College Adventures

[Shift]

Well, nothing that exciting, really. But I decided to go to an out of state college and live on my own, which is huge for me. I mean, I got accepted to an in state college and I could have shared an apartment with two of the three friends I have. And I would have been content with my life and wouldn't feel the need to change. Buuuut, I decided not to take the easy way out and I thought I'd let you know how my first quarter went (I'm back home now for winter break).

For the most part, I found that I was actually less depressed than I had been living at home. Well, except for one incident, which is as good a place to start as any, I suppose.

For the first quarter, we don't get to choose our classes. I got stuck in Public Speaking. My first speech didn't go so well (panic attack and I started crying and just quit) but after that all my speeches were A's and B's. I was feeling proud of myself and excited that I could actually have an A in public speaking, which no one thought I'd be able to do. My therapist even told me that I shouldn't take that class.

Then, we were assigned a group speech. Worst thing that ever happened to me in my life (at least while in Savannah, including the time I was grabbed on the street by some guy while I was walking to class). I got put into a group with three catty girls. I was ostracized and bullied the entire time I was working with them because I'm quiet. Also, half of the grade on the group project is given to you by the other group members, so of course they all gave me a terrible grade despite the fact that I did my best and got everything done that I was supposed to. I got really depressed and ended up falling behind in all my classes.

I was able to get my grades back up to A's in all my other classes except for Public Speaking (got a C, so still passing).




Anyway, on to happier things: My interpersonal relationships! Honestly, I wasn't expecting to make any friends. But I've got a few:

Roommate, not quite my friend but we get along well enough. Meh. It could be worse. Her boyfriend is pretty much living with us too, which isn't allowed in the dorms but I don't care enough to complain. Though it makes me really uncomfortable when they have really loud sex while I'm home.

Bobby, he was the first friend I made. I actually met him on DeviantArt before I started school. That made things a bit easier for me. I didn't really hang out with him much after the first time we met up though. He's busy a lot and I feel like I'm bothering him when I try to make plans... So I kind of gave up.

JD, one of Bobby's friends. Er... I have a crush on him. He's really sweet and patient with me. I spend a lot of time with him. I think he likes me too (at the very least I know he's attracted to me physically ). Oh, and he invited me to go on a road trip with him and his friends in January. I'm looking forward to that.

Tyler, he's one of the nicest people I've met and has generally made my experience in a new place much more pleasant than I expected. I want to be better friends with him, but I am terrified to talk to him. I've played video games with him twice and took a shower at his place once (that was really embarrassing, by the way, but my shower was broken and he's the only person I knew who lived at the same dorm as me and it was inconvenient to drive all the way over to JD's place just to take a shower)... Also, he wrote this to me:

"You stand out by not standing out. You are perhaps one of the most reserved people I've met and it makes me (and I imagine others) wonder what you're thinking. However I know that you are indeed very kind, and interested in learning. You're not afraid to ask for help despite you're demeanor which is great. However don't be so hesitant to express more of yourself. You'll can only be happier that way and meet people who likewise will make you happy."

I dunno. It made me happy. And also more motivated to open up to people more. Next quarter I am going to try to do better about talking more.



I've also tried getting involved in things happening around school too:

I took a self defense class. Which, sadly, happened after that guy grabbed me. But it helped me feel more confident and not afraid to go out by myself anymore. Plus it was fun and the only time I've yelled in front of people. (they make you yell "NO! a lot). I am a tiny girl so everyone was surprised at how strong I am. I thought that was funny.

I joined the Smash League, which is a Super Smash Bros. Brawl tournament thing. I got to meet up with a different person every week and play video games. I ended up getting 59th place (out of 80). It was fun. Didn't really make any new friends, but it gave me something to do on the weekends. They had a party after it was over to share the results and give out prizes and I went to that.

Bake off. I made cheesecake and I won first place for best tasting (the other category was for best presentation). I think I talked to more people that day than I did the the entire time I'd been living there.

Gender Bender Ball... I dressed up like a boy and danced with people that I didn't know. That was scary and definitely faaaar out of my comfort zone. I ran into JD and ended up leaving early and going to a movie with him and a few of his friends. I was rather relieved to get away from the loud music and dancing and into a movie theatre where I didn't have to talk to anyone.

 

[Shift]

I decided to go to the student counseling services and try to start up therapy again.

I met my new therapist (which is free because it's through the college! Yay!). I don't quite know how I feel about her yet. She's very different from the one I had back in CO, but that might be good. We mostly talked about my family life and my past, which my old therapist didn't really talk to me about because we were more working on ways to cope with anxiety and I was also really depressed while I was seeing her, so we worked on getting my mood up also. The new one says I don't really seem to have anxiety, just that I never learned how to socialize when I was younger like most people do. I agree with her there, but I am also anxious sometimes too.

And to be honest, (though I haven't been diagnosed) I am pretty sure I have avoidant personality disorder and then just a bit of social anxiety that stems from that.

Oh! After we were done talking about my family, we talked about what high school was like for me. And then... She asked if I've ever dated before and I said kind of. Which I had to explain... My first boyfriend was gay and I had a hard time explaining that to her and she didn't understand. And I didn't know what to say. Then my second boyfriend was crazy. And I told her that I like JD but that we're just friends. Didn't tell her about the "with benefits" part though.

And she says I have to join a club that has nothing to do with video games because I spend too much time on the computer. I'm still going to be in Smash League though. I just need to find something else to do too.

Also, my roommate invited me to go to a party tonight and I am terrified. But I said I'd go.

Update: As always, when Roommate invites me to do things with her, she forgot about me and left. Which I don't mind. I am not much of a drinker nor into parties. But still, it's kind of annoying that she always invites me to things and then goes without me.

 

[Phoenixx]

No posts on this thread? Really?? I'm glad I found this. I like reading these things as I'm about to go to college in the fall, but still undecided whether I want to go out of state or not. Despite your anxiety, it sounds like you're doing really well and having lots of fun Just curious, but do colleges normally have therapists? And if they do, are they free? I've never gone to a therapist, and I think I would much like to go to one when I do go to college. Good luck at the party I'm sure you'll be fine.

 

[Scrabbl]

No posts on this thread? Really?? I'm glad I found this. I like reading these things as I'm about to go to college in the fall, but still undecided whether I want to go out of state or not. Despite your anxiety, it sounds like you're doing really well and having lots of fun Just curious, but do colleges normally have therapists? And if they do, are they free? I've never gone to a therapist, and I think I would much like to go to one when I do go to college. Good luck at the party I'm sure you'll be fine.

Phoenixx I definitely encourage you to go out of state. I went away from home for college and it's helped me a lot . if nothing else it made me feel i am capable of being independent & responsible and able to steer my own life.

I've never tried counseling on campus. Even when it was rly bad. Didn't want the hassle of having to make up excuses to ppl about where I disappear off to at random hours. Also didn't wanna admit that I have a problem that i couldn't handle on my own.

Shift I enjoyed reading ur story. it sounds like u've been doing a lot of cool stuff. I'm rly jealous of your adventures. Good or bad they're still valuable experiences that make u an interesting & unique person. I feel like my college life is pretty uneventful compared to yours.

My daily concerns at the moment are more like along the lines of.. how do I keep up with studying and not fall behind in class. Deadlines. deciding between equally disgusting and unhealthy restaurants around campus. Getting sleep. chilling with friends so i don't feel so alone. Interviews and resumes ( would like to have a nice job for this summer.

I just came back from a toastmaster's club meeting on campus. I went there just to see what it was like. I feel like most people there is already soo good at public speaking that they don't need any more practice or help! I rly think some of those ppl are just there to show off their skills. I mean u take a random guy from that toastmasters group and I'd bet he is 10 times better at public speaking than ur average person.

So my opinion on toastmasters is that they would NOT help people with SP. Has any1 else been to a toastmasters event ? what do u think?

 

[JamesSmith]

I went out of state and it ended in disaster. I didn't go back after freshman year. I failed to make enough friends and one of my friends bailed on me so i was mostly alone. I have yet to complete sophmore year and i'm 26.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

Wow that's amazing!! Change can do you good sometimes
(yes I know it's not most useful comment)

 

[kihira]

Shift, this is a very interesting read, I hope you keep it up

 

[los77]

cool post, I've been thinking of going to school in another place and your story makes it more intrigueing,,, just too bad i cant afford to do so at the moment

 

[Shift]

@Phoenixx: I thought it was too long and no one wanted to read it. Haha. But anyway, I went to a community college before and they didn't have any counseling, but I found a nearby college (that I wasn't attending... CU Boulder) that had a clinic and I went there and it was only $10 per session because they have a sliding scale for payment and I didn't have a job. At the school I'm at now (SCAD) student counseling is free.

@Scrabbl: No one notices when I disappear at odd hours. Mostly because I never tell anyone where I'm going anyway. I just leave. This school has a lot of stuff going on all the time though. I'm going to an EFT Group for Stress Management group today, which is like acupuncture, except with tapping pressure points instead of being stuck with needles. It's supposed to help with anxiety. And my school's hosting an anime/comic/video game convention this weekend and I kind of wanted to check that out.

I've been to a couple Toastmasters competitions just to watch, not participate. I don't think I'd be able to do that D: Especially the one's where they tell you the topic after you get up there to speak so you don't get to prepare before hand or practice... you just have to make it up as you go.

@JamesSmith: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that your first year of college didn't go well. Have you tried any online college classes? And I'm pretty sure one of my friends bailed on me. >_> I haven't seen him since I got back even though I've been trying to make plans with him. So I just have Tyler now, but even though he says I can come over whenever I want, I really don't want to be obnoxious about it. So I'm still a bit afraid to invite myself over. I have a couple times though!

 

[Luke1993]

Wow you have such an eventful life! A great read. I wish I could go to university. I do go to something called college, but it's a different thing in the UK. I'm not smart enough or rich enough for university haha it's great you decided to go out of your state (and comfort zone too) and it seems like the gamble paid off!

I spend a lot of time with him. I think he likes me too (at the very least I know he's attracted to me physically ).

This confused me lol, you say you think he likes you, so he hasn't told you that he likes you. But you know he finds you attractive, so how would you know that without him telling you?

 

[Shift]

Wow you have such an eventful life! A great read. I wish I could go to university. I do go to something called college, but it's a different thing in the UK. I'm not smart enough or rich enough for university haha it's great you decided to go out of your state (and comfort zone too) and it seems like the gamble paid off!



This confused me lol, you say you think he likes you, so he hasn't told you that he likes you. But you know he finds you attractive, so how would you know that without him telling you?

His girlfriend dumped him right before I met him so it's bit weird because he isn't ready for another relationship and doesn't want to have his heartbroken. But he's really sweet to me and he cares about me enough to worry about how I'm feeling. Plus he's super patient with my SA and tries to help me make more friends. So I think he likes me, but that he's afraid of dating right now.

And... Er... so... We sort of have a friends with benefits type of relationship going on. Or at least we did. I haven't seen him at all this quarter,so I don't even know if we're still friends. I should see him tomorrow night for Smash League though, but we'll see.

 

[Mystic-Biscuit]

Hey Shift,

Good to hear about another college/uni student's life, it's pretty interesting too. I tried the 'counselling service' at my uni just the once, mainly because it helped me get out of a tight spot regarding a deadline, and also because I felt really uncomfortable with the counsellor staring at me continously - she didn't even stop to blink!

Anyway, sounds like things are going good for you. I'd say I have to agree with your therapist about going to different clubs; I met some of my closest friends by going to random clubs, one of which was theatre (I did backstage stuff mainly, not got the guts to perform under the spotlight, lol) but yeah, met some great people through doing something new.

I'm still getting over the idea of US students having to share rooms - we're all separated into individual rooms at my uni, which sounds a bit anti-social, but it's good to have your own place sometimes. Still sounds pretty cool to have room-mate though, especially if you get on, lol.

Anyway, keep updating!

 

[Phoenixx]

@Scrabbl: Thanks for letting me know! I've actually been thinking about going out of state to a college in Mass., but of course my dad is against the idea. He thinks something's gonna happen and then he'll have to travel 8 hours to get me. Just the usual father worries.

@Shift: Yeah, it was long, but it was a fun read Nice to hear about cheap sessions too. There's this one college that I really like that's only 40 mins. from my house. I think they might have free counseling, but I'll have to check into that.

 

[JamesSmith]

@JamesSmith: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that your first year of college didn't go well. Have you tried any online college classes? And I'm pretty sure one of my friends bailed on me. >_> I haven't seen him since I got back even though I've been trying to make plans with him. So I just have Tyler now, but even though he says I can come over whenever I want, I really don't want to be obnoxious about it. So I'm still a bit afraid to invite myself over. I have a couple times though!

I haven't tried online classes and I can't try online classes unless money falls into my lap somehow. I'm practically broke and unemployed, and my parents refuse to pay for college anymore because they say that no jobs that require a degree would suit me because I'm so socially anxious. I don't want to take out students loans because I haven't been able to hold a job for more than a year. I've worked at least 10 different jobs and quit, got fired, or laid off from all of them. As for friends, I don't hang out with them anymore. I'm not super depressed, but it's because of this situation that I'm not too happy and do get depressed here and there. I just wish I could consistently connect with people and have enough money to support myself so I could be independent. It's amazing how those two things are so insanely difficult for me. It's not like I haven't been trying.

 

[Shift]

@Mystic-Biscuit: I wouldn't go back to counseling either if my therapist was staring at me the whole time... When people do that to me, I usually end up hiding my face behind something or looking at the floor when I talk.

I thought there was a club here for volunteering at the Humane Society, but I can't find anything on it now... I can't find any that I'm interested in. I know there's more clubs than the few that are listed on the website, but I don't know how to find them.

I don't like having a roommate D: She's really outgoing and she can be friendly, but she can be a bit bigoty at times and says things that don't sit well with me. And er... I won't cook anything if she or her boyfriend is home because I don't like cooking in front of people and they are always hanging out in the living room, which is connected to the kitchen without a wall in between... So I haven't eaten anything except for breakfast for the past two days because they've been home so much.

@Phoenixx: Cool. Let me know if you decide to go there

@JamesSmith: Oh, I worry about that too... I love learning, but I'm terrified that I'll never actually get a job once I graduate. That's one of the reasons I'm going to SCAD; they are a prestigious school and they help you to find a job once you get out. Also, I'm pretty impressed that you've been able to get 10 jobs... I never make it past the interviews I've only had two jobs: Making jewelry (because my best friend's mom owned the company) and modeling for art classes (no interview, just a ton of paperwork).

 

[Shift]

UPDATE:

My therapist says that there's nothing wrong with me and that I just need to learn how to love and accept myself. It's such an odd concept, I don't think I can really comprehend that. I've spent my whole life feeling like there's something wrong with me because I can't talk to people. And the solution is to take care of myself, do things that make me happy, and accept myself? So I'm not meeting with her every week now. Just once in a while for check ups so she knows how I'm doing.

I've made a few more friends and have been feeling a lot less depressed. Two I met through my roommate. She invited them over one night and I played video games with them for a bit and then somehow ended up hanging out with them until 9am. It was fun though. There's a few people I see pretty regularly from Smash League. I don't know if we're close enough to be considered friends yet. Well, one of them I consider to be my friend because we see each other a lot outside of the weekly club meetings.

Relationships. Oh God. I don't even understand. JD, the guy I had a crush on... We went from "I can be yours for one night" (because he just broke up with his girlfriend and wasn't interested in dating, just a one night stand) to being pretty good friends (who had occasional casual sex). But recently, things have gotten much more intimate... I don't know if that means I should tell him that I would like to be his girlfriend. Or if I should just leave things the way they are. I don't want things to be awkward between us D: