another freaking problem

[lonelee1]

okay, so i started dating someone and he pointed out that i don't listen well. that's a problem because i'd eventually like to become a therapist. that's the plan..i think.

anyway, he's right. another complicated issue to recognize and try to change. part of the larger picture.

there are reasons why i don't listen. one- i'm scanning other people's words for criticisms.
2- i'm already anticipating not knowing what to say next
3-i feel incredibly self-centered and 'know' its all about me
4-i find it hard to really listen when my mind is racing a mile a minute looking for danger.
5- i feel dumb, i'm worried about how my voice will sound, etc.

i could be an avoidant personality.
i do better through text, i can generate responses. i don't know what to do. he's been nice to me, and i feel like a horrible selfish person. i call it social anxiety and he calls it 'mean'.

how do i become a better listener?

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Tell him what you just told us. And if you have, maybe he needs to work on his listening skills. I think a lot of it stems from you worried about being judged. You need to feel more secure. He can help more with that.
In the meantime, try opening yourself up more. Focus on what they're saying and less on yourself. This may take time. You may even go through a few guys before you're more comfortable. Don't give up.

 

[jc972]

Tell him what you just told us. And if you have, maybe he needs to work on his listening skills. I think a lot of it stems from you worried about being judged. You need to feel more secure. He can help more with that.
In the meantime, try opening yourself up more. Focus on what they're saying and less on yourself. This may take time. You may even go through a few guys before you're more comfortable. Don't give up.

Took the words right out of my mouth. I concuor.

 

[GrungeGuy07]

sounds to me like there is a miscommunication, wether verbal or through body language. you also sound a bit neurotic (which isn't a bad thing in my opinion.) most guys precatogorize girls by how they look and dress, so your personality might contradict with his preconceptions, hence his "mean" conspectus. you sound pretty keen on your own issues. good luck becoming a shrink!

 

[MikeyC]

i do better through text, i can generate responses.

I think a lot of people are, even those without social anxiety. You can reply at your leisure rather than try to come up with a response immediately.

Your boyfriend might find it "mean" because what he sees is you not listening to him, but he doesn't know why you're not listening. Put yourself in his shoes: he doesn't know about your issues (I assume), so it's hard for him to relate. Tell him about what goes on in your mind (or what you're willing to share), and he might understand.

Tell him what you just told us. And if you have, maybe he needs to work on his listening skills. I think a lot of it stems from you worried about being judged. You need to feel more secure. He can help more with that.
In the meantime, try opening yourself up more. Focus on what they're saying and less on yourself. This may take time. You may even go through a few guys before you're more comfortable. Don't give up.

I completely agree with this. :thumbup:

 

[Richey]

okay, so i started dating someone and he pointed out that i don't listen well. that's a problem because i'd eventually like to become a therapist. that's the plan..i think.

anyway, he's right. another complicated issue to recognize and try to change. part of the larger picture.

there are reasons why i don't listen. one- i'm scanning other people's words for criticisms.
2- i'm already anticipating not knowing what to say next
3-i feel incredibly self-centered and 'know' its all about me
4-i find it hard to really listen when my mind is racing a mile a minute looking for danger.
5- i feel dumb, i'm worried about how my voice will sound, etc.

i could be an avoidant personality.
i do better through text, i can generate responses. i don't know what to do. he's been nice to me, and i feel like a horrible selfish person. i call it social anxiety and he calls it 'mean'.

how do i become a better listener?

you could try after an hour or so after interacting, writing down any concerns, hilights of the conversation, keep it really simple. He may bring up 2-3-4 standouts that you need to remember or that you could get back to him about after some forthought. Not all the time, but maybe when you feel comfortable, so you can remember things better or you may have some solutions, advice.

it's easy to miss meaning or words especially if you are thinking of things to say at the same time as the other person. that is normal and good 2-way communication only comes with practice.

i guess just try slowing things down as well, try asking questions instead of spending too much time on talking about yourself and your interests, find out your dates interests and link that interest with something you might know about, so then the conversation keeps you stimulated and he can be excited about it too. Also you can just see it as learning more about the other person, even if the topic is not something you want to talk about, you can see the subject as something new to learn off the other person.

 

[Xervello]

Put yourself in the other person's shoes, imagining yourself as them. As pure experimentation, next conversation you have make it ALL about them. Let them say what they need to say. Even if it's boring, try to follow along and figure out why it's interesting to them. Ask them follow-up questions if they stop, or when appropriate new questions. It'll be good practice for therapist training. And who knows, people might react positively to your new approach.

 

[onecellinthesea]

Put yourself in the other person's shoes, imagining yourself as them. As pure experimentation, next conversation you have make it ALL about them. Let them say what they need to say. Even if it's boring, try to follow along and figure out why it's interesting to them. Ask them follow-up questions if they stop, or when appropriate new questions. It'll be good practice for therapist training. And who knows, people might react positively to your new approach.

I like this advice, I'll be trying this out :thumbup:

 

[Hellhound]

Explain him your situation. He might understand you.

 

[coyote]

...how do i become a better listener?

when you text or write someone back and forth, there is time for reflection

but verbal conversations require interaction, not thinking

try be present in the moment - out there where it's happening, not in your head

try to respond to what you hear them say rather than what you think you should say

in order to do that, you'll need to listen to them

as you do this, you'll find it becomes easier

and your anxiety will lessen

 

[Xervello]

I like this advice, I'll be trying this out :thumbup:

Let me know how it goes for you.