Are you a people pleaser?

[Miserum]

I am.

Urban Dictionary: People Pleaser

A People Pleaser is a person who has a strong desire / self-imposed obligation to be helpful to others. People Pleasers are terrified of losing the people they care about, so they go out of their way to be nice and helpful to those they have a high opinion of, often at their own expense. People...

www.urbandictionary.com

A People Pleaser is a person who believes that they are less then most others on the planet and have the need to hide these beliefs from all whom they come in contact with. They feel so low that they typically behave like a doormat and frequently put themselves in situations where they are treated as such. A people please will do almost anything to keep others in the dark about what is going on within. Dishonesty, deception and lies are the primary tools used by a People Pleaser. Within the context of an intimate relationship, a People Pleaser will frequently paint illusions that depict what they believe their partner wants to see all the while never disclosing who and what they really are. People Pleaser's also have the tendency to frustrate their partner to no end with this insidious behavior. A People Pleaser's goal is always the same which is to keep anyone from knowing just how crappy they feel about themselves and they will strive for this goal at any cost. A person afflicted with this "disease to please" will typically tell more lies over the course of a lifetime than those with other mental illnesses. People Pleaser's can come in the form of men but are typically women as they are more emotionally based.
When a People Pleaser dies, the see the life of someone else flash before their eyes.
by dHagar May 22, 2013

How I Learned to Stop Being a People-Pleaser

For most of my life, I used people-pleasing in the same way other people use drugs, alcohol, food, or shopping—as a way to avoid the discomfort of others' disapproval.

www.psychologytoday.com

 

[Phoenixx]

Hm, it's hard to say for me. I mean, in one aspect I am. Especially in a work setting. I'm not an ass kisser by any means, but I like to do my job well and contribute to a nice work environment in order to make sure everyone's happy and no problems occur. I don't do it for promotional benefit or selfish reasons, but rather to keep things running smoothly and keep the peace. If doing things a certain way pertaining to the job that I'm told to do makes everyone happy, then so be it I'll do it.

Now outside of work, I don't care. If I don't do something and that bothers someone else, then that's that person's problem.

 

[Jungle]

Having thought of myself as a people pleaser I share certain aspects with what is described on Urban Dictionary such as feeling inferior to others or attending to one's needs before my own.

I think the former one stems from my values — striving to live humbly. While loathing those trying to bring people down out of pride, seeing myself as inferior might be my subconscious way of being the opposite of what I am trying to avoid.

The latter one is compelled by my will to return the good things life would have offered me, a certain level of privilege I feel in some areas, and the expectation of others returning the favour and making my life easier later on. If I really care about someone I would just do out of care/love, no need for any other reason.

I don't relate to lying and all of the personality-concealing business — hardly any deep relationship could result from it, what makes one authentic is knowing how vulnerable and imperfect one's partner might be, sharing insecurities and knowing the other one on a deeper level.

It might be hard for some people to draw a line between being nice and being a chump – especially because of social customs – to the point of acting detrimentally to oneself. Let's say some supposedly handicapped beggar walks up to you asking for money. What would you do? Knowingly support their shady business but look good for helping someone supposedly in dire need because that's what you think society expects from you. Same for some suspiciously-looking person on the street asking you to lend him your phone because he supposedly needs to reach someone urgently...one would feel like a jerk for not humouring him. They know it and that's what they're relying on to make you feel guilty.

 

[Miserum]

Having thought of myself as a people pleaser I share certain aspects with what is described on Urban Dictionary such as feeling inferior to others or attending to one's needs before my own.

I think the former one stems from my values — striving to live humbly. While loathing those trying to bring people down out of pride, seeing myself as inferior might be my subconscious way of being the opposite of what I am trying to avoid.

The latter one is compelled by my will to return the good things life would have offered me, a certain level of privilege I feel in some areas, and the expectation of others returning the favour and making my life easier later on. If I really care about someone I would just do out of care/love, no need for any other reason.

I don't relate to lying and all of the personality-concealing business — hardly any deep relationship could result from it, what makes one authentic is knowing how vulnerable and imperfect one's partner might be, sharing insecurities and knowing the other one on a deeper level.

It might be hard for some people to draw a line between being nice and being a chump – especially because of social customs – to the point of acting detrimentally to oneself. Let's say some supposedly handicapped beggar walks up to you asking for money. What would you do? Knowingly support their shady business but look good for helping someone supposedly in dire need because that's what you think society expects from you. Same for some suspiciously-looking person on the street asking you to lend him your phone because he supposedly needs to reach someone urgently...one would feel like a jerk for not humouring him. They know it and that's what they're relying on to make you feel guilty.

I strongly agree with much of what you just said.

To one of your points, I can definitely relate to "lying" as I conceal my hurt and general negativity in front of people. When I don't I'm perceived as a weird jerk. I think you're absolutely right though. No depth can be established in a relationship if you're not willing to be vulnerable. I'm always scared of losing a person if they know I'm vulnerable, or equally bad, them using that vulnerability against me sometime down the line.

 

[Phoenixx]

Now outside of work, I don't care. If I don't do something and that bothers someone else, then that's that person's problem.

Felt like I should elaborate because I feel like I came across like a dick. My apologies.

Growing up, things weren't always asked of me rather demanded. "I need [this thing] done." or "I need you to do [this thing]." So that's where a lot of my own refusal to please people comes from. Because I hate being demanded to do things. Now if I was asked, "Hey can you do me a favor?" I'd be more than willing to help. I like to be a help, I don't like to be a servant.

 

[theoutsider]

I used to go out of my way to make people feel comfortable. It put me in some bad situations where people thought it was okay to take advantage since I was being so accommodating. I realized I could no longer do that and if they didn't feel comfortable, well so be it. I was paying too high of a price for something that wasn't benefiting me.

 

[Miserum]

Felt like I should elaborate because I feel like I came across like a dick. My apologies.

Growing up, things weren't always asked of me rather demanded. "I need [this thing] done." or "I need you to do [this thing]." So that's where a lot of my own refusal to please people comes from. Because I hate being demanded to do things. Now if I was asked, "Hey can you do me a favor?" I'd be more than willing to help. I like to be a help, I don't like to be a servant.

Didn't come across like a dick at all, but thank you for the extra clarification.

Yeah, being told to do something when I have a say in the matter can make me indignant as well.

 

[Phoenixx]

Didn't come across like a dick at all, but thank you for the extra clarification.

Yeah, being told to do something when I have a say in the matter can make me indignant as well.

Haha good. I feel I've been pretty edgy after the kind of week I've had. I try to watch my being blunt and how I say things. Something I've always struggled with, but even moreso when my mood hasn't been great.

 

[PugofCrydee]

I'm not sure if I fit into the 'people pleaser' category? Maybe I do to some degree.
I'll never lick someones ass just to get along (I'm not saying anyone here does, just referencing my outlook/experiences) but I do like to get along.
Especially in the workplace where I have to work with people I may not like.
Nothing makes for a more toxic work environment than when people who don't like each other are forced to spend time together.

 

[Miserum]

I'll never lick someones ass

 

[Phoenixx]

Nothing makes for a more toxic work environment than when people who don't like each other are forced to spend time together.

This. I always try to get along with everyone, but then there is the rare dominant person who makes me extremely uncomfortable to the core. The type that is super controlling and can never to be questioned. If they tell you to do something they expect you to do it. They are perfect in every way and have no problem pointing out every mistake you make. I hate those people in the workplace. I've worked with a few of them, only to eventually not work with them at all because the tension is unbearable. My personality and work ethic usually really pisses off these types of people because I'm quiet and do my job the way I know is right and how I was taught, without saying much of anything. I try not to get too rattled or show it despite feeling that way on the inside.

 

[PugofCrydee]

but then there is the rare dominant person who makes me extremely uncomfortable to the core. The type that is super controlling and can never to be questioned. If they tell you to do something they expect you to do it. They are perfect in every way and have no problem pointing out every mistake you make.

Lesson one in how to spot a sociopath/psychopath in the workplace. See comment above.

 

[Miserum]

If I feel like someone doesn't like me, I get almost obsequious with them. I guess I try to get on their good side. Why? It's not even necessary. And it never works. Maybe I'm afraid of an outright confrontation blowing up in my face which would lead to bad events unfolding, which is why I don't want to show that "Hey, I too dislike you."

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Yes, at heart.

 

[Miserum]

Yes, at heart.

Do you think that maybe you can ever change?

 

[Hoth]

I'm more of a people displeaser, which is one of the reasons I try to avoid people. If I'm speaking at all, I'm probably going to be saying what I actually think. People-pleasing sounds like a great, amazingly useful skill to have -- as long as you can turn it on and off as needed.

 

[LoyalXenite]

I havent answered this because Im torn on it, I am a people pleaser in many ways as a form of survival (as a result of childhood traumas and SA in general), but Im also somewhat antagonistic at times and wont people please just because its expected (i.e in uni to get better grades you often have to 'play the game' of making your work to the teachers taste regardless of if its what you want and I dont like that so I refuse to do it if I dont absolutely have to).

I people please to stay safe when I have to, or when its someone I genuinely want to like me or in those types of situations. But I wont do something that goes against my code just to people please, and I wont stay silent to people please either - unless SA is in play but then that generally means im silent in every aspect anyway so less a people pleasing and more an anxiety issue

 

[Miserum]

I am a people pleaser in many ways as a form of survival (as a result of childhood traumas

My dad was kind of abusive growing up. Frequent verbals put downs and "light" beatings from time to time. I wonder if this is where my people pleasing started. I always felt I wasn't good enough for him growing up.

 

[PugofCrydee]

My dad was kind of abusive growing up. Frequent verbals put downs and "light" beatings from time to time. I wonder if this is where my people pleasing started. I always felt I wasn't good enough for him growing up.

I'm really sorry to hear that mate
Verbal put downs/ verbal abuse can be just as damaging psychologically as physical or sexual abuse.

 

[Miserum]

I'm really sorry to hear that mate
Verbal put downs/ verbal abuse can be just as damaging psychologically as physical or sexual abuse.

Thanks man. I attribute quite a bit of my insecurity regarding my intelligence to him.