Come inside for free chocolate!

[Zackarydoo]

it is a real dolphin: the amazon river dolphin. maybe i should turn you into an oreo instead! you'll be milk's favorite cookie

I saw the name of the site that photo was from and assumed it was a hoax. I've read up on it now though and they reckon it was genuine. Well who knows. It's easy to change the colour of something like that, so nobody other than the person who took it really knows the truth.

Oreos are nice, but they aren't real cookies. Not in the UK anyway.

 

[Nanita]

You're welcome Nanita, I've done my best. With our secret meeting to exchange the chocolate, there's no way Gummybear will be able to take it from you this time. Look on the bright side - It's her who'll have diarrhea for the next 2 weeks from all that chocolate she's steeling. :ironicsmile: :lol:

Hahaha.. true..

That's good that meeting your Dad went well. Sometimes I find that the times I stress about it the most, is when it goes the best. I don't know why that is. I'm curious how you prepare yourself. Is it meditation or more complex than that?

I guess it´s about focusing mentally on what I want and focusing emotionally on how it would feel like if I had already created the thing/the result that I want. By using mind and emotions this way, I put myself on the same "frequency" as what I want to attract/create.... (it´s like witchcraft. I´m a witch.) Also, I clear myself, I tell myself "other people´s behaviour doesn´t effect me, I stay peaceful no matter what others may do or say". Like protection. I need it because I´m very sensitive, I sense all sorts of things around me. And I often think other people are out to get me/insult me.

What is your native language? Your English is perfect so I thought that must be your first language.

I´m danish...

 

[Zackarydoo]

Are you really some sort of witch Nanita? I read all you message, including the extra bit you added, but the witch part stood out. So many people seem to be into stuff like that and it really bothers me a lot. I won't get into all my feelings about it because I tried that with someone recently and I know there is no good outcome. So I don't want to discuss it or argue about why it's good or bad. I'm just wondering if you really meant it or if it was light hearted or a joke that I didn't get.


______
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S4 phone using Tapatalk 2 on Android.

 

[Zackarydoo]

There goes my PC, doing it's backup again. I'm all for backups ya know, it's soooo important when you're serious about photography like I am. I just couldn't bare losing all my work! I wish I could put a backup somewhere other than in this house, but I don't want to pay for a service that lets me do that.

[technobabble alert] At least I have my backup disk downstairs, so it's as far from my PC as possible while staying in this house. The point of that is that if something happened to my PC and the disk was destroyed (like a fire), the backup wouldn't also be destroyed (unless the whole house went up in flames, but I can't protect against every possible scenario without paying loads more money!). It cost me a lot to get that setup though, as I had to run a cable from my bedroom to downstairs (ok I did already have that, come to think of it), I had to buy a new router that had gigabit capability, and also buy a server (just a small home one), and a hard disk to go on it, and I had to run a cable from my router, half way across the house, to the server. Why didn't I put the server next to the router? *thinks for a moment* I'm not sure! There was a good reason though. Oh I remember, I DID have it there to start with, but it's cooled with a fan and it was too noisy when watching the TV. I needed all that so that my PC could send files fast enough to the backup disk without taking hours to do it. It does it at around 38MB/s I think. Pretty cool, I'm sure you'll agree, if you know something about such things.
[/technobabble alert]

I could write about technical stuff for days! Hehehe. The problem is that the majority of people aren't interested. I know there are forums for that sort of thing, but the majority of people using those forums like to out-tech everyone else. So everything I wrote would be torn apart and every single tiny "mistake" or "something they didn't quite agree with" would spark a week long argument, and that would invite 20 other people to all join in, all giving their own views, which are all slightly different! I hate all that, it's just so stressful. I'd like to write about techno stuff with people who are at a similar level to me with their knowledge, or maybe a little less than me so I didn't feel too stupid, and who would discuss it rather than argue about it.

The sciatica in my leg is soooo bad lately, for weeks now. I just can't get enough exercise. Today I want to go to Currys, which is a long walk away but a few months ago I would have done that walk - I just can't do it now, I would be more than in agony before getting home. I would probably not make it home at all. I can walk a little bit it's painful the whole time, and as I walk further and further the pain gets worse and worse. So I'm getting a lift there later on.

[more technobabble alert] I want to buy a router, because in my bedroom at night I listen to a radio station on my phone that's streamed from the Internet, and since upgrading my phone recently it's not as good at picking up the wifi signal from my downstairs router, so the radio keeps cutting out. The connection generally drops so anything else I'm doing on the Internet stops working too. For some unknown reason, I have to turn wifi off on the phone, then re-start it for it to work again. So THAT is a bug with the phone, not the rooter. So I have decided to buy a cheap router to put in my bedroom that will pick up the signal from my other router and then retransmit it. That way, the signal should remain strong and not drop. You can get range extenders that are designed for exactly that, but some routers are able to be setup to do that too, and they are cheaper! So that's what I'll get, and it'll only cost me 20 quid. I actually think that there is something not quite right with my current router, as the way the signal dies and then cuts out isn't quite right, but there's nothing I can do about that. I don't want to replace it with a completely new router with gigabit capability because the one I have cost a lot of money, and everything else about it is awesome. I wouldn't usually buy anything for my computer in Currys, but they are the cheapest after taking postage into account and the fact that I can pick it up myself.
[/more technobabble alert]

Mumble mumble mumble. Yea yea, I know, but I have nobody to talk to, so I have to sit here talking to myself......or my diary.

I've been giving Second Life a go lately. I won't get into what that is again, so look it up if you're interested. I've had an account there since 2007 but I've spent as much time away from it as I have using it. I created a new account last year, around November, but barely used it at all for more than a day. So in the last few days I've logged into it a little and tried to chat to people, but it is soooo hard! I'm just not the sort of person who's any good at going up to strangers and talking to them out of the blue. It's what you have to do in Second Life though if you want to get to know anyone - Or wait for them to contact you first. I went to a dance club yesterday and was hanging out there, dressed in my cool suit (this is virtually, using my avatar on my PC, in case that isn't clear), and I was waiting for a woman to say hi to me. Oh I just remembered that someone did do that, but it was just to ask about my name. She then tried to tell me how I should do this and that (everyone there thinks they know more about Second Life than everyone else), and then she made it pretty clear from the way she wrote that she didn't want to speak any more. So that was the end of that. Then later I went up to a lady who was standing on her own and I initiated a conversation with her. She was nice and we had a decent chat, but it was very.....well....I don't know! It was just a chat with a stranger and there was no hint of becoming friends with her.

Have a nice Sunday, anyone who's crazy enough to be reading this.

 

[Nanita]

Are you really some sort of witch Nanita? I read all you message, including the extra bit you added, but the witch part stood out. So many people seem to be into stuff like that and it really bothers me a lot. I won't get into all my feelings about it because I tried that with someone recently and I know there is no good outcome. So I don't want to discuss it or argue about why it's good or bad. I'm just wondering if you really meant it or if it was light hearted or a joke that I didn't get.


______
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S4 phone using Tapatalk 2 on Android.

Haha don´t worry. I don´t think I´m actually a witch. But I wouldn´t mind being one I guess, since I relate witchcraft to wisdom in nature and so on... no harm in that

 

[Zackarydoo]

Haha don´t worry. I don´t think I´m actually a witch. But I wouldn´t mind being one I guess, since I relate witchcraft to wisdom in nature and so on... no harm in that

Okie kokie, that's good then. It's just that from all I've heard about the subject and stuff old friends have told me before when they've dabbled in it, it really shouldn't be messed with. So that's all that was bothering me. I understand what you're saying though. Hope you're having a nice Weekend.

 

[Zackarydoo]

I'm writing this in my own thread so as not to upset or annoy anyone directly. I hope I don't offend anyone who reads this.

Basically, I don't understand it when people who are stunningly good looking have social anxiety. Well I can understand their fears of things like using the phone, as that's a different sort of thing. Anything that involves seeing people face to face though? I just don't understand it and it actually really bugs me. The reason for this is that the reason I have SA is because of the way I look. It's about my weight mainly but other things too about my looks that I don't want to mention. So when I see photos of people who say they have SA, but they are actually really good looking, I wonder if they really know what SA is. I used to have a friend on Facebook who claimed to suffer with it and when I saw her photo I nearly fell off my chair! Seriously, she was probably the most amazing looking woman I've ever seen in my life. One of the problems I have in life is that women just don't go near me, despite the fact that I'm a very friendly and funny guy. I know that a huge part of that is due to my weight and other physical issues. These women who look really nice could snap their fingers and get any man they wanted. They also know they look good because of the way they enhance their looks, do their hair really nice, wear sexy clothing, etc.. So they aren't afraid to show themselves off to the world and they encourage people to look at them. I just saw a video of someone who says she has SA and she is absolutely stunning, and from the way she makes herself look, she very well knows she is too. She could ask any man to date her, sleep with her, marry her or do anything else with her and they would say yes and think all their dreams had come true!

I've seen many men and women post their photos on these forums and I haven't yet seen a bad looking one. Some of them even do strange things to their bodies like crazy hair and stuff. Those people definitely have no problems with how they look at all. If they did, they wouldn't do things that cause people to look at them even more than they would otherwise. Also many people give them compliments, so maybe they're being nice or maybe they really mean it.....I did get one comment when I posted my photo by the way (it may have been another forum, I'm not sure).

I do understand that there is more to social anxiety than how good you look. A huge part of it is about how you feel about the way you look though. That feeling I have about myself causes me to hide away and not want people looking at me. It means I have no local friends too and struggle to even find friends on the Internet, as very few people write to me, and those that do usually give up after seeing my photo (yes, they really do, and no, it isn't a coincidence every single time). Even in this thread, I had lots of people make comments, until I posted those crazy videos of me that show what I really look like without a shirt over my head. It all kinda dried up then and I didn't get one comment about them. Even one person writing to me privately suddenly didn't write again after that. Is it any wonder I feel about myself as I do?

So what is it with all these people claiming to have SA who have loads of friends, even a partner, go out a lot, have jobs, and basically have a good life? I would give anything to have any one of those things. Maybe those people are depressed but they certainly don't have social anxiety, or if they did, they have conquered it. I can accept that they may not realise how good they look, but I'm talking about people who make it clear they are very aware of it, and it's proven by the attention and compliments they get from others. Maybe they are just afraid of things that are nothing to do with someone seeing you, like using the phone or something. Is that SA? Maybe a very minor form of it.

Please don't anyone get angry with me about this post. Maybe there is more to SA than I realise? I just know that for ME, it is all about the way I look and the way I know people look at me and how they think of me, which is not in my head but has been proven over and over again throughout my life.

 

[neardeath]

My SA has a lot to do with body image and self-esteem, but that's not all of it.

I do believe I'd be better if I lost the rest of the weight I need to lose. I've been working at it, and went down a size - and about 20 pounds. It's a start.

I have friends and I go out because I force myself to. Nothing else has helped as far as therapy or meds, so I feel like I'm on my own. I try like hell every single day to take a risk and do something that is out of my comfort zone. Then I come home to my "sanctuary" and recuperate.

My SA is a general panic feeling and feeling stupid, immature, not grown up, like I gave up a long time ago on life. I feel like people are constantly judging me, whether they are, or not. When my partner died five years ago things got worse. She was my rock. We depended on each other.

When I was younger and good looking and at my desired weight, I still felt bad about myself. I felt like I was huge, but it was a misconception. I have photos of me in a canoe at about 17 with a bathing suit on. OMG! I was much different than my own perception of myself. What I wouldn't give to get into some of those tiny clothes now. They looked like kids clothing.

I'm sure everyone has SA in a different way to a different degree. I know many people seem much worse with it than I do, but it still messes with my entire life on a daily basis.

Loved you Coveside photos. Keep up the good work!

 

[Zackarydoo]

Thanks for your message, it all makes a lot of sense and helps me see things a bit differently.

Well done for the weight loss, 20lb is loads to lose. I've lost quite a bit myself (about 4.5 stone, so that's 61lb). I'm sure it wasn't that much, but I keep calculating it and that does work out. I've put some on recently though because of sciatica making it hard for me to exercise. It has made me feel a lot better about myself, but I still have a long LONG way to go.

I haven't had any therapy because the way I think is that I know what's wrong with me, it's all about my size, and no therapy can tell me any different. Maybe I'm a bit too stuck in my own thoughts or something, I don't know. I am due to have CBT therapy at some point though, if I go through with it. I don't know if it'll help or not but people say it's worth having.

I have a similar story to yours, when you said you thought you were huge when you were younger but old photos show otherwise. When I was in my 30's I was working and for some reason was in the Human Resources Manageress's office. I will never know what prompted her to do this, but she dug out from the files a photo of me from when I started there, at about 16. I was shocked because I looked quite normal, and not that big! I was overweight but not to the extent I thought I was, and my head and face looked fine too. It made me wish I had made more effort with better clothes when I was that age, and mixed with people more, as maybe I wasn't as terrible as I thought.

I appreciate your comments on my photos, thank you very much!

Have a good day,
Geoff.

 

[Zackarydoo]

I take your point Anomie and I was trying really hard not to offend anyway, and that is partly why I wrote about my feelings in my own thread that I use as my diary, rather than anywhere else.

I accept that this isn't the case for everyone but for me at least, my SA is almost completely down to the way I look. It makes so much sense to me, as whenever I think about going out and people seeing me it's all about what I look like. Also, the weight I have lost in the past year or 2 has improved the way I feel when going out a lot, and I actually sometimes enjoy going out and having people see me as I'm so much more confident due to my weight-loss. Maybe that isn't the case for other people but for me at least, it isn't complicated and there are no other terms attached to my SA to explain it. I can't speak for others but I was just trying to make the point that I don't understand why people who look very good and have so much in their lives can really say that have SA. That doesn't mean that there are no reasons, only that I cannot understand it myself - And yes, it gets to me when I look at them compared to me. I can't help the way it makes me feel though and I'm not attacking anyone personally.

So I do accept that SA is more complex for many than it is for me, but this is a diary after all, and I was just stating the way I felt. Sorry if you were offended.

 

[Zackarydoo]

That's ok, you weren't aggressive so no worries there. I did kinda invite replies and opinions I suppose by the fact I wrote what I did, even though it was in my diary, I know it's still a public forum of course. I just didn't want to direct it at anyone in particular and didn't want to argue with anyone about it.

So thanks for what you wrote and feel free to say more any time.


______
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S4 phone using Tapatalk 2 on Android.

 

[Zackarydoo]

I just wrote loads but decided not to send it. I could imagine all the replies I might get and the arguments that would develop from it. Sometimes it's best to just keep my gob shut. I wish I had someone to talk to properly.


______
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S4 phone using Tapatalk 2 on Android.

 

[Zackarydoo]

Hi Anomie, thanks for what you wrote. I suppose I'm just used to people disliking certain things I write about certain subjects. Sometimes they are only trying to be helpful too, but I get frustrated at being told the same things over and over again. It isn't their fault, I know, but sometimes it's best to stop the whole situation happening.

I'm quite stressed today. I'm very very keen to hear from someone but the site I know her from has been acting up for 2 days, so they are likely unable to write to me. Plus I'm not having a few happy time with another friend who I'm arguing with.

 

[Zackarydoo]

Well it's happened again, just like it always does. I was writing to someone and we got on really well - More than really well. She started flirting with me and made me feel like she really liked me and was interested as more than a friend. It felt nice and I started to love getting her emails. Then we did the dreaded photo swap. She wrote the usual, "Oh you're so hansom". "Oh you have lovely eyes". Yea right, I thought to myself, but didn't say that I didn't believe she meant it. I just thanked her of course. Well the next major email she sends me, guess what? I could have predicted it. Well actually I did predict it to myself and to a couple of friends. In her letter, she was as cold as ice, and told me about this guy she was planning to meet and go on a date with. She told me this to "make something clear". She didn't write like she used to either, it was just not the same. Obviously she had this date to go on with someone else now anyway......OR DID SHE?

In case anyone is thinking that it's just an unfortunate coincidence - I would accept that once. Or even twice. Or even 10 times! This has happened to me so many times though and I have no idea how many, but it's a lot more than 10, maybe 20 or more. I chat to a women, we flirt a little, then a lot, they make it clear they're interested, I really like them and look forward to their letters, and then we do the photo swap. Oh, guess what then? Somehow, out of the blue, some situation happens that stops them being interested and they want to be "just friends". I would love to be just friends if they hadn't flirted with me and led me on and made me feel like they were interested in more. It's too late by that point though.

So I am not even the tiniest bit surprised by what this woman has done. Ok, so looks do matter, I totally believe they do and it actually annoys me when people say, "Looks don't matter to me". They are lying to say that, because of course looks matter in a relationship. You have to feel attracted to someone you want a relationship with. What I wish people wouldn't do is get to know me and tease and make me feel wanted and loved, if they are then going to run away when they see my photos. I know I look terrible, and this sort of situation proves that others think the same, so I don't blame people for not being interested - Why can't they hold off with getting all flirty and lovey dovey with me though, so I don't fall for them?

I know what people will think - "People like that aren't worth it". "Just forget about her and get on with your life". "I'm sure you'll find someone soon". "Just be patient". Yea yea yea. It's been about 8 years now of being single. Nothing is set to change. It's no wonder I have Social Anxiety.

[edit] I'll leave all the above in, as people have read it already and commented, plus this is supposed to be my on-going diary. It seems that I was a little harsh and spoke too soon. I had an email from the person in question with lots of apologies and feeling very bad for what she did. I suggested we speak about it on the phone, so we did. I probably shouldn't go into too many details in public (even though she's unlikely to see this as she doesn't use these forums), but basically she is one in a million who actually hasn't been put off by my looks, and it was just bad timing, and she was trying to do the right thing. She already knew someone else you see and she has a date with him planned, which wasn't expected. So fair enough, I got that one wrong. I'm glad too because I like her a lot and she still likes me. We're just friends for now and she'll see what happens with the guy she's got a date with.[/edit]

 

[surewhynot]

You are right, looks do matter. This is why, if you are looking online for someone to start a serious relationship with, it would be a good idea to share pictures right off the bat. I mean, you can't blame her : if there is no physical attraction, there is no physical attraction. You can't do anything about it. It is sad that looks are as important as they are, but it is the truth. If you share your picture at the very beginning, you'll filter out everyone who isn't interested, which will bring you much more success. Good luck!

 

[Zackarydoo]

You are right, looks do matter. This is why, if you are looking online for someone to start a serious relationship with, it would be a good idea to share pictures right off the bat. I mean, you can't blame her : if there is no physical attraction, there is no physical attraction. You can't do anything about it. It is sad that looks are as important as they are, but it is the truth. If you share your picture at the very beginning, you'll filter out everyone who isn't interested, which will bring you much more success. Good luck!

I am always happy to share my photo at first. Not everyone is though, and if I send mine they feel pressured to send theirs, and I know that would be the case with this latest person so I didn't want to make her feel pressured. She was scared enough what people would think of her looks as it was.

There is more to it that I haven't given details of, and in lots of ways she has been unfair.

Thanks for writing, have a nice evening.

 

[gummybear22]

how long do you typically go on with the girl before yall share photos?

 

[Zackarydoo]

It varies Miss Gummybear. I do try to show myself from the start, but it doesn't always go like that, so it just depends on me and them and how shy we both feel.

I'm going to update my initial post about this so look out for that, as I want to mention things that have changed.

 

[Zackarydoo]

I'm feeling pretty bad. I haven't felt like updating this blog for a while. The funny haha side of me just doesn't exist at the moment.

At the moment I'm feeling the same as I always do when I get to know someone new, which is that however great things might be at first, things soon change and then there are all sorts of reasons why I barely hear from them again. The reasons always seem very genuine and real, and I always believe them, yet it always happens. I don't understand it at all.

I'm scared to even look on the website/forum/whatever that I meet someone from in case I see them there, because then I'll know their problems didn't stop them using the Internet, only writing to me. It's what always happens so these days I try not to even go there just in case I see them. Best to avoid a situation I think.

However sad I am being alone, at least I'm a lot less stressed.

Nothing I've written here is related to anyone on these forums.

 

[gummybear22]

i think it's good that you're avoiding that situation since it seems to be in a loop. is it just one particular site or whichever one you meet someone on?