Am I a bad person?

[Odo]

But many of the people whom I have offended are highly educated. I'm skeptical that I make them feel inferior.

Alright then, I have no idea. It's pretty much impossible to say anything about it since I wasn't there and we're only getting your side of it.

Next time you offend someone, maybe you should ask them why they're saying that... you'll get a better answer than if you ask people who could never actually know what happened.

 

[Earthcircle]

I've gotten answers: I'm dirty, I'm a thief, I'm a liar, I exude arrogance. I don't really understand these things though.

 

[coyote]

you have learned the result of being how you are

perhaps it is time to try being a different way

 

[Earthcircle]

you have learned the result of being how you are

perhaps it is time to try being a different way

I thought that that is what therapy is for. I thought that therapy would make me be like other people, but this never happened.

 

[coyote]

I thought that that is what therapy is for. I thought that therapy would make me be like other people, but this never happened.

therapy doesn't make it happen

YOU make it happen

therapy just helps you figure stuff out

seems like you did that - now it's your turn

 

[Earthcircle]

therapy doesn't make it happen

YOU make it happen

therapy just helps you figure stuff out

seems like you did that - now it's your turn

I haven't figured anything out.

 

[planetweirdo]

I am 48 years old, and have almost no friends. Hardly anyone likes me. I have had over a decade of psychotherapy with no positive result. A few therapists even refused to work with me, because they find me offensive. This is a general pattern: many people find me offensive and exhibit explosive rage directed at me. But why? I have never understood why. I never see the rage coming, because, from my perspective, I don't do anything to make people angry. This raises a very serious question: Am I a bad person? If so, should I even be walking the Earth? I have never understood people, and am very frightened of them. The isolation is horrible, but the feeling that I am a bad person is also horrible perhaps even more so.

I don't believe that there are "bad people" or "good people". those are just labels. We are all just people, some times we do what's right other times we don't. sometimes we mess up or make mistakes. Sometime we do things out of anger that we may later regret. We are human. No one is perfect. I think it's important for us to always reminder that no one, not ourselves or the people that we interact with are perfect, and we should not expect ourselves or others to be perfect.
There are many reasons why someone may find something about you offensive but that don't mean you or they are bad. but maybe It would be helpful to try to identify exactly what it is about you that offend others? Do you say things that others may view as insensitive or hurtful? Sometimes we may say things that hurt or offend others without realizing it, but just because you didn't mean to hurt them doesn't negate the fact that you did hurt them. So rather then getting angry at people for being offended it's better to just apologize for offending them and let them know that it wasn't your intent.

 

[planetweirdo]

On the positive side, that might just mean you have a young spirit. I feel the same way, at 24. I know I'm not that 'old', but you get it.

Do you live in the bible belt? If they see your opinion as offensive, that's their problem... although, if I were in your shoes I'd feel the exact same way (I have to put a cap on my feelings about organized religion as well). So far, none of this equates being a bad person at all (IMO).

its okay to disagree with others but not be insensitive. you would not want people to go around saying things that you fined offensive or hurtful, then saying that if your offended or hurt by it that's your problem. We should try to avoid offending others.

(sorry if I come off as overly critical)

 

[Feathers]

Okay, I'd recommend The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David Burns - it's very effective in dealing with depression, teaching how to challenge negative or untrue thoughts and the like, also gives good info about labelling yourself - like said above, labels like 'bad person' aren't really helpful when someone is trying to change.

Also, I think some of your therapists were very unprofessional too, it's not helpful - and NOT TRUE - to tell someone nothing will ever help him: was that person a fortune teller too? How could she know? Maybe she was exasperated, or wanted to achieve the 'counterintention' of you realizing this is not true ?

Even if you are someone who other people see as exasperating, you can be a good person. Or 'somewhere inbetween', like most of us!!

 

[FountainandFairfax]

I think your nature is to push-back and resist people.

You're probably not aware of this habit, but even in this thread, nearly all of your responses tend to be a variation of "No, I've tried that..." or "People just don't understand me..." I have no doubt you believe that, but it makes you shut people down way too fast. This is a rejection that most people are naturally going to find offensive.

Even therapists find it frustrating to treat someone who consistently cuts their efforts off at the pass; add to this your reticent nature, and I'm sure it makes for a very frustrating session. You're not giving their advice any real consideration AND you're not offering anything in the way of a solution yourself.

It's a self-defeating habit that you desperately need to recognize.

I'm not saying that you're bad, but maybe you've had to be your own guardian for so long that you've forgotten how to tell a friend from foe. You're caught in a loop. You don't let anyone in and you don't accept any advice that doesn't instantly pass this overly-developed, but very flawed defense system; so you just sit in your bunker convinced that there's no use.

But if you ever want to have a real life of your own, you have to try something new, now.

Tell your next doctor that you tend to put people off, that you may have a problem accepting advice, and for them to please take this trend into consideration. In return, you'll keep an open mind, realize that therapy is a hit-and-miss process, and that you'll be vigilant against shutting down their efforts at help.

After all you've tried, what do you have to lose?

 

[jaim38]

I am 48 years old, and have almost no friends. Hardly anyone likes me. I have had over a decade of psychotherapy with no positive result. A few therapists even refused to work with me, because they find me offensive. This is a general pattern: many people find me offensive and exhibit explosive rage directed at me. But why? I have never understood why. I never see the rage coming, because, from my perspective, I don't do anything to make people angry. This raises a very serious question: Am I a bad person? If so, should I even be walking the Earth? I have never understood people, and am very frightened of them. The isolation is horrible, but the feeling that I am a bad person is also horrible perhaps even more so.

This was true for me in the past. I did not insult, verbally or physically attack people, but they somehow just didn't like me. I've had people scream at me, people that I barely know. Possible reasons are 1) being quiet and reserved, 2) associated with my brother, 3) body language?

I don't believe that there are "bad people" or "good people". those are just labels. We are all just people, some times we do what's right other times we don't. sometimes we mess up or make mistakes. Sometime we do things out of anger that we may later regret. We are human. No one is perfect. I think it's important for us to always reminder that no one, not ourselves or the people that we interact with are perfect, and we should not expect ourselves or others to be perfect.
There are many reasons why someone may find something about you offensive but that don't mean you or they are bad. but maybe It would be helpful to try to identify exactly what it is about you that offend others? Do you say things that others may view as insensitive or hurtful? Sometimes we may say things that hurt or offend others without realizing it, but just because you didn't mean to hurt them doesn't negate the fact that you did hurt them. So rather then getting angry at people for being offended it's better to just apologize for offending them and let them know that it wasn't your intent.

When I was younger, I had too much pride (I don't know if this is even the right word) to apologize especially if I don't see why I am at fault. This is especially true during my rebellious teenage years. I hate it when someone like a stranger cries because of something that I did(?) and then everyone expects me to apologize like it's my fault entirely. If I apologize, I'd be admitting fault for making this person cry (this person that I don't even know, never spoke to, btw). But as I grew older, I realize that people apologize all the time, even for things that may or may not be their fault. CEOs apologize for screwing people's finances but continue to waste corporate money at their employees' expense. Apologies are being thrown around so much they're not worth much these days.

But you do make a good point that we're not perfect. Over the years, I have come to realize that interpersonal interaction is very irrational. It's based so much on emotions, it's surprising that reason only plays a minor role. If you want to win people's support, you gotta win people's hearts, i.e. tug their heartstrings.

 

[Earthcircle]

I have very little social interaction, but when I do interact I often apologize excessively. I do it out of desperation, wondering if it might encourage people to treat me better. I don't think it helps at all. It almost seems to confirm in their minds that there's something wrong with me. After all, if I apologize I'm admitting fault. I tend to apologize anyway though. For one thing, I tend to assume that I am at fault. According to psychoanalyst, people who fail in analysis have severe character pathology. That sounds about right. I probably have that. So I probably am at fault.

 

[Earthcircle]

I think your nature is to push-back and resist people.

You're probably not aware of this habit, but even in this thread, nearly all of your responses tend to be a variation of "No, I've tried that..." or "People just don't understand me..." I have no doubt you believe that, but it makes you shut people down way too fast. This is a rejection that most people are naturally going to find offensive.

Even therapists find it frustrating to treat someone who consistently cuts their efforts off at the pass; add to this your reticent nature, and I'm sure it makes for a very frustrating session. You're not giving their advice any real consideration AND you're not offering anything in the way of a solution yourself.

It's a self-defeating habit that you desperately need to recognize.

I'm not saying that you're bad, but maybe you've had to be your own guardian for so long that you've forgotten how to tell a friend from foe. You're caught in a loop. You don't let anyone in and you don't accept any advice that doesn't instantly pass this overly-developed, but very flawed defense system; so you just sit in your bunker convinced that there's no use.

But if you ever want to have a real life of your own, you have to try something new, now.

Tell your next doctor that you tend to put people off, that you may have a problem accepting advice, and for them to please take this trend into consideration. In return, you'll keep an open mind, realize that therapy is a hit-and-miss process, and that you'll be vigilant against shutting down their efforts at help.

After all you've tried, what do you have to lose?

I would actually like a therapist who is so assertive that I would start calling him "Sir." (I hope that doesn't sound like a joke.) I don't mean abusive. If he were even slightly abusive, I would leave immediately. But very firm with me. And also male. A therapist once suggested that, being gay, I should have a female therapist. I think he was completely wrong. I actually need a therapist who is classically masculine, and simply does not permit me to resist. Once again, I hope this doesn't sound facetious. I think it would actually help.

 

[Draconess25]

I would actually like a therapist who is so assertive that I would start calling him "Sir." (I hope that doesn't sound like a joke.) I don't mean abusive. If he were even slightly abusive, I would leave immediately. But very firm with me. And also male. A therapist once suggested that, being gay, I should have a female therapist. I think he was completely wrong. I actually need a therapist who is classically masculine, and simply does not permit me to resist. Once again, I hope this doesn't sound facetious. I think it would actually help.

It doesn't sound facetious at all, just kinda....ehh. ._. Not something I would want. I don't much like the whole classically masculine thing. But if it'd work for you, go for it.

From what I can tell, you don't sound like a bad person at all. Like you, I come across as being offensive to others, even when I'm not trying to be. As far as I'm concerned, it's their problem. They need to stop taking things so personally. Your therapists need therapy.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

I would actually like a therapist who is so assertive that I would start calling him "Sir." (I hope that doesn't sound like a joke.) I don't mean abusive. If he were even slightly abusive, I would leave immediately. But very firm with me. And also male. A therapist once suggested that, being gay, I should have a female therapist. I think he was completely wrong. I actually need a therapist who is classically masculine, and simply does not permit me to resist. Once again, I hope this doesn't sound facetious. I think it would actually help.

I think you're onto something, 'Earth.

If I were you, I'd start over with a straight-shooting doctor with credentials you can seriously respect. That way, if you get the urge to question him, it'll be easier to bite your tongue.

Shop around and find the right fit, it might make all the difference in the world. You have everything to gain, man.

Pleeeeease give it a shot.

 

[Epistemic]

If you're disliked, you're probably doing something right. The key is not to give a damn what people think, unless it's absolutely necessary (e.g. you have to care about someone's perception of you because of a job interview, or some other obligatory social exchange that is in your immediate self-interest). The reason you shouldn't give a damn what most (if not all) people think of you is:

(1) You can't change it. You can't change what people think of you and so it's pointless to worry about it. You can modify your behavior to display a more appropriate self-image, but this is pointless-in-itself.

(2) Majority of people are typically highly conformist, and will oppose any original or creative idea vehemently. People hate those who don't conform to their preconceived notions of how others should act, or what others should think.

Thus, you should simply disregard what other people think of you, and not care in the slightest. It's pointless to care, and you're much better off not caring.

 

[jaim38]

^I agree! I want to please the people that I care about, not the ones that don't matter to me. I care about the happiness and well being of my friends, family, loved ones, etc. So, in a way, I am a "people pleaser" (a term that I don't like to use because it implies that I'm a doormat), but I only please the ones that are important to me.

 

[Earthcircle]

That way, if you get the urge to question him, it'll be easier to bite your tongue.

I wouldn't necessarily need to bite my tongue. I'm very submissive if one pushes just the right buttons. (I hope that doesn't sound sexual. It's not sexual, at least not consciously.) But, yet again, I'm in the process of moving to another country where they don't speak English. How feasible this will be, I'm not yet sure.

 

[Earthcircle]

If you're disliked, you're probably doing something right. The key is not to give a damn what people think, unless it's absolutely necessary (e.g. you have to care about someone's perception of you because of a job interview, or some other obligatory social exchange that is in your immediate self-interest). The reason you shouldn't give a damn what most (if not all) people think of you is:

(1) You can't change it. You can't change what people think of you and so it's pointless to worry about it. You can modify your behavior to display a more appropriate self-image, but this is pointless-in-itself.

(2) Majority of people are typically highly conformist, and will oppose any original or creative idea vehemently. People hate those who don't conform to their preconceived notions of how others should act, or what others should think.

Thus, you should simply disregard what other people think of you, and not care in the slightest. It's pointless to care, and you're much better off not caring.

I actually think it might be bullying. As I noted earlier, despite the appearance I may give of being resistant and putting up a fight, there is actually something very submissive about me. I think people pick up on this and try to take advantage of it. Not the most healthy people, of course.

 

[Earthcircle]

^I agree! I want to please the people that I care about, not the ones that don't matter to me. I care about the happiness and well being of my friends, family, loved ones, etc. So, in a way, I am a "people pleaser" (a term that I don't like to use because it implies that I'm a doormat), but I only please the ones that are important to me.

It's hard to acquire loved ones, at least for me it is. That's why, when I move to another country this time, I'm taking my cats. At least, I can take them with me.