Being nice to people is a waste of time.

[deleted user 1]

Being nasty, aggressive, rude et al, the very qualities that some of you claim to be better qualities in the long run will ALWAYS invite trouble! You want to live by the sword, then be prepared to die by the sword.

 

[BlackPuma]

Friends are made by common interest, not by simply being nice. By being nice you win their respect over time, when you gain their respect you open conversational door that you can use to find those common interests, and as such you become friends.

On top of that, there are a few billion people on this planet, and I've met more then a few of them that -do- appreciate people being nice to them, regardless of charm and personal presentation. The thing is, by being nice you actually have a chance of finding those people- but by being aloof and unfriendly you pretty much shut that door right away, even if you were to find one.

It's your own decision of course, but I strongly urge you to take the hard way. Don't settle for the easiest path because it seems apparent that the hard way isn't working. And just because it isn't working right away (or for a longer extend of time) doesn't make that negative result the linear and constant outcome to the method, either. Either keep at it, or find a new method, but don't simply give up.

But that's just my suggestion.

 

[BlackPuma]

Being kind, polite, and agreeable will often be seen as a weakness and inferiority.

Not if it's combined with integrity. You can be nice- and disagree with someone at the same time. Being nice isn't always about making others feel as good as possible.

 

[BlueDays]

Not if it's combined with integrity. You can be nice- and disagree with someone at the same time. Being nice isn't always about making others feel as good as possible.

Well said!

 

[Aussie_Lad]

Treat others like you would like to be treated yourself. That is the biggest factor, because underneath people's different exterior people are all the same. They want to feel important, loved, respected and admired. They may have different ways to go about finding these things, but as long as you are aware of it, you can treat everyone in a compassionate way, but may need to modify your behavior a little depending on who it is you are speaking to. It doesn't mean being nice to everyone, but at the same time, you don't want to be nasty either or people will treat you worse than you are currently being treated.

 

[coyote]

Treat others like you would like to be treated yourself. That is the biggest factor, because underneath people's different exterior people are all the same. They want to feel important, loved, respected and admired. They may have different ways to go about finding these things, but as long as you are aware of it, you can treat everyone in a compassionate way, but may need to modify your behavior a little depending on who it is you are speaking to. It doesn't mean being nice to everyone, but at the same time, you don't want to be nasty either or people will treat you worse than you are currently being treated.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Treat others like you would like to be treated yourself. That is the biggest factor, because underneath people's different exterior people are all the same. They want to feel important, loved, respected and admired. They may have different ways to go about finding these things, but as long as you are aware of it, you can treat everyone in a compassionate way, but may need to modify your behavior a little depending on who it is you are speaking to. It doesn't mean being nice to everyone, but at the same time, you don't want to be nasty either or people will treat you worse than you are currently being treated.

Chuck Norris Likes. I try to be nice. But I also dont patronize ppl by being fake nice when I feel bad. I do my BEST tho, not to let a bad mood be projected onto them. Easily can be done. But I always appreciate when someone is "nice" to me when maybe I dont even deserve it. You don't have to be "nice", but doesnt mean be not nice either. So. Basically repeating and reaffirming what Aussie lad said for no reason lol.

 

[schist]

Well they do often greet me when we see each other, and sometimes ask me about stuff, but I can't help but feel it's not sincere.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

You mentioned "certain people" which I assume means that some people do respond well to your niceness. Focusing on the people who aren't receptive is senseless and you won't be winning anyone's favor by taking it to heart or becoming defensive/angry. No one wants to be around an angry, defensive person.
I think you're right when you say that being friendly won't help you make friends. If that were the case, every friendly person would have countless friends. It takes more work than being just being friendly. Don't allow yourself to become discouraged. Your efforts will come to fruition if you remain constant and positive. You have to believe this if you want to keep going.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

Being nice if you have underdeveloped social skills is the problem.

Like I said, you have to be a certain type of person to win friends and influence people easily.

What sort of friends are you looking for? Are you seeking to network to help further your education/career and lead a more social lifestyle or are you searching for long-lasting, meaningful relationships? You don't need to be particularly charismatic to form the long-lasting frienships.

 

[Ryguy2598]

True, just because you're nice doesn't mean you're going to make a connection w/ people, and that's what people want. But w/ social anxiety, and all of its symptoms, it's very hard to make these connections. On the other hand, people w/out SA, who have the ability to have a good time around others and be relaxed and comfortable, can make these connections much more easily. This is because feelings can transfer. If you're uncomfortable, nervous, and anxious around people then they will feel that when they're around you. Thus, they won't want to be around you. So, in conclusion, the key is to tap into these positive feelings that attract people to you....that make them want to be around you....I know this is common sense, and that tapping into these feelings doesn't seem to be so easy, but this is the way it is.

 

[schist]

but just from what you said here, it's impossible to know whether the other people are jerks, or if you're coming across as weird or pushy or something and you don't realize it

Hmmm ... Is listening to people talking and trying to find an opening to join in their conversation "weird" or "pushy"? Well how else are you supposed to try and connect with people?

Or am I supposed to receive a written invitation?

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Hmmm ... Is listening to people talking and trying to find an opening to join in their conversation "weird" or "pushy"?

It can be. It depends on all sorts of things. Maybe the way you try to find an opening isn't working. Maybe the people aren't really compatible. Maybe what you're doing now might have worked, but you made a bad first impression. Maybe what you're doing is working, but you aren't being patient. Who knows, really.

 

[coyote]

Hmmm ... Is listening to people talking and trying to find an opening to join in their conversation "weird" or "pushy"? Well how else are you supposed to try and connect with people?

Or am I supposed to receive a written invitation?

on the face of it, it sounds like you're doing all the right things - but there maybe something in HOW you're doing those things that people aren't responding to


if i made a statement like, "I just bought a nice car, why doesn't anyone like it?"....

i could be referring to this:

or it could be this:

 

[Richey]

In my experience if you're talkative and nice it doesn't make that much difference to when you are quiet, why? because most people are so washed up in their own world in a tunnel vision sort of sense, in fact most of the time i find myself being really nice while others seem to just want to speak their opinions and then once they have finished they completely block out any response, i also notice that in terms of the pecking order, the most arrogant tend to be the ones where banter is directed towards, i find that when I speak its not targeted towards anyone but when other people talk loudly it's directed at someone they either respect or whoevern they know or are closer to, you can tell because often they make eye contact with that person in a group situation.,

My cousin usually looks at her boyfriend when she says things, because often couples are so engrossed with each other, you could be in the background and you could say something really funny and relevant and it wouldn't matter because it has to come from the boyfreind to matter to her. This concept seems to lie as true with many people.

so you can be super nice and can have the most empathy in a group of 6 people and still you feel invisible, because often people just arent that self conscious to care about you because they are so focussed on themselves.

I just find that maybe i am too nice and empathetic where I try to share responses and banter with everyone, i also find myself defending people and situations, you know how if a person has a complaint they want to tell you about, i can see both points of view but that person only wants to hear that you agree with them.

What i have learnt is that often being quiet and really chatty can often have the same outcome in that you can still feel and are invisible, simply because most people are too washed up in their own world.

 

[WantToHide]

True, just because you're nice doesn't mean you're going to make a connection w/ people.

That's just it. They might not hate you or want to be horrible to you, they just might not have a connection with you, so they'd feel uncomfortable with you around. If you don't have a connection with someone, being nice wont change that. Maybe if they've already told you they basically don't like you and you keep coming back for more, they might just see you as a doormat.
You said that it's every time you talk to 'certain' people, they ignore you. So don't talk to them. Why don't you talk to the person in the corner who has no one to talk to. You never know, it might be one of us sitting in the corner wishing someone would come up and be friendly to them!

Hmmm ... Is listening to people talking and trying to find an opening to join in their conversation "weird" or "pushy"? Well how else are you supposed to try and connect with people?

It could be. If they're giving you signs that they're having a private conversation and you're ignoring their body language and their subtle hints that they don't want you around, that would come across as pushy and a bit rude. I think it would be nicer to start a conversation with someone who isn't already talking, rather than join in a conversation that maybe you weren't invited in. Everyone has the right to decide who they converse with, and if they don't want to around, you should respect that.

You're lucky to have the social skills to be able to start and join in with conversations. Use that talent to chat with someone who would be more appreciative of your friendship

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

People with social problems frequently think they're being nice when they really aren't. See also 'nice guy syndrome'.

 

[Richey]

People with social problems frequently think they're being nice when they really aren't. See also 'nice guy syndrome'.

I disagree with this, i think it depends, i can tell when i'm making an effort to be nice, this involves the feeling of empathy, interest almost as if you are conducting an interview but in a more casual sense. Its a feeling of being relaxed and also it's responding to people who make statements in group situations, you'll notice that people tend to blow their trumpet a bit in groups! often peple will just make comments not expecting a response but to show off a bit, sometimes you can tell when people are looking for a response, so if you can find something to respond with then that is a form of being nice.

I think if you start pigion holing "nice guy syndrome" tags and judging everything then you'd never attempt anything at all ...don't underestimate yourself for trying.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I disagree with this, i think it depends, i can tell when i'm making an effort to be nice, this involves the feeling of empathy, interest almost as if you are conducting an interview but in a more casual sense. Its a feeling of being relaxed and also it's responding to people who make statements in group situations, you'll notice that people tend to blow their trumpet a bit in groups! often peple will just make comments not expecting a response but to show off a bit, sometimes you can tell when people are looking for a response, so if you can find something to respond with then that is a form of being nice.

I said frequently, not always. I also have no idea if it's something you personally do. I have seen it a lot on this board though.

I think if you start pigion holing "nice guy syndrome" tags and judging everything then you'd never attempt anything at all ...don't underestimate yourself for trying.

How am I judging everything now? Could you qualify this conclusion for me? I get the impression you think I'm attacking you personally.

 

[mikebird]

I imagine that physical violence can come up trumps, with positive results