Dating sites and social anxiety=bad?

[Bronson99]

Okay, so there are some proponents of dating sites on here. Apparently there are people here who have social anxiety, and yet still had some success with dating sites, and so on. So I got to thinking, I need to try it. The other thing: whenever I talk to someone about my problem of lacking confidence and being too shy to talk to girls in real life, it is always without fail "try a dating service." Between the optimism here--you know who you are from that other thread--and all the suggestions, I'm thinking, I need to try it.

Well so I've been there on OKStupid for about a week, give or take, and sent about 40 messages. I've gotten a total of 6 responses, at least 3 of which were specific answers to questions I had, like "how do you suggest I fix my profile", "are you just here for platonic friends" and so on. The other three responses are in a gray area.

All signs thus far, and remember I am a glass half-empty guy (so "positive people don't take offense" yada yada), point to it being a soul-draining, self-esteem damaging exercise, one that should be avoided unless you want to get sick. I don't like the vile combination of vanity and egocentricity that dating services represent so well.

This time, forget about the problem of looks, job, income, and the fact that I listed "rather not say" for the last two. These are things that matter in varying degrees. But forget it this time, because I'm tired of the flame war it causes, and getting the thread deleted. That's what happened last time.

Right now, the issue is, should I be there at all? I've done Google search on "why am I getting few/no replies on a dating site?" and the answers were depressing. From alleged women on other sites, a couple of them listed "extreme shyness, mental disorders, or some other handicap" was a deterrent. Men talked about how 1-3% response rate for messages was common for the average or below average male. Then there was talk of "your message needs to be funny and witty" to be replied to, you can't send anything generic, even if its nice. This is all a lot of frustrating work, with little to no reward, and I'm not sure it's worth the pain of even spending another week on there and getting hurt even more.

Back to the main point, if women think socially anxious/extremely shy are "handicaps," should our type even be there?

 

[1139]

ive been on dating sites for 10 years now. In my experience the women on there have just as many issues as the men do. srs. They've either got depression, are anti-social, have kids and don't get out enough, or just the normal validation seekers. If they had normal socially enriched lives why would they be looking on dating sites, really...

 

[Flanscho]

I don't see why you even want to have dozens and dozens of replies. A single one that fits is all it takes. And that men get fewer replies on those websites is natural.

Most men send super short messages, like "hi you are cute". Or offensive messages. Or stuff like "you look great, want to see my genitals". And so on. And of course they get no replies. In addition, you never know what the situatino of the person who reads the message is like. Like, maybe she got fired today, or just had a shitty day, and then on that day, for that reason, she doesn't feel like replying. Then you did nothing wrong and still get no reply. You don't know what's going on on the other side.

I think that dating sites serve people in many way. Some people find others to get drunk or have sex with. And shy people find a way to present themselves in a positive way with words they could never utter spontanously in a small talk conversation.

Of course they are not the solution to all problems, and they don't fit to certain people.

And of course, I don't know what your profile looks like. I don't know what you wrote in those messages. And I don't know what kind of people you wrote. Or how many questions you had in common with those people, to get an accurate match thingy. So I can't give specific advice.

It seems to me though, that in the end it's a matter of attitude. In my opinion, the right reaction would have been "Oh, great. Six people messaged me. Six people within one week, and who I'd normally most likely never get to know. Maybe one of them becomes a partner of mine? Or maybe a best friend over time?"
But instead you get angry, and dig up statistics why dating sites suck. It's as if you are so full of anger all the time for no reason that you want things to fail just to be more angry. And if they don't fail you are angry anyway.

 

[Odo]

If it's annoying you so much, stop going on it and figure something else out. If you had actually talked to 40 people in real life you probably would have been given more of a shot than just messaging them over some board where most people are extremely wary of creeps.

 

[alwayssunnyinphiladelphia]

I saw an article once and it said if you have very low confidence and are feeling desperate stay away from internet dating sites

 

[coyote]

i've never really tried using an internet dating website

but i imagine they work very much the same as the real world - you really have to put yourself out there if you hope to get any results

just like if you go to a singles' bar and sit by yourself in a dark corner and expect women to flock to you, i'm sure you would be disappointed

for many people with social anxiety, interacting online is much easier - so for them, yes, internet dating sites are a good choice

maybe it's not your social anxiety that is the problem, maybe it's your self-described negative attitude

 

[Sial Axetder]

It's a good idea to take a break here an there.
From trying to setup dates online to setting up dates offline.
We can only take so much then we need to step back, heal up, relax and take it easy for a bit.

 

[Bronson99]

It seems to me though, that in the end it's a matter of attitude. In my opinion, the right reaction would have been "Oh, great. Six people messaged me. Six people within one week, and who I'd normally most likely never get to know. Maybe one of them becomes a partner of mine? Or maybe a best friend over time?"
But instead you get angry, and dig up statistics why dating sites suck. It's as if you are so full of anger all the time for no reason that you want things to fail just to be more angry. And if they don't fail you are angry anyway.

I'm just very up and down with it. I'm compelled to check the site once a day, just like my email. If I have no visitors or messages, I tend to get annoyed.

Now I feel a little better, today I actually got a couple replies. Both were from good looking girls, IMO, although I suspect it may be just small talk. Also today, I got an email saying someone "rated me highly." I don't know what I do with that--the woman did not send a message. Is it a "hint" that I should message them?

About being angry anyway, I think it's because I just don't like myself, and don't believe I deserve anything. And I really don't, in a way, because of the way I've led my life. It's very undesirable. If someone does seem to indicate interest, I'll just have to hope they can stomach some of the truth, and hope they can understand I'm just looking for a "trial" or something short term at the most.

 

[Bronson99]

I saw an article once and it said if you have very low confidence and are feeling desperate stay away from internet dating sites

Well, I'm afraid that right now, it's a case of either I try the online route, or I try nothing. My confidence with approaching in real life is just not there, but I have much experience in talking to girls online.

In the meantime, I'm just getting older, and you have to face the facts of aging. I'm 32, and I'm not going to say to myself "just so long as you meet someone before 40, that's fine." I've been putting this off too long as it is. What if I get sick, what if I get hit by a car tomorrow and can't walk. I have to try something before I lose the chance.

Will meeting a girl fix my problems? Far from it. But it would be nice, perhaps. And it would be something of a relief. And to be honest wanting these things is natural, and try as I might, I can't just get rid of all desire.

 

[1139]

Well, I'm afraid that right now, it's a case of either I try the online route, or I try nothing. My confidence with approaching in real life is just not there, but I have much experience in talking to girls online.

In the meantime, I'm just getting older, and you have to face the facts of aging. I'm 32, and I'm not going to say to myself "just so long as you meet someone before 40, that's fine." I've been putting this off too long as it is. What if I get sick, what if I get hit by a car tomorrow and can't walk. I have to try something before I lose the chance.

Will meeting a girl fix my problems? Far from it. But it would be nice, perhaps. And it would be something of a relief. And to be honest wanting these things is natural, and try as I might, I can't just get rid of all desire.

Being 32 and still single i seriously think you should drop your standards and choose any woman. If i am 32 and single i will be doing this. How long have you been single for? Have you had gf's before?

 

[Raichel]

Then there was talk of "your message needs to be funny and witty" to be replied to, you can't send anything generic, even if its nice. This is all a lot of frustrating work, with little to no reward, and I'm not sure it's worth the pain of even spending another week on there and getting hurt even more.

Few things first: As a female who has also tried dabbling in online dating I can tell you that Yes, women do get approached (much) more often than men. But one should not forget that about 50% (or more depending on how provocative the profile pic) of those messages are from desperate spambots who initiate 'contact' with anything that looks remotely human and has two legs and a va-gi-na.

If you want to increase your chances of getting a reply you should avoid sending messages containing less than two sentences. 'Hi how are u'; 'nice pic, u look great'; 'So what you lookin for on here?' are typical lines used by the aforementioned spambots and therefore hard to take serious by the recipient. There is no need to write an entire essay either, in fact, you want your first msg to be easy on the eyes and easy to reply to. Try referring to something she mentioned in her profile (her hobbies, taste in music, favourite food, anything really) or ask her to explain her answer on a specific question in further detail. Remember you don't have to be Mr. Witty to get someone's attention. Most oneliners and icebreakers she's probably heard before anyways. The key is to keep it personal: you want her to know you took the time to read her profile and put in the effort to send a msg that was meant for her only.

It's okay to not have a full face picture displayed publicly. It's okay you don't want to get into too much detail about your financial situation and/or current/past occupations. This is the internet, anyone could stumble across your profile - including family, friends, acquaintances, you name it. I for one, wouldn't want certain folks I happen to know IRL to gloat over my dating profile, tyvm. When I was on OkCupid I just put up a holiday picture of myself that showed me looking out over a valley with my back turned to the camera. I wrote a note stating that if someone wanted to see more of me, they only had to ask, and after exchanging messages for some time, I'd send them the 'full version of me' so to speak.

May I ask what it is exactly you are looking for? Just saying, if your focus is set on (longterm) relationships, it's not unusual for it to take a whole lot longer than one week to find someone you click with. Online dating isn't that much different from the conventional way in that aspect. You're bound to get rejected and disappointed along the way. Don't let that discourage you. Give it some more time before you throw in the towel.

 

[socialorphan]

I am 100% certain I could not handle online dating.

 

[Ithior]

As far as I know the only people who go for online dating in my country are like 40 years old or older.

 

[Flanscho]

As far as I know the only people who go for online dating in my country are like 40 years old or older.

Well, I'm glad that I don't live in your country then.

 

[Bronson99]

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[Bronson99]

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[Bronson99]

I am 100% certain I could not handle online dating.

Then your other choice is to sit there, do nothing, and just pray you can meet someone by the time you're 60 years old and can't remember where you left your cane.

Or you can approach them in real life and pretend you're a j-e-r-k with muscles who likes to go bar hopping.

This is what I'm facing. I don't like either option. So that's why I'm trying OKStupid, which is turning out to be another shallow cesspool, much like the human race itself.

 

[surewhynot]

You want my advice? Stop looking for a girlfriend. I don't believe in actively looking for someone to date. You should not look for a girl to date, you should look for opportunities to meet a girl to date. Basically, try to meet people as friends. Make yourself new friends, both males and females. This should prove itself to be way easier. You will start meeting new people, going out more, doing more activities, and before you know it, you'll meet an awesome girl with whom you'll fall in love, and vice versa. Let life guide you, don't try to force it.

 

[Bronson99]

You want my advice? Stop looking for a girlfriend. I don't believe in actively looking for someone to date. You should not look for a girl to date, you should look for opportunities to meet a girl to date. Basically, try to meet people as friends. Make yourself new friends, both males and females. This should prove itself to be way easier. You will start meeting new people, going out more, doing more activities, and before you know it, you'll meet an awesome girl with whom you'll fall in love, and vice versa. Let life guide you, don't try to force it.

I cannot handle social networking. I don't do things in groups. I can barely even handle being a friend to one person. We all have limitations. But we also all have desires. I'm not a person who does cooking club, and then goes to the bar, then to the beach, and tries to talk to everyone. You expect me to be that way?

 

[1139]

If you are skinny why dont you at least work out more or eat more? That is something you can quite easily change and will obviously increase your chances in some way on there. In terms of what "imsurewhynot" is saying I totally agree with it but its a little easier said than done when we have very little to no friends as it is and only work well in small numbers, not to mention most people our age are married up or will not go clubbing anymore. Dating sites are always about persistance and just a numbers game but keeping at it is def hard when each time you meet someone it eventuates into nothing. Most of the girls I meet are very similar to us in the fact that they go on lots of dates but they just arent interested in any of the guys they meet. Ive heard this from so many of them. I have set a deadline though as of next year to drop my physical standards in the people I will meet. I have decided that being single for long periods of time is in fact worse than settling for someone your not entirely physically attracted to.