Hi Cob & Welcome!
I think it's great you are looking for answers!!
Hi--First post. My 14 year old daughter has social phobia/anxiety. She has been in treatment for 2 years with no appreciable improvement. She refuses to go to school--which is obviously problematic. Last year, in 8th grade, she attempted suicide because she said she was sick of being anxious all the time. At that time, she was switched from zoloft to prozac. First week of 9th grade went well. Then the bottom fell out--more refusal. We have been fighting this refusal for several years. Fortunately,she is bright and can make up work. Last year she missed over 50 days. It is very disruptive to the family (we both work) and obviously not healthy for her. We switched therapists last month.
Parents--how do you cope, especially with school refusal? We pulled her out of school last month and are using cyber school for now to keep her education moving forward. But she has already started to isolate herself more. I feel like we are in a no-win situation. The past couple of school days she has not done everything she is supposed to do for her on-line schooling. If she does not follow-through with this, I am at a loss about what to do next. The balance between supporting and enabling is tough. Such a fine line..
She has asked about boarding school--have any social phobics out there ever done this?
Sorry for rambling.......
I don't think drugging teenagers is an answer. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but meds just have too many side effects and too many therapists just hand them out like candies. (At least in my country and I hear elsewhere too..)
(Being suicidal can be a SIDE EFFECT!! Especially for young people under 24 years old! I bet they didn't tell you that, hmm? Google it!! 'zoloft side effects suicidal' or 'prozac side effects suicidal' Prozac can cause apathy and depression too!! It can also cause people to be 'irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive,' so be careful about how you go about it with your daughter.. This site says:
Call your doctor at once if you have any new or worsening symptoms such as: mood or behavior changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, or if you feel impulsive, irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), more depressed, or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself. Read more:
http://www.drugs.com/prozac.html
paraxotine or paxil can be highly addictive too, with very bad withdrawal symptoms, there are forums and guide books on how to get off it!!
Have you tried actually TALKING to your daughter? I heartily recommend books by Faber & Mazlish: How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, I hear there's one for teenagers too, haven't read it yet..
You might want to brainstorm any solutions together too (and make decision trees), but first please get the book..
Please work on your communication skills and the communication between you two and in your family overall... Do you know what is causing her to not want to go to school? Has she been bullied, did people offend her, did she feel singled out by teachers...? Did she fall in love and the guy mocked her? Or her best friend betrayed her? Or people have been pushing drugs on her? Lots of possible reasons can be behind that.. (in combination or alone) You don't have to believe or 'buy' everything she says, but please listen.. (Read the books first if you don't know how to listen..) There are lots of other good books on communication too.. Then maybe you can both come up with strategies together..
It's really important she feels listened to and understood..
Then, if the talking alone might not be enough, you might want to work on some 'consequences' too.. They're described in books by Faber&Mazlish and in books by Jane Bluestein..
Do you know what she likes/wants/appreciates...? If not, get to know her. You'd be surprised how many parents don't really know their kids at all.. If you do know, and these are 'privileges', consider connecting her acts with the privileges.. For example, if/when she does her work, she gets the privilege of... (eg using internet/computer for entertainment too, her favorite meal once a week (if it's healthy), or a new book or course she wanted to go to/take, online or offline..) Talking to her and finding her reasons, listening and being sympathetic and such has priority though.. If you just try to 'enforce' consequences it might cause even more resentment.. especially if she's a 'rebel' kid or maybe artsy and sensitive or even HSP (highly sensitive person)... some gifted kids can also be
bored with their school work.. (Also check if YOU are HSP or gifted, or both... Or if other relatives are.. These things can run in families...)
Also look if she's addicted to TV or video games... some people are.. again, the situation might be tougher if she is, there may be some help online or offline, but you might need someone specialized in this..
Has she been spoilt as a kid? Have you had well-established boundaries? Things to work on.. (Many therapists don't know how to deal with this, where I live there is one therapist that specializes in 'spoilt kids' and he's quite effective I hear..)
If she is like some people on this forum, she might not say anything to her therapist or be uncooperative.. She might also be insulted you sent her to one in the first place.. (if it wasn't a mutually agreed upon decision) It's really important that they 'click'.. for some people, it takes a few tries before they find someone that can help.. But don't expect the therapist to 'wave a magic wand' - you and your daughter need to do the work.. Some basics of CBT may be helpful to you both...
It doesn't help if there is too much pressure from you two... Know you might never have a 'normal' daughter, but you might have a wonderful, intelligent, shy, quiet, caring, loving daughter... Please try to appreciate her uniqueness.. Even if it's very different from 'the world around' or what you think teenagers 'ought to be'...
The line between controlling and helping can be a fine line too.. And it's an art to parent, yeah.. I do admire you parents, you are BRAVE to have kids!!
Can you ask her what she likes about the idea of boarding school? (Has she read too many Harry Potter books?
) What kind of life does she imagine there?
Can you financially afford it? (Or would it be a struggle?) All things to discuss.. And maybe research what it's really like..
People have had different experiences at boarding schools, depends on the school too.. It's best to talk to someone who has gone to a school you or she might have in mind.. Does the school have a mediation/anti-bullying program? (And what kind? Who is it run by? Is it effective? Things to consider...) If she's gifted/highly intelligent, is the program suited for her needs? etc.
