Advice in dating the shy girl?

[WinHer]

So there's this girl. I knew she was shy when we first met, but the level of shyness only became clear over time. She used the term Social Phobia to describe herself, which is why I'm here seeking insight from all of you.

We've been dating... kind of... for four months now. She's more comfortable on the phone than in person, so things have been progressing more rapidly in that realm than in the physical world. We talk daily for hours, becoming quite connected intellectually and spiritually, but in person even the offer of an innocent hug had her cowering. She's brilliant, warm and kind... frankly I adore her... so I've been practising patience.

Recently things suddenly changed. We took a big leap forward in physical contact, charging over several hurdles at once. It was great, I think, for both of us and we basked in it for a couple days.

Now, though, I think she's trying to push me away. Our calls have become less frequent and cooler when they happen.

Should I follow her lead, give her some space? Or should I keep in pursuit, let her know she's still in my thoughts? If she feels things moved too fast, I'm OK with waiting until she's comfortable again. I just care a lot and don't want to lose her over something that I think we both enjoyed.

Any insight?

 

[JCS008]

I don't think you should follow her lead. I'm not too sure the extent of what this girl may haver experienced before, but she may feel vulnerable after whatever you two did. She may be looking for reassurance to make sure you wanted to be with her and not for the physical aspect. I think maybe you should show you do care about her and reassure her that you're not there just for the physical.

 

[Flowers-Of-Bloom]

Yes, I suggest that you stay in pursuit, at a comfortable distance. Don't give her a large berth, or she may believe that you don't really care for her. Obviously you do, but you need to let her know this by making sure she is alright, without getting intrusive.
I probably can't give the best advice, because I don't know her at all, but from what you've described she may just be having a hard time keeping up with what has happened.
Perhaps you also could ask her if she wants to talk about it, at some stage. What you have sounds really sweet and you can't let it slip away so easily.

 

[pufferfish]

have you brought up these feelings with her? she sounds like she is just confused about her feelings about what happened. maybe try to let her know how you feel about everything too, and she might open up some more and you'll get to know how to handle it better.
and don't forget, in every relationship, the flame stars to calm down a bit. you guys might be running out of things to talk about, if you talk for hours every day. it might be time to start doing things together, in person, that are exciting or that neither of you have done.

 

[Remus]

be patient, persistant but not pushy

 

[WinHer]

Hey All,

Thanks for your thoughts.

I took your advice: called, talked to her. She says she's into me, likes me a lot. But she sees issues. Nothing today, just differences that might be a a problem in the future. She thinks she needs to see other people, but knows that she won't do that if she's talking to me every day.

I think I understand... she's rather inexperienced and needs to test out the greener grass. Still, she's still sending the occasional text or pic. It's like, even as she pushes me away, she's afraid to see me go. The only way I'm keeping my sanity here is by knowing that as much as she's confusing me, she must be confused too.

Guess I'll just keep stepping back when she invites me, and hope this doesn't last forever. Thanks again and wish me luck!

 

[shybhoy]

dude, i am sorry you are going through this i know from personal experience that its not easy and i sympathise with you 100%

but to me a shy girl does not act like that, shy people men and women are glad deep down that someone actually likes thems, her saying she needs to play the field is a very aggressive thing to do for a shy person so i have some doubts about her being honest with you mate, she may have just been using you because you have a good nature. I mean it is very odd for a shy person to say they want to meet other people...thats the main difficulty of shyness is meeting other folk she sounds very confident mate...i know what i say may not sound nice but its truthful.....i am shy myself and i know that i'd never be able to "see other people" as she put it id be glad someone actually liked me.

very strange mate be careful !

 

[WinHer]

Thanks Mimi and Bhoy.

I see your point about the dating others/shy misfit, and you're right. I think it's only in theory. It's been years since she's been with anyone and I don't see her running out the door to meet someone else. Maybe it's just one more way to pump the brakes, keep things from getting too serious too fast.

I know she's afraid of hurting me. Just hope it's not that fear and the walls it builds that ends the possibilities here.

Still practicing patience!

 

[shybhoy]

thats what i think it is mate i think its partly a test to see if you stick around...thats a big thing esp with shy folk the whole being used and then abandoned is an absolute fear for us all...so maybe shes tryin to test you out and i defo believe she is doing this so she can control how fast things move with you guys....i wish you good luck.....but remember also you should not wait forever !! there is only so much you can do to show a person you're genuine in how you feel for them.

 

[PennyLane]

Sorry i think i've missed the boat on this thread but...anyway...I thought this seemed really straight forward to answer so im really surprised she wants to see other people...seems like an excuse to me.

Maybe im wrong...but pretty much every time i've said i need space i have never once meant it...what i meant was show me how much you want me! Complex i know. I dont want a stalker but i do liked to be chased a bit.

I think this girl is scared and if you reckon shes worth it...i'd stick at it a while...she's definately not out to play the field like she says. Shes probably backed off because of this new level of intimacy.

 

[zharl]

Hmm...nope no advice really. If she's anything like the rest of us, I'd assume she's scared out of her wits...then again, I could be entirely wrong. *shrugs*

Good luck, I suppose.

 

[Quiet Angel]

I wish you the best of luck. It certainly requires a lot of patience,
but no matter what happens, just know that you're growing stronger
from the experience.