Anyone feel opening up about problems doesn't help?

[Stressball]

Maybe I'm just having terrible luck or its my personality, but almost every time I reveal something a bit more personal about myself to friends or family, particularly over depression or social anxiety, it doesn't end so well. There's this general reaction of bewilderment or some half-hearted generic reply about "sorry you're feeling that way" as if they are scared of saying something honest and real. The worst outcome is that friend or family member withdrawing from me and acting differently, as if I am an alien creature to be avoided. This has happened several times now and has left me wanting to simply never open up ever again. I feel they look down upon me.

Maybe its expectation? I feel disappointment when I don't feel any relief or reassurance from their words. I just feel the same confusion and general demoralization with social anxiety and depression. I am constantly told not to withdraw and to open up to people, but having tried to do this for years....it just doesn't seem to do anything and instead has punished me in some way relationship wise. Anyone feel the same way?

 

[BlueDays]

I agree with what SteinerOfThule said, some people have no idea how to talk to someone who has mental illness.
There is such a stigma still attached to it and therefore it is rarely discussed, sadly still being considered a taboo subject amongst the general population.
Awareness has improved in some ways, but there is a long way to go in terms of educating society about the specifics of mental illness.:sad:

I have never has the confidence to tell anyone except my mother about it. That was very brave of you to tell people.

 

[Argentum]

It's usually disappointing. I think most people just don't know what to say in situations like that.

Yep. I've had people openly admit they really don't know how to handle emotional talks. For a social species, we're surprisingly inept.

 

[Graeme1988]

Opening up certainly hasn't help me. Ah learnt the hard way, when ah telt ma oldest sister ah wuz feelin' suicidal, and she telt ma mum - who completely flip out and yelled at me. If anythin' opening aboot problems has left me feelin' more isolated than before.

People tend tae treat ye differently efter ye tell them yer strugglin' wi' depression or whatever problem you might be dealing with. Ye feel, or at least I do, more awkward and self-conscious in the presence of others. Becoming overly concerned or worried aboot that persons well-being doesnae exactly help. Ah mean, it's nice an' that, but do I really need to be asked if I'm okay all the time? And then following up that question with "Are you sure?" Only makes me start to second guess maself more and more.

Be very careful who ye open up to aboot yer problems, some can handle it correctly, some can't and others jist want a reason to gossip. Except if yer in therapy...

 

[Luckylife]

I gave up on 'explaining' social anxiety years ago because it doesn't help and they can't or won't adapt to comfort you. The one thing they have to realize is that SA types have every right to mingle or remain isolated when they wish. I just carry on doing what I do even when I notice there is a difference, and if its picked up I'm like "Well yeah, that's how it is with me". I've never told any family about it, I don't think I need to as it can be obvious. Like I said, people have set ways of doing things and they won't change this however much you verbally persuade them - ask yourself this - whenever you have done this has it changed anything?
I might talk about the weather, clothes or a new car when I socialize... How I feel? I don't think so, I arrived feeling just right and I don't expect other people to affect that. If someone wants in on this, OK but if not I will keep rolling.

 

[PugofCrydee]

I think;
1) a lot of people dont know how to react and feel uncomfortable
2) a lot of people dont want to have to bother with someone else's personal problems
3) most people are caught up in their own worlds and have their own issues to deal with.

Don't take it personally, but its best to talk to people who can actually help you. Trained and qualified professionals are your best bet.

 

[theslowesthand]

I recently lost a 20+ year friend, due to talking about my depression & suicidal thoughts. He said he'll always "be there" for me, but thats just empty words, as in practise he doesn't answer my emails or phone calls anymore. He likely wishes he could help me with my problems, but the fact is he can't, and also he's never done the emotional-life-talk thing (way out of his comfort zone). Oh well, my bad.

 

[Luka]

Yup, telling people I have anxiety usually scares them off a bit. They probably think I'm too mentally unstable to function or something (which is not true).

The first person I ever told was my (used to be) best friend who didn't really understand what I was feeling which is understandable.

 

[jimmy75]

Even though I've got a lot of mental problems myself, I used to be awkward hearing other people's problems and talking to them about their problems. That changed when I spent a bit of time in a psychiatric hospital for suicidal thoughts and I gained a new perspective on mental illness and learnt about a lot of peoples' problems.

 

[MikeyC]

Maybe I'm just having terrible luck or its my personality, but almost every time I reveal something a bit more personal about myself to friends or family, particularly over depression or social anxiety, it doesn't end so well. There's this general reaction of bewilderment or some half-hearted generic reply about "sorry you're feeling that way" as if they are scared of saying something honest and real. The worst outcome is that friend or family member withdrawing from me and acting differently, as if I am an alien creature to be avoided. This has happened several times now and has left me wanting to simply never open up ever again. I feel they look down upon me.

You have to carefully choose the people you decide to open up to, because it depends on their personality and how they decide to react to that information. Revealing these things to a person you know is a compassionate person and a good listener is probably the best type to start with.

People's reactions like "sorry you're feeling this way" possibly means they're uncomfortable and don't know how to respond.

Awareness has improved in some ways, but there is a long way to go in terms of educating society about the specifics of mental illness.:sad:

Stigma is likely to remain attached to mental illness like a barnacle for some time, since mental illnesses aren't as graphic as physical ones. You can't put a bandage on depression. However, awareness has improved recently, and it's slowly coming together, but I think it's going to take some time yet.

3) most people are caught up in their own worlds and have their own issues to deal with.

This is also true. In the current "me" society, people have no time and/or no interest in others' problems. It can make it hard to reveal issues to people if they're not going to be at all concerned about you. That's why you must choose your recipient carefully.

In the past, I have opened up more, and I have felt better about it. It's a good weight off your mind if you do it and it's proper. I do recommend it.

 

[Kiwong]

I got a mixed reaction, some people were helpful, some people didn't believe me, some people called me weird a head job.

 

[fate12321]

Well I'd rather keep my internal problems to myself. I don't know what others might think about my troubles.

 

[Hellhound]

They simply don't know what to say. They most likely care, but it doesn't mean they are super pro in the moment of talking about this stuff. It's not always easy to help someone with something like this.

As for the ones that withdrew themselves from you, ignore them back. You certainly don't need them in your life.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Had to reply even though this is a tiny bit old. Because this is a huge re-occuring theme in depression, bottling things in. I think it is what develops an addiction to depression.

At the same time, I feel the same way. There is some strange expectation when you release your deeper feelings onto other people... and it is almost never met. But most of me thinks that a large majority of people do NOT understand the sensitivity of life, and the large majority of people you have the chance of opening up to are not willing to open up themselves. It's this huge cycle which leaves everyone disappointed, and in the end the people you open up to are closed off themselves, leaving them bewildered on how to respond. Basically they are emotionally closed off and detached themselves. Its rare to find people who have the nurturing, open minded, outreaching care that you need. And i'm aware that right now i'm blaming people other than myself, and that may be seen as unhealthy, but I wholeheartedly believe that the prevalence of depression is caused by the closed hearted, un-trusting nature of the people in their so-called community. This is why I try to be an open book and the most understanding I can be to every stranger I meet, I want to change the emotional-closed-off-ness of the population. That's not enough to help me or you right now, though.

So I believe that releasing things to somebody who is genuinely open, vulnerable, and outreaching is of huge help. It's a matter of not only finding people who are not emotionally shut down themselves, but recognizing who can be trusted with your emotions and who might not know how to deal with it. To release something personal that has been with you for ages is naturally going to have huge expectations, it took a lot of effort to keep it in! Naturally you're going to expect the exertion to lesson when you let it out... I find people who understand the importance of nurturance and giving to be rare, but I know they are out there. Sometimes they DO happen to be therapists, because the people that are motivated to be therapists and be there for others are those who understand the enormous importance of nurturing emotional care. The most genuine attention i've received towards my problems, without people having a "what if i'm not answering correctly, okay i'll stick to the safe response!" attitude, has been from therapists. ;/ <- that face is for me sounding generic, and unanimously realizing that therapists are there for this very deficiency in society... If you can find a good, genuine therapist, it may be of huge help to you. There are even a few online databases if you'd like to choose your own therapist based on their specialities and self-description.

 

[EscapeArtist]

A lot of the human population is emotional unintelligent ;/ unfortunately. Either that, or they are terrified of emotions because they haven't dealt with their own feelings. Feelings take a lot of bravery, and a lot of people don't face them, and will be afraid when you bring them up as well. In some cases a therapist can be of help, only because they are trained in dealing with this kind of talk and it's more likely that emotionally intelligent people enter into the practice. I've found a lot of warm hearted, intelligent individuals with a great listening ability through therapy.

It's not just therapists that listen though... there are rare individuals who understand and try with their whole hearts to listen, comfort, and help. Those are true friends and misanthropic me finds them to be like gems. i've personally only found one who has seen the very worst of me and still tried to help. but they are out there, not all people are like what you describe. It takes a certain vibing-people-out, to see the ones that are soul searching and looking for something more meaningful. Luckily, I think if you have a similar energy, if you put yourself out there even just once a month, other authentic/soul-searching souls will gravitate to you as well. Sensitivity and heart attracts the-like.

it's a shame that a lot of people's family are emotionally stiff. We assume family will understand, but a lot of family members are stunted in listening and more prone to be forceful, demeaning, or the all knowing "advice givers" that think they can just tell you what you should be doing.