Falkor
1
Hello,
I just had a huge panic attack. It's 1:15 at night and I can't sleep.
I have to prepare myself for school tomorrow and I have an emotional breakdown at the moment.
I do everything lately, I went to school like full-time, and I love it. I really do.
I never want to miss school anymore, before I'll graduate.
It's my dream, I won't give up, I'll keep fighting.
Honestly, It's the most biggest step for a person like me, I act like it's all nothing and because I have a lot of ambitions I talk about the big steps I would like to take. I always seem to forget that I had to stay at home for 3 years, suffering, horrible pain of my past and the anxiety i have and other stuff.
It is... That I still feel suffering these days. I put a mask on, but at the same time I'm crying. From happiness, I finally be the one walking in the classroom, but also from sadness.
I just had a moment tonight that I thought something was wrong with me. I have been coughing since March. I have a virus/infection. I keep making things up in my mind that I have a serious thing, I know I might be so worrying about nothing, but still it makes me feel scared. I feel judged by so many people, It's a shame if you feel so self - loathed, but I cannot help myself. I have been in so much pain that it repeats and gets back to me. I need to let go, but I also still deal with those painful moments.
I cried till mid night and I feel awful. I asked my dad to talk a little and he told me to take one day off. He said it's not the end of the world if you aren't capable to go to school. I said No, I will never give up school. I just managed it and i'll keep on going. But... I will take just ONE day off.
I feel not good on doing this at the same time it will make me feel more at ease tomorrow because I feel so stressed all night because of things.
I will go to school again on tuesday, I will go to m therapist tomorrow and talk about it all. I hope she can help me. Also I will go to the doctor and ask if she can prescribe me some new meds for my coughing problem.
Sometimes I have these golden moments that I'm the strong person like I never was. at my girlfriend this weekend, I had a lovely time. She's the greatest person I've ever met. I felt really good and had good convo's with her mom without feeling anxious. So I must be proud on that. And the bus trip went terrific without feeling anxious for the people.
Only tonight it was the most painful thing again, that I felt high emotions (that I would rather not have, but it's my past, it's not just something that happened, it hurts) I feel sad that I have this problem and it's hard to figure out what I can do about it. Like that it goes away forever, but I know that is just magic, it's not happening right away. I'm getting closer but still it's coming back to me. Social anxiety+borderline+autism+hsp is a rollercoaster.
I hope people will understand that I'll be staying home tomorrow, my dad tells me it's okay, I need it. And he tells me he's really so proud that I will go back on tuesday. I WILL NEVER GIVE UP. Only the feeling of not going tomorrow is making me feel such a blame. :-/ It's like the most important thing for me.
Like I have to feel the problems again, but it is the truth. I can't just throw them away, I wish I could. The only way of accepting myself is that I also accept my problems. I have a heavy life, and other people should understand me. I know for most people it is stupid that I'm afraid so much, but they should also know that It is my biggest dream to be at school and work to get my life back on track, I know people lately think I'm so strong, but I still am the same person from those 3 years, but I just had a personal growth, that makes me look stronger and maybe I sure am, but I just cannot snap my fingers and say Hey it's gone. It's not.
I know I need to take care of myself too so I'll be staying just one day. That's a promise I made to myself. And school will just know I'm sick, so it's not much of a problem.
But still it's not fun to be like this. It's soo damn hard to find acceptance.
Anyways, I just had to write this.. because I really needed to share it on spw
thanks for reading
I just had a huge panic attack. It's 1:15 at night and I can't sleep.
I have to prepare myself for school tomorrow and I have an emotional breakdown at the moment.
I do everything lately, I went to school like full-time, and I love it. I really do.
I never want to miss school anymore, before I'll graduate.
It's my dream, I won't give up, I'll keep fighting.
Honestly, It's the most biggest step for a person like me, I act like it's all nothing and because I have a lot of ambitions I talk about the big steps I would like to take. I always seem to forget that I had to stay at home for 3 years, suffering, horrible pain of my past and the anxiety i have and other stuff.
It is... That I still feel suffering these days. I put a mask on, but at the same time I'm crying. From happiness, I finally be the one walking in the classroom, but also from sadness.
I just had a moment tonight that I thought something was wrong with me. I have been coughing since March. I have a virus/infection. I keep making things up in my mind that I have a serious thing, I know I might be so worrying about nothing, but still it makes me feel scared. I feel judged by so many people, It's a shame if you feel so self - loathed, but I cannot help myself. I have been in so much pain that it repeats and gets back to me. I need to let go, but I also still deal with those painful moments.
I cried till mid night and I feel awful. I asked my dad to talk a little and he told me to take one day off. He said it's not the end of the world if you aren't capable to go to school. I said No, I will never give up school. I just managed it and i'll keep on going. But... I will take just ONE day off.
I feel not good on doing this at the same time it will make me feel more at ease tomorrow because I feel so stressed all night because of things.
I will go to school again on tuesday, I will go to m therapist tomorrow and talk about it all. I hope she can help me. Also I will go to the doctor and ask if she can prescribe me some new meds for my coughing problem.
Sometimes I have these golden moments that I'm the strong person like I never was. at my girlfriend this weekend, I had a lovely time. She's the greatest person I've ever met. I felt really good and had good convo's with her mom without feeling anxious. So I must be proud on that. And the bus trip went terrific without feeling anxious for the people.
Only tonight it was the most painful thing again, that I felt high emotions (that I would rather not have, but it's my past, it's not just something that happened, it hurts) I feel sad that I have this problem and it's hard to figure out what I can do about it. Like that it goes away forever, but I know that is just magic, it's not happening right away. I'm getting closer but still it's coming back to me. Social anxiety+borderline+autism+hsp is a rollercoaster.
I hope people will understand that I'll be staying home tomorrow, my dad tells me it's okay, I need it. And he tells me he's really so proud that I will go back on tuesday. I WILL NEVER GIVE UP. Only the feeling of not going tomorrow is making me feel such a blame. :-/ It's like the most important thing for me.
Like I have to feel the problems again, but it is the truth. I can't just throw them away, I wish I could. The only way of accepting myself is that I also accept my problems. I have a heavy life, and other people should understand me. I know for most people it is stupid that I'm afraid so much, but they should also know that It is my biggest dream to be at school and work to get my life back on track, I know people lately think I'm so strong, but I still am the same person from those 3 years, but I just had a personal growth, that makes me look stronger and maybe I sure am, but I just cannot snap my fingers and say Hey it's gone. It's not.
I know I need to take care of myself too so I'll be staying just one day. That's a promise I made to myself. And school will just know I'm sick, so it's not much of a problem.
But still it's not fun to be like this. It's soo damn hard to find acceptance.
Anyways, I just had to write this.. because I really needed to share it on spw
thanks for reading
Last edited:
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