Can't believe my ex really left me...

[MadCat]

Guys/girls, I can't accept it! I just can't.

I've been dreaming all night about her. It's always the same thing, in my dreams. We are so happy together, then she tells me she's leaving me for no reason, just like what happened in real life.

It's so hard because I've been waking up so many times tonight, every time, I turn to my side and I keep saying stuff to her and she's not there. "Joanna, please don't go!", as I wake up, with tears running down my face. Then I look to the other pillow, and she isn't even there. At first when I wake up from these dreams I feel I am still semi asleep, but aware at the same time as I have just woke up. Then it takes me a while to realise she's not next to me, and then I feel so sad and sick.

In one of my dreams, it was awful for me. It might seem happy to some, but for me it wasn't. She told me she was pregnant, and we were so happy. Then I woke up and it wasn't real... This is destroying me inside. The reason why is I so much wanted to have a family, I always have. To know it will never happen, kills me.

I miss her.... I just cannot understand why she has cut me off like this, why she promised to always be with me, that we'd have children, then the next just completely abandoned me without a word. All I've heard from her is 1 txt message, saying "u ok?", but she has not responded to anything I've sent back, not even when I responded to that.

So I'm hurting still, it's been a little over 2 weeks now. I just felt I needed to say something as I feel so lonely and sad right now. I know people have said I'll find someone who treats me better and doesn't rage on me all the time, but I can't see that?

 

[Morgan01]

everything happens for a reason. you just have to keep telling yourself that and those kind of possitive thoughts. It will be hard but you will make it through eventually and you will have good times and you still have a big hope for a family and kids.
I know it's awful now but just don't give up things get worse before they get better.
try to work on yourself for a while.

 

[dottie]

wow that's rough sorry to hear

 

[Illusions]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I've been in one just like that and all I can say is time heals. Good luck.

 

[Remus]

your probably going through the worst bit Madcat, it gets better with time, you'll be abit more upbeat in a few months time and it wont feel like your guts are being torn apart.

Hope you feel better soon.

its a cliche but there's plenty more fish

 

[MadCat]

Thanks all. I've been going through all her photos and, well, things she said to me. I think maybe I should have seen the clue that it would never have worked out. It's so bad because I kinda gave up everything I had so she could be happy, and I really feel like I let not only her down, but myself as well.

It kinda struck me today, when I needed to shave, that she wasn't in the bathroom. Little things like that I miss. You know, her just sorting out some stuff in the bathroom, washing her face, etc. I mean we usually had a funny little thing we'd do stuff at the same time in the bathroom and I kinda miss that. Sucks to have the mirror all to myself.

Life goes on, even thuogh it hurts like hell. Bah...

 

[spider04]

time heals..

 

[Ashiene]

at least u get the experience and the memories to keep. i got neither, and probably never will.

 

[Morgan01]

actually, I'd prefer not to have had the experience. but that's just me.

it feels that way now but it will give you more knowledge and you will be more prepared when you go into your next relationship.
anytime something bad happens to us we always think ..This sucks why did this happen.. but later down the road once we start to move on we begin to see the reasoning behind things and the good that may have came out of that one bad thing in the long run and all that we learned from it.
All of these things make us better people.
without sadnesss we could never feel happy.

 

[Morgan01]

no, it just poisoned me actually. It's been nearly two years and I'm still ****ed in the head. so yeah, I could have done without that experience.

maybe in 10 years you will feel differently

 

[Perfidion]

You know what really helps? Purging. Take the photos, and the e-mails, and the text messages, and the knick-knacks and anything you have in your space that reminds you of her, and get rid of it. Toss it. Burn it. Whatever. Because if you don't, every single time you happen to glance at it, it's going to bring it all flooding back, and that's only going to prolong your agony. Banish her from your life. I know it sounds harsh, but I've found it's far easier to get over things like this if you're not constantly dwelling/brooding/moping about what might have been. Sometimes you just have to be ruthless, even with yourself.

In other news, there are millions of women in the world. Millions. Think about that for a minute. Okay, now get purging...

 

[MadCat]

You know what really helps? Purging. Take the photos, and the e-mails, and the text messages, and the knick-knacks and anything you have in your space that reminds you of her, and get rid of it. Toss it. Burn it. Whatever. Because if you don't, every single time you happen to glance at it, it's going to bring it all flooding back, and that's only going to prolong your agony. Banish her from your life. I know it sounds harsh, but I've found it's far easier to get over things like this if you're not constantly dwelling/brooding/moping about what might have been. Sometimes you just have to be ruthless, even with yourself.

In other news, there are millions of women in the world. Millions. Think about that for a minute. Okay, now get purging...

Well I have videos of her and me together in HD. I don't think I can get rid of them ever. I will keep the MiniDV tape hidden though. I actually need it for evidence just in case she comes back or starts getting the police involved over certain things.

It hard right now but I will think on what you've said about everything else. At the very least I will move them to another hard drive and shove that away somewhere. I have a nasty habit of keeping everything that happens in my life so one day I can look back and understand more about myself, due to issues with my own memory, etc.

 

[Morgan01]

Well I have videos of her and me together in HD. I don't think I can get rid of them ever. I will keep the MiniDV tape hidden though. I actually need it for evidence just in case she comes back or starts getting the police involved over certain things.

It hard right now but I will think on what you've said about everything else. At the very least I will move them to another hard drive and shove that away somewhere. I have a nasty habit of keeping everything that happens in my life so one day I can look back and understand more about myself, due to issues with my own memory, etc.

the police?

 

[MadCat]

the police?

Yes she is an expert of twisting things around and lying. We were recording a videos together and she thought it wasn't recording at the time and was spewing out all sorts of stuff out her mouth about how she can ruin anyones life if she wants to. It just so happened she was having a moment when she started raging, threatening to kill herself, all those things. I caught it all on camera. So if she ever does try to get the police involved and claim I ever did something to hurt her, at least I have evidence of her raging on me for absolutely NO reason at all, threatening to kill my pets, etc.

 

[Remus]

Jesus! I think you are well rid mate, I dated someone very similar a long long time ago, left me with far worse anxiety and depression, took me years to pick myself up after it ended, I can look back now and think "why did I put up with such abuse" (some of it physical), easy to say that now but when you fall for the wrong person, you are pretty much stuffed, I think now that because of my problems I was "easy meat" and a great emotional punchbag for my ex, possibly this was the attraction on her part?

 

[MadCat]

Jesus! I think you are well rid mate, I dated someone very similar a long long time ago, left me with far worse anxiety and depression, took me years to pick myself up after it ended, I can look back now and think "why did I put up with such abuse" (some of it physical), easy to say that now but when you fall for the wrong person, you are pretty much stuffed, I think now that because of my problems I was "easy meat" and a great emotional punchbag for my ex, possibly this was the attraction on her part?

That's exactly how I feel. While you're involved you are not that aware of the severity of the situation, or what is really going on. It's harder when going through it to realise. Being "easy meat", as you say it, is bad news for us. We attract those looking for emotionally easily pushed around people, and they'll always enjoy sucking us dry of life so they can take their anger out on us at the same time.

Sad truth is easy meat gets to be abused meat sooner or later. Sorry you went through a lot as well, it's not nice huh.

 

[Satine]

I'm sorry you're going through this, MadCat. But as Remus said, this is probably the roughest part, so it'll get gradually better from here.

Just remember to take the opportunity to move on when you feel you've cried all you can over this. And you've always got support here

 

[Remus]

Sad truth is easy meat gets to be abused meat sooner or later. Sorry you went through a lot as well, it's not nice huh.

I tell you what though, I learnt alot and it made me stronger, in my early 20's I really was a push over

 

[MadCat]

I'm sorry you're going through this, MadCat. But as Remus said, this is probably the roughest part, so it'll get gradually better from here.

Just remember to take the opportunity to move on when you feel you've cried all you can over this. And you've always got support here

Thanks, I've been having a bad night again. In the middle of the night I got a call on my phone, and I know no one would text me at that time, except her. I couldn't find my phone, and it stopped. Number withheld. I kicked myself for not finding it in time. I wonder if it was her or not... It can't be anyone else.

Well, regardless of all of this, I still wish her to be safe and out of harms way. I'm happy to say though, that I've been composing another classical new age track, which really takes my mind off things. I do cry a lot while composing my music, because most of my stuff comes from painful memories and experiences, but alas this is one way of trying to move forward. Letting it all out into something we can all understand, music! Ty again.

I tell you what though, I learnt alot and it made me stronger, in my early 20's I really was a push over

This gives me a lot of hope. I'm still in my 20's and if I can get stronger by my 30's, I'll be a lot happier as well. I think right at this stage I am strong enough to resist having her back if she begged me. That's a good sign I think, even though deep down it destroys me to pass up a chance to "not" be lonely. Thanks for the support.