Avoidance makes me an ice princess

[Siren]

So my latest example of shameful avoidance happened about 5 minutes ago (I'm in school right now). I got out of class early and I was walking nearly deserted halls when I saw 2 boys hanging out in the hall. I was doing my usual of just acting like they don't exist (and I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend. Ha!) and I could see they were looking at me, so I was trying to walk faster. As I got closer, one of them said, "Hey." and I completely ignored him, I'm fairly certain I actually literally put my nose in the air a little bit. It was horrible. And as I kept walking past them, one boy said to the other, "That was cold; she didn't even nod at us."

I felt awful, I don't want to be this way. Immediately I think everyone's making fun of me or is going to harass me, which I don't even think these boys were trying to do, I just put on the defense right away, I don't trust people, and my "defense" is avoidance and unacknowledgement.

So many people think I'm "cold" and "aloof" but I can't seem to stop myself.

 

[princess_haru]

Immediately I think everyone's making fun of me or is going to harass me

I'm paranoid too. If someone pays me a compliment I immediately screen it for sarcasm, and even when I'm fairly sure it was said sincerely, there's still that little part of me that wonders whether I'm being laughed at. Sometimes this makes me pretty ungracious about accepting nice comments... then I feel awkward and wonder whether people think I'm a snooty bitch who takes compliments for granted

 

[de]

ive been there my freind on more then a few occasions

when im walking past some people even if i know them i will be nervous as hell but i try to display body language that would suggest that im confident(ive been told i look quite intimidating when i do this by my bro) and im so focused and anxious to pass them that i cant reply if they say something to me which makes me look stuck up i then spend the rest of the day thinking of what i should have said or done

 

[scorpion]

I was EXACTLY like that, so I understand it perfectly.
We want to say something, do something, but at the same time we want to run as fast has we can, but I have been trying very hard to change things lately.
One strategy that has been working whit me is to think " this is not me this is APD talking", then I try my best to stay put, try to smile and say something nice, the first couple of times it doesnt work, but wen it started to work more often I felt more relaxed and comfortable in similar situations.
Right now I almost dont have to think that, things started to happen in a more natural way whit less anxiety, less avoidance, and I Am enjoing it very much.

Maybe my experience can help you a little bit.
Just notice this change didnt started to happen day to night, it took effort and persistence and a very good knowlege of my problem(APD).
This are my weapons, maybe you can borrow them

 

[dottie]

sounds familliar. if people say hi to me now i will say hi but if this happened in high school i probably would've done the same thing. i got teased a lot so if someone even approached me i would expect them to be doing it to mock me.

do you feel like your parents harrassed you or criticized you a lot growing up? my mom criticized me excessively (everything i did was wrong), made fun of me, and was never affectionate or nurturing. i think that is why i was conditioned to be so paranoid/insanely defensive. i feel like i am in constant fight or flight mode because i expect human interaction to be an attack or criticism.

 

[Argamemnon]

my mom criticized me excessively (everything i did was wrong), made fun of me, and was never affectionate or nurturing. i think that is why i was conditioned to be so paranoid/insanely defensive. i feel like i am in constant fight or flight mode because i expect human interaction to be an attack or criticism.

My parents were loving and caring, and yet I too feel like I am in constant fight or flight mode, and expect human interaction to be an attack/criticism.

 

[toothpastekisses]

..................

 

[recluse]

I think that i come across as snotty but it couldn't be any further than the truth, i know that i am not snotty but i am afraid in case people think i am. I can't look girls in the eye if they smile at me for example a cashier in a shop. There's just something when girls in particular smile at me o'r say hello in a friendly way, i just sort of mumble something back and my eyes drop down.

 

[HIkid]

Been there. Still there. Even when comming across someone I know, I try my best to avoid them. I tend to look away like i dont even see them. I hate that I do that, but i get uncomfortable and nervous, if i should say sup, slap/shake there hand, would they notice me, or end up shafting me. i just get scared and over analyze the situation. Then it seems like im ignoring the person and that just makes them more distant from me.

 

[Zarrix]

I can relate to this totally. If I see someone I know up the street, especially someone I rarely talk to, I turn a blind eye. Then I listen for any negative comments. Although, I don't think I am as bad as I used to be. Remember I even avoided my friends for a time, at least I will speak to them now.

 

[shield]

That's ok what u did. U don't need to be polite all the time. Gradually u will get better at not avoiding.

 

[coriander1992]

I used to (and still sometimes do!) do this all the time, so I Know how disheartening it is!

What I did is just try to smile or atleast look at people when they talk to me. It can take a lot to pych yourself up to do it, and will probably make you feel arkward the first couple of times, but once you get the hang of it it'll make you feel much more confident.

Just take things one step at a time and you'll get there

 

[TAMPA-BAY]

COLD

I can relate to what every one said. Worrying about critism. I even do that when I think it might be a complement.

So what I am wondering is what is realy causing us to do this since from what everyone said they sometimes realy want to be friendly. Is it a perception problem we need to learn how to fix?

 

[princess_haru]

Re: COLD

So what I am wondering is what is realy causing us to do this since from what everyone said they sometimes realy want to be friendly. Is it a perception problem we need to learn how to fix?

I think it's just that we're nervous of other people so we send out self-defensive vibes that get misinterpreted as snooty/unfriendly vibes. I'm always catching myself using body language that says "get the hell away from me!" when really I'm thinking "gotta get away before I make a fool of myself"

It's hard though, when I'm really nervous, to remember to relax my voice, face and body AND try to think of something interesting to say, all at the same time! It's multi-tasking from hell, lol.