Dating sites and social anxiety=bad?

[coyote]

first, you have to ask yourself the right questions

1. what would be a woman's motivation for wanting to be with you?

2. how can you communicate that in a way for women to understand and respond?

3. what is the best place to communicate that in order to best find the type of women who would be motivated to respond?

you can't just decide what it is that YOU want and expect it to happen all by itself

that's like being disappointed that Santa didn't bring you the toy you secretly wanted for Christmas

 

[coyote]

or think of it like opening a business

just because you like cupcakes and want to sell cupcakes doesn't mean that the customers will flock to your store and buy cupcakes just because you open the door and say "I have cupcakes."

it's not enough to sell what YOU want to sell, where YOU want to sell it

first find out - where are my customers?

open your store there

then find out - what do THEY want?

sell them that

 

[Bronson99]

I want a shot at a "semi-redemption." If you believe I'm terrible completely, rotten to the core, should be banned, whatever, then please don't waste your time pummeling me more.

Has anyone considered that many of the things you see here that seems hateful is at times a result of complete frustration? Nobody can see that at all? In a site like this, where I will admit sometimes using it as a punching-bag for perceived failure and generalized anger, I would think people can get aggravated quite easily. If you talked to me in real life, you'd never suspect I'd say anything like I said here. Because I wouldn't. If I have a loyal friend that's stayed with me for 32 years--and he's a good judge of overall character--I think that at least tells you, I'm not the monster you all think I am.

I am not a hateful misogynist, however many times you quote statements from me that seems like it, it is not true. However, if I hear hundreds of stories about guys who go to the gym all the time, act friendly and talkative because girls like it, and then just take them to bed, well.. it does make one envious. It's not just the media that exaggerates this "myth" as you call it, it's sometimes also reality. I have my close friend and then I have acquaintances that see this behavior all the time. That's a part of this. Am I saying the behavior of these guys should be emulated, they're a good example of humanity? No, I'm not saying that. But I am saying I'm frustrated. Who wouldn't be? Who enjoys being a 32 year old virgin? Really, come on now.

And for the last time, no I do not expect to see anyone at my feet. So I mentioned that "good looking girls" replied to a message, because they posted photos of themselves and I thought they looked good. Do I realistically expect these women to be interested in me? No. But it can sometimes be annoying when you take your time to write a good message and then that's it. From now on I will expect that to be the norm.

So I'm an absolutely horrible person? Really? I just want to use women and throw them away? No. But if you guys haven't noticed yet, I see things in black and white. I'm trying to get out of it, but it's a huge struggle for me. I am trying to wage war on my safe and secure inner world, trying to figure out how I can attempt to live more in the outer world without getting hammered by it. This has always been my struggle.

So I said bad things about my friend behind his back? He does the same about me. And he says bad things about others all the time. I think gossip is unfortunate, but it's a part of being human. Back on point, I was merely using my friend's "newfound relationship" as an example. I'm not allowed to say he doesn't tick the boxes for what most women want? But to me, it looks like it, because he's nothing exceptional. He is a great person, very nice, and he deserves what he got. Merely I meant to say if an ordinary guy like him can meet someone, there's no reason I shouldn't be able to. Yes I need to get myself together, but my friend's story proves that ordinary guys can meet women. That's all. If you read my very first few posts, that's what brought me to talk about my dilemma on the forum. I'm envious of his relationship, hardly a crime if you're human.

That comment about "heavily used goods" yes it is in poor taste, I am sorry if it offended people here. It's not the lifestyle I'm looking for, as many times as you all insist that's what I want, it's not. I believe you should like the person you're with, and vice versa. I also believe intimacy should be private, and that paying for it will not help anything. That is my take on escorts--I have nothing against these women, but I don't think that's for me.

If I can try to explain my stance on things a bit better, it's just that I believe that in most traditional relationships--and it seems most of you believe in traditional relationships--there are difficulties that I believe might essentially destroy me as a person and lead to worse anxiety. How many times have I heard about a normal healthy person who became seriously depressed or suicidal after a longterm relationship ended?

I'm not a "normal" person, I struggle with low confidence and self-loathing every day. Therefore I don't believe a longterm relationship is something I can handle. I wondered if there was a way "around these roadblocks," basically. Can a relationship happen on a more casual basis? That's what I was looking for. From all of your answers, it appears to be a general no, but from what I see and hear in real life, it does seem to happen often.

 

[Hellhound]

If you talked to me in real life, you'd never suspect I'd say anything like I said here. Because I wouldn't.

It doesn't matter if you say it or not. You think that way, that's all it matters. You just coice it openly here because none of us can see your face. The power of the internet. Internet unmasks everyone.

If I have a loyal friend that's stayed with me for 32 years--and he's a good judge of overall character--I think that at least tells you, I'm not the monster you all think I am.

That's because he doesn't know what you think of him :bigsmile:

Can a relationship happen on a more casual basis? That's what I was looking for. From all of your answers, it appears to be a general no, but from what I see and hear in real life, it does seem to happen often.

That is not a relationship, you're looking for an one night stand mg:

 

[Odo]

Has anyone considered that many of the things you see here that seems hateful is at times a result of complete frustration? Nobody can see that at all? In a site like this, where I will admit sometimes using it as a punching-bag for perceived failure and generalized anger, I would think people can get aggravated quite easily. If you talked to me in real life, you'd never suspect I'd say anything like I said here. Because I wouldn't. If I have a loyal friend that's stayed with me for 32 years--and he's a good judge of overall character--I think that at least tells you, I'm not the monster you all think I am.

It doesn't really matter why you are the way you are.

Everyone has an excuse for why they do what they do. Murderers, rapists and pedophiles all have reasons why they are the way they are. If you keep focusing on the 'why' and telling yourself that you're like that because of this and this and this, then maybe some people will identify with you (and probably give you some misguided pity)-- but you're also providing yourself with an excuse not to get better. And I don`t mean 100 percent better all at once, I mean just to the point where you`re capable of showing ordinary people a modicum of respect. Even the most hopeless cases in the world are capable of at least changing their attitudes... I`ll be the first to admit that socially, I`m a complete wreck-- but I still have enough critical judgment to know when I`m being a douchebag.

I really don`t think it`s realistic to expect a lot of people to get behind your quest to have meaningless casual sex with a physically attractive virgin while offering absolutely nothing else in return... and providing yourself with excuses like this and trying to elicit pity from everyone isn`t helping your case. If you`re going to act like a douchebag, then at least have the decency to roll with it.