[Hellhound]

I don't see why you even want to have dozens and dozens of replies. A single one that fits is all it takes.

That always has rubbed me the wrong way. It feels as if the guy wants to get loads of messages to feel accomplished. The more women message them, the better they feel with themselves, or something like that.

Long ago, I had a member of this forum trying to impress me by saying he slept with loads of women and telling me how funny, good looking, athletic, etc. he was. I called BS. Besides, that was a big scare, really creepy.

I saw an article once and it said if you have very low confidence and are feeling desperate stay away from internet dating sites

Stay away from human beings in general until you fix yourself.

just like if you go to a singles' bar and sit by yourself in a dark corner and expect women to flock to you, i'm sure you would be disappointed

Exactly. You are not a special snowflake, so don't expect all women to be at your feet, that is nothing more but a big delusional fantasy. You want to find a good partner? then you have to work your @$$ off to accomplish it. It works like that online and offline.

I actually got a couple replies. Both were from good looking girls

This is another major issue. You expect women not only to be at your feet, but also to be good looking and to put up with your load of mental issues. I am sorry to burst your bubble, but that doesn't exist. Your partner is not your sex toy, eye candy and psychologist.

I just tried that, and it failed. That woman who rated me highly? She is a heavy woman, not attractive to me.

Again, what are you expecting? A supermodel?

What I'm looking for is something extremely short term, basically a trial. It would be fine if I met the woman for one night and never saw her again.

Well, this explain why you are so obsessed over their looks. You don't want a partner, you want an one night stand. Perhaps you should add that on your profile to spare some poor girl the pain. I mean, just imagine a girl comes across you and actually likes you, and then she finds out that you only wanted her for sex? ****ish move right there.

Or you can approach them in real life and pretend you're a j-e-r-k with muscles who likes to go bar hopping.

Lol, warped views of the real world.

You want my advice? Stop looking for a girlfriend. I don't believe in actively looking for someone to date. You should not look for a girl to date, you should look for opportunities to meet a girl to date. Basically, try to meet people as friends. Make yourself new friends, both males and females. This should prove itself to be way easier. You will start meeting new people, going out more, doing more activities, and before you know it, you'll meet an awesome girl with whom you'll fall in love, and vice versa. Let life guide you, don't try to force it.

Sadly, this does not work for some guys here. They don't look for a partner to fall in love with. They only want to score. Women mean nothing for them.

also very few girls like guys who are quiet,not outgoing in real life too,so it WILL take a lot of work

This is completely false. A LOT of people are not super outgoing and they are happily married. The problem is that a lot of you guys have terribly twisted idea of how the real world works.

Go outside a bit more.

I don't think that any woman is actually looking for something short term. Well, a one night stand? Maybe. But not actually a relationship or friends "short term", simply because it makes no sense. Why would they want to invest emotionally and in matters of time into something that you don't want to last anyway?

The OP is not thinking about the other gender's feelings. He thinks he can just take them, score and throw them away. He's not even caring about how they might think and feel.

Maybe you need to look into Swingers clubs?

I find this to be a better alternative for the OP. You want sex? Go to places where you are more likely to find that stuff.

my friend just lost his virginity at age 32 and it's just a casual relationship, it's been going on for 2 months now. My friend is not an attractive guy, he doesn't make money, and to see him with his shirt off is a horror show

Your friend is most likely a great guy who doesn't talk about others the way you do. You're a bad person. No matter how look you good, if your soul is rotten, nobody will ever like you.